


Unexpectedly Expecting

by infiniteworld8



Category: Black Veil Brides
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcohol Withdrawal, Ashley Purdy Being an Asshole, Badass Jinxx, Body Dysphoria, Body Image, Car Accidents, Childhood Trauma, Concerts, Cutting, Developing Relationship, Discussion of Abortion, Drug Use, Drunk Sex, Drunken Shenanigans, F/M, Gender Fluid!Andy, Gender Issues, Heavy Angst, Hidden Depths, Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Morning After, One Night Stands, Sexual Assault, Sexuality Crisis, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Transphobia, Triggers, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unplanned Pregnancy, Work In Progress, body image issues, suicidal character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2018-08-27 14:13:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 110,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8404720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infiniteworld8/pseuds/infiniteworld8
Summary: A drunken night between friends leads Andy and those closest to him, down a path that puts their friendship to the test, as a years long secret is brought to light that turns everything on it's head.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the teaser chapter for the upcoming story of Unexpectedly Expecting. It's the first chapter of the fic and the one that starts this wild ride. Hopefully it will be fully finished and the entirety of the fic ready for posting my Dec (we're over 100k now). Expect more secrets, crazy revelations, heart break, whump, humor and all that you've come to expect with our writing. We hope you enjoy. P.S If we're taking to long in posting the rest feel free to bug us, we love comments.

 

The music in the club was blaring, CC was way past drunk and doing a very bad imitation of some song on stage. Jake and Jinxx were sequestered at a table in the corner, both of them very obviously severely inebriated.

And Ash...Andy turned his eyes to Ash who was watching him with lustful eyes. Ash was sitting right next to him. Ash had a hand resting just north of Andy’s crotch and drifting lower every second.

Andy licked his lips, tasting the whiskey there. He was horny...so fucking horny. And it was obvious Ash was also. Somehow they had both wound up on the dance floor together, the girls they had been dancing with had gone somewhere and before Andy knew it, it was Ash he was grinding into...and surprisingly Ash had grinded right back.

Ash’s hand drifted lower and Andy leaned into the firmness for just a second before pulling back awkwardly. He couldn’t tell if Ash had noticed that something was different….but Ash must not have because his lips turned down in a pouting frown. “Come onnnn.”

Ash leaned closer and Andy shivered as his warm breath brushed his neck. “Just this fucking once…” His teeth nipped Andy’s neck and before Andy knew what he was doing his hand was on Ash’s groin.

He brushed the bulge there, kneading it for a moment. Pressing his fingers against the tight leather and feeling the flesh straining for freedom below its confines.

They were both drunk...soooo drunk. This wasn’t a good idea...but it wasn’t necessarily bad. Ash leaned closer so his mouth was right next to Andy’s ear. “Your room or mine?”

All reasons why his crush on Ash had to remain just a crush and why they should never, ever have sex left his mind.

“Don’t care….whichever is closest.”

☆═━┈┈━═☆

That was how they wound up stumbling down a hotel hall. Ash couldn’t find his key so they were going to Andy’s room, if they could find it that was.

“Fifty--fitty sixxx” Ash slurred the word, reading the number on a door. “That’s sooo close.”

“We’re looking for 65 Ash.” Andy giggled (which was odd coming from his low voice). “That’s not close at all.”

“Do we even need a room?” Ash pretty much whined. Andy stopped as he felt hands on his shoulder’s and Ash was pressing him against a wall. “The hall is deserted.”

Ash’s hands were doing something to his chest and his lips were on his neck. Andy couldn’t really think...actually it was a good question did they need a room?

The answer was no...Andy decided that as Ash grinded into his pelvis,while simultaneously easing his jeans down.

This was a bad idea….except Andy couldn’t remember why it was or why he should care.

Ash had placed a hand between his legs and Andy ground down, pressing into Ash’s palm. He moaned with displeasure when Ash removed his hand so he could pull Andy’s jeans down more.

The denim was half down and Andy could feel air on his ass when he stopped kissing Ash as he heard a yell.

“OMG you guys are disgusting. Get a fucking room.” It was some young woman walking down the hall a plain look of disgust on her face at two apparent guys kissing.

Ash flipped her off and then added to Andy…”Hmmm that could be a good idea...a _fucking room”_ Ash snickered at the play on words…”As in a room for fucking.”

Andy giggled and shimmied back into his jeans...a room right….his hotel room. 66...or maybe it was 65? Yeah 65.

It was a long next few minutes as Andy tried and failed to keep the groping (and other things ) to a minimum while they found his room. The key card wouldn’t fit in the door on the first try and Ash sucking his neck was not helping his concentration.

They stumbled into the room and slammed the door shut. Ash was all over him before the door had fully closed and Andy reciprocated eagerly. Andy pulled Ash’s shirt off, pressing as close to him as possible so he could grind into Ash’s hip.

Ash was fumbling with the hem of Andy’s shirt and Andy let it be pulled off as he didn’t stop what he was doing… when Ash’s hands went back to his Jeans though and opened the zipper Andy pulled back slightly.

He was so drunk and horny it was hard to think...but oh yeah right….

“Ash, wait...before we--Shit.” Andy broke off as Ash mouthed one of his nipples. “Ash--I fuck--need to tell you something--stop, for a  moment--” Ash was totally ignoring him...or maybe he didn’t hear because Andy shrieked (another odd sound from his baritone voice) with surprise as Ash picked him up carrying him to the bed.

“Whatever you have to say can wait.” Ash’s voice was a low growl. “Fuck first…” Ash kissed him and pulled back leaving Andy wanting more before he whispered into Andy’s ear. “Talk later.”

Andy landed flat on his back on the comforter. He didn’t get a chance to situate himself before Ash was over him, pulling his jeans down.

It was a one handed endeavor because the other hand was down in Andy’s jeans kneading his groin. Andy arched into the contact, biting his lips as he moved his hips thrusting upwards into the palm. He was so wet and so close to the edge already.

Ash’s other hand worked his jeans down and Andy felt them slide off. He had momentarily closed his eyes as he pushed harder against Ash’s hands, rolling a finger across his own nipples, he reached his hand down pushing Ash’s closer to where he needed it and just like that it was enough. He moaned as he reached climax, trembling just as he heard Ash say.

“Ooooh panties? Really Andy….you’re so fucking Kinky.”

Andy’s eyes snapped open as he realised what Ash had said and he felt a hand tugging the lacy pink pair he was wearing. But Ash didn’t seem freaked out in fact it was quite the opposite.

Teeth nipped his thigh and then before Andy could react Ash was tugging his panties down with his teeth. He got them past Andy’s thighs and then Andy felt the fabric rip as Ash tore them off the rest of the way.

He gave a little yelp of displeasure but Ash was already looking up wicked mischievousness in his eyes. “I’ll buy you a new pair...if you wear them for me.”

Andy didn’t know what to say….he started to relax...he was nude and stuff was very obviously different than how everyone assumed...and Ash was OKAY with it….it was like a dream come true.

Ash crawled back up Andy’s body and gave him a kiss on the lips before getting up off the bed. Andy watched with lust-filled (and more than a little drunk) eyes as Ash fumbled with unbuckling his own belt. Once the belt was undone, Ash quickly peeled his tight pants off, revealing that he was in fact going commando. He licked his lips as he took in Ashley’s impressive length despite his small stature.

Before he knew it, Ash was back on top of him, guiding his legs apart and knees against his chest. He bit his lip as Ash pushed in as far as he could, it didn’t hurt not exactly. But he hadn’t had a dick in him in a long long time and the sensation was slightly uncomfortable at first. Ash noticed and reached a hand up fingering his clit as he thrusted. It wasn’t long before Ash had started working up a quick rhythm (and a little sloppy given his inebriation). Andy tilted his pelvis upwards pushing his hips up to meet Ash in time with his thrusts. At some point Andy had closed his eyes and when Ash suddenly stopped dead, he opened them with a whine.

“Andy, you have a pussy,” Ash stated matter-of-factly.

Andy gave him an incredulous look and used his elbows to prop himself up. “You just noticed this?”

“Yep.”

Andy wanted to say something in response but Ash was already starting up again. He thrusted with increasingly sloppy strokes and  Andy could tell he was getting close to the edge and was only halfway there himself. He reached up, biting Ash’s neck and whispered “Not yet.”

Ash’s breath was ragged as he said, “what do you have in mind?”

“Letting me do some of the work.” Ash grinned at that suggestion and Andy cried out as he felt Ash abruptly shift flipping them both somehow so Ash was on his back and Andy was on top...somehow he even stayed inside.

“How’d you do that.?”  
  


“Practice...practices makes perfect babe.”

Andy smirked and set to grinding down on Ash. He could feel Ash trying to thrust upward and placed a finger over Ash’s lips. “Sit back and enjoy the show.”

Andy shifted a hand down between them, giving himself a little extra pleasure as he grinded down on Ash squeezing his muscles to stimulate them both more. Andy could feel himself getting closer and increased his movements tilting his hips so he could use Ash's pelvis against his clit. Now that he had a free hand he touched his nipples. He waited until he was near the edge before letting Ash move again. It was a good thing too because Ash was so turned on Andy felt him come a moment later and then was following him. Andy collapsed on Ash’s chest resting there for a few minutes as he felt Ash slowly soften inside of him….after had regained a little strength he shifted off Ash and instead cuddled up next to him his head pillowed on his chest.

Andy fell asleep with Ash’s arms around him.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Andy woke up with a warm arm wrapped around his shoulders. It would have been comfortable, but his head felt like it was splitting open, his stomach was roiling and he really really had to pee.

Light nearly blinded him as he opened his eyes, and he swore and closed them. Only opening them back after he had used a hand to shade the light. Carefully he maneuvered out from under the arm around him….and as he saw the tattoos turned to look at the face. It was Ash.

_Shit._

Last night came back in snatches...Andy could feel his heart picking up...but then he remembered Ash _had_ seemed okay with it once he found out. That had Andy breathing normally again, he smiled slightly as he looked at Ash, before slipping out of bed and to the bathroom.

Once there he used the facilities, and brushed his teeth washing the taste of vomit and stale liquor from his mouth. He glanced at the clock...it was barely 6am, they still had time to sleep in. He went back out and was climbing back into bed with Ash. He cuddled up next to him as Ash stirred.

“Wha’ time ‘s it?”

“6.”

“In the mornin’?”

“Yeah.”

Ash started to say something else but before he could get a word out he pulled away from Andy and belched causing Andy to wince at the rancid fumes of stomach acid and last night's liquor. Ash mumbled “be right back,” and ran to the bathroom with a hand clamped over his mouth.

Andy winced at the retching, and waited patiently as he heard water running and the toilet flushing before Ash emerged from the bathroom. He had tousled hair, with stray wisps sticking up everywhere and he was still fully nude and had a half erect penis from early morning wood.

He started towards the bed, “I’m sleepin’ in toda--” Ash stopped talking and just stared at him.

Andy looked behind him wondering what Ash was looking at before it registered--Ash was looking at him. “Fuck.”

Ash said it again. “Fuck.”

And again. “Motherfucking, fuck.” Andy shrank back against the pillows feeling for some reason like he had done something wrong. “We slept together.”

“Yeah.” Andy plucked at the comforter, suddenly feeling uncomfortable and wishing he had gotten dressed.

“And you’ve--you’ve got a pussy.”

“Yeah.” Andy was really feeling awkward now.

“All this time you’ve been a girl?”  
  


“I--I--” Andy stopped and restarted. “Yeah I’ve got girl bits.”

“You could have told me this...BEFORE we slept together.” Ash wasn’t quite yelling but he was talking loud.

Andy bit his lips. He had known this was a mistake...but last night it seemed like Ash hadn’t minded. “I tried to--”

“Not fucking hard enough!” Ash was yelling now and his words hurt.

Andy felt his eyes start to burn...he had known this was going to happen. It always did….that’s why he stayed away from most guys. They always acted like he had tricked them or something when the pants came off (even though Andy was honest most times beforehand).

“You wouldn’t listen!”

“You should have made me!” Ash yelled. “Do any of the guys know this?”

“That I don’t have a dick? No.” He continued. “I didn’t think it was any of your business.”

“Well it fucking is if you go around lying to everyone!”

“I didn’t lie to anyone. I never said I was a guy.”

“You just let everyone else assume, faking that deep ass voice and cutting your hair, and --”

“THIS is my fucking voice okay?” Andy yelled back getting out of bed. He didn’t realise he was still totally nude until he saw Ash glance at him and a look of almost horror cross his face.At that expession he couldn’t help the tears. He was crying as he screamed at Ash. “I don’t have a dick...I never did. I was born this way! With a weird ass body, a fucking pussy, a guys build, a guys voice...and so I don’t fit in anywhere.”

“You were born like this?” Ash sounded more irritated than mad as Andy’s words sank in, but Andy was too busy crying to care.

“I didn’t ask for this and I thought you didn’t care. Last night you didn’t when you were fucking me, tugging my goddamn panties off with your teeth and calling me babe!”

Ash bristled at that. “I was fucking drunk!.”

“So was I! But you saw what I was and--”

“I was drunk okay, otherwise I sure as hell wouldn’t have been banging my friend who’s had a sex change or is a guy with girl junk or whatever the fuck you are--”

Andy lost it at that. He snatched up Ash’s clothes and tossed them to him. “Get out!”

When Ash didn’t move Andy pushed him towards the door. “Fucking leave me alone you god-damn bastard.”

Andy slammed the door behind Ash and then collapsed to the floor sobbing.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Ash stood in the hall wondering what the fuck had just happened. He could hear Andy crying and felt like an asshole but he also was upset. His head was still throbbing from a massive headache, he felt vaguely nauseated, and his mouth was cotton dry.

He felt confused as he tried to track back to last night. It was hazy with alcohol but he remembered Andy seducing him, and them fucking...the in between was blurry though.

He tried to remember more of last night, but moments later it was still a jumbled mass of feelings, sensations and half remembered comments. Footsteps and talking brought Ash back to reality and that was when he realized he was standing in the hallway, completely naked holding his balled up pants. Ash looked towards where the footsteps and talking were coming from and barely managed to cover his crotch area with his pants before two young teens who looked to be barely around 18 walked around the corner.

The teens stopped talking and stared at him as they walked by. He offered them an awkward smile and waited for them to pass. As soon as he turned his back the teens started giggling and whispering. With a frustrated sigh, Ashley quickly pulled his pants (which felt a little tight and fit weird) on when the hall was clear before heading off towards his room.

When he came to the room he shared with CC, he knocked on the door loudly, remembering he couldn’t find his key card last night. After a few minutes of loud knocking and some shouting, a half asleep CC finally opened the door.

“About fucking time you answered the door,” Ashley grumbled as he stalked into the room.

“I was sleeping. It’s like fucking dawn dude. Why didn’t you just use your keycard?” CC rubbed his eyes yawning. “Where were you last night anyways? Who’s the lucky girl this time?”

“No one.” Ashley stomped over to the coffee machine in the room and started to make a cup of coffee from one of the complementary Keurig cups. As he waited for the coffee, Ash mentally cursed as he realized it wasn’t _his_ pants that he was wearing, but Andy’s.

“Dude, you totally smell like sex, also I’m pretty sure those aren’t your pants. So it was _someone._...Did you sleep with another dude by accident? You totally did, didn’t you?”

Ashley stiffened as CC half jokingly stumbled upon the truth...or at least half the truth. He glared in Chris’ direction when the drummer collapsed to the floor in laughter. “Oh man, that’s golden. So who’s the lucky guy then?”

“I don’t want to talk about it, okay?” Ashley stared at the coffee machine, willing it to percolate faster.

“Oh come on you always brag about your ‘conquests’, seriously. Was the guy hot at least?”

“I said I don’t wanna fucking talk about it!” Ashley ran his hand through his messed up hair and collapsed in a nearby chair.

“Jeez, man you don’t have to fucking yell. What’s got your panties all twisted?” At the word ‘panties’ Ash could feel the anger burn again and threw the closest thing to him at CC, which was a hotel notepad. The notepad noisily flew threw the air and fell short of where CC was standing.

“Why are you so fucking interested in who I was with last night? You just want to live vicariously through me. When’s the last time you got any?!”

“That...That’s not important..”

“Like hell it’s not. You asked me a bunch of stupid questions, so now it’s my turn.”

“You know what, man? Fuck you!” Ash watched as CC flipped him off and nearly fled to the bathroom.

After a moment Ashley let his head fall to the table the machine was on and tangled his hands into his hair.

It was going to be a long day.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Lunch on the bus was tense, Jinxx noted. CC was pissed off at Ash for something (who was already drinking again). Andy was avoiding everyone and his eyes were slightly swollen and red like he definitely had been crying. That in and of itself was odd, Andy had cried a few times over the years but usually he went to great pains to try to hide it. Jinxx had tried to ask him what was up and was met with first silence then brushed off excuses...Jinxx felt like there was something that he had missed. He also noticed that Ashley and Andy were sitting as far from each other as they possibly could. Yep, there was something he had definitely missed.

Taking a bite of his sandwich, Jinxx kept glancing at Andy with concern as he and Jake chatted about their upcoming gig. Andy had said absolutely not one word to anyone since he’d arrived on the bus that morning, which was uncharacteristic, as Andy had a habit of talking their ears off after he’d had coffee.

“We actually have some extra amplifiers Jinxx and I stashed. We could use those, how about that Ash?” Jake said.

Ash took another sip of the beer he was drinking and said to no one in particular...though it apparently was directed at someone. “So everyone’s got fucking secrets around here.”

“Uh, it’s just some extra amplifiers.” Jake muttered looking confused.

Ash continued like Jake hadn’t spoken. “Anyone else want to share some _secrets_?”

“What?” Jinxx was totally confused by what Ashley’s latest comment meant.

“I’m asking is anyone hiding anything they want to share with the whole fucking class?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?!?”

Ashley didn’t respond and after a moment Jinxx shook his head, figuring Ash was apparently getting drunk (and weird) early today. Out the corner of his eye though he noticed Andy had taken a particularly large bite of his sandwich and was chewing it mechanically as he stared at his plate.

“Okay so umm, one of the --” Jake went back to talking with him and CC joined the conversation. Andy still was silent and Ash was brooding or whatever the hell he was doing. He looked pissed about something and Jinxx wondered what exactly it was because it seemed a lot more than a prank by CC.

Somehow they got on the topic of the stuff fans threw on stage and out of the blue Ash said “Anyone have plans for those panties they throw on stage?”

“Like what?” CC turned to look at Ash like he’d gone crazy.

“Like I don’t know...wearing them...adding them to their personal fucking stash of pink lacy bikinis with little fucking bows.”

“Uh---that’s pretty specific..” Jake trailed off.

“Who does that?” CC’s face morphed into a horrified expression. “Does someone here actually do that here?”

“I don’t know do they? What’s Andy’s opinion on this?”

Andy made a choking sound, Jinxx noted as all heads swung to him. He had turned pale and looked sick.

“Why would I have an opinion on that?” Ash turned and glared at Andy like he wanted to say something a but ultimately turned away with a huff and took another sip of his beer.

Jinxx glanced between Ash and Andy trying to figure out what was wrong….it was something to do with sex? Maybe? Probably...definitely….so Andy had maybe fucked someone Ash had his eye on?

Didn’t sound like something Andy would do...but then again they were all drunk last night...very drunk.

Things got even more fucking bizarre as they discussed the security at the venue and CC joked about Andy jumping off the stage and randomly Ash once again jumped in with something only vaguely related. “I think everything will be okay as long as no one manages to get Andy’s pants down, otherwise they’re going to get more than they bargained for.”

This last comment was said a tad nastier than the previous ones and Andy went ghost white and swallowed sharply. He set down the sandwich he was holding and got up. “I don’t feel like eating, stomach’s kind of upset.” Then he bolted from the tourbus dining room.


	2. Chapter 2

 

It had been a little over a month since he had slept with Ash and things had gotten more awkward. Ash was talking to him again, but just barely. He said the minimum needed and refused to talk about anything but business. Andy had tried to apologize and when that didn’t work he had tried to talk with Ash about them...that hadn’t worked either.

To make matters worse, Ash was drinking more...probably to cope with the fact he had fucked his best friend and found out he was actually a she. In any case the reason didn’t matter, drunk Ash was not someone anyone wanted to talk with for long.

They had a gig in half an hour but Andy felt like shit. He stared at himself in the mirror, his stomach was sitting out a little like he was bloated. He sucked in a breath and it went away but when he let it out it was there….maybe he was gaining weight? Though he didn’t see how. Jake had mentioned he seemed thinner and Andy felt like he was...he certainly wasn’t eating well.

Some flu or whatever had gone around the bus a few weeks ago and Andy couldn’t seem to shake it. For about two weeks now his stomach had been upset, he woke up in the morning nauseated more than not, when he tried to eat half the time he was running to the bathroom and while on stage a few times he had to have a bucket in the wings to puke between songs.

Plus he was exhausted and if he was a little honest irritated.

“Sound check in--”

“You told me that five fucking times!” Andy snapped at whoever was standing outside his dressing room door. He immediately regretted it as he heard the person scurry away…. Yeah he was a little moody too.

Someone else knocked on the door a moment later and Andy sighed. “Come in.”

It was Jinxx, holding a bag of something in his hands. Even from a good few feet away the smell of fast food was overpowering. Andy felt his stomach churn. He was trying to hide that he still felt sick from the rest of the guys though so he kept the grimace off his face.

“I brought you some food. You were so busy I noticed you forgot to eat.”

“Thanks.” Andy took the bag, it had onions...whatever _it_ was in the bag.

“I found those little burgers you like and there’s some fries too. You’re losing weight you know that?”

“Just the stress of touring.”

“Yeah well eat something.” Jinxx nodded at the bag and then stared at Andy pointedly.

Reluctantly Andy opened the bag and took some fries. He hadn’t actually eaten any food since last night and the salty greasy taste of the fries was welcomed by his gut.

“So what’s up with you and Ashley?”

Andy froze, pausing in chewing and ultimately swallowed his mouthful mostly whole. “What do you mean?”

“I mean you guys still aren’t talking...what happened.”

“Nothing.” Andy didn’t meet Jinxx’s eyes as he ate some more fries. Jinxx waited patiently. Andy finished off the fries and hesitated before nibbling on a corner of the burger.

“It’s a long story.”

“It’s been over a month. So I’ve got time to listen if whatever happened a month ago still has you guys hating each other.”

“I don’t hate Ash!” Andy protested. Jinxx raised his eyebrows at the vehement protest. Andy glanced down and said. “It’s complicated...Ash thinks I lied to him.”

“About what?”

Andy hesitated then blushed and mumbled something.

“Uh---didn’t catch that.”

“I said I can’t tell you...it’s sort of private.”

“Okay.” Jinxx raised his eyebrows further wondering just what was going on. “So Ash is mad at you about something that happened a month ago, which is _complicated_ and _private_ and causing you both to act like jerks to each other but you can’t tell me? Does that make any sense to you?”

Andy winced at Jinxx’s summary, he was right and thinking about it had Andy feeling terrible. Before he knew what was happening his eyes were burning and he was crying. He sat the half finished burger down as tears trickled down his cheeks.

He didn’t know what was wrong, but lately it was like all his emotions were on the surface. _He was trying to hide that too_.

Jinxx looked a little worried as he noticed he was crying. “Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

Andy took a deep breath, willing himself to stop crying like an idiot. “It’s--not your fault. You’re right anyway. I need to talk to Ash.”

Which Andy resolved to do, after the show.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

The lights were bright, it was hot, and the fans screamed and yelled around him giving him a headache. As it was, Andy was having difficulty keeping the fast food Jinxx brought him from coming back up. He tried to focus on the songs and the fans, but his focus was pretty much gone. Andy could barely concentrate, and it didn’t help that he kept thinking about his upcoming talk with Ashley after the show.

It was the middle of one of their songs (he couldn’t remember which) and Andy was having the damndest time trying to focus on the words he was singing. He knew his singing overall was weaker than usual, his voice breaking in spots and not to mention Ashley was hardly helping with the backing vocals. When they hit the solo section Andy was more than relieved, as he leaned on the mic stand heavily.

As he stood there the music and noise of the crowd  grew quieter, as if someone was turning down the volume. Andy could see everyone cheering but it was like cotton was in his ears. He turned looking at the other guys and CC, and everyone was moving slowly or at least they seemed to be. Andy felt like he was floating, he looked at Ash who started to half glare at him only for his eyes to widen as he said something but Andy didn't hear him.

He was floating and then everything went dark. When he came to, the sound around him sounded like a grainy radio and he was cold. Andy could hear people talking around him, but couldn’t get himself to reply. Something cold was being splashed on his face, causing him to sputter and try to turn away from the source of the liquid.

“C’mon man, wake up.”

Andy groaned and blinked open his eyes, only to suddenly close them as the spotlight shined right into his face. Someone blocked the light, allowing him to open his eyes again. He was confused as he looked at the faces of the guys and their manager surrounding him. Why was he on the floor?

“Wha’? What happened?”

“You passed out, Andy, you okay? Can you sit up?” Andy nodded in Jinxx’s direction. A moment later he was helped into a sitting position. The sudden position change had a surge of nausea coursing through him. He tried to cover his mouth as he realized he was going to throw up. Before he could bring his hand up, the contents of his stomach surfaced, splashing both himself and Ashley to his left. The fast food tasted vile coming back up.

“Fuck we need to take you to the emergency room, Andy. Can you stand?”

“I don’t need to go--I’m--,” Andy paused and heaved again causing Ash to jump out the way. He was breathing heavily as he added. “I’m fine. Just a stomach flu.”

“You passed out and threw up, man. You need to go to the ER so you can be checked out.”

“Didn’t think you cared.” Andy muttered but Ash didn’t hear because he was already yelling for someone to call an ambulance.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Even though he had come in an ambulance and in some cases would have been considered a VIP (due to his celebrity status) the ER was busy and he wasn't obviously dying so he got sent to triage rather than immediately getting a bed.

The triage nurse was a slightly overweight blond haired nurse in her thirties. She took his vitals asked his weight and then started in on a whole bunch of questions. All four of his bandmates had filed into the room, assuming without asking whether Andy wanted them there.

Which Andy did...except he didn’t. He was worried he would say something that would give him away, plus he didn’t like everyone seeing him feeling so sick. He was holding a clear hospital puke bag and had thus far managed to make two more contributions to it on the ambulance ride to the hospital and then as he waited to get into triage.

The first questions were okay...what was he here for? What had happened...Ash answered half of it since Andy had passed out and didn’t remember it all.

The next questions had him starting to cringe he could tell it was going to get awkward.

“These questions I have to ask you are something we ask everybody but it might be uncomfortable with your friends here. If you like they could step out for a moment.”

Andy glanced at Ash and the others and knew if he asked them to leave the others (except Ash who knew) would assume something was wrong.

“What are the questions? Sex, sexuality, that sort of thing…”

Andy hesitated his heart beating a little faster and he blushed. The nurse gave a small smile and said nicely. “I could just whisper the questions in your ear too?”

“Yeah--that’d be okay.”

Jake rolled his eyes. “You’re so modest it’s practically adorable, sheesh.”

The nurse leaned forward and asked the first question. “Okay stupid question, but are you a male or female...biologically I mean?”

Andy swallowed, feeling guilty by what the nurse had asked. He knew she probably hadn't meant it that way but her assuming he was biologically male made Ash’s accusal of him lying to people seem more real.

“The second one. “He whispered.

The nurse's eyes widened slightly, but she logged that down and asked next. “Do you prefer to be listed as a male or female?”

“Is there an other?”

“Sure.” She asked another question. “When was your last period?”

Andy blushed a bright red even though none of the guys had heard the question. “Never.”

“Never?”

“I don’t have them, never have.”

“Oh.”

The next few  questions were equally embarrassing, by the end of it Andy wanted to sink into the floor. It was all private and no one but him and the nurse heard but for some reason he felt ashamed after it all.

Within a few minutes of Triage Andy was called from the waiting room and taken to a room in the ER.  A guy with gray scrubs walked in, he had short brown hair and tattoos up one arm. “I’m the tech for these rooms, _you_ need to get into a gown.” He tossed a blue pile of fabric (Andy assumed was a gown) onto the exam bed. “And we need a urine sample from you so here’s a cup.”

“Okay.” Andy tried not to let it bother him that the guy was barely looking at him and just generally being rude...after all people had bad days right? “What’s the sample for?”

“Some tests.” The guy shrugged. “They’re doing a pregnancy test too, apparently you’re still woman enough to get knocked up.”

“I can’t get pregnant, I’m sterile.”

“Had your tubes tied, when you went on testosterone shots?”

Andy bit his lip at that, feeling his eyes burn. _He was NOT going to cry in front of this guy._ “I was born like this...no hormones--nothing--totally natural.”

“Totally unnatural...Whatever, not my problem. I just do what I’m told and I was told to run a preg on you.” Then the guy left. Andy changed into a gown and went to the bathroom filling the cup. He had returned to his room when the doctor walked in.

He was tall almost Andy’s height with red hair. “Hi, I’m Dr. Samuel Winchester.” He paused giving a wry smile as Andy quirked an eyebrow. “And no I don’t have a brother named Dean and I assure you I don’t drink demon blood.”

Andy grinned at that, he had watched a few episodes of the show to know what the doctor was referring to. “I’m guessing people ask you that a lot huh?”

“You have no idea.” The doctor smiled again sitting down on a stool at the bedside, Andy sat on the edge of the bed and watched him. “So what’s going on that brings you here today?”

“I passed out. Well I threw up and passed out.”

“Okay, how long were you out?”

“A few seconds...I think--you’d have to ask my friends out in the waiting room.” Andy quickly continued….”But they don’t know I’m you know--have a,“ Andy gestured awkwardly down towards his groin area before continuing. “Well Ash does but he thinks I lied--we--we sorta had sex--well actually we did and he didn’t know before--I tried to tell him but he wouldn’t listen--and when he got my clothes off he saw--but in the morning he acted like I tricked him and--Shit why am I telling you this?”

“Because Docs are good at getting patients to spill their souls.” The doc gestured for Andy to lay down. “I’m not telling anyone anything you don’t want them to know and no one else should here either. We have privacy laws.”

“Oh okay,” Andy relaxed a little at that. “Well in that case I’ve been throwing up a lot these past few weeks.”

“How many?”

Andy grimaced trying to remember. “Almost three weeks at least. It happens pretty much everyday, more when I eat and even when I don’t. Eating makes me feel more sick a lot of the time. Plus I’m really bloated.” He reached down self consciously tapping his stomach.

“Constipated?”

“No.”

“Abdominal pain?”

“No.”

“Huh, no diarrhea, fevers, vomiting blood, blood in your stool?”

“No to all that.”

“Hmmm” Andy fell silent as the doctor pulled off his stethoscope and started examining him.

After a few moments Winchester straightened up. “Okay I know you’ve been asked this but I’m going to ask again. You ever have periods?”

“No.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I think I would notice if I randomly started bleeding.”

The doctor smiled at that. “Fair enough. It says in your chart you’re sterile?”

“Yeah. Docs told me that when I was a teen.”

“Oh okay…”

“So what do you think is going on?”

“Well, if you hadn’t tell me you were sterile. I’d say you were maybe pregnant based on what you’re telling me, but we’ll do some blood work on you and see what’s up maybe scan your stomach too.”

“Okay.”

The doctor asked him a few more questions about why he had passed out and if he had anything wrong with his heart or any medical conditions and then he straightened up finished with his exam.

“Anything else you I can do for you?”

“Yeah.” Andy sat up and pointed to a stack of barf bags in the corner. “Can I have one of those? I still feel kind of sick.”

“Sure. I’ll order you something for nausea too and I’ll have a nurse get you some IV fluids while we’re waiting for the tests.”

“And can my friends come back now?”

“Well visitor policy is no more than 3…”

“That’s fine.” Andy realised he had the perfect excuse for not seeing Ash.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Despite the visiting policy being three all four bandmates had somehow managed to charm the registration desk into letting them back. So after the nurse came and drew blood and gave him meds and fluids Andy spent the next 45 minutes being hassled by Ash who was acting like Andy was close to death (over compensating for being an asshole for weeks), Jinxx and Jake who wanted to know everything the doctor had said and CC who was generally freaked out by being in a hospital and had compensated by drinking too much caffeine and consuming a massive amount of candy.

Andy was happy when the doctor came back and shooed them out...Andy was particularly impressed he managed to get rid of a protesting Ash. The doctor waited until the door had shut and the guys footsteps had faded before he spoke.

“Well, I’ve got an answer as to what is probably going on.”

“Really?” The doctor looked really serious so Andy tried to cut the mood by joking. “Give it to me straight how long do I have left?”

“Looks like about seven or eight months or so.”

Andy’s face fell as he registered what the doctor said. “What? I was joking...I’m dying?”

“What? No. You’re most likely pregnant.” The doc was already continuing. “The urine came back positive so we sent out for an HCG, that’s positive too.”

“What?” Andy couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I can’t be. It’s impossible.”

“Well the tests aren’t lying...did you have intercourse, with anyone recently? I mean penetration vaginally by a male?”

Andy looked at the doctor a little irritatedly at that. He knew how babies were made. The doctor saw the expression. “I had to say that, someone the other day thought kissing made babies... they were 26.”

“Oh--yeah I had sex a little over a month ago.”

“Have you been tested for sterility since you were a teen…?”

“No, I mean...now that you mention it, I don’t know if they did when I was a teen or just assumed I couldn’t and said I was or--” Andy’s mind was reeling. He looked up at the doctor. “What do I do now?”

“Well now I want to do a quick ultrasound to make sure your HCG levels aren’t elevated because of something else.” Andy looked at the doctor with hope in his eyes.

“They could be...but don’t get happy about that, it usually means something else is wrong.” The doctor continued. “They’re going to do the ultrasound through your vagina, they’ll put the probe up there and take a peek at what’s going on in your uterus.”

“Okay.”

The ultrasound didn’t take long and then the doctor was coming back in the room. “I got the results back and everything looks fine.”

“Which means?”

“You’ve got a fetus growing normally, your reproductive structures appear normal. You’re pregnant.” At that moment the door opened to reveal CC who walked in eating something, he caught the tail end of the conversation, it was enough the last two words to make him choke.

Andy swallowed thickly as he looked all around the room, trying to blink away the burning of tears in his eyes. _There was no way...he couldn’t be...what about the band? They were in the middle of a tour…_ He could feel his heart beat faster and his breathing quicken.

“Pregnant...but..I mean..it’s not...” Andy ran his hand through his hair trying to come to terms with this information.

“Andy can’t be pregnant….he’s a guy..” Andy glanced at CC then back to the doctor who had an awkward look on his face.

“Well...men normally can’t get pregnant, that is true…”

“So he’s not pregnant right?”

The doctor hesitated but it wasn’t like he was saying anything new. “He is pregnant.”

“How?”

_Paging Doctor Winchester. Dr. Harvey on line 2._

“I really need to take that.” The doctor sounded happy for a reason to escape what was quickly becoming an awkward situation.

CC turned his confused gaze to Andy who was trying and not succeeding in calming himself down. Unable to contain it anymore, Andy burst out crying, finally allowing the tears to fall. He knew in the back of his mind that Chris was just as lost as him, but couldn’t focus on that as he let himself sob. A moment later he felt a hand awkwardly patting his back in attempt to provide some comfort.

“Maybe the doctor’s just an idiot..”

“I’m a girl. I always have been. Fuck.” CC pulled away, taking a few steps backwards in surprise. Andy glanced at him briefly, noting his horrified expression was shockingly similar to Ash’s when he had found out. “What am I going to do,” Andy whispered.

“What? But you...you’re a guy…you can’t be..”

“I am.”

The door opened a few moments later causing Andy to look up. He saw Jake followed by Jinxx enter the room looking concerned. Before either of them could say anything, CC was backing away from Andy more and looking at them.

“Andy’s a girl and is pregnant.”

Andy winced at CC’s outburst, now almost everyone knew.

“Wait, what?” When he turned to look at them, he noticed their looks of confusion and shock, but not a trace of the anger and betrayal that had been on Ash’s face when he found out Andy was a girl.

They looked confused for a moment then Jake started to laugh followed by Jinxx. “Okay, very funny. Now what really is wrong with you? Were you crying?”

Jake directed his questions to Andy. Andy stared from Jake back to Jinxx unsure of how to answer. Both of them had stopped laughing and were looking at Andy expectantly.

CC spoke before Andy could. “Why are you guys laughing? I just told you Andy’s a pregnant girl and you find this funny?!?”

Jinxx and Jake started laughing again and Andy felt his face burn. Jinxx managed to say between chuckles. “Because you’re really gullible.”

“I am not, I heard the doctor tell Andy he was pregnant..”

Jake shook his head and looked at CC pityingly. “Hate to break it to you but I think you just got a massive prank played on you.”

“Yeah, Andy a girl? And pregnant to boot??” Jinxx added.

The casual way they were denying the truth, had Andy feeling more anxious. He hadn’t counted on Jake and Jinxx not believing him. And because they didn’t believe CC he was even more worried about their reactions when they found out the guy they had been living with wasn’t a “guy.” All he could remember was high school and the students there as he navigated between being practically tortured by some of the girls for being a “butch” and treated like he was mud on boys shoes because he had a guys body and voice but not the junk to match.

But he had to get it over with. He laced his hands together digging his fingers into the back of his palms and tried to keep his voice steady as he said. “It’s true I’m a girl.” He shifted slightly playing with a kink in the IV line going into his hand. “And yeah I’m pregnant.”

Jake didn’t miss a beat. “Haha, very funny. CC may believe everything but we don’t...anyway since the doctor I’m guessing didn’t find anything wrong with you when are they discharging you? Because--”

“Yeah when are they? You don’t have to stay the--” Jinxx started to say.

Andy cut them both off. “You don’t get I’m serious? I’m not joking!”

They didn’t look convinced and glanced at each other smirking...which was more than enough to piss Andy off. Before he had fully considered what he was doing he slipped of the bed, ripping off his gown in one motion and pulling the panties he was wearing down. Jake, Jinxx and CC all let out an audible gasp. Andy stood there, his heart beating in his chest, and his legs trembling as his friends stared at his now nude body.

“Shit.” Jake whispered the word.

Jinxx cleared his throat and started to say something but at that moment the door opened and Ash walked in.

He froze in the doorway then glared at Andy before glancing at the other three guys and back to Andy. “So what, you’re willing to open your legs for everyone now that they know?”

Andy didn't say anything so Ashley continued meanly. “Trying to set up a fucking gangbang?”

Andy’s eyes burned with more tears as he glared at Ashley. “They wouldn’t believe me that I’m a girl and this was the only way to prove it!”

“Why didn’t you just have them fuck you?” Ash said nastily. “Why show when you can demonstrate!”

“Fuck you Ash! I don’t want anyone else! The only guy I liked was you and--” Andy broke off.

Jinxx raised his eyebrows suddenly and his eyes widened as something registered. Andy was too upset to notice though.

Jake moved forward grabbing Andy’s gown from the floor. “It’s okay.” He glanced back at Ash who was standing there with his arms folded. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Ash didn’t say anything. Jake shook his head and focused on snapping up the arms of the gown with a muscle working in his jaw. Jinxx looked likewise pissed at Ash as he stepped forward to Andy who looked miserable. “Come on let’s get you dressed.”

When Andy made no move to do so Jinxx sighed and carefully pulled Andy’s panties back up, before grabbing the gown from Jake and holding it out.  Andy was still avoiding everyone’s eyes and now after Ash’s words looked ashamed.

“We’re not mad or anything.” Jinxx directed his next comment at Ash. “Except for that asshole behind me, but he’s probably just pissed someone interrupted his afternoon booze fest.”

“Fuck you Jinxx.”

“Right back at you.”

“Why are you acting like a jerk?” CC asked sounding confused.

“Maybe because everyone is acting like Andy’s some kind of victim here.”

“He fucking passed out Ashley?!! Youve been giving him shit for weeks. Can you lay off today?!!” Jake practically yelled back turning and walking until he was a barely a foot from Ash. His fists were clenched.

“Maybe he passed out because he’s a goddamn liar and  --”

Jinxx cut Ashley off glaring at him. “Or maybe he passed out because he’s been too stressed to eat anything thanks to you making him feel like shit.”

“So everyone’s on his or excuse me _her_ side?”

Jake started to say something else but stopped and everyone looked in surprise as CC who had mostly been quiet and looked confused during the whole exchange got between Jake and Ash and said in a deathly quiet voice. “If you say one more word about Andy I will fucking deck you.”

Nobody said anything for several long moments and then finally Ash snorted and replied. “I don’t have to stand here and take this bullshit.”

He turned around and walked out the hospital room, slamming the door behind him.

Andy sat back down on the ER cart and stared at the floor. He started as Jinxx settled on one side of  him and Jake the other.

“So you’re pregnant.” It was neutral matter of fact and totally non-accusatory; they could have been talking about the weather.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“Like totally pregnant?” CC blurted out.

Andy looked up smiling a little at the innocent and yet somewhat dumb question. “Yeah, CC. You can’t be half pregnant. It’s an all or none thing.”

“Oh yeah…” CC blushed a little.

“So what happened exactly?”

Andy brought his knees up hugging them to his chest. “I had sex. I got pregnant even though I shouldn’t be able to. I’m a girl.”

“You look like a guy though..” Jake was very confused, Andy could tell.

“Yeah.” Andy shrugged

“What caused it, you know?” Andy relaxed a bit at the question, knowing now after the confrontation that at least Jinxx and Jake weren’t disgusted with him.

“The doctors don’t know exactly what the issue is, or why I never started puberty like most girls. My hormone levels are all kinds of messed up. They even tried to give me estrogen as an early teen, but it made me really sick. I was going to be sterile anyways, or so I thought, so I told them to just stop the treatments if it’s just so I can have boobs or whatever. They don't have a name for it really. The doctors say it's "unspecified idiopathic failed pubertal onset and secondary sexual differentiation” or something like that."

“That’s quite the mouthful.”

Andy snorted at Jake’s comment. “That’s exactly what I told them.”

“Do you identify as a girl or a guy? Because I’ve seen you use the guy's bathroom many times.”

Andy blushed and rubbed his neck. “Kinda both, I guess? I mean I look like a guy so it’s easier to just let people think I am, but there’s no getting around that I have female genitalia, so…” Andy shrugged and trailed off. He could feel his stomach roiling again, and reached down stretching out his legs and grabbing the barf bag he had set aside.

“So who’s the father?”

Jakes’s question had Andy freezing. He couldn’t tell, there was no way. Jake and Jinxx took the news okay, but what would they do when they found out Ash was the father? Bile rose up in his throat. He opened the barf bag and heaved into it a few times.

When he was finished, Jake grabbed the bag tossing it in the garbage. Andy could feel everyone’s eyes on him as they waited for an answer.

“I only slept with one guy.”

Andy glanced up just in time to see understanding dawn in CC’s eyes. “Does _he_ know?”

Andy shook his head. “No.”

“Are you going to tell him?” Jinxx said.

Andy shrugged. Just then someone knocked on the door and then without waiting for an answer the door opened.

Andy was surprised to see Ash. CC who had been sitting on the edge of the counter hopped down and glared at Ash clearly intending to make good on his promise when Ash raised his hands.

“I thought about what you guys said and I’m sorry.” The others looked unconvinced but Ash continued. “I shouldn't have yelled.”

“Or cursed at him.” CC said. “Or insulted him, or--”

“I get the picture Chris.” Ash said sounding irritated, he turned to look at Andy and continued on. “I brought you something.”

Andy perked up as Ashley walked over and handed him a bottle. “Oooo chocolate milk! My favorite! Thanks!” He smiled and opened the bottle before taking a drink of it.

“You’re going to make him sick, he’s already thrown up a lot today and giving him that crap isn’t going to help. Are you going to be feeding him shit like this the whole time he’s pregnant?” Jake groused still obviously angry at Ashley.

Everyone froze and Andy choked on the mouthful of milk he had just taken.

“What?” Ash’s face dropped, it was hard to read just what he was feeling beneath the mask of confusion and disbelief. “You’re pregnant?”

“Yeah.” Andy whispered. “I’m pregnant...that’s--that’s why I passed out and everything.”

“And you didn’t tell me?”

Andy and Ash were now talking only to each other apparently forgetting the fact others were in the room.

“I just found out.”

Jinxx, gestured to their other two bandmates to get up and nodded towards the door. To Andy he said. “We’re going to step outside.”

Andy nodded absently, he was focused on Ash trying to read his expression. The door shut and then he and Ashley were alone. “The doctor just told me today. He did an ultrasound and everything. I--I didn’t know. That’s why I’ve been feeling weird and passed out...well actually part of the reason...other part is I can’t keep anything down..and that’s because I’m pregnant and--” He broke off noticing Ash was silent. “Ash?”

“This can’t be happening.”

“It is, though,” Andy muttered looking worriedly at Ash.

Ash turned around facing away from Andy and ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “Shit, no you don’t understand.” He reached out throwing a box of tissue to the floor, before turning back to Andy. “THIS cannot be happening.” After a moment Ashley continued hopefully. “Who’s the father?”

“You are.”

“I’m not father material! Why didn’t you use a condom if you knew you could get pregnant?”

“Me?!? This wasn't supposed to happen, I’m not supposed to be able to have kids!”

“Why the fuck aren’t you on birth control?” Ash continued ranting. “You fucking seduced me Andy. you--”

“I didn’t force you to have sex...I tried to tell you--”

“You knew you were a girl long before that, take some responsibility--”

“You’re the one who said “fuck first talk later”. What was I supposed to do pull down my pants and yell Ashley I don’t have a dick!! ”

“Maybe be honest with me! I DON’T want to be a dad, christ---” Ash started pacing. “Don’t you get that?”  
  


He swung back around and rounded on Andy again. “You need to get an abortion. You’re _going_  to get an abortion.”

Andy was already feeling shaky from not eating pretty much all day, and passing out and now the stress of everyone finding out about him and Ash yelling and everything had him feeling even worse. He was dizzy and nauseated and now his stomach was beginning to hurt. “I what?”

“You heard me, go to a clinic and fix this.”

“You can’t mean’--”

“I meant every word. I don’t want you having this child! Get fucking rid of it!”

Andy felt crushed. He couldn’t begin to figure out what he had done wrong or how to fix it. So he just said. “I’m sorry okay? I’m sorry I ruined everything and I’m sorry I’m pregnant and I’m sorry for everything and--” He couldn’t say anything else because he was crying too hard and the chocolate milk was about to come back up. Andy clamped a hand over his mouth and dropped the half full bottle he was still holding. Chocolate milk fanned out in a puddle as Andy ran past Ash to the bathroom in the hall.  

He needed to get away from Ash. Jinxx, Jake and CC who were standing outside the room glanced at him as he ran past but Andy didn’t stop.

  


☆═━┈┈━═☆

Ashley ran a hand through his hair as he watched Andy flee from the emergency room they were in. The anger he was feeling towards Andy, towards himself, towards the baby… He collapsed into a chair and leaned his head heavily into his hands.

A baby.

A human life that he would be responsible for. He wasn’t ready for that.

“Fuck.” He looked up when he heard the door open and then slam shut, only to see a stern looking Jinxx standing in front of the door.

“You are an idiot Ashley Purdy! Andy loves you, you know. Apparently you’re so in your own little world you can’t see it, but I’ve actually known since the ‘Set the World on Fire’ album. He fucking loves you and you just hurt him worse than anyone else probably could. Because it wasn’t me or CC or Jake basically acting like after all these years we’ve been together doesn’t mean anything, because he doesn’t happen to have a dick!--”

Ash swallowed at that. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Yeah you fucking did. He’s already scared and not feeling good and you’ve made everything worse. He’d do anything for you, hell he has done a shit ton of stuff for you...and this one time when he really needs you, you treat him like a piece of shit.” Jinxx walked closer, his jaw clenched. “He’s in the goddamn bathroom right now crying his eyes out and throwing up, not letting anyone in but I bet he’ll let you in because he’ll forgive you...he’ll always forgive you even when you hurt him…”

Jinxx wasn’t finished. “He didn’t ask to get pregnant, in fact you can tell he’s terrified of it...and I don’t know what happened that night you and him got together, but I don’t believe for one second he tricked you or something--and you don’t fucking believe it either. You need to fucking man up Ashley Purdy, and admit what’s wrong in this whole picture, it’s you. You’re scared. You’re better than this person you’ve become, and I know you have it in you to be a great dad.”  
  


Ashley looked at Jinxx with a furrowed brow. Jinxx didn’t mean that...did he?

“How do you know I will?”

“Because I know you, and I know Andy. And I know why you don’t want kids. You don’t have to say it, but I know. Andy needs your support right now. This isn’t going to be an easy 9 or however many months he has...but if Andy has you he’ll get through it.”

Ashley stayed silent for a moment. Jinxx was right. He’d been a complete asshole to everyone, but especially Andy.

Nodding Ashley stood up and wordlessly walked towards the door. As he was about to open the door, a hand on his wrist stopped him. Jinxx’s fingers dug hard enough in to leave bruises. His voice was like ice as he said evenly.

“ _Don’t_ hurt him any more than you have.” There was an unspoken threat there, promising bad things if he did just that. “Down the hall last third door on the right.” Ash nodded as the hand disappeared from his wrist. Jinxx moved out of the way and opened the door.

He had to start patching up the damage he did. There was no way he wanted to lose Andy from his life.

  
When he reached the door Jinxx pointed out, he pushed open the door softly, absently noting how it hadn’t been locked. Hunched over the porcelain toilet, Andy was heaving in between racking sobs that shook his whole body. Without a word he knelt down beside Andy and pulled his hair back out of his face as he retched repeatedly.


	3. Chapter 3

With his free hand, Ash started rubbing comforting patterns on Andy’s back as he continued to hold Andy’s hair. It was a good few more minutes before Andy was done heaving and retching and Ashley’s knees were already sore from the tiled floor. His heart wrenched as Andy continued to sob as he knelt there.

“I’m sorry, Ashley. It-it’s all my--my fault. I let you and the guys down, I should have told you. We shouldn’t have slept together and--”

“No... This isn’t your fault and I was a complete jackass to you and the guys.” Andy flushed and leaned away from the toilet to look at Ashley. His eyes were red rimmed and swollen and his cheeks were splotchy.

“If you want--I’ll--I'll have an abortion.” Andy swallowed and Ash sat back stunned. Andy was already continuing. “I--I don’t think I want to, but--” He bit his lip and swallowed again. “I’m not going to make you have a kid or something and I messed up and--”

Ash finally regained his ability to speak. He felt sick staring at Andy, Jinxx’s words that Andy would do anything for him were ringing in his ears. “Stop, I don’t--look. If _you_ want to have an abortion I’m not going to say I’m not okay with it...but if you want to have this kid I’m okay with that too.”

Andy glanced up at that, tears still in his eyes and his voice sounded desperately hopeful. “Maybe I won’t have to have an abortion….Maybe I’ll have a miscarriage.” But Ash could tell Andy didn’t really want that and was saying what Andy thought he wanted to hear.

“You don’t want that--I don’t want that.”

“It’d be for the best.”

“No, hell no. What’s for the best is for things to turn out like they should.”

“Which is?”

Ash sighed. “Come here.” He stretched out his arms and Andy flinched pulling away warily. That movement had it sinking even more home just how much he had hurt Andy not only over the past few weeks but also over the past few hours. He lowered his arms and said carefully. ”I know you have every reason to think I’m an asshole and I’ve definitely acted like one. Jinxx pretty much told me so, I taunted you, I yelled at you, treated you like shit and all for no reason really, but I want to change. You’ve always been there for me and I want to do the same for you.”

Andy relaxed a little at that and then hesitated before moving closer. He didn’t cuddle up into Ash’s arms but instead scooted next to him resting his head tentatively on his shoulder. “I’m tired.”

“Yeah, it’s--been a long day.”

Andy fell silent for a moment then asked softly like a kid begging. “Are you really not mad at me anymore?”

His own eyes were burning at the raw pain in Andy’s voice but Ash answered back. “No” He hesitated before continuing. “I’m mad at myself. I realise I was an idiot. When I woke up that morning after we had sex I was pissed because you were a girl but not for the reasons you think.” Ash felt Andy stiffen next to him and hurriedly continued. “I sorta remember pieces and yeah I was horny and I was drunk and when I woke up in the morning laying next to what I thought it was a guy and I realised it was you I panicked. All I could think about was how you lied to me.”

“I--I didn’t I--”

“No, listen. I _thought_ you had, and it felt wrong for after all these years of living with you, going out together, playing in a band together and practically living our lives together for months at a time to find out you were hiding something from me… I needed something real in my life and you guys and this band are it. You’re pretty much all I have, and feeling like I had been lied to for years had me questioning everything...it fucked up my world. If you were a girl and had hidden it for years what else was off? What else was going to be pulled out from under my feet.”

“I--I’m sorry. I never intended to lie to you or the guys. I thought that--that letting you guys think I was a guy would make you less likely to think I’m a freak of nature. Everytime...everytime I’ve told someone the truth it usually hasn’t ended well. I just wanted to be accepted.”

Ashley felt like shit at that...Any thoughts of coming fully out with the whole issue surrounding Andy and him disappeared at that. It wouldn’t help anything to admit part of what he was having trouble wrapping his head around was Andy being a female who looked like a male. That would just make Andy feel worse and really Ash knew most of the problem was related to his own sexuality. Sleeping with Andy had been a spur of the moment decision with them both being drunk, but it had also been something he had been considering for a long time before that. Kissing Andy, holding him, and that had him silently freaking out. Because he was straight...sure he had experimented before but nothing serious...and yet he had been undeniably attracted to Andy for years. He’d grown up in the country where it wasn’t exactly acceptable to be anything less than a straight person, and so he hadn’t considered anything different….but Andy was something different.

Andy was still waiting expectantly so Ashley forced his own insecurities down and said what Andy needed to hear. “You shouldn’t be judged based on something you can’t control….I shouldn’t have judged you. You didn’t..don’t deserve that.” Ashley tentatively put one arm around the back of Andy’s shoulders. When Andy snuggled further into his embrace, he wrapped his other arm around Andy and closed his eyes.

“There’s something else you should know. I--you know how my parents died when I was young, right?”

“Yeah..”

“Well I never told you or the guys this, but I was in the car with them in the crash.” Andy gasped beside him, but Ashley continued, “I had nightmares for years after that, even when my grandparents took me in. The image of them lifeless and mangled... that’s not something you ever forget...”

“I’m sorry Ashley...”

“Yeah I know.I just...I guess I just didn’t want people pitying me or something.. But, having a kid makes me think back to how I grew up. One moment my mom is tucking me into bed next moment she’s lying bloodied with a broken neck in the front seat... What if something happens and it...our child has to grow up without parents? That...that’s why...I don’t want my child to go through that….And I know I’m going to be a terrible father..I’ve got a shit-load of issues no one let alone a kid should have to deal with...I don’t know how to have a relationship without screwing up, how the hell am I going to do anything else?”

“Is that why you sleep with so many women and never got serious with anyone, because you think you’re too messed up and you’re scared something will happen to them?”

“Yeah, pretty much.” Ash sighed and said like it was a mantra he had repeated many time in his head. “Love ‘em and leave them and you won’t get hurt and they won’t either. If I don’t have anyone I care about I can’t lose them and I can’t hurt them...I really messed both those up already...should have stayed away from that craiglist ad years ago.”

It took Andy a moment to realise what Ash was talking about then he smiled slightly and tucked in closer laying his head on Ash’s chest. After a few moments Andy shot up abruptly with wide eyes.

“I spilled my milk…”

Ashley snickered and let Andy go. “You just thought of that? I can always get you another one.”

“Could you get some peanut butter too?”

“Peanut butter? What the hell do you want that for?”

“I was thinking they would taste good together.”

Ash stared at Andy’s innocent expression and made a disgusted face.  “Uhh sure, but aren’t you too early for having cravings…?”

Andy shrugged, blushing a little. “I’m not craving it--not really--I just thought it’d taste good together.”

“Uh-huh...well we should probably get you back to the room before the guys think I murdered you or something.”

“Okay , I am really tired, but I don’t think they think you’d murder me.”

Ash thought back to the look on Jinxx’s face. “I don’t think we’d better take any chances.”

Andy gave Ash a confused look but shrugged it off a moment later. Ashley stood up beside Andy before helping him to a standing position. He let Andy get steadied before he headed to the door.

“Your stomach okay?”

“Yeah.” Andy nodded.

When they got back to the ER room, they both froze a few steps in. The room was packed with people, their three bandmates, a few nurses, the doctor, and a few security guards. Jinxx was arguing with a security guard about something.

Ash turned to Jake and CC who were leaning against a wall.

“What’s going on?”

“They’re looking for you.” Ashley turned to CC and nearly winced at the smug look on his face. Okay maybe he had deserved that look.

“Why me?”

Jake answered this time. “Because you were arguing with Andy and one of the nurses saw him crying and called security.” Jake shrugged looking only half concerned. “She apparently said you smelled like booze too. Jinxx was trying to stall them from finding you and arresting you or whatever so you could talk to Andy.”

“There he is--” Ash didn’t get to ask anything further because one of the security guards had spotted him.

“Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave the hospital. Where’s the woman you were yelling at?”

From the corner of his eyes, Ash saw Andy freeze and and tense up before taking a step forward.

“I-I- am.”

The security guards pretty much ignored him, already walking over to Ash. So Andy said again. “I think you’re looking for me.”

“Sir we’re looking for a woman. I suggest you go back to your hospital room and--”

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Andy felt his cheeks redden and was grateful when the doctor stepped in. “He’s who you’re looking for.”

One of the security guards turned to look at the doctor with a what-the-hell expression but quickly recovered...mostly. “Uh, Sir--ma’am. He paused like he was hoping for some kind of indication which to use, then when Andy didn’t speak he continued. “We heard this _individual_ \--” The emphasis he placed on the word had Andy sure that wasn’t what he wanted to say. “Was harassing you, calling you names--”

CC added in an undertone. “Being a fucking a-hole.”

“And we can’t allow that on hospital property. He’s going to have to leave.”

“But--” Andy started to say.

Ash cut him off. “I’m not leaving.”

Security closed in on that remark. A tall overweight security guard who was at least a hundred pounds heavier and a good head or two taller than Ash stepped forward. “Are you saying you won’t sir?”

“I’m saying I _fucking_ won’t.” Ash answered back.

“If you don’t leave hospital premises we can have you arrested.”

Jinxx started to step in at that. “There’s a little misunderstanding, like I tried to tell you.”

Security rounded on him. “You can be removed too sir if you interfere. This man was verbally assaulting this--this--this woman...here--”

Meanwhile the doctor had edged over to Andy. “I’m taking it this is _Ash_ the guy who’s the father?”

Andy nodded.

Dr. Winchester glanced at Ash who was swearing at a security guard. Distaste was clearly present in the doctor’s expression. “We have resources to help if _Ash_ is making you feel unsafe and if he’s hurting you in any way or--”

“What? No, Ash isn’t hurting me. He hasn’t touched me once. I mean he was upset yeah but--I’m okay. Really and --” Andy stopped talking as he heard yelling behind him and turned to find a security guard red in the face looming over Ash looking like he wanted to strangle the smaller man.

“We have video of you yelling at this--this woman multiple times during her visit and you were caught with alcohol in the hospital--”

Andy watched as Ash flipped the guard off. “This is fucking bullshit!” Ash completely ignored the comment about him drinking and instead said, “We were having a disagreement.”

“A disagreement in which you swore multiple times at her, yelled, threw things and tried to force her to have an abortion.”

Jake looked at Andy as the guard said that. “Is that true? He wants you to get an abortion?”

“No--well yes, but not--”

Jake didn’t even hear the rest because he swore and said. “Fucking bastard.” CC looked if it was possible even more pissed.

Ash apparently didn’t know about self preservation or how not to piss off people who could have you sent to jail because now he was saying even more.

“What I say to him was between us not this whole goddamn ER! Shit--”

Andy’s eyes widened as he saw the larger guard pull out a pair of handcuffs, and quickly he pushed forward. “Leave him alone...everything is fine.”

The guards either didn’t hear him or didn’t care. “We’re filing charges for you a--”

“We already worked this out, just let him go.”

“You can’t just walk up into a hospital and--”

Andy could tell no one was listening to him yet again. Feeling anger bubble up, Andy walked up to the guard that had the handcuffs and poked the security guard’s chest angrily. “I don’t know why you two Rent-A-Cops get off acting like fucking SWAT wannabe’s, but I’m tired of it! I’m tired and want to just get out of this fucking hospital, but nooooo you two clowns have to act like you’re above everyone because you have ‘security’ in your fucking job description!! Great job, you two _dumbasses_ are causing me stress and I swear to God that if I miscarry you can bet I’ll be suing your asses!”

His heavy breathing was the only noise that broke the silence that followed his rant. He’d just yelled that all nearly in one single breath, but Andy was confident his point had gotten across. Andy could feel a gentle tug on his arm, trying to pull him away before the guards could recover from their shock, but shook the arm off. Instead he glared them down stubbornly.

“Okay, I think they get the drift Andy.” Jinxx grabbed his arm again. “Calm down”

The security guards looked noticeably chastened but tried to recover the situation. A security guard stepped forward, still glaring at Ash. “I think everyone here deserves an apology for your behavior.”

“I’ll fucking apologize to _him_. Which I have done. I’m not saying shit to _you_.”

That comment nearly started up another round of arguing, luckily the doctor intervened when he saw how upset Andy was becoming about the whole fiasco. Thirty minutes later they were discharged with a heap of paperwork, a few prescriptions and several appointments somehow they had to figure out how to schedule while still touring. Ash meanwhile had managed to get off with a just warning from the security officers.

Andy was just happy to finally be going home to the bus. He was exhausted both physically and mentally. A part of him still didn’t trust Ash, he believed what he had told him but he also couldn’t forget how Ash had treated him over the past few weeks or the things the other man had said.

So he was grateful when he climbed in the backseat that CC and Jake got in on either side intentionally blocking out Ash. They were still pissed at him, in fact Andy could tell the whole band was, and Ash seemed upset too but mostly at himself.

It was going to be a long time before things turned back to normal...if they ever did. But for now Andy was content that people finally knew who he was and at least partly accepted him. Everything else he could deal with.

Before he knew it his eyes were closing, his head drifted to one side landing on Jake’s shoulder, he started to move, still hesitant about how the others felt around him. “Sorry. I--”

“It’s okay, just go to sleep you need some rest.”

“Yeah, we’ll still be here when you wake up.” CC may have been half joking but Andy settled back relaxing at the promise and he drifted off to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Andy woke up and opened his eyes staring at the underside of his bunk. It was time to get up of that he was fairly sure but he really, really didn’t want to. He still felt tired though that was something that apparently was normal when you were pregnant, and to make matters worse the nausea hadn’t really subsided. The doctor back in the ER had given Andy a script for Zofran, but after he tried taking a few doses and wound up with hives every time it was obvious he was allergic, plus googling on the net had shown some studies linked it to birth defects.

So, he was left to suffer without relief, not that the others hadn’t tried to help him. Andy reached out grabbing the small packets of crackers someone (probably Jake or Jinxx) had stashed under his pillow. Supposedly eating dry toast or crackers in the morning helped with nausea….Andy really just found it helped not having to throw up on an empty stomach which hurt like hell.

He ate a few, then laid back hoping everything would settle down...of course there was no such luck. Reluctantly he made his morning trip to the bathroom, emptied his stomach, washed up, brushed his teeth and wandered into the dining/kitchen area of the tour bus, where he could smell food. He hesitated just outside the doorway as he heard voices.

“We need to postpone the tour.” Jake’s voice said.

“Yeah, the problem is you have another 4 months of dates, not to mention signings, meet and greets--” Andy heard their manager stop as Jinxx replied.

“Well we’ll just have to do that next year or something, you can’t tour when you’re pregnant.” Jinxx added. “In a few weeks he’s going to be bigger and probably not holding up half as well as he is now.”

“He might not still be pregnant in a few weeks.” Ashley said.

Both CC and Jake said, threateningly “What did you mean by that?”

Ash didn’t answer but Andy guessed what Ash had meant and he was sure the others had too. After the hospital visit Ash had been nicer but he hadn’t fully changed, sure he was no longer treating him awful and he hadn’t directly mentioned abortion again, but he still wasn’t acting right around him and he definitely wasn’t happy about the prospect of a child.

Andy started to carefully arranging his features so the hurt at what Ash had said didn’t show in his face as he walked in, only to stop as Jinxx said. “That comment aside, there’s something else...what are we supposed to call Andy?”

“What do you mean?” It was CC this time.

“Well, we thought Andy was a guy and now we find out Andy’s pregnant, so what do we call him?”

“That really cleared things up, great job explaining.” Ash said belligerently.

“I’m saying isn’t it weird, if--” Andy bit his lip, as he continued listening in. He had thought they were okay with him...or at least that they would get used to it, but--now.

“Andy’s not weird! No more than the rest of us.” Jake spoke up.

“I--I--look am I the only one who thinks it’s strange that we keep calling Andy he and saying him and stuff? I read up on, like people who are transgender and--”

“Andy’s not fucking transgender.” Ash sounded pissed at even having the possibility hinted. Andy frowned at that.

“Ash you can shut up, and Jinxx I get what you’re saying but if Andy wants us to call him by her and she or whatever else I think he’ll tell us. Otherwise until we tell the fans and everyone else it’s probably easier if he just keep things the same so there’s no slip-ups. Right?”

“Yeah.”

Andy waited a few moments longer, unsure how to take what he had just heard. Steeling himself he straightened his shoulders and walked in. The others obviously hadn’t heard him so it was comical to see how everyone’s eyes immediately went to him and they self consciously looked around like they _hadn’t_ just been talking about him. Andy also noted that Ash was once again drinking. It was later in the day but not that late and he had a second empty bottle of beer in front of him.

“Hey.” The guys all greeted him as Andy sat down at the kitchen table, opposite Ash.  Andy felt like everyone was staring at him even though most of his bandmates were looking elsewhere. Ash hadn’t said anything when he walked in but now he said awkwardly, “So you’re up.”

“Yeah…”

“Did you sleep well?”

“Not really. The bunk is more uncomfortable than usual and I was so nauseated I kept waking up during the night to vomit.”

“I bet it’s that your body isn’t fit to handle a baby.” Ash took a sip of his beer and continued. “I mean there’s a reason the docs thought you were sterile.”

Andy bit his lip at that, and looked at Ash. Ash didn’t look angry. In fact he had said everything matter of factly and it still hurt but Andy was beginning to realise that Ash wasn’t intending to hurt him. He just didn’t know how not to or in some cases even realise he was doing it. “Yeah, I guess.” Andy swallowed unsure what else to say.

“That’s it for you.” Andy started as Jake reached past him and snatched Ash’s half full beer earning a glare from the other man.

“I was drinking--”

“You’re not drinking anymore of this shit...you already have enough trouble acting civil without being drunk as fuck.”

Ash looked like he wanted to say something else but Jake was giving him a very threatening glare. Andy watched as Ash swore but didn’t do anything further when Jake poured his bottle down the sink.

The atmosphere was tense, everyone was quiet, unsure what to say and Andy was trying to figure out how to broach the subject of the tour when CC stood up.

“It’s past noon you didn’t eat yet, how about some food.”

Andy shrugged not enthused about eating. Not to be denied CC said encouragingly. “Eggs, toast...bacon?”

The thought of bacon had his stomach lurching (he had noticed since getting pregnant meat was consistently less appealing as his pregnancy progressed). “Everything but the bacon.”

“Sure thing.” CC walked to the tiny kitchen area and started pulling out food and turning on the stove.

Andy looked back at the other guys and the band’s tour manager. “We’re not canceling the tour because of me.”

“No one said cancel it because of you.” Jinxx interjected.

“You were talking about canceling it because I’m pregnant. Same thing.”

“Andy listen--”

“This is my fault okay? I don’t want everyone else paying for it. If we cancel we’ve still got tons of venues booked, bills to pay, equipment rented, fans that will be disappointed.” Andy added more to himself than the others. “All because I couldn’t keep my legs shut.”

“It takes two to make a kid.” Jake said glaring at Ash,

“Still it’s my fault, I--I should have never--” Andy stopped and cleared his throat. “Point is we’re not stopping the tour.”

“We can decide to stop it without you, you know that right?” Jake continued. “Good luck going on a tour if your lead guitars and drummer drop out.”

“You’d do that?” Andy was pissed. “After all we’ve been through you’d screw up what we’ve worked so hard for. What the hell is --”

“Whoa, calm down.” Jinxx raised a placating hand. “We’re not doing this to hurt you we’re trying to help you Andy. You’re pregnant, standing on stage for hours, having fans yelling and pushing you, hecklers throwing shit at you just isn’t healthy for a pregnant person.”

“Then I won’t be pregnant.”

“What?” CC turned around a spatula in his hand, Andy saw him glance at Ash like the bassist was to blame for Andy’s decision.

Andy continued. “This isn’t anything Ash said this is about what all you guys said. If you’re going to cancel the tour because I’m pregnant then I just won’t fucking be pregnant.”

Jinxx and Jake both looked at him like he was crazy before Jake said soothingly. “Okay, we keep the tour, none of us leave...then what, people are going to notice.”

“I’ll wear loose clothes.” Andy knew he was grasping at straws but he needed the normalcy touring brought. He didn’t need to be sitting at home thinking about how he had fucked up.

“Okay...okay.” Jinxx and Jake were both shaking their heads and CC didn't look happy but they didn’t say anything else about stopping the tour.

“Food’s ready.” CC came over with a plate heaped with scrambled eggs and two slices of toast.

“Thanks Chris.” Andy picked up the fork, and glanced down at the yellow eggs and perfect golden bread slices.

He knew he had to show them he could handle this, touring and pregnancy, so even though The smells were making him sick, instead of pushing the plate away he forced himself to take a bite and swallow. In an hour he’d throw it back up but for now the illusion that things were normal was there.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

They had just finished the latest concert date and after managing to stick it out for the signing afterwards he was exhausted. Andy had an appointment with an OB GYN later that day which somehow Jake had managed to book even though it was last minute since they had been in another city miles away a day ago. He had a few hours to try to grab some rest before they went though and so Andy started off towards the tourbus intending to take a nap there.

Halfway there Andy stopped, as he noticed Jake, Jinxx, and CC standing near a trailer, talking amongst themselves rather furtively. Curiously he walked closer being careful they didn’t see him.

“This whole thing is getting out of hand.”

“Well what do you want to do.” Jinxx asked Jake.

“We should tell him to get off tour until he gets his act together.” CC said.

“Sending him home like he’s in timeout doesn’t change the problem.” Jake replied.

“He’s acting like an asshole, even more so than usual. Yeah, now he’s having a kid, but he doesn’t have to take it out on everyone else.”

Andy swallowed at Jinxx’s words as he listened to the other man continue. “It’s starting to affect the crew now too because they have to pick up his slack, he’s becoming a burden.”

The other guys nodded in agreement and Andy felt even more like shit as he realised the guys were talking about him.

“It’s not like he can’t fix this problem, it has a simple solution.” Jake said.

CC snorted. “Really, you think one day he’s going to wake up and suddenly be his old self? He’s selfish and he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong.”

“Yeah, well I’m getting tired of him.” Jake replied.

Andy hadn’t been feeling good but now he definitely felt worse. His eyes were burning and his throat felt thick, he must have made a sound because abruptly CC turned around. “Oh, hey Andy..”

Jake and Jinxx noticed him too and all three of them were looking awkward. Jinxx frowned as he stared at him. “Did you hear---are you okay?”

“Yeah--” That was obviously a lie but Andy didn’t want them to know he had heard so he said. “Well not really, stomach’s upset again. I’m going to take a nap or something.”

“Yeah...okay. I’ll wake you up when it’s time to leave.” Jake said watching him closely.

Andy didn’t say anything else instead he bolted to the tour bus, which thankfully was empty. His stomach really was upset and he only made it to the garbage can inside the door before he vomited. Moments later he straightened up, with tears running down his face.

The guys were right that he was a burden, and the crew was having to make concessions for him. It hurt even more to hear Jake, Jinxx and CC talking about him yet again because to his face they acted like they were okay with him being pregnant and were nothing but supportive.

Still, what they had said was true it had a simple solution...he could just have an abortion and they could continue the tour like nothing had happened. Ash was right, everyone was right, it was just messing up everything him being pregnant.

Andy snagged a bottle of soda from the fridge to settle his stomach and then went to his bunk, crying himself to sleep.

He woke up a few hours later with a cottony feeling in his head and someone shaking his shoulder. “Hey it’s time to go.”

“I don’t want to.” Andy tried to pull his pillow over his head only to have Jake snatch it back.

“Come on, do you know how much trouble I went through to get this appointment for you. I almost literally had to sweat blood and give my firstborn.” That joking comment had Andy sitting up as he remembered the others complaining about him.

“Sorry.” Andy mumbled.

Jake shook his head. “No need to say sorry--” He paused as he looked at Andy more closely. “Have you been crying? What upset you?”

Andy shrugged avoiding his eyes. “Nothing, just you know stupid stuff that only makes pregnant people cry.”  He pushed past Jake before he could inquire further. It was late afternoon and his appointment was in a little less than an hour and a half.

Andy grabbed fresh clothes pulling them on and then went into the lounge area of the tourbus to find all the other three bandmates there. “Ready to go?” CC asked.

“What?”

“Ready--to--go?” CC repeated the words slowly then laughed. “Are you still half asleep?”

“No,” Andy frowned. “I don’t need anyone to come with me, I don’t want to bother anyone, I’ll just go by myself.”

“And that is definitely not happening.” Jake had come up behind him.

“But--”

“Me and _Ash_ are coming with.” Jake added cutting him off.

“And me!” CC piped up from where he was lounged across a sofa.

Ashley who had thus far not spoke, answered this time. “Only because you practically begged to come like this is a fucking field trip.” Andy was surprised to note Ash didn't have a drink in his hand, but no sooner did he think that Ash stood up moving towards the small fridge in the lounge.

As he did so he locked eyes with Jake like it was some kind of staring contest and maintained contact with a slight smirk on his face as he grabbed a beer, popped it open and took a long swallow. Jake had a muscle working in his jaw and looked pissed but Andy saw him glance at him and then back at Ash.

“CC can come, I’m driving--”

Ash started to say something and Jake added with an edge of ice in his voice. “Because Ash is deciding now is happy hour--” Ash fell silent and then almost defiantly took another gulp of his beer. Jake turned away from Ash and said to Andy. “Come on we’d better go.”

Jinxx was the only person that wasn’t coming and said in response to Andy’s questioning look, “I’m gonna stay here for a little peace and quiet.” Andy gave an uncertain smile and reasoned he was just being paranoid and Jinxx wasn’t avoiding his gaze on purpose.

Ash who had been about to sit down, abruptly aborted the movement as Jinxx gave him a glare. “Between the _three_ of them you’ll be fine.”

☆═━┈┈━═☆

The ride to the office had been quiet enough, but when they got there they were met with stares. Four guys dressed in rocker clothes walking into a an OB-gyn office sounded like the start of a bad joke.

The receptionist looked like someone had slapped her when she peered at her list of appointments and Andy stepped forward when she said his name. He took the sheaf of papers she gave him as she added in an undertone. “This is an _OB_ office.”

Andy nodded. Apparently she thought he was stupid because she added. “As in Obstetrics and gynecology...we don’t deal with...males.”

“Yeah I’m aware. Is that your way of saying you want to check my junk out?” He could feel the stares on him, but Andy managed to keep his attention on the receptionist. The lady blushed heavily as she stuttered an intelligible reply. Andy continued feeling irritated, “Are you singling me out, or are you into genital verification for every patient that walks through those doors?”

“You could at least buy him a drink first before you get that intimate sheesh--ow.” CC rubbed his shoulder where Jake had smacked him.

Andy was feeling particularly pissed and wanted to say something else but Jake grabbed his elbow steering him towards a the waiting area.

“I can’t go anywhere with you guys.” Jake muttered.

Andy frowned but didn’t say anything, instead he turned his attention to the pile of paperwork he was supposed to fill out as a new patient. Most of it was weird and foreign considering he didn’t have any of these issues _painful periods, misshapen breasts, etc etc._ Still he filled it out as best he could blushing at some of the questions.

He finished the paperwork, turned it in and returned to his seat to find Ash grumbling about something under his breath. “Don’t look now but asshole alert.”

Andy turned to where Ash was pointing and found a couple staring at them. The woman was very obviously pregnant and the man sitting next to her looked angry. Ash turned in his seat to pointedly stare at the man earning a groan from Jake.

The staring contest continued for a few more minutes until apparently the guy had enough. He walked over standing close to them and Ash, always ready for a fight, stood up. The man was just about his height so they were eye to eye.

“What’s your problem.” Ash said.

“You’re my problem. I brought my wife here for an appointment and I have to deal with you four guys causing trouble.”

“So sitting here in the same room as you is causing trouble.”

“Look buddy, we don’t tolerate that shit they do in the cities or whatever around here. We’re good God fearing folk and your presence is upsetting my wife. Why don’t you demon-worshipers go somewhere else before you cause her to miscarry?”

“We have just as much right to be here as you do.” Andy frowned and looked from Ash to the man standing before them. His stomach lurched worryingly, whether from stress or just morning sickness, he didn’t know for sure.

“I don’t want any trouble. Maybe we should just sit somewhere else?” Andy looked to the guys before looking around.

“There isn’t enough seats available anywhere but here. Just sit down Ashley.” Jake’s voice was meant to be soothing and calm, but Andy couldn’t help but feel apprehensive over the situation.

“Unlike you freaks, my wife is actually pregnant, and you lot are causing her stress.” The man pointed towards his wife who was watching the whole exchange and crossing herself.

Ashley pointed at Andy with a look of irritation. “Andy’s pregnant and you’re causing _him_ stress. I think Andy’s more at risk of miscarriage than she is, don’t you think?”

“Y’all are just a bunch of liars. Nobody cares about him being a _transformer_ or whatever the hell kids these days are calling themselves. If _she_ really is a woman, she should act like it and stop going against what God intended and dressing like a man.” The man gestured towards Andy, disgust clear on his face.

Ash however was fuming, and rather than wanting to cause any more of a commotion, Andy grabbed Ash’s wrist and stood up, trying desperately to push his overwhelming emotions aside for the moment. “Please just stop, Ash. Let’s sit down..”

When Ash didn’t move Jake said. “C’mon Ash, just calm down. You’re upsetting Andy.” Ash paused for a moment before turning and giving Andy a searching look. Apparently he saw what he was looking for and nodded to Jake.

“Alright. I’ll sit down.” Andy watched as Ash glared at the guy one last time before taking his seat next to Andy. He surprised Andy by leaning forward and saying, “but only for you babe, not because this asshole here has issues with his own sexuality.” and Ash kissed Andy square on the lips. It was a rather long kiss considering the circumstances. And Andy savored the sensation until he saw Ash pull away smirking at the guy and realised it was just to make the man mad further.

Andy felt used. Ash hadn’t kissed him except as a way of starting a fight. Ash was smirking and  the guy looked outraged but Jake quickly jumped in, trying to smooth over the situation.

It took Jake a few moments to talk the guy down, and by then Andy’s stomach was making its displeasure obvious. Andy started to burp and that turned into a gag which CC noticed. “What’s up?”

“I feel like I’m going to puke.”

Jake looked over at that. “When did you last eat?”

“Breakfast.”

“What about lunch?”

“I wasn’t feeling good and it wouldn’t stay down.” Andy didn’t mention the reason he wasn’t feeling good was because he had heard his friends talking about him, but at the memory he felt his eyes burn.

“You’re not supposed to go that long without eating…” Jake trailed off and sighed. “That’s one of the reasons you feel sick, you need to eat.”

“I’ll get him something real quick.” Ash started to hold out his hands for the keys.

“I’m not letting you drive and get a DUI” Ash looked like he wanted to say something else but Jake was already continuing to Andy “Plus you’ll bring back shit, Jinxx packed some food for you before he left. I brought some with me in case you got hungry.”

Jake reached in the pocket of his jacket and pulled out a granola bar and a cheese stick and crackers. “Which one, there's more food in the car?”

Andy reluctantly grabbed the bar and took a few tentative bites. But he was still upset by what the guy had said and thinking back to the conversation he had heard a few hours ago. Before he knew it his eyes had filled with tears, Ash noticed. “Why are you crying?”

“Nothing” Andy mumbled around a mouthful of granola bar, as he started to sob. He swallowed the mouthful then abruptly stood up his stomach protested at the new addition. “I’ll be right back.” He said or at least tried to say, he was crying to hard to be sure anybody understood.

He bolted across the waiting room towards the bathroom feeling the eyes of the rest of the waiting couples staring at him. Without looking at them, Andy pushed open the door and shot over to the toilet, not bothering to lock the door behind him. Only a moment later he heard the door open and a hand pull his long hair back out of his face as he heaved and threw up.

“Hey..what’s wrong?” Andy paused for a moment at the genuine worry in his voice.

“N-nothing….just...I..” He threw up once more sobbing between heaves.

“It’s not nothing. There’s something bothering you. Was it that guy and his wife sitting across from us?” Andy nodded slightly, it was easier to admit that than to add that he was also upset because Ash had kissed him to get back at someone else and not because he actually wanted to kiss him. “I know it’s probably easier said than done, but try not to let him get to you. He doesn’t know your situation, or what you’ve gone through. He’s just making judgements based on looks. Not everyone is going to be like that.”

“What if our fans are like that?” Andy sat back after a few moments of relief from vomiting.

“They won’t be. Our fans are amazing. You keep forgetting _Andley_ is a thing.” Ash and Andy both chuckled at that.

“Yeah I guess I did forget that...I just want everything to go back to normal...I wish this hadn’t happened...”

Ash didn’t say anything at first to that. When he did speak he cleared his throat and started hesitantly. “So are you saying you’ve been thinking about getting an--”

A knock on the door startled them both cutting Ashley off. “Uh, Mr--Ms. Biersack, the doctor is ready for you now, are you okay in there?”

“Yeah.” Andy stood up, flushing the toilet and quickly rinsed out his mouth before opening the door. A mousy haired woman in pink scrubs was standing there and her eyes widened obviously as she took in his appearance. Andy braced himself for the comments but all she did was smile and say. “If you and--” She peered back at Ash who was standing just behind him

“That’s Ash.”

“He’s the dad?”

“Yeah,” Andy replied.

“Well if you want he can come back or you can go alone.”

Andy quickly interjected not wanting to go alone. “Ash can come.”

They started towards the door leading to the exam rooms, when CC suddenly appeared at Andy’s elbow and began following them. Andy turned to look at him. “What are you doing?”

“Coming along I want to see the baby on the ultrasound.”

Ash took over saving Andy the trouble. “Hell no, you’re not coming with us.”

“But---”

“Go sit back down and we’ll bring you pictures or something, this isn’t some kind of sightseeing expedition of Andy’s crotch.” He tried to propel CC back towards where he had been sitting.

“Hey I wasn’t  planning on--”

Andy smiled at CC who was looking a little hurt. “Maybe next time you can come, but yeah this time, I’d feel more comfortable with less people.”

“Alright.” CC sounded a bit dejected but walked back to his seat, and settled next to Jake who was shaking his head at the whole exchange.

“I see a whole crew came with you today. You’ve got a lot of people who care about you huh?” The nurse said as Andy followed her into the office.

“Yeah.”

Andy was shown to a room by the nurse that was mostly bare except for a table in the middle with stirrups before he was left to change into a gown. He stripped off his clothes feeling awkward even with Ash closing his eyes and holding out the gown as a sort of screen while he undressed.

Once he was dressed in the gown, Andy climbed up situating his feet in the stirrups and Ash draped a sheet that was laying on a counter over him so he wasn’t basically flashing whoever walked in the door.

They didn’t have to wait long, a grey haired woman walked in wearing purple scrubs and a lab coat. The lab coat she laid aside before turning to them and saying briskly. “I’m Doctor Carter, and I assume you’re here for your first checkup?”

“Yes.” Andy answered.

“You’re lucky you got in, someone called the office about three days in a row practically begging for an appointment...something about you’re on tour and needed to get in ASAP, I just had a cancellation this morning and called him back.”

“Uh yeah that was probably Jake.” Andy frowned slightly, feeling guilty about complaining when Jake had sprung the fact he had an OB appt later that day on him...it hadn’t been intentional he had just managed to get one and was letting Andy know as soon as he had found out. That in turn made him feel more guilty thinking about how much trouble the others were going through for him.

“So you’re going on tour where? Iraq? Afghanistan? Please, tell me Fort Worth isn’t sending pregnant women out into war zones…”

“Uh, actually I’m not a soldier...I’m on tour with a band.”

Dr. Carter settled down on a stool and rolled closer. “Oh? Really...what’s the name?”

“Black Veil Brides.” He waited for the woman’s comment at that and wasn’t disappointed. She had been about to pull back the sheet covering him but now she looked up.

Her eyes were narrowed slightly. “That’s where I know your name from. My daughter has the posters on her walls, goes on and on about BVB this and BVB that for hours.”

Andy wasn’t sure whether she meant that in a good way or was in the group of parents who considered him a demon worshipping satanist.

“I know around here is as Bible thumping as they come, but I don’t really subscribe to all that.” Dr. Carter gave him a small smile as she pulled back the sheet and listened to his stomach. “God never said to hate anyone and people around here just don’t get that...your music has a good message even if the screaming hurts my ears at times.”

Ash laughed at that and the doc grinned back at him, smile lines crinkling at the corners of her eyes.

“My daughter would freak if she knew I’d seen you.” Andy must have looked worried at that because she quickly added. “I won’t tell her of course, privacy laws prevent that...still she would probably shatter glass with screaming in excitement.”

Andy was really beginning to like the doctor, she had an easy no nonsense way about her that set him at ease. And after how he had been treated over the past few weeks when people found out he was pregnant, it was a refreshing change. He wanted to give her something back. “I could autograph something for her and you could just say you met me at a store or something.”

“Really?”

“Sure why not.”

“I might just take you up on that.” She straightened up abruptly going a little more serious as she lifted up the hem of his gown and examined his stomach running her cool hands across the skin as she gently pushed on it. “So tell me about you...what’s going on, what happened..”

So Andy told her it all, about how he had something wrong with him and was supposed to be sterile, accidentally getting pregnant, his ER visit a while ago, feeling nauseated and tired constantly. By the end of it her face was frowned up in sympathy.

“Well sweetheart, if you’re allergic to zofran we can try Reglan, it might help.”

“Will that be okay for the baby?”

“It’s not necessarily the best drug for a pregnant person. It’s a class B drug which means if we don’t have to use it we don’t.”

Andy thought about that, he wasn’t sure he wanted the kid, and yet he didn’t want to harm it. “I’ll be fine...I’ll tough it out for now.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah I don’t want to do anything that might hurt the baby.”

“Okay--as for the rest of that it’s par for the course for pregnancy. You puke, you’re tired, you eat weird stuff, etc etc.”

“You mean he’s going to continue drinking peanut butter mixed with chocolate milk?”

Andy turned to half glare at Ash. “It’s one of the few things that stays down most of the time and you promised you wouldn’t tell anyone about that and it was just once...or so.”

“More like at least ten times I caught you mixing that shit together. And besides I’m only telling the doctor, she won’t tell anyone.”

Andy huffed but turned back to look at the doctor. She was watching Andy and Ash with an amused expression.

Ash continued. “I don’t know how you can stand this Andy...I could never deal with being pregnant...all the crotch fruit bearers of the world have my respect.”

Andy nearly choked with laughter at that and the doctor started flat out chuckling. “Is he always like this?”

Andy gave an affectionate glance at Ash then turned back to the doctor. “Worse.”

The rest of the exam passed in similar fashion, and by the end of it when they were getting towards the ultrasound Ash had moved forward so he was sitting by the side of Andy’s bed. Andy shifted awkwardly as the doc pulled the gown covering his legs up and he felt her start sliding the ultrasound probe into his vagina.

“Oh,” Andy winced at the cold slick feeling and Ash immediately looked at him with concern.

“Did it hurt?”

Andy shook his head. “Just really cold and uncomfortable.”  Ash abruptly reached out slipping his hand into Andy’s. Andy was startled by the gesture but didn’t let go.

“It’ll be over really quickly…” He looked towards the doctor who was hidden by Andy’s legs. “Right?”

She answered without looking up. “Yep, you’re eight weeks or so along so we might be able to find a heartbeat, but then again we might not.”

Moments passed and Andy felt Ash’s fingers tighten around his own as they waited. The abruptly the doctor said. “We have a winner.”

Dr. Carter looked up grinning and twisted the screen with the ultrasound picture over so Andy and Ash could see. Andy saw a blob of grayish white surrounded by some black and then more white. With a little imagination he could see the shape of a baby.

Excitedly he glanced at Ash and was surprised to see the other man smiling back. Andy felt the probe shift a little more inside of him and then a sound like a fast thrum could be heard.

“And that’s the heartbeat.”

“Shit.” Ash said softly. He leaned closer to the screen like he was mesmerized. “Is it a girl or a boy? Can you tell?”

“Not yet...it’s still too early. Are you hoping for one in particular?”

Andy held his breath wondering would Ash clam up and say something about how he didn't want either one. Instead Ash said. “No, either a boy or a girl is fine with me.” Ash turned to look at him. “Andy, do you care?”

“No.” He smiled, feeling his eyes burn but this time it was happy tears. After the whole situation in the waiting room and Ash’s behavior over the past few weeks to hear the excitement in  Ash’s voice at the prospect of their child had Andy relaxing

They watched the heartbeat for a moment longer then the doctor was printing out photos of the ultrasound and Andy was free to get dressed.

When they were finished they exited to the lobby where CC and Jake (at a much more reasonable pace) almost immediately bombarded them. He could still feel Ashley’s hand in his, making him smile.

“I wanna see the pictures now! You know what it’s going to be yet?” CC’s excited questions came out nearly in one breath, which amazed Andy that he could even understand them clearly.

“Here’s the ultrasound pictures. See that little greyish blob? That’s the baby. And no we don’t know the gender yet. It’s too early to tell still.”

“Well that sucks. Hey, what’s that black circle part back here?” CC pointed to a spot.

“I think that’s the beginnings of the brain or something,” Ash replied as he tilted his head to look at the picture better.

“Wow, it kinda reminds me of a bean.” Andy snorted at CC’s comment.

“Yeah it does, kinda huh? It’s so small but we could hear the heartbeat already.” Ash was all ready to continue on excitedly but Jake interrupted.

“We’re kind of blocking the way. We should go ahead and head out. Do we need to stop anywhere? Walmart maybe, I had something I wanted to look at?” Jake asked looking around them. The lobby was still crowded and they were still getting stares.

  
“Yeah I want to get a few things.” Andy stole a glance to Ash before letting himself smile again. _Maybe things would be okay?_

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Walmart had proven to also be crowded, which had spurred anxieties and mixed emotions. Namely irritation and the feeling of being crowded or surrounded. At some point, Andy had parted with Ashley who muttered that there was something he needed to get and abruptly disappeared. With it being crowded, Andy hadn’t really paid attention. CC and Jake had drifted towards the electronics section as soon as they had walked through the large doors. Andy had a feeling Jake wanted to check out the new Call of Duty game.

Somehow Andy had found himself in the baby section looking around. He hadn’t intended to go there, but seeing the tiny clothes and after the excitement of the appointment, it felt real that he was having a baby and not like a bad dream. Plus, the thought of an abortion had never been farther from his mind as Ash’s reaction to the Ultrasound confirmed for him that he wanted the baby too. There weren’t too many women there, but he could feel all of their stares on his back as he tried to browse. After a few minutes he spotted a Batman onesie. Eyes widening he walked over there and looked at them. Grabbing one, Andy fingered the fabric, smiling a little as he imagined the baby girl or boy growing inside of him dressed in the outfit. Impulsively he tucked the onesie in his hand basket and drifted towards another section of baby clothes.

Eventually he found himself looking at a blue stuffed octopus looking back at him with a smile wearing a dark blue bowtie. Andy fingered one of the squishy legs of the octopus. Unable to resist, Andy grabbed that as well, putting it in his basket.

By the time Jake and CC had found him, he’d had his basket filled with various baby items. His eyes lit up and he walked over to them. He saw their eyes drift towards his basket then widen comically.

“Jeez did you buy the store out?” Jake snickered as Andy rolled his eyes.

“No, but I did find this.” Andy bent over the basket and searched through the items before pulling up the onesie. “It’s Batman!”

“Dude, I should have known you’d pick Batman,” CC said as he grabbed the onesie to look at it. Jake gave a look around as if looking for someone.

“Have you seen Ashley, Andy?” When Andy shook his head no, Jake frowned in thought. CC meanwhile had started looking through all of the things in Andy’s basket.

“No, have you? Because I want to show him this onesie. I wonder if there’s a Hello Kitty one for him.” Jake snorted at Andy’s comment but didn’t respond to that, opting instead to discuss Ashley’s whereabouts. After a moment's discussion, Jake pulled out his cellphone and tried to call Ash but it went to voicemail.

“I haven’t seen him since we came in. I guess we’ll go purchase this stuff then and put it in the vehicle before looking for Ash.” Andy nodded as he watched Jake nudge CC, then they were off to the registers.

When they got to the SUV, they all stopped as they watched Ashley who was leaning against the side of the vehicle holding a bottle of what looked to be whiskey. Andy felt his heart drop as Ashley raised the bottle to his lips and took a swallow. He hadn’t noticed them yet, and Andy couldn’t tell if he was glad or sad about that.

“There you are. I got a few things, want to see?” Andy paused as Ash turned towards them with slightly glassy eyes.

“Oh yeah...what?” Andy could feel the prick of the start of tears at the disinterest in his voice, but tried to sound  excited and happy as he brought over a bag, hoping Ash would shake off what was bothering him.

“I got a Batman onesie for the baby and a few more clothes. Next time we’re in a store, I’m going to look for a Hello Kitty one for you...and …” Andy trailed off as Ash stared at him, somewhat blankly before taking another swig from his bottle which was already half empty.

“Hey why don’t you go sit in the car, Andy so you can rest.” Andy looked at Jake but nodded. He clutched the plastic bag and went around to the other side of the car and got in the backseat. As he sat there, he went through the bag examining the sets of clothes he’d bought, trying to take his mind off Ash. A hand went to his lower stomach as he unintentionally listened to what was going on.

Jake wasted no time into laying Ash. “What the hell is this? We were looking for you and we find you out here getting wasted?”

“Look you don’t understand.”

CC responded this time. “We understand that you’re being as asshole again. Andy was happy, everything was going well and now you’re fucking it up again.”

Ash’s words were somewhat slurred as he said defensively. “I needed--I just needed to get away for a while okay? You guys don’t understand what this is like--what this is doing to me. I--”

Jake’s voice was venomous. “What this is doing to you? Fuck you Ashley! How about what this is doing to Andy? How about how him seeing you drunk and messed up every time he needs you and what that’s doing to him?”

Andy was surprised to hear Ash break down and he sounded like he was holding back tears. “The baby, Andy being pregnant, finding out about him...my parents--it’s just all happening at once.”

Andy felt a jolt at that as he got the connection between Ash’s parents and the others. Jake and CC didn’t know so Jake rounded on Ash again. “Your parents? Seriously you’re going to blame some fucking childhood trauma of your parents dying on how you’re acting now? You make me sick.”

CC joined in. “Give me that bottle Ash and get in the car.”

Ash must have resisted because Andy heard a small scuffle and was putting his hand on the door to open it and go out and mediate when Jake said. “Fine, drink yourself to death, but wipe those fucking tears off your face before you upset Andy more than you already have. Nobody’s feeling sorry for you.”

Before Andy could figure out what to do the car doors were opening. CC slid into the front seat while Jake got back into the driver’s seat. Beside him, Ash slid into the car, still gripping the bottle tightly. Andy tentatively reached out to touch Ash’s free hand, but flinched when Ash jerked it away. He could see the tear tracks on his face, and Andy more than ever wished he could comfort the bassist.

When they reached the tour bus, Jinxx greeted them with a raised eyebrow, until he saw Jake and CC’s sour looks. Andy watched as his expression morphed into a stern look. Glancing at Ash, Andy watched as Ash pushed passed Jinxx wordlessly.

“What happened?”

“Ashley’s drinking again.” Jake gave CC a glance in agreement before looking back at Jinxx.

“Again? Did the appointment go that badly?” Jinxx looked at Andy who froze, feeling like he was being dragged into the middle.

“It went fine actually. We got to see the baby today.” Andy pulled out the sheet of pictures and handed them to Jinxx to look at. “Then we went to walmart and I found some baby things.”

“Oh hey the baby looks like a little blob or something.” Andy half-smiled as Jinxx handed the pictures back. “What happened with Ashley?”

“Yeah…” Andy glanced down the grin slipping off his face and  his heart sinking again. “Ash is...Ash is just having a difficult time right now.”

CC raised an eyebrow and snorted. “A difficult time about what? he's not the one who's pregnant and on tour and just told everyone he's got a woman's junk and is waiting for the fallout from that, or has a guy who’s their baby’s father who drinks every five minutes or--”

“We get the picture CC.” Jake cut him of running a hand through his hair. “Ashley’s only issue is that he’s drinking and that’s his problem. Stop making excuses for him. We’ve told him before but he’s getting worse not better.”

Andy looked between all of the guys, confusion settling in. He wanted to defend Ash, but at the same time, they did have a point about Ash’s drinking. Awkwardly, Andy dropped out of the conversation by pushing past Jinxx wordlessly, feeling their eyes on his back watching.

Setting the stuff down in his bunk, Andy made his way towards the lounge area to see if Ash was back there. Seeing Ash with the bottle nearly empty in his hand and tear tracks on his face, Andy sat down next to him. Gingerly Andy took the bottle and set it on the floor away from Ash. He was surprised when Ash let him take the bottle wordlessly.

Ash sucked in a few shuddering breaths then said in a broken voice. “I’m sorry--I’m so sorry.” He started to say something With his heart clenching, Andy pulled Ash into his lap and let the older man take at least some comfort from him.

“Hey, it’ll be okay. Just go to sleep, I’ll still be here.” Andy smiled lightly and ran his fingers through Ashley’s hair, but Ash was too upset to take comfort in his gesture. Instead the other man pulled away after a few moments, curling in on himself as he continued to cry.

Ash was whispering in between sobs. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this--it’s not fair to you--and I’m sorry but--I can’t.”

Andy felt his heart clench again as he watched Ash cry himself to sleep. The others came in the lounge and Andy saw them glance at Ash with disgust before trying to get Andy to go to bed. After he refused they reluctantly left and Andy was left alone with Ash. He grabbed a blanket and curled up against the other man, offering him the comfort in sleep that he wouldn’t accept while awake.

 _I can’t do this…._ Ash’s words were ringing in his ears, and Andy could tell Ash wanted or at least accepted the fact they were having a child. But it was obvious now it was tearing him apart too, The pregnancy was causing Ash to slowly destroy himself and Andy didn’t know if he could stand being responsible for that.

Andy wrapped his arms around Ash spooned up next to him, tears dripped down his cheeks silently as he held Ash with one arm and with the other hand felt the slight mound of his stomach.

It was a choice, Ash or the baby….and Andy wasn’t sure that was even a choice.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Andy was jerked awake as he felt someone moving against him.  As he woke up more, he opened his eyes and realised it was Ash. Ash was whimpering and moving like he was trying to get away from something.

“Mom...wake up…” With those words, Andy knew exactly what Ash was having a nightmare about and got off the couch to kneel in front of Ashley.

“Hey..Ash..wake up.” Ash kept thrashing about, muttering over and over about his mom becoming increasingly distressed.

Ash wasn’t waking up, in fact he was growing louder. “Mom, please--Please!” He had started to cry in his sleep and Andy reached out trying to shake him awake only to be rewarded by Ash opening his eyes and staring straight through as he screamed. “Mom!”

Andy jerked back, as Ash began sobbing half awake and half asleep. Carefully Andy edged back on the couch resting Ash’s head in his lap and whispering soothingly as he brushed his fingers through his hair.

“What’s going on? You okay Andy?”

Andy looked up to see a bleary eyed CC standing in the doorway.

“Yeah...Ash had a nightmare.”

CC frowned at that giving Ash a look that said he didn’t give a fuck. “Well, maybe next time he shouldn’t drink all that shit.” He glanced back at Andy. “Why don’t you go to bed? Let him sleep it off by himself.”

Andy shook his head, and after CC trying to persuade him for a few more moments he reluctantly trailed away. Andy turned his attention back to Ash who was whimpering, and settled back against him wrapping his arms around him.

He hadn’t been sure about getting an abortion and after the appointment today had been hopeful about keeping the baby. But now he knew what he had to do. The guys thought he was a burden, the pregnancy itself was no walk in the park ...but Ash was worse. It was destroying Ash.

Andy brushed the smooth skin of his stomach again, and held Ash tighter. He was doing this for them...he was doing it for him.

That thought didn’t stop the tears from falling.


	5. Chapter 5

Keeping the fact that he was going to go through with the abortion from everyone except Ash had been difficult over the last three days. It was something he had to do, for Ash, for them. He tried not to think about it too much, but it had proven difficult the day of.

Ash and him were headed over to the local clinic that performed abortions. For once Ash was completely sober and thus driving them there. They had both lied to the guys about where they were going, which had been hard to do. Andy hadn’t wanted to lie to them, but he knew he would have been talked out of his decision and ultimately everything blamed on Ashley. He didn’t want that. Neither had been able to sneak out of the bus, as Jinxx and Jake were both up early.

When asked, Andy had simply said, “We’re going for blood work and follow-up tests at a local clinic.” Thankfully the lie had been taken and they were free to go.

As the building came into view, Andy could feel dread in the pit of his stomach at what he was about to do, but he couldn’t chicken out of this. He had to do it. He had to.

Ash pulled into the lot and parked as close to the door as he could before turning the car off. They sat there in the car in silence for a few moments before Ash spoke up.

“You sure you’re okay with this?” Andy could feel himself tearing up, but nodded anyways to Ash’s question.

“Yeah. I just want to get this over with.” Beside him, Ash nodded, looking at him with concern before dropping the subject. Andy unbuckled himself and got out of the car with Ash following suit. He could do this. He _would_ do this.

The building was surprisingly empty, save for two people there in the waiting area. Andy glanced at them before walking up to the counter and greeting the receptionist.

“Hi, how can I help you?” Andy glanced around and leaned in, feeling guilty so his voice was barely above a whisper.

“I’m here for an abortion.” The lady kept her face neutral as she opened a cabinet and grabbed a set of papers and handed them to him.

“Alright just fill these out and then hand them back to me to check them over and I’ll take you back.” Andy took the papers wordlessly and and headed over to where Ashley was sitting nearby.

Once he was sat down, Andy looked around the room. The only two people that were there as well were a girl that looked to be no older than 16 and what was probably the girl’s mother. The girl’s eyes were red and puffy and she had tissues in her hand. The mom however was looking quite displeased and otherwise unaffected. Andy swallowed thickly and looked down at his paperwork, grabbing the pen and setting to work.

After he’d filled out the paperwork, Andy stood up and headed back over to the counter. He handed the papers to the lady and waited for her to look them over. She stood up, apparently satisfied and motioned for him to follow her into the back. Andy glanced back to Ash before going behind the door, seeing an unreadable expression on his face.

Ash visibly swallowed and then asked. “Do you want me to go back with you?”

Andy hesitated...he didn’t want to be alone. But if Ash came along he couldn’t help but feel the other man would somehow feel responsible for what was about to happen. So Andy shook his head. “No.”

He tried not to let his legs tremble as he turned around and followed her back.

He had to meet with a doctor, and sign more papers and a whole bunch of others stuff. By the time they took him back to the room where they were going to perform the procedure Andy felt like a mess. His stomach was in knots and he felt dizzy.

Vaguely he remembered he hadn’t eaten that morning and that was bad for the baby, and then he remembered in a few minutes there would be no baby.

Before he knew what was happening he was crying. The nurse with him was silent as she made him get on a cold metal table with his legs propped in the air. The doctor came in and Andy started openly sobbing as he watched the unsmiling man pull on exam gloves.

This couldn’t be happening and yet it was.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

As Ash watched Andy follow the receptionist into the back, he couldn’t help but feel as if what they were doing was wrong. Ashley reached into his jacket pocket pulling out the two items he had brought with him unbeknownst to Andy. He tried to tell himself that this was for the better, but as he stared into the objects in his hands, he knew it would be a long time if ever before things were right again.

He fingered the fabric of the onesie, his thumb ghosting over the embroidery of the Batman logo. Ash remembered the look of excitement on Andy’s face when he first started to show it to him and let himself smile, albeit sadly. Would it really have been so horrible to have a family of his own?

Before he realized what he was doing, he brought the fabric up to his face and started crying. He messed everything up so bad, possibly done irreversible damage this time. Andy had always been great around children. It wasn’t so hard to believe that Andy would have been a great parent.

Ash could almost picture Andy holding their baby with a beaming smile on his face as he cooed at the child. His heart broke at the thought. They wouldn’t get to experience their child’s first steps, first words...nothing. He brought out the round figure of the blue octopus plushie and stared at it through tear-filled eyes. Their child would never get to play games, make pillow forts..never celebrate a holiday.

He’d never get to hold the child for the first time and fall in love with him or her as he stared at the newborn’s face. Or see Andy’s beaming face right after a grueling labor. The guys would never get to meet him or her or shower the kid with gifts and love. There were so many things he was going to miss out on that he never realized he wanted. Until now of course that it was no longer a possibility.

It felt like an agonizing eternity but in actuality it was only 45 minutes before Andy came back. By then Ashley had slipped the items back into his pockets.

Andy’s face was exhausted, his eyes puffy and swollen and he looked ghost white. He was crying still too Ashley realized. “I’m sorry Ash--I just...I couldn't.”

Ashley's heart sank as he got confirmation Andy had gone through with it. He hadn't realised until then just how much he was hoping it was all just a bad dream.

His stomach lurched as Andy continued sobbing. “I'm a terrible person and I'm selfish and I thought I could handle this but I can't, and you can hate me.” Andy collapsed to the floor in front of Ashley and buried his face into Ash’s legs. With a silent sob Ashley ran his fingers through Andy’s hair, holding Andy’s head close to him.

"It's okay. You had to, and I’m not gonna hate you for it." Tears ran down his face as he continued to run his hands through Andy’s hair, trying desperately to pretend he was okay with it, if for Andy’s sake.

“I was--I was on the table, and they..they brought out a long tube and...I couldn’t...I panicked and told them to stop. I couldn’t do it, all I could think of was them sucking out this little life inside of me... I want to have the baby, Ash. I want to watch him or her grow.” Andy looked up at Ash with a splotchy tear streaked face. “Before they would let me see the doctor even they showed me these pictures of b-babies after they you know...I couldn’t--I just couldn’t even before I couldn’t....It made me sick..” Andy was sobbing hard clinging tightly to Ashley’s jeans.

“Wait you didn’t--” The words were just fully registering for Ash. “You mean the baby--you’re still pregnant.” Ash said this all a little more loudly than he intended.

Andy cringed and then said softly. “Please don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad--” Ash felt like he had just won the lottery. “I am so not fucking mad.”

Before he had fully realised what he was doing he pulled Andy up from where he was kneeling standing up himself and picked Andy up hugging him tightly. “I love you so much right now.” Andy smiled tearfully and the sight of his face smiling for the first real time in what felt like weeks made Ash’s heart feel like it was going to explode. He leaned forward not even consciously deciding it, and then his lips were on Andy’s. They kissed for a long moment, Andy wrapping his legs around Ash and Ash’s hands gripping him tightly.

As he pulled away, Ash set Andy down and caressed the side of his face, staring into his blue eyes. He leaned in and placed another kiss on Andy’s lips. After a moment, Ashley licked Andy’s bottom lip begging for entrance. When Andy accepted, Ash kissed him, deepening it so their tongues tangled.

Ashley was getting hard he reached out and cupped Andy’s ass in one hand and gave a low moan as Andy moved against him, grinding his crotch against Ash’s hip. Ash had totally forgotten where they were and why what they were doing wasn’t exactly the best of ideas until the noise of someone loudly clearing their throat stopped him.

“Ahem.” Ash reluctantly pulled away the second time whoever it was did that to find the nurse or whatever she was that had checked in Andy was standing a foot away glaring at them both.

She wasted no time in chastising them. “This is public property, and you two standing her trying to make a baby is unacceptable.” Andy, Ash noted was blushing at that comment but the woman wasn’t done. “You think you’d show some restraint, after all you already have one baby coming that you don’t want!”

Ash became unglued at that and turned towards the lady fully with a glare. “Wanna talk about restraint? What was with all the fucking pictures you showed him, like this is the rocky mountain horror show? _That is_ some fucked up shit. People come in here for help and you torture them?!? And I’ll have you know the baby IS wanted! You people disgust me. C’mon Andy let’s go get  something eat.” Andy nodded wordlessly and slipped his hand into Ash’s. Without another look to the lady behind them, Ashley led Andy out of the building and back to the vehicle.

When they got in the car, Ash sat there for a moment before pulling the two items out of his pockets. From the corner of his eye he saw Andy’s eyes widen in recognition right before he spoke up.

“I found these this morning and brought them with me. I’m kinda glad I did. I was looking at that Batman onesie and I realized just how much I would miss if you had gone through with the abortion. I realized that...that having a family with you wouldn’t be such a bad idea afterall. The kid’s going to be spoiled.” Ash smiled as he passed them over to Andy, who clutched them tightly.

“Yeah. You’re going to be a great dad.”

Ash looked over at Andy, not quite sure he believed him...or even if Andy believed it himself. “I don’t know about that , I mean--”

Andy cut him off. “I _know_ you’re going to be a great father. I know. So, you don’t have to believe it just yet.”

Ash didn’t know quite what to say at that but he Andy’s words had him determined to live up to him. He smiled at Andy and started the car.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

They stopped at a pizza place and rather than getting it to go they actually went inside and sat down. Andy felt more relaxed than he had in weeks and was able to eat and not feel sick. Ash likewise seemed relieved like some heavy weight was off him. There were still some tense moments when some family at another table stared at them, and when their waiter offered a discounted selection of beer. But Ash had declined the suggestion after only a moment’s hesitation and the staring family left shortly after Andy and Ash arrived.

Neither of them felt like going back to the tour bus after eating, so they caught a matinee showing one of the newest superhero movies. And Andy used the opportunity to snuggle up to Ash in the cool air conditioned theatre, which earned a few side eyes from the staff there. After that they went for ice cream.

Now, they were standing at the counter in a Dairy Queen, trying to decide what to get. Or at least Andy was...Ash had long ago settled on a Butterfinger Blizzard, but they were ten minutes into Andy going back and forth.

  
Andy usually knew what he wanted but ever since he had got pregnant things didn’t taste right and what had once been his favourite foods were barely palatable in terms of flavour. He could tell Ash was slightly impatient, even though he was standing there relaxed with his hands in his pockets.

“I can’t decide.”

Ash shrugged. “It’s okay, how about that strawberry cheesecake thing? That looks good.”

Andy thought about it, but berries didn’t seem to agree with him nowadays. “I don’t know…” He was starting to feel a little worried because they had to go back to the others and tell them the truth...and he still remembered hearing he was a burden. Maybe--probably the other guys wouldn’t be so happy he hadn’t gone through with the abortion. An idea came to him. “We should get some for the other guys, and I’ll just order after that.”

Andy saw Ashley raise an eyebrow. “We’re getting ice cream for everyone?”

“Yeah, I just….we’re going to have to tell them about the baby still being around, and I was going for an abortion and---I just don’t know how they’ll take I’m still pregnant.”

“They’ll be happy?!” Ash sounded incredulous.

“Okay, I mean maybe…”

“They will, and we’ll get them ice cream, no one can be pissed when they’re eating a blizzard.” Andy grinned at that and Ash smiled too.

It was clear to tell Ashley wasn’t particularly happy about getting anything for their three bandmates, and even though Andy suspected he knew they were just trying to help it was obvious he was still a little angry about the multiple confrontations and arguments they had over the past few weeks.

So they wound up ordering Dairy Queen for everyone. An M&M blizzard for CC, Cookie dough for Jake and Strawberry Cheesecake for Jinxx.

Andy finally settled on a Strawberry Cheesecake with peanut butter one for himself but when they got back to the car he didn’t eat it. He was too worried.

By the time they got back to the tour bus, it was early evening, considering they had left i n the  morning to go to the clinic the guys were more than likely concerned. Andy opened the door and stopped, Ashley nearly crashing into him with the Blizzards. There in front of him was a very stern looking Jinxx who had obviously started to worry.  
  
“Wha-- why’d you stop?” Andy mumbled an apology to Ashley and moved out of the way so Ash could come in.

“So does it take all day to take Andy to get bloodwork Ash?” Andy and Ash both froze. He could feel himself panic, and Andy wondered if they had somehow caught on to what they had originally left for. Ashley looked over at Andy who gave him a look of a deer in the headlights.

“We uh brought Blizzards for everyone.” Ash held up the tray of Blizzards to show Jinxx.

“I’m surprised you didn’t bring booze for everyone instead.” CC muttered. Andy saw Ashley flinch from the corner of his eye and glared at CC.

“I think that was uncalled for.” CC gave Andy an apologetic look but glanced at Ashley as if to say ‘he still deserved it.’

“So besides Dairy Queen, where were you two?” Andy looked back at Jinxx and started to panic. It was obvious from both his and Ashley’s face that they were upset and probably even that they were hiding something. How were they going to explain what had happened?

“We were out.”

Jinxx glared at Ash, “That's not what I asked. Neither of you were answering our calls. It's been hours.”

Andy hadn't realised anyone had tried to call, his phone battery had died, and in the up and downs of the day he hadn't thought to call the guys. “I'm sorry my phone was out and---”

Jinxx waved his apology away focused on Ash. “You're ok. But tell me Ash your phone was out to. You could have at least checked in and told us you decided to go gallivanting off somewhere”

Ash stared at him for a moment like he was going to lie and say his phone died but instead said defiantly. “I didn't feel like talking to you guys and I don't have to check in with you. I'm a fucking adult and Andy is too.”

“ Andy's also pregnant.”

“So?”

“That answer is exactly why we were concerned today.”

Ash took a step forward at that and Jinxx didn't back down. The whole confrontation was making andy feel more nervous. “Guys--”

They ignored him. Ashley's voice was like acid as he said back. “So you're saying Andy's not safe with me?”

Jinxx didn't answer that. He asked a question of his own. “Where the hell were you both for eight goddamn hours?”

Jinxx suspected something Andy could tell. Before Ash could answer, Jake intervened.

“Wait,” Andy saw Jake glance between him and Ashley before saying, “Before you tell us whatever it is, let’s go inside before some paparazzi wannabe sells the conversation to TMZ.”

Andy nodded at that grateful for the reprieve. He followed Ash into the tourbus and moments later they were all settled in the dining room/kitchen area. Andy sat down next to Ash and took his ice cream he ate a few bites then began playing with the spoon.

“We--I-- lied to you guys this morning.”

Jake frowned, and Jinxx raised an eyebrow. “Okay.”

“I--didn’t go for bloodwork, I went for an abortion.”

There was the sound of a cup being dropped on the floor and Andy turned to find CC’s blizzard spilled on the ground. His mouth was wide open and Andy could see M&M’s on his tongue. “Fuck.”

“And this piece of shit took you?” Andy winced at Jinxx’s comment, the guitarist hardly ever swore unless he was seriously angry.

“I’m guessing he talked you into how much better it would be too?” Andy was confused by their anger, but rushed to defend Ash.

“Stop acting like you all didn’t want me to get rid of the baby too!”

CC, Jake and Jinxx looked like they had been slapped in the face. “What?” Jake asked.

Andy felt tears prick his eyes and his face was hot partly from anger and partly from hurt. “I heard you talking about me, how I was _affecting the crew_ , _being a burden, acting like an asshole, I was selfish_ , Don’t tell me Ash was the only one who wanted me to get an abortion like I’m an idiot!”

There was silence at that then Jinxx started up, first he looked at Ashley with the nastiest glare Andy had ever seen him give another person. When he turned back to Andy his face softened. “We were not talking about you--”

“But--”

“Listen to me, you overheard us wrong. We were totally fine with this and prepared to support you through it all…”

Andy paused as Jinxx’s words sank in and he could tell he was telling the truth as the guys all around nodded.

Jinxx continued, turning back to Ash, and his voice was practically dripping in anger. “It’s this god damn mother fucker we were talking about.”

“I can’t believe you lied to us this fucking morning and took him by himself to get a fucking abortion like a goddamn coward. The reason you didn’t tell us is because you knew you were wrong!” Andy tried to stop Jake and tell them it had been his idea not to tell them but the guys weren’t listening.

And Ash was sitting there with a slowly darkening expression. CC walked over and joined in. He looked like someone had run over a puppy. “You talked Andy into an abortion, why? If you didn’t want a kid then just say so don’t--”

“Quit acting like a goddamn child CC, if _you_ want a kid why don’t you have one of your own--oh I forgot you can’t because you have this thing about sex or whatever--”

“I don’t--”

“Hell yes you do, you forgot our bunks are right next to each other and--”

“Shut the fuck up and leave him alone, you drunk asshole” Jinxx said.

“I'm not drunk. I haven't even drank at all today.”

Jinxx gave a fake laugh. “Yeah right. Like I believe that.”

“I’m not listening to anything you say, you act like you’re some kind of fucking saint. You’ve been divorced twice, sent dick pics to tons of women, cheated with a whole bunch of people, probably overcompensating because all the shit the docs have you on you can’t get it up.”

Andy tried to jump in again as he saw Jinxx’s face fall at Ash’s comment. “Guys, stop--” He was once again ignored.

“I swear if you say one more word you piece of shit, I’ll--!” Jake practically yelled the words. Ash yelled right back.

“You’ll what,” He stepped forward inches away from Jake, just separated by a table. “You’ll fucking hit me? I’m not scared of you.”

“Get off this goddamn bus Ashley.”

“Fucking asshole.”

“You don’t get to tell me how to live my life when you fucked up yours...mutiple times. Go on hit me!”

“You know what maybe it’s good Andy had an abortion if that kid was going to have a terrible  drunk asshole for a father like you!” Jake said.

Andy didn’t even see the Ash throw the punch. All he saw was Jake stumble back a step, and then promptly launch himself at Ashley.

Andy’s breath was rapid and shallow as he watched what was happening. The band was tearing itself apart before his eyes.

 _This can’t be happening._ Andy felt tears starting to fall as frustration and panic set in. Ashley and Jake looked like they were doing there best to injure each other. Andy stood up trying to put an end to the fight. “STOP THIS! STOP! Please..” He was ignored. CC and Jinxx were yelling at the two to stop fighting, and after being ignored also had resorted to attempting to pull the two apart.

Someone’s fist went flying into Jinxx’s face and then it all went downhill for there as things degenerated into a free for all. Andy’s stomach was already in knots by the earlier argument but watching the fight had it lurching. The ice cream was threatening to come up but there was no way he could get past the melee to the bathroom and secondly he needed to stop the fight before someone seriously got hurt.

“STOP!” Andy yelled out so loud he was sure half the state heard. As it was the guys either were yelling and cursing at each other too much to hear or just as likely they ignored him.

Fists were flying, bodies were being slammed into surfaces, in retrospect it wasn’t the best idea but he waded into the chaos trying to physically pull them apart. After a few seconds it was clear that his efforts were having no effect. Jake and Ashley were practically locked together, pummeling each other, CC and Jinxx were in the fray trying to pull them apart and getting injured in the process as neither party took kindly to the attempts to make them stop.

Jinxx turned to look at him for a half second. “Andy, get out of the way!” Then he was being shoved backwards, Andy lost his balance and twisted hitting his head on the side of a table as he fell. He landed on his stomach and had all the air knocked from him.

His vision dimmed for a moment, and he couldn’t catch his breath. As everything finally registered his nausea peaked and he found himself throwing up. He didn’t even have time to get away and wound up half lying in the mess.

The screaming behind him dimmed and then abruptly stopped as everyone realised what happened. Andy laid there trying to catch his breath and felt hands reaching for him.

“Shit.”

“Andy are you okay?”

Andy turned his head to find Jinxx and Ash’s worried faces looming over him and then abruptly he burst into tears as it registered he had fell on his stomach. Ash & Jinxx were trying to pull him into a sitting position and Andy resisted them pulling away.

“Get away from me! Don’t fucking touch me!” Andy scooted away from them and continued sobbing. His head hurt, and he could feel a trickle of what probably was blood running down his temple, his stomach ached and he was miserable. “It wasn’t even Ash’s idea to get the fucking abortion, okay?! It was mine! I made the decision. NOT HIM! I didn’t even go through with it. I’m still fucking pregnant.”

There was even more silence after Andy’s bombshell. He was sobbing so hard he was gasping for air and every time someone tried to even touch him, he would flinch out of their touch. It was a good few minutes before Andy had eased up on his gasping sobs, and no one had spoken yet.

“You’re still pregnant?”

“Yeah he is you asshole. Which you would have known if you--” Ash started to say.

Jake started to say something back and Andy cut them both off, starting to cry again. “Just stop. Everyone fucking stop, I’m still pregnant and you guys want to fight with even listening enough to know that. I tried to get you to stop and you fucking knocked me on the floor!”

Jinxx looked guilty as he realised it was he who had pushed Andy out the way. “I’m sorry I was trying to keep you from getting hurt and didn’t realise--”

“You’re the one that pushed him?” Ashley looked murderous as he glared at Jinxx who was sporting a heavily bleeding split lip and bruises and cuts to his cheeks.

“I was trying get him out the way and pull you guys apart before you fucking killed each other.”

“You should have let me--” Jake mumbled while pinching his nose which was bleeding so much the the collar of his shirt was drenched and he had trails running down his chin.

“Fuck you--” Ashley started to say something else and Andy broke in not able to take anymore yelling or fighting.

“You shouldn’t have attacked Ash, and you guys had no idea what the hell was going on and have been ragging him for ages.” Ash started to look a little smug in between his pissed off expression and Andy quickly followed up. “And Ash you threw the fucking first punch that started this whole thing…” Andy glanced around at everyone. The entire band had injuries. CC was holding his arm weird and staring at his hand for some reason, his bandana was askew and he had a cut on his cheek. Ashley had a black eye and probably a cut in his mouth or something because Andy noticed his teeth were bloody and Jake and Jinxx were likewise injured;

Not to mention that Andy’s stomach ached bad and he couldn’t tell if it was from vomiting or the fall on the floor, and he had a headache.

It was all too much. His eyes burned and as much as he tried to stop it he began crying again. When he felt arms wrap around his shoulders, Andy didn’t pull away this time, instead he curled into the person crying into their shirt. He could smell the familiar scent of Ashley and clung to him tightly.

“Let it out. I’m right here.” Andy appreciated Ashley’s soothing words, as the other man rubbed his back and he tried to stop crying.

After a few moments the sound of footsteps could be heard and two of the guys from their crew poked their heads into the dining room.

“Hey, we heard some yelling and --” The comment petered out as the man took in the scene, his eyes widening as he looked between them all.

There was awkward silence then Ash said, quite calmly for the situation. “Can you get Andy a fresh shirt and a first aid kit?”

The first guy nodded and the second started to ask. “What--” only to be stopped by the glare on Ash’s face. Andy waited until they had both left then climbed out of Ash’s lap. He was calm enough walk over to the refrigerator and search for ice packs...of course in the small fridge room wasn’t being wasted on something as mundane as ice packs. So Andy grabbed the next best thing.

Jake looked up with a raised eyebrow as Andy sat a beer bottle in front of each of them, until he saw Andy raise his own bottle to the lump on his temple.

The other’s followed suit, all except CC who was cradling his left arm and staring at his hand for some reason. Andy frowned, about to ask CC what was wrong, but the crew member they had sent for the first aid kit and shirt came back and wordlessly set the items on the table, before backing out the room looking at all of them awkwardly.

Andy pulled on the fresh shirt and then opened the first aid kit since no one else was making a move or even talking. He opened a packet of antibiotic ointment and gauze and then abruptly stopped what he was doing and sat down at the table.

Anger still permeating the mood was palpable, the band was ripping each other apart and it was only for one reason...it really was his fault and he had to try to make it right. “Look at me.”

At first no one moved, so Andy raised his voice and everyone but CC turned in his direction. “You guys have got to stop this. Ever since you all found out I was pregnant it’s been one fight after another--”

“Andy--” Jake started to say. Andy cut him off not wanting to hear excuses or rationalizations or whatever Jake was about to say.

“I love this band, I love you guys, all four of you. And _I_ don’t want to be the reason that all the people and things I love are ripped apart and everyone hates each other. Do you understand that?”

Andy looked from Jinxx, Jake and Ashley (CC was still staring down) and saw half understanding half mutinous looks on their faces. Jinxx spoke this time, and Andy expected something reasonable to come out of his mouth and felt his heart sink as he glanced at Jake before saying. “We understand, and no one--or at least most of us-- aren’t trying to hurt anyone...but Ashley--”

“NOT one more fucking word about Ash!” Andy lost it at that, and sat up a little straighter as he yelled. “I know Ash drinks, I know Ash talked about me for weeks and treated me like shit, I know that! I also know he’s been with me at every appointment and he wants this baby as much as I do and he’ll be a great father. So all three of you need to stop talking shit about him.”

Ash looked smug as Andy finished and took the beer bottle down from his black eye and popped the cap taking a swallow. Jake and Jinxx looked at him with barely disguised anger but Andy nipped Ashley’s behavior in the bud.

He reached across snatching the bottle from Ashley. “You’re not going to drink so much and you’re going to stop trying to intentionally piss everyone off.”

“I’ll work on one of those two.” Ashley smirked making Andy want to slap him, but he was distracted by CC who had turned several shades lighter than his usual olive complexion and had just moaned.

“CC?” He didn’t automatically react so Andy reached across the table and grabbed his hand, trying to get his attention. CC screamed a blood curdling yell at that and Andy quickly let go.

Everyone turned to CC who had gone even paler and looked like he was about to pass out. “What’s wrong?” Jinxx asked.

“My arm--” CC was speaking through gritted teeth. “I think it’s out of socket.” He shifted ever so slightly so his hand was laid out and everyone could see his middle finger was turned sideways at almost a complete 90 degree angle. It made Andy feel nauseated just too look at it. “Pretty sure my finger is broken too...” CC trailed off, breathing heavily.

“How did that--” Jake started to say.

CC cut him off, his voice soft and pained. “Someone shoved me against a wall...I don’t know who...and then my hand got caught under me and someone fell on top.” Andy was pretty sure who the someone was because CC was way too nonspecific and he had half glanced at Ashley as he spoke. But it was obvious he was trying to keep the others from having even more reason to jump on Ashley.

“Okay, we’re all going to the hospital.” Andy stood up, looking for something to fashion into a makeshift sling.

15 minutes later they were all being seen in the ER of the nearest hospital. It was getting late at night so there wasn’t many people. The nurse had looked worried when they had all walked in and Andy realised they probably looked like a massacre. Jake’s nose was still bleeding, everyone was covered in bruises, Andy had dried blood on his temple and CC was leaning on him as he walked (looking a few seconds from passing out due to pain.)

The ER doctor had come in and interrogated Andy when he found Andy was pregnant. Andy had been hard pressed to convince him he was safe especially when he mentioned he had fell on his stomach and was worried about the baby. By the time Andy was released, most of the others were discharged too, Jake’s nose was packed with gauze to stop the bleeding, Jinxx had stitches in one cheek and Ashley who hadn’t checked in was fine. CC, was still in another room though.

Andy and the others started to walk in, only to be stopped by a harried looking nurse. “Is that your friend in there?”

Andy nodded. She grabbed his arm, “Can you see if you can get him to calm down a bit? He just got back from X-ray and we’re getting ready to reduce his arm, but he’s freaking out in there about God knows what.”

“Uh, okay.” Andy walked in with the others following behind to see CC hooked up to a bunch of wires, he had oxygen tubing in his nose and his eyes were half closed. The good news was he didn’t seem to be in pain anymore...but he also was high as hell.

“Hey CC?”

“Andy? Is that you? The aliens are trying to get me! Don’t let them take my butt away from me..”

“Uh what?” Andy glanced at a nurse who was messing with some monitor in the corner.

“He’s been like this, some people get really goofy on the meds.”

“Okay, uh…” Andy turned his attention back to CC trying to figure out how to best handle the situation. “We’re not going to let them take anything from you.”

CC didn’t respond because he was too busy singing some loud and totally nonsensical rap song that really didn’t rhyme and he had probably invented himself. Abruptly he stopped. “I’m feeling like I need ice, Ice on Mars...maybe Venus.” Andy heard the others start snickering behind him and had to keep from laughing himself.

CC meanwhile had taken his good arm and was pulling his Jeans down, before Andy could stop him he pulled his pants completely down, “I need some fucking ICE!”

Andy blushed as the nurse quickly walked over and covered CC up with a sheet. It was a few more minutes before the doctor came in and by that time Andy was seriously hoping CC never had to get again whatever meds they had given him. Embarrassing was an understatement.

When the doctor came and pulled his arm back into position, CC yelled once and that was that.

They waited for most of the drugs to wear off then discharged him and everyone went home. It had been an exhausting night and Andy drifted off to sleep in the back seat next to CC who was fast asleep drooling on his shoulder. Ashley and Jake were in the front seat and having a quiet conversation about something. Jinxx was sleeping on the other side of him with his head leaned against the window. But before he had fallen asleep he hadn’t seemed mad anymore...There was still some tension in the air, but at this point Andy would take what he could get.

At least everyone was talking to each other again though.

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

Andy sat there biting his fingernails as he stared into his morning coffee (which he wasn’t supposed to be drinking but it was decaf so Jinxx could shove his admonishments...though he wouldn’t tell Jinxx that to his face). Andy had his phone in his hand and was scrolling through the texts from his mother.  He knew he’d have to tell them eventually, but the prospect of it made him have near constant panic attacks. After all when you grew up in a religious community, telling your parents that you were pregnant and not married was never something pleasant to discuss.

With a sigh, Andy put his phone away and vowed to discuss it with Ashley later. He glanced at his phone checking the time, he noted how early it was and waited impatiently. After five minutes his need to talk with Ash won out over his decision to try to let him sleep. Getting up, Andy walked to the back of the bus where Ashley and CC bunked at. When he got to Ashley’s bunk, he pulled the curtains to the side gently and poked Ashley’s shoulder. At first Ashley didn’t stir, causing Andy to pout.

Instead of poking him again, Andy looked at Ashley’s peaceful face and smiled. He gently brushed away a lock of hair from Ashley’s face and then dragged his finger to Ashley’s lips. After tracing the outline, Andy sighed and poked Ashley’s shoulder again.

“Ash..Ash wake up.” Andy’s voice was barely a whisper. When Ashley still didn’t wake up, Andy got impatient, not to mention he was still a little tired even though he had slept the whole night. He climbed into the bunk carefully until he was laying down next to Ashley, who was on his side. It was a tight squeeze in the narrow bunk but Andy tucked up against Ash so his back was pressed against Ashley’s chest. Ashley, though still asleep, moved and shifted so that Andy could have a little room, before draping a hand over Andy’s waist and resting his hand on the little tiny bump of Andy’s growing stomach. Before he knew it he fell into another deep slumber.

He could feel a hand moving underneath his shirt, gently caressing his skin and stomach, and someone breathing on his neck, when Andy came to. Andy pried his eyes open and blinked. A groan came out of him as he struggled to wake up.

“Wha’ time’s it?”

“Probably around noon. You make a very nice body pillow.” Andy grinned and twisted around in the bunk so that he was facing Ashley.

“I’ll have to come invade your bunk more often then.” He kept his voice down low as he could hear CC’s soft snores coming from the other bunk.

“So to what do I owe this early morning...or I guess I should say late afternoon bunk invasion?” Ashley paused and then said laughingly. “Was it because you puked that chocolate milk, peanut shit all over yours?”

“Ash!” Andy twisted his head to look back at him and punched him lightly in the shoulder. “You said you wouldn’t make fun and you keep doing it.” Andy half frowned, more irritated than mad.

Ash laughed again, more soft this time so he didn’t wake CC. Then kissed Andy’s forehead. “I’m not making fun. I think you’re adorable.”

Andy snuggled closer to Ash at that and leaned into his touch, enjoying the hand gently massaging his stomach. Ashley’s voice was soft in his ear and sounded content as he said. “But really, what’s up?”

“I’ve been thinking about telling my parents about the baby.” Ashley was silent for a few moments behind him, causing Andy to worry he was going to protest or get angry at him.

“Okay..”

Andy bit his lip at Ashley’s reply and rushed to continue. “I mean if you don’t want to then we don’t have to, but I’d rather them find out from me than from tabloids, y’know?”

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea…” Ashley paused then said. “What exactly--what are you going to tell them about us?”

Andy paused and thought about it. He hadn’t came up with a good idea of what he was going to say yet other than he was expecting a baby. “I haven’t figured that out yet.”

“You should probably figure that out first--”

Ashley had barely got the words out of his mouth when Andy’s phone rang loudly in his pocket. Pulling it out, he blanched at the name on the screen. Shakily, Andy answered the phone and put it to his ear.

“H-hey Mom, how are you?”

“I’m good honey. I was just calling to check up on you and to find out what time you’re playing tonight.”

“I’m uhh...I’m okay. We’re going onstage about Nine tonight, why?”

“Oh no reason. Love you Hun. Say hello to the boys for me, okay? Bye.”

After the phone went dead, Andy pulled the phone away from his ear and frowned in confusion. That was a strange call.

“Who was that?”

“My mom.”

Ashley raised an eyebrow at that.

“Why was she calling?”

“Your guess is as good as mine.”

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Andy gratefully hopped off the stage after they finished the last song. As the weeks of his pregnancy progressed another new side effect seemed to manifest, this week it was a need to pee seemingly every few minutes. He felt like he was bursting and started to hurry back to the tour bus when he nearly bumped into someone.

“Andy.” He stopped dead in his tracks and looked down, and felt the blood drain from his face as he saw his mother, Amy. Standing just behind her was his dad, Chris.

“Hey.” His dad said nodding at him. They both were smiling but there was something off about their expressions.

“Hi--” Andy awkwardly hugged his mother and the straightened up as he heard the other guys walk up behind him. He hoped they would provide a distraction but after quick cursory greetings his mother was laser focused on him. Ash had walked up and was standing just to his side a little nervously, Andy was happy for the silent support though.

“So what is going on with you?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean the stuff I’ve been reading about you.”

Andy frowned having no idea what she was talking about….had someone found out about the baby and wrote an article and for some reason he hadn’t heard yet. “Which is what exactly?”

“That you’re on drugs...that you’re sick...that you’re--”

Jinxx abruptly cleared his throat. Andy glanced at him and then at all the rest of the guys...for some reason they looked guilty. Jinxx was carefully avoiding his eye. “Why don’t we discuss this back at the tour bus?”  
  


“You know about what I’m talking about Jeremy?”

“Uh--yes--yes ma’am.” Andy winced as his mother focused a hawk like gaze on Jinxx. “Maybe then you can explain why there was a rumour that you boys were fighting and they had pictures of you all looking like you were in a bar fight.”

Jake spoke up at that. “Well...it’s complicated.”

Andy looked up as his dad spoke looking disapproving. “It’s complicated is not a good enough reason, Andy has worked hard for this band and image is--”

Andy cringed and quickly cut his father off, he appreciated how his dad was in his corner but the casual way he sometimes put down the other guys or acted like Andy was the sole person in the band made him feel weird. “You know what, we _really_ should talk about this back at the bus.” When no one moved Andy added. “Plus, I really have to pee and it’s about time for a snack.”

He started to walk away and for a moment it seemed like his mother would continue standing there determined to hash out whatever the problem was right then and there, potential paparazzi and fans overhearing be damned. After a few seconds though, she sighed and followed the rest of the band and his dad.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Everyone was in the lounge and Andy had grabbed a quick snack. The other guys after rolling their eyes at Andy’s choice for nourishment had settled back on the sofas with their drinks like everything was business as usual. But Andy’s parents were looking at him like he had lost his mind.

Which in all fairness if he wasn’t pregnant was a valid question. However, Jake’s leftovers of chicken, broccoli and brown rice mixed with peanut butter and cottage cheese somehow tasted like the perfect snack. Though apparently to everyone else especially CC who had looked like he was about puke as he passed Andy the peanut jar to mix into it, it was gross.

His mother dragged her eyes away from him eating with difficulty and said. “Okay now, I want some explanations as to just what is going on here.”

Andy swallowed a mouthful of food, playing for time. “About what?”

“Andrew Dennis Biersack, do not _what_ me! You know very well what I mean!” His mother looked livid. “I’m hearing rumours you’re taking drugs, and you’re sick and I wouldn’t take stock in them so much but your friends--” She paused and glared at his bandmates, who looked down at her stare. “Were being _very cagey_ with me and wouldn’t answer me straight. And everytime I pick up a magazine there’s an article about your illness and/or drug addiction.”

Andy put down his fork. Now he was very confused. “So, I’m either sick or I’m on drugs?”

“You tell me.”

“You don't look the healthiest Andy. You're gaining weight. You've always been skinny and now you're kinda fat. and you're bloated, your eyes are tired.” His dad observed.

Andy heard Ash make a disgruntled noise and noticed the irritated look Ash wore at his dad's comments. Andy himself felt awkward at the remark and had to force himself to remember it wasn't an insult and his parents just didn't know.

“I’m not sick...well I kinda am but not like that...and I’m definitely not on drugs.” His mother raised an eyebrow and stared pointedly at the bowl of food he was eating. “What? This tastes good...” Andy said defensively.

CC snickered and said unhelpfully. “If you think that’s bad you should see the other shit he eats…” He trailed off as Andy’s mother glared at him then whipped out her phone, pulled up a page and handed it over to Andy.

There was a web browser open with multiple tabs. He opened the first one and read

> **Andy Biersack Taking Drugs?**
> 
> Andy Biersack singer for the rock band Black Veil Brides (BVB) is known for his antics, from numerous injuries to engaging verbal and sometimes physical fights with hecklers. But recently he has been acting even more strange. Sources who have asked not to be named report the singer has been acting bizarrely. “He’s been really moody lately and sleeping a lot.He looks like a zombie half the time.”
> 
> The lead singer Tony Sweltzer for the band, Righteous Devils, who recently opened for BVB states, “Something was definitely wrong with him, he waited until the last minute to get back stage so he could walk on, he looked really pale and kept throwing up. I walked over to see what was wrong you know...anyway that guy--um the one who looks kinda like a chick-- _asshole_ [Ashley] Purdy told me to fuck off and the other guys in the band I could tell they knew what was wrong with him--it’s gotta be drugs.”

The article continued in that fashion, and Andy tabbed over to another.

**Black Veil Brides Singer, Hospitalized with chronic Illness.**

> Andy Biersack, lead singer for Black Veil Brides, was recently rushed by ambulance to an area hospital after he fainted during a concert. Susan McGregor, 16 who attended the concert said. “It was so scary, like I thought he had died or something. One moment he’s standing there like singing and looking perfect and then he just like dropped. I nearly died! And then he woke up and puked everywhere and the ambulance like came and took him away and I like checked his twitter feed for hours until I finally found out he was okay.”
> 
> Hospital representatives have declined to tell us just what the rock singer was seen in the hospital for. A hospital employee, who asks that we not share his name gave us this cryptic tidbit about the singer. “I’m just going to say that _guy_ is a weirdo...he’s not what he appears to be.” When pressed about the nature of Mr. Biersack's illness the employee states further. “I can’t tell you guys everything but let’s just yeah he’s definitely ill all right--shit he’s got some weirdness going on only seen in a freak show.”

Andy read tab after tab, it seemed like a neverending parade of speculation. By the last one he had read enough, tears broke out in his eyes as he skimmed the final paragraph.   _Freak...on drugs...sick...something's wrong with him...liar._

“What… but…” Andy’s breaths were coming in gasps as he replayed the words over in his head. None of it was true! How could anyone write something like that? It hurt hearing what people had said about him and only made him feel worse because now he was even more worried about the reaction when he revealed his pregnancy.

He felt tears start down his cheeks and Ash put an arm around him.  

“We didn’t tell you because we knew how much it would upset you.” Jake’s voice was calm and comforting, but Andy was even more horrified as he looked up at Jake and the rest of the guys.

“You knew?”

Jake and the others (including Ashley) nodded uncomfortably.

“And you didn’t tell me?!”

“We knew this would really upset you and--” He broke off as Andy started to cry again.

Ashley pulled him closer, running a hand through his hair and whispering soothingly. “It’s okay, nobody gives a fuck what those people say.” Andy nodded, but couldn’t stop the tears completely. He looked up at Ashley’s face which was unhappy as he glanced in Andy’s mother’s direction.

Andy’s stomach rumbled with unhappiness, and before he knew it he was gagging. Most likely from the stress, if Andy had to guess. It didn’t give him long before he could feel the ‘snack’ coming back up. He shot up out of his seat and quickly ran to the on-board bathroom. Footsteps followed him in and Andy felt the familiar feeling of Ashley’s hand on his back, rubbing soothing circles.

“What is wrong with him?” Andy heard his mother ask, but she didn’t get a response instead Andy saw Ash slam the bathroom door in her face. He would have commented on that but was too busy being sick.

Finally he pulled away, after the heaves had stopped. Ash flushed and asked. “You okay now?”

Andy nodded and stood up rinsing his mouth, he reached for the door trying to open it only to realise it was locked….his mom was going to be pissed.

Taking a deep breath Andy opened the door, to find his mother red faced and angry and his dad who didn’t look much happier.

“Do you want to explain what is going on here?”

Ashley broke in before Andy could and he sounded pissed. “He just threw up is what’s going on.”

Andy’s mother went even redder. “I am talking to my son not you! I want to know why I keep reading these articles about--”

“You keep reading them because you want to.” Ashley said matter of factly, but Andy heard the anger in his voice.  “He’s got enough on his plate without having to hear that shit.”

“You watch your tone and language around my wife.” Andy’s dad said, stepping forward slightly.

Ashley wasn’t intimidated and opened his mouth to say something else, causing Andy to quickly jump in. “It’s--it’s not anything--I mean not anything really bad--”

“Not anything bad? You’re sick aren’t you? What is it cancer?” His mother sounded hysterical.

“N-no”

“Drugs? I’m going to find out my child is on drugs? Have you gone to rehab is that--”

“I’m not--” Andy tried to go on but his mother’s anxiety was only adding to his own, plus he could feel tears coming to his eyes as he thought about what he had read. He swallowed thickly and forced himself to continue. “Me and Ash--”

“That’s another thing--are you and _him_ together?” Andy’s father broke in.

Andy’s mother had to add her two cents. “He’s always drinking...is he the one who started you on drugs? Is that what this is--are--”

Andy couldn’t take it anymore, he broke out sobbing again, and twisted toward Ashley trying to stem the tears. Ashley started yelling at them “Why don’t you fucking listen to what he has to say for a minute before you jump to conclusions and I don’t need to hear bullshit from you about what I drink.”

“You don’t talk to my wife that way I’ll--””

“Andy is my son--”

“Guys can everyone calm down.” Andy vaguely heard Jinxx’s voice in the background.

“No I will not calm down and Jeremy I’m going to talk to you too and--”

Andy bolted as he heard the other band members join in and his parents and Ashley yelling. He wound his way through the bus until he got to the very back where Ashley shared with CC. Still crying he climbed into Ashley’s bunk pulling the pillow over his head.

It was a few minutes before he heard the door open. He didn’t move at first assuming it was CC, until he felt a hand on his shoulder and Ash’s voice said softly. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah--” Andy paused turning to look at Ashley, then admitted. “No, not really.”

Ashley sighed, and ran a hand through his hair before motioning for Andy to scoot over and climbing in to lay next to him. He wrapped his arms around Andy pulling him close.

“I really have a way with people...your mom and dad are both pissed at me now.”

Andy sucked in a teary breath at that, and Ash sighed again and thumbed tears off his cheeks. “Hey, it’s going to be okay...they’re just really over protective and your dad is---” Ashley trailed off.

Andy looked up at that taking in the diplomatic look on Ash’s face. “An _ass_ sometimes, you can say it.”

“Well you said it not me.”

Andy gave a not quite chuckle at that, then sobered as he thought about telling his parents. “They’re not going to react well to me being pregnant.”

“What? No, they’re--just worked up is all...they’ll probably be shocked but it’ll go fine.”

Andy couldn't be sure if Ash really believed it or was just saying that to calm him but he nodded. Still he wasn’t ready to face them just yet. “Ash?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we not tell them now?”

“Sure whatever you want.”

Andy relaxed a little at that. Ash continued. “How about tomorrow over lunch or something since they’re staying overnight?”

“Yeah, that’ll work.”

“Okay you ready to go back out?”

Andy cringed at the idea of meeting his parents again, he was already exhausted after the concert without having to deal with their questions and comments. “Not really. I’m really tired.”

“Gotcha nap first folks later.”

Andy nodded, then as his stomach grumbled added. “Actually, I think I’d better eat something first.” He knew it was somewhat cowardly but he couldn’t take the conflict. “I just don’t want to go to the kitchen and run into them.”

To his surprise Ashley smirked a little and pulled out a protein bar from one of his pockets. “I come prepared. Can’t have you puking in my bunk or passing out because you haven’t eaten.” Andy grabbed the bar and opened it taking a bite as Ashley started to get up.

“I’ll let you get some rest.”

Quickly Andy reached out grabbing his hand. “Stay? Please...at least until I fall asleep?”

Ashley hesitated for just  a second then laid back down next to him. Andy cuddled against him as he finished the bar. “Crumbs in my bunk Biersack, I swear the things I do for you.” Ash muttered, sounding sleepy.

He kissed Andy’s forehead, and pulled him closer. “You know I might just join your for that nap.”

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Andy sat at the booth and stared at the glass of water sitting in front of him, like it had personally insulted him. He and Ash were at the restaurant waiting on Andy’s parents to arrive. Ashley was drinking “just one” beer which Andy chose not to make a big deal about because he could tell Ash was trying. Andy was angry about something else however, and that was what Ash had insisted he drink, he couldn’t have a beer, or soda that had caffeine...so his options were water or juice. Considering the sickly sweet taste of juice didn’t go well most days anymore he opted for the water and complained about it the whole time.

That was until he saw they had mozzarella sticks on the menu. The restaurant didn’t have his condiment of choice to go with the appetizer, but after a moment of pouting Andy made due.

“I can’t believe you’re eating that.” Ashley made a face as he watched with disgusted fascination Andy take another bite. “Maple syrup is not meant to go with deep fried cheese.”

Andy pouted and took another bite. “They didn’t have peanut butter. Here you should try it. It’s really good!” He held up the the mozzarella stick with syrup dripping off of it. Ash looked at it then back at Andy with a grossed out face.

“I don’t think so.. It’s gross just watching you eat that.”

“Oh come on, please? For me?” Andy [pouted](https://www.google.com/url?q=http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/27800000/-Andy-bottom-lip-andy-sixx-27889727-250-375.jpg&sa=D&ust=1486192006700000&usg=AFQjCNFWrmkMeMb0PzkIEC2UG44-GXY66Q) and batted his eyelashes before dangling the syrupy stick of fried cheese in front of Ashley’s face. Ashley leaned back and and sighed before reaching out and grabbing the offending item.

“Fine. I’ll try it, but just for you.” Andy watched as Ashley took a bite. His face contorted as he chewed once or twice. Before Andy knew it, Ashley had grabbed his napkin and spit the bite out. “Ugh! Okay that..was gross. I don’t know _how_ you can eat that.”

Andy shrugged continuing to eat. Ashley took a sip of his beer then remarked lightly. “No wonder your mom is convinced you’re on drugs, you’d have to be high or something to eat the shit you do.”

Andy’s half grin faded as he registered Ash’s comment. He’d somehow managed to forget (or at least mostly forget) why they were meeting his parents.

The way he went quiet was noticed immediately by Ash who set down his drink and put a hand on Andy’s shoulder. “That was meant to be a joke okay? It’s going to be fine.”

“Yeah, I know.” Andy stared down at his plate and took a half hearted bite of his mozzarella stick, then abruptly placed it down. “I’m going to go to the bathroom real quick before they get here.”

Ash sighed. “Are you about to cry?”

“No.” Andy bit his lip, willing back the burning he could feel in his eyes.

“Throw up?”

“I don’t think so.” Andy stood up, and turned away starting towards the bathroom. “I’m okay, I’ll be right back.”

It wasn’t exactly a lie. He didn’t want to upset Ash, but as was common he could feel tears starting. It was bad enough bursting into tears when it was just the guys around, but in the middle of a crowded restaurant was something else. Plus he felt like everyone was staring at him, Ash had insisted he couldn’t tell but Andy felt like even with the loose T-shirt he was wearing, his larger than normal stomach was obvious...not to mention the beginnings of breasts as the hormones in his body kicked into gear (finally).

Andy, avoided the other restaurant goers gazes, went to the bathroom and used it and cried a little. By the time he got back to the table, his parents had arrived.

His mother was watching him as he sat down her mouth in a frown. He had barely settled into his seat before she started. “I don’t know what you have to tell me that requires all this fanfare. If you’re going to rehab or something then--”

Ashley rolled his eyes and cut her off as Andy felt his face blanch. “Andy is not on drugs, I told you guys that last night.”

”Then wha--”

“It’s lunchtime, you guys were invited out to eat lunch with us and talk about things like civil adults--so let's do that.” Ashley continued, over talking his mother’s protest at his casual rudeness. “I’m hungry, Andy _should_ be hungry, that is if you guys don’t make him puke or start crying again by acting like--”

Andy cut Ashley off before he could say the last word, he was pretty sure it would be some form of swearing and judging how angry his parents already were things were not starting out well. “Can everyone not start fighting? Let’s just order? Okay?”

Twenty minutes later after some very stilted conversations and Ash trying and failing not to unintentionally (or intentionally) aggravate his parents more their food arrived. Andy picked at his trying to figure out what to say.

After a moment of mental deliberation he decided to just be blunt about it. “I’m pregnant.”

Andy became concerned when his parents both started to choke on their food. He stood up slightly getting ready to help them if they needed it. “Are you guys okay?”

“Pregnant?”

“How can you be pregnant the doctor said…” Andy flushed uncomfortably as his mother continued. “Is this a joke? The doctors all said it wasn’t possible.”

“Well, it’s not a joke turns out they were wrong. So surprise--” Andy tried and failed to grin. “I’m pregnant.”

His father chimed in this time. “How did this happen?”

Andy blushed at that question as he remembered Ash and the hotel room and …. Before he could decide what to say Ashley, who was on his third drink said rather rudely (making Andy wish he had insisted he drink something other than alcohol) . “He had sex.”

Andy glanced at Ash who seemed to find his parents discomfort hilarious and quickly said before his father could say anything in return. “I, uh--”

“Who’s the father?” His mother asked her next question, that had Andy cringing.

Andy didn't get chance to answer that one because his father who was looking disapproving about the whole thing said. “What about your career?”

“What about it?”

“Getting pregnant isn’t a great move you’ve got--” Andy listened as his dad continued on and on, each comment making Andy feel worse.

“Look it’s done he’s pregnant.” Ash spat the words out angrily glaring at Chris Biersack.

“Are you married at least?” Andy’s mother sounded like she was having a difficult time digesting it all.

Andy hadn’t expected them to be thrilled but his mother’s near horror and his father’s outright disapproval weren’t making him feel any better about what was already a difficult pregnancy.

“I--I--” He broke off trying to figure out what to say, it felt like all eyes were on him.

Ashley took the pressure off him. Casually Andy felt Ash put an arm around his shoulders and say. “No, he’s not married, no we’re not stopping the tour yet, his career isn’t fucked...and I’m the father...anything else?”

“You’re the father of my grandchild?” Andy wanted to sink into the floor at the tone his father was taking. “You Ashley?”

“Yep, me the degenerate alcoholic, who mooches off your son and wouldn’t even be anything if it wasn’t for Andy...did I cover all of your arguments in advance?”

Andy looked from his family to Ash and back again, then reached over grabbing Ash’s beer and tugging it away. Ash looked at him with a glare but didn’t grab it back. Emboldened Andy turned back to his parents. “I want--I _need_ you all to get along. Ash is the father and _you're_ my parents. I need you both and I can't take the fighting.” He gave a half glance between his dad and Ashley who were glaring at each other and added. “From any of you.”

There was silence for a minute or two at that and Andy used the opportunity to eat some more. His own food didn't taste right but Ashley's looked delicious. Andy reached over snagging a bite which confirmed his suspicions and happily continued to eat.

Ash was halfway distracted but when he noticed Andy eating off his plate he edged it a little closer and smiled.

“So….should I call you my daughter now?” Andy’s mother was obviously still confused about the whole situation but trying to understand. “Because I remember when you got in middle school, you had us change your name, from Andrea Denise to--”

“You can call me whatever you want mom.” Andy sighed and laid his hands on the table watching his parents. “It was easier back then just to be a guy. Now---I don’t really know what I am or what people want me to be--I’m just me.”

His mom looked mollified at that and reached across the table gripping his hand as she smiled. “I’m startled sweetheart but I’m also really happy for you.” She turned and with slight effort smiled at Ash also and added. “Both of you.”

Andy’s dad still had reservations. “I’m guessing you haven’t told your fans this, you need to stay on top of this and release the information on your own terms and --”

Andy shook his head, taking a deep breath. He appreciated how involved his father was about his career but at this point he definitely didn’t want to think about fans or the press or anything. “I’ll tell them soon, I’m not going to be able to keep it a secret much longer I mean look at me.” Andy gestured at his obviously filling out body.

“That happens, sweetheart.” His mother chuckled and said. “You should have seen me when I was eight months pregnant with you. Just wait until you can’t tie your own shoes. Ashley here is going to have a lot of work in your last trimester because you’ll be to heavy and ungainly….that’s  another thing--are you two together?”

“Yes”

“No not really.”

Andy and Ash had both spoke at the same time. They both fell silent and turned to stare at each other for a moment, before Ashley looked away. Ashley avoided his eyes and Andy bit his lip as he listened to him say.

“We’re having a baby together and I’ll be there for the kid and Andy but we’re not together like that--”

Andy swallowed and stole some more of Ash’s food just so he would have something to do. He glanced up biting his lip and blinking furiously as he felt himself getting worked up.

_He was not going to cry again._

His mother had noticed what both he and Ash had said and her eyes were looking between them as she said. “Is that so?”

It was more a rhetorical question than anything but Andy jumped in faking a smile, which he was fairly sure his mother saw through. “Yeah, it was an accident I got pregnant and me and Ash aren’t--aren’t--”

Ash supplied the word. “Together--Except for the baby.”

“Yeah.” The rest of the conversation continued nice enough and Andy laughed and joked with everyone but inside he wasn’t laughing. He had thought they were together, Ash kissing him, holding him, acting like they _were_ together..but it had all been a lie. Just another one of Ash’s acting one way then pulling the rug out from under his feet.

After they finished up lunch and said goodbye to his parents Andy and Ash started back to the tourbus. Ash still was acting like everything was okay.

“So you used to be called Andrea Denise.” He teased. “Whose idea was that...sounds like some weird rich snooty person.”

Andy turned away from him and stared out the window refusing to say anything. Ashley continued trying to tease him. “Should I call you Andrea from now on?”

Andy still didn’t speak and Ashley abruptly stopped at his silence. There was just the soft sound of the radio as Ash drove and then he asked. “Are you upset about something?”

“No.”

“Are you sure because you sound pissed.”

Andy turned back to look at Ash, “Do I have anything to be pissed about? I mean everything’s all right, nothing happened today to make me upset did it?”

Ash looked away from the road for a moment and then glanced back quickly. “Is this about your parents?”

“My parents? What about my parents? They acted like they always do...you on the other hand--”

“Me? What did I--”

“You--you…” Andy trailed off, feeling himself starting to get even more upset and knowing that with that came nausea and then he would (like so many other times over the past few weeks) wind up vomiting and crying. He stared out the window again, with eyes wet with tears.

He didn’t realise the sound of him sobbing was loud enough for Ash to hear until the car abruptly braked and pulled to the side of the road.

“Just tell me what’s wrong.” Ashley put an arm around his shoulders or at least tried to. Andy pulled away.

“Don’t touch me!”

Ashley tried to brush his hair back and Andy lost it at that. He pushed Ashley away from him and then fumbled for the door handle not bothering to look at where he was groping at.

He stepped out on the side of the road, it was a half deserted highway but he started walking. Ashley swore and then Andy heard his door open and then slam shut as Ash got out.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m walking back to the tourbus!”

“What?”

“You heard me I’m walking the fuck back and you can--” Andy stopped as Ash caught up to him and grasped his shoulder turning him around. Andy pulled away still crying. “I said don’t touch me.”

“Andy please tell me what’s up.”

“I’m not talking to you.”

Andy turned and started to walk again, Ash trotted alongside. “Okay fine don’t talk to me but please get back in the car.”

“No.”

“You can’t walk all the way back by yourself that’s miles. Plus you’re pregnant and this isn’t safe for you to--”

“Oh you care about me? I thought you just cared about the baby.”

Ash froze at that, and Andy stopped walking. He had tried not to get upset but he could feel by the ache in his stomach that resolution was shot to hell. Andy carefully lowered himself to the ground sitting on the side of the road, trying to stop crying and not puke.

“Why would you think that?”

“Maybe because you said, we were together for the baby and--” Andy stopped as his food started to make a reappearance. Ashley tried to help him but Andy pulled away, managing to stop after a few heaves. In retrospect it would have been a lot less gross to accept Ash’s help but now he had vomit splatters down his shirt and he was even more pissed.

“Great now I just lost at least half my meal and have to go eat some more shit again, and probably throw that up too.”

Ash waited a second then said tentatively. “Are you okay?”

“No I’m not fucking okay, and what do you care anyway. I’m just the fucking _chick_ you banged who’s having your kid. You should care zero about me! Don’t give a flying fuck about me.” Andy was still really pissed. He lifted up his shirt and pointed at his stomach. “Care about this---care about my goddamn uterus and my fucking vagina, because that’s obviously the only thing that’s important! I’m a cunt Ash, a fucking cunt and womb for your pleasure and making babies. Happy?”

Ashley just stared at him as Andy finished his tirade. There was silence for a long moment then Ashley started. “No--I’m not happy. I care about you and not just the baby and --”

  
“You’re a fucking liar.” Andy couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Ash walked closer, his face confused.

“I-I’m not lying, what’s wrong--what’s going on--I--”

Andy snorted turning around and continuing walking. “I’m not listening to anymore of this shit.” Andy heard Ashley start to say something else behind him but ignored him, he was tired of the lies. He was hurt and confused and above all he couldn’t stand to look at Ash a moment longer or even be around him.

Fifteen minutes later he was still walking and he could hear Ashley following behind him. Andy’s feet were beginning to hurt, plus even though it was still technically spring it was hot out. A line of sweat was dripping down his neck and his stomach had started cramping again. At first he thought it was nausea but now he wasn’t sure. He slowed down not quite stopping as a particularly bad cramp came, Ash immediately noticed.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fi--” Andy started to snap, then stopped and doubled over holding his stomach as a worse cramp came. Before he could move away Ash was at his elbow asking concernedly.

“What’s wrong?”

Andy didn’t answer but instead shook Ash’s hand off him and took a few more steps. He had barely moved before the cramping started up again, instead of stopping Andy walked through the pain. Ash wasn’t fooled.

“It’s your stomach isn’t it?”

Andy didn’t speak.

Ash continued sounding frustrated. “Stop acting like a child!--You’re going to have a miscarriage if you keep this up, you’ll lose the baby and --”

Andy turned around at that. “Of course, God forbid anything happen to the baby! That’s all the matters about--e-everything--”  Andy stopped talking feeling tears come to his eyes again. Instead of letting Ash see him cry he turned around and continued walking. Part of him knew it was stupid but the other part of him was determined to keep walking. All Ash cared about was the baby that was obvious and that made Andy want to not care about any of it.

“Andy please! You’re going to hurt yourself or lose the baby--”

“I don’t give a fuck about the baby!” Andy yelled without even turning around. It was a lie and Ashley knew it but Andy didn’t care how shitty of a thing it was to say. He was mad and a large part of him wanted Ash to hurt as much as he did. Andy added as an afterthought. “And I _don’t_ give a fuck about you.”

He heard Ash’s footsteps falter for a moment behind him at that and for a naive moment hoped Ashley would take back what he had said at the restaurant back, but that hope was dashed as he heard Ash call someone.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a section in the later part of this chapter that has a particularly graphic scene which may be disturbing to some readers. If you wish to find out what the scene is in brief to decide whether to read it then scroll to the end notes for this chapter.

Ashley knew Andy wasn’t feeling great. His face was pale and sweaty and he was walking like his feet hurt. But when he bent over holding his stomach Ash got even more worried. He could tell Andy was in pain, but when he went to try to find out what was wrong and talk him back to the car, Andy snapped at him again. The car was out of sight by now and obviously trying to let Andy walk off his anger wasn’t working.

Ashley ran a frustrated hand through his hair feeling helpless. He didn’t have a real idea what Andy was mad about, it was something that had happened back at the restaurant but exactly what he wasn’t sure. And so far everything he did was making things worse.

As he watched Andy nearly double over again an idea occurred to him and Ashley pulled out his phone. He deliberated for a moment which person to call Jake or Jinxx, but he was still pissed at Jake after the fight they had a few days ago and Jinxx tended to be better at figuring out people or calming them down at least.

He waited impatiently as the call went through and then before Jinxx could speak he said in rushed ramble. “We just left the lunch with Andy’s parents and he’s pissed about something-and he got out the car and started walking--and it’s been fifteen minutes now and he’s still walking and I can tell he doesn’t feel well but he won't come back to the car and--he won’t listen to anything I say and --every--”

Jinxx cut him off, “Wait--what’s wrong with Andy?”

“I don’t know, he was holding his stomach a few minutes ago, he’s pale and sweaty too.”  Ashley briefly looked back at Andy and bit his lip.

“Is he nauseated?”

“No, at least I don’t think it’s that. It’s kinda hot out here and he’s been walking a long time--”

“The car stopped?” Ashley ran his free hand through his hair in frustration.

“No--damnit Jinxx are you paying attention? Andy got out the fucking car and started walking--” Ashley knew they were getting stares from drivers and passersby, but his focus was on Andy and his current phone call.

“And you let him?”

“How was I supposed to stop him? You know how Andy is when he decides to do something.”

Jinxx paused at that then said begrudgingly. “True, what’s he doing now.”

Ashley glanced up again to see Andy had sat down by the side of the road. He didn’t seem to be doing any worse but Ash hesitated to come closer, knowing if he did Andy would start walking.

“He’s just sitting down now, I think he’s okay though.”

Jinxx sighed. “Okay tell me what happened back at the restaurant.” So, Ashley told him. A few minutes later he could hear Jinxx let out another exasperated sigh. “You really don’t get what you did?”

“No, Jinxx I fucking--”

“Don’t jump down my throat--anyway, it sounds like Andy thought you two were together and you just said to him all you care about was the kid he’s having with you.”

Ash couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Once again everyone was choosing to think the worst about him. “That’s not what I fucking said. I care about Andy and --”

“Just listen for a moment, I said that’s what _Andy_ thought. I know you care about him as a friend at least, but he thinks it’s something more and you say it isn’t?”

“No, it’s not. Me and Andy aren’t together, we just had a kid to--”

“Are you sure you aren’t?” Jinxx’s voice had a hard edge. Before Ashley could reply, Jinxx had continued. “You’ve been kissing him, going to all his appointments, letting him sleep with you in your bunk, cuddling--”

“What’s your point?”

“My point is it seems like you are together.”

“We’re not...we can’t be.” All the reasons he and Andy weren’t right for each other were swirling in his mind and to complicate matters all the times he had spent with Andy were there too, giving him a myriad of conflicting emotions.

“What do you mean ‘can’t?’”

“I mean I wouldn’t be good for Andy or even the baby for that matter.--maybe I’ll be fine as the guy who drops in and sees the kid on holidays and some weekends or whatever but I shouldn’t be in anyone’s life for long and --”

“I never knew you were this selfish.” Jinxx sounded pissed, “You’re a shitty ass person Ashley.”

“I’m not being selfish.” Ashley walked a few steps away from Andy’s direction needing to move as he could feel his frustration and near panic mounting. “I can’t be a good father, I can’t be a good partner...boyfriend..whatever. I’m not even a good person.”

“What are--”

Ashley continued talking ot given Jinxx a chance to finish. “I’m doing Andy a favor, he deserves someone better and the baby deserves someone better and even you guys do…” Ash’s eyes were burning and his throat felt thick.

Jinxx’s voice was worried “What’s going on with you? When did you stop having confidence in yourself? I--”

Ash was crying now. “I’m seeing stuff clearly for the first time now--everyone is better off without me. I’m a loser personally and professionally. I’m not even as good a guitar player as the rest of you guys, I can’t sing, I drink all the time---I think I’m going to leave the band after this tour--I think it’ll be better for you guys and better for Andy to--”

“What?!? Are you insane?” Jinxx was incredulous. His voice dropped into a firm but soothing tone. “I don’t know what is going on, but you are not leaving the band.”

“But--”

“Listen to me, stop reading those shitty youtube comments, you used to be lead singer in a few bands for christ sakes, your singing is fine. You play guitar just as good as me and Jake and nobody--are you hearing me? _Nobody_ will be better off if you leave, least of all Andy.”

Ashley was sure Jinxx was just trying to make him feel better and started to say. “You’re just lying to make me feel better, it’s okay I know the tru--”

“I am not fucking lying Ashley Purdy. I don’t know what’s going on in your head right now, but I do know from experience that you leaving the band will kill Andy. He loves you and you have no idea how much. All you leaving will do is cause Andy to fall into a pit of depression, and self hatred. He’ll blame himself that you’re gone, withdraw from everyone, become reckless, and suicidal. And at that time he’ll have your child to look after too.”

“How do you know all that?”

“Because he’s been in that mentality before. Remember when you broke your nose and had to sit out the rest of the tour? Your absence just about killed him. He thought you weren’t coming back and started blaming himself.”

“What? But that’s insane! It was in no way his fault I wasn’t paying attention and fell face first.”

“Yeah, but now think of what you told me a few moments ago. How is what you said any less insane? Now do you see how important you are? Not only that, but it was yours and Andy’s long hours of brainstorming the formation of the band and hard work that got us where we are...You’re important to us all...but especially to Andy.”

Ashley wasn’t sure what to say or even think about what Jinxx had said. It had been a tense past few weeks with the guys seemingly jumping down his throat about everything and after the added stress of what had happened with Andy he felt drained. “Okay...Okay.”

Jinxx still sounded unsure. “It’s going to be fine man--really...Now, let me talk to Andy and I’ll see if I can get him to calm down.”

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Andy looked up as Ash walked towards him. He hadn’t really been listening to the conversation but Ashley’s face had him wondering what it had been about and who he had been talking to. His eyes were dry but they were puffy and his face was reddened like he had been crying.

“Jinxx wants to talk to you.” Andy hesitated before taking the phone, part of him wanted to say something to comfort Ash and the other part of him was still angry and wondering what Ash had to be upset about.

Before he could decide, Ash walked a short distance away his hands in his pockets and his shoulders hunched.

Andy stared after Ashley for a moment, not realising he was breathing heavily into the phone until Jinxx said. “Andy are you okay?”

“What--” Andy pulled his eyes away from Ash with difficulty. “I--I’m fine.”

“Really? Ashley said you were holding your stomach.”

“It was cramping a few minutes ago, it’s stopped now. I think I just needed a break, I’ve been walking for a while and --”

“You can’t walk all the way back to the tourbus.” Jinxx cut him off.

Andy immediately responded. “I’m not going anywhere with Ash, I’ll hitchhike or something or--”

“No you will fucking not!”

“Jinxx.”

“I mean it. You’re going to make yourself really sick, or have a miscarriage playing around like this.”

“So I see Ash has got you worried about the baby too, apparently that’s all he ever cares about and --” Andy felt tears coming to his eyes again and sobbed after a hitching breath. “He doesn’t give a shit about me and--”

“Stop, Ash cares about the baby _and_ he cares about you.”

Andy bit his lip at that then added. “You just talked to him...did he tell you what he said back at the restaurant? About us not being together and it’s just about the baby?”

Jinxx was silent for a moment then said. “Yeah, he told me.”

“So how can you say that he cares about me? He’s been acting like he cared these past few weeks but it’s been a lie and Jinxx--I don’t know what to think. One moment I think he wants there to be an _us_ , the next moment he’s saying that we never were _together_ and it was all an accident and--” Andy broke off sobbing so hard he couldn’t catch his breath. He was still sobbing hard but managed to blurt out. “What am I supposed to do?”

Jinxx didn’t respond at first and Andy managed to slow get his breaths under control after a few moments. Then Jinxx spoke. “Ash cares about you he’s just ... _afraid_  and he’s not sure what he wants I don’t think. If you guys are going to be together you will and if not know that Ashley cares about you and the baby. He’ll still be in your life even if it’s just as a friend.” Andy didn’t speak so Jinxx said. “Okay?”

“Yeah…”

“Then I want you to get back in the car with Ash and come home. We’ll work this out.”

“Okay.”

Andy stood up as Jinxx said goodbye and clicked off the phone. Ashley walked over looking more composed. He stood there awkwardly not speaking.

Andy looked past him realising for the first time just how far he had actually walked, there was no sign of the car. “Where’s the vehicle?”

“A mile or two back--I don’t know how far you actually walked.” Ashley quickly added. “If you wait here I’ll go get the car so you don’t have to walk back.”

Andy thought about refusing but the last vestiges of anger were fading away and now he was just mostly tired. So he wiped the tears from his face and nodded, his feet were throbbing.

Ash looked like he wanted to say something else but then turned and started to walk away only to stop and turn back. “Actually, I just realised...I know you have a cellphone, but if something happens then it’ll still take me awhile to get back to you if I’m out of hearing distance.”

Andy hadn’t thought of that, but now that he did and the anger had worn off he felt stupid. Walking down a highway by yourself in the middle of nowhere was a stupid thing to do when you were almost three months pregnant. “I’ll walk back with you.” Andy said, but inside he was grimacing and he still felt sweaty and now a little dizzy.

He started to walk then thought better of it and stood still. Ash touched his shoulder hesitantly and searched his face. “You can’t walk all that way.”

“Yes, I can...just give me a minute.” Andy burped as his stomach acid made an unexpected bid for freedom. “I want to get back to the car.”

“Get on my back.” Ashley turned slightly, and Andy stared at him incredulously.

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m not leaving you on the side of the highway by yourself, you can’t--shouldn’t--be walking all the way back, so I’ll carry you.”

Andy started to protest then stopped as he considered his options. Without another word he clambered up on Ash’s back and put his arms around Ash’s neck. He felt exhausted and more than a little awkward at being so close to Ashley after what he had said.

Ashley tried to joke. “Now, don’t go puking in my hair or anything.” Andy didn’t respond except to rest his head on the top of Ashley’s. Surprisingly even though it was a fairly long way back, Ashley carried him with ease back to the SUV and then they started home. There was silence in the car as miles passed, neither quite knew what to say. And Andy was glad when Ash turned on music and neither of them had to try anymore to fill the silence.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Ashley pulled into in front of the tourbus and no sooner had he cut the engine did Any get out. He hadn’t spoken the entire car ride back and it was obvious Andy was hurt. Multiple times Ashley had considered saying something but he didn’t know what to say that would make Andy less upset. He couldn’t lie and say he was going to be with him and they were going to have some life together and raise the baby and have birthdays and holidays and whatever else together...it would have been a lie. So he wasn’t sure what if anything he could do that would fix this. He cared about Andy, and that meant he cared about him _and_ their child too much to let them be around him.

He followed Andy out, walking up the stairs behind Andy into the tourbus. The guys must have heard them come in because footsteps started coming there way and then Jake and CC walked into view followed by Jinxx who looked exhausted.

Andy glanced at them, and mumbled. “Hey.”

There three bandmates were looking between him and Andy and Ash mentally braced himself for an onslaught of accusations. It wasn’t like he didn’t deserve it, Andy had obviously been crying and over the past weeks on more than a few occasions he had been the direct cause of that.

CC surprised him by not commenting on the tear tracks on Andy’s face and instead saying. “Hey, there’s food in the kitchen if you want a snack or something.”

“Yeah I’ll probably grab something and then I’m going to sleep.” The other guys nodded but Andy was already walking away.

Ashley watched him go, taking note that even though Andy had said he was going for a snack he had walked off towards their bunks. Absentmindedly he resolved to bring him a sandwich or something, knowing he usually wouldn’t eat when he was upset unless he was forced to. Ashley started to walk away too, only to stop as a hand gently but firmly caught his elbow.

“We need to talk.” Ashley turned to look at Jinxx who had caught his arm and then glanced at the other guys who looked likewise somber. Jinxx added. “The four of us, not Andy.”

Ashley bit his lip. “Do I have a choice?”

“Yeah, but I think you’re going to listen to what we have to say.” Jake continued. “It’s about Andy.”

Ash swallowed at that, then nodded. “Okay.” Wordlessly he followed the other guys farther into the tourbus and towards the lounge. He saw Jake sniff as he walked past and knew he smelled the liquor on him from the three beers he had drank back at the restaurant, but mentally braced himself for the comment that would follow. But Jake didn’t say anything, in fact no one did until they were all seated in the lounge.

“Jinxx told us what happened this afternoon.” CC was the first one to speak, he glanced at the others like he was making sure they were in agreement before he continued. “We weren’t going to say anything at first but--”

CC broke off abruptly looking uncomfortable but determined. Jake took over. Ash glanced over at Jake who was sitting about arm’s length away to the left of him. “It’s gone too far.”

Ashley frowned, he had thought they were going to talk about Andy but it was obvious this was some sort of intervention about his drinking. He opened his mouth to say something in his defense but Jake was already continuing on.

“You’re hurting him.” Ashley felt his chest tighten at the almost calm matter of factly way Jake had said it (though Ashley could hear a hint of something else in Jake’s tone too). He glanced around at his other bandmates to find them all staring at him before turning back to Jake. “We understand you’re having issues about the pregnancy and all that, but you can’t keep acting like a doting boyfriend and then turn around and claim you’re not together. It’s not right and it’s not fair to Andy who’s been in love with you since who knows when.”

Jinxx nodded and gave Ashley a firm but sympathetic look. “You need to decide. Do you want to have a life with Andy, or not? You also need to consider your reasons for your decision. If you decide you can’t or don’t want to be with Andy, fine. But stop leading him on like you have been. The whole letting him sleeping in your bunk, kissing him, holding him, sleeping with him...that all has to stop. If you keep doing those things, then it’s going to be harder on Andy to deal with your decision. There’s no in-between.”

“Not only that, but you having sex with him when you have no intention of being with Andy is wrong. You’re taking advantage of Andy while he’s vulnerable.”

Ash frowned and looked at Jake. “We haven’t been having sex. The only time we had sex ended up with Andy being pregnant.”

Jake looked at Jinxx and CC before they all looked back at Ash. CC spoke up with a narrowed look on his face. “So what, you’ve been sleeping around behind Andy’s back? Is that what’s been happening? How come we haven’t seen any of the women you’ve slept with?”

“I haven’t been sleeping around behind Andy’s back. We’re not together, so it’s not cheating or anything.”

“Then why keep it hidden from us if it’s not cheating? We haven’t seen any girls on the bus since you slept with Andy.” CC gave Ashley an incredulous look.

“I didn’t want to hurt Andy…”

“Are you listening to yourself? You didn’t want to hurt Andy, so you hid the fact that you were sleeping around while making him think you two were together….How the fuck does that make sense, Ashley?”

Ashley opened his mouth to reply but couldn’t think of anything to say so he shut his mouth. Jinxx took over from Jake next. “You can’t think of a comeback, can you? That’s because you know you screwed up. Then there’s also the whole, putting Andy’s life at risk by driving when you’ve had who knows how many drinks tonight.”

Ashley’s face blanched at that, before he froze for a moment then quickly said. “I didn’t--”

“Don’t say you didn’t drink we can smell it on you.” CC frowned.

Ashley glared at him. “I wasn’t about to say that. I only had about three beers.”

“Three beers?” Jake shook his head. “Like that is supposed to make this better. You were driving intoxicated and you’re sitting here making excuses.”

“Are you guys going to keep getting on my case about everything? Is that what this is, fuck over Ashley day?”

Jinxx broke in this time. “No, this is make Ashley see some sense before he hurts himself or someone else. Andy’s pregnant, and you’re driving around half drunk, stop for a minute and think about someone but yourself.”

Jake nodded in agreement. “How would you feel if you were the reason someone got in a car accident--”

Ashley froze at that his stomach lurching. Jake continued unaware the response he was evoking. “Imagine some little kid losing his parents because you wanted to be an asshole and drink and drive...How would you fucking feel.”

“I….” Ashley couldn’t say anything as Jake’s words had him going back to what had happened to his own parents.

Jake continued. “Think about how that kid would feel, watching both their parents die because you had to have a drink and--” Jake stopped as he watched Ashley’s face blanch, both Jinxx and CC were also watching Ash worriedly.

Ashley wasn’t aware of their concerned gaze, he was lost in a memory.

_“Are we there yet, Mom?” Ashley grabbed his mom’s head rest and pulled on it a few times excitedly. When his mom turned around to give him a stern look he sat back down._

_“Ashley  get your seatbelt on! If we get in a car accident you’ll go through the windshield!” He pouted for a few moments before grabbing his seatbelt begrudgingly. Before he put it on fully, his mom turned away to pay attention to his dad’s driving. Seeing that she was no longer looking, Ashley let the seatbelt fall down with a mischievous grin. He grabbed his toy car from the spot next to him and started moving it around._

_“Vroom, vrooooooom.” He ‘drove’ the car over his mother’s seat and over her shoulder._

_  
“Ashley Purdy!” She turned around, causing him to jump back into his seat with a wide eyed look. She unbuckled her own seatbelt, before partially climbing over the seat and grabbing his seatbelt, buckling it back in. “I told you to keep your seatbelt on and I want you to listen to me. You’re being a distraction, your dad is trying to drive and if you keep disobeying you’re going to get us into a car wreck!”_

_Ashley happened to look over his mom’s shoulder and pointed as his father looked his way, not paying attention to the car coming their way. His dad turned to look out the windshield and yanked the steering wheel, causing Ashley to tumble onto the empty seat next to him. Before he could do anything his mom was reaching for him again, pulling him back into his seat._

_She’d no more than clicked the seat belt when the car jerked and they found themselves soaring through the air. Terror filled Ashley’s body as he watched, almost in slow motion, as they smashed into a big tree. Metal screeched, someone screamed and then his head smashed into something and everything went black._

_When Ashley awoke, he could smell something odd, a thick and metallic odour and something like smoke. He didn’t know what it was, but it wasn’t pleasant. Ashley opened his eyes and rubbed his eyes. “Mommy, my head hurts and it stinks in here.”_

_No response._

_“Daddy?” Ashley looked around and started whimpering. Everything was in pieces. He tried to unbuckle himself, but when it wouldn’t release, he started to panic. “Mommy, I can’t get out!”_

_When he received no response again, Ashley attempted to peer over the seats, pushing against his seat belt until he could see into the front seat. His eyes widened when he saw his mother hunched over with her head lying to it’s side, at a weird angle._

_There was just enough moonlight in the car that he could see her head, the side of it had a chunk of glass stuck in it and thick streams of blood were oozing down her skin and into her hair. Something white and spongy looking was poking out around the glas. He reached out to touch his mother tentatively then jerked his hand back whimpering._

_“Mommy….wake up..” He tried calling her name again, but this time didn’t expect a response. Instead after a moment he pushed himself further towards the middle of the seat so he could see his dad. “Dad? D-d--” The words died on his lips as he saw his father in the driver’s seat slumped forward over the wheel, a branch went through his chest and poked out past his back and his head was turned just the slightest so Ashley could see his eyes were wide open._

_Ashley started to cry, and tried to curl in on himself as far away from his dead parents in the front seat as possible. He stayed like that for over a day until rescuers finally found him._

_“Ashley?”_

_“Ash.”_

“Ash, c’mon snap out of it.” Someone snapped their fingers near his face. Ash tried to flinch away as he felt hands grab his own and a voice was saying. “Calm down, it’s okay. You’re fine…”

Ashley was breathing heavily as his eyes snapped open to see Jinxx crouched in front of him. “You’re not in a car...we’re at the tourbus...everyone is okay…”

Jinxx continued talking slowly and soothingly. Ashley didn’t even realise when he had started crying but he felt like he couldn’t stop, it was getting hard to breath he was sobbing so hard and trying to catch his breath in between. Vaguely he was aware of CC and Jake staring at him looking both extremely confused and worried.

Before he knew what was happening, Jinxx had pulled him into a hug wrapping his arms around him and holding him tight like somehow his embrace would block out the memories. “Just let it out, we’ve got you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Ashley's parents are killed during a car crash and the reader sees the scene from his point of view as a child trapped in the car with them. There is a description of dead bodies, mental anguish to a child and other disturbing themes.


	8. Chapter 8

“Ohhh what about this one? It has this cute design on it.” Andy held up the bra with an excited look.

“It looks like it was attacked by a few different paint cans…” Ashley’s grimace had Andy deflating slightly.

“It’s colorful! What’s wrong with that? Plus you guys probably won't even see it. It’s going underneath my clothes. Ohhh I just realized I won't be able to go shirtless on stage anymore…”

“So why are you so excited to go bra shopping? A few weeks ago you didn’t want to, and now You’re like a kid in a candy store. And you haven’t gone shirtless in a while. You’re just now figuring that out?”

“If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Also yes, I just realized that. I’m pregnant, I’m allowed to suddenly remember things.” Andy paused as a memory occurred to him. “Like...you promised to get me another pair of panties.”

“When was that?” Ashley seemed genuinely confused. He quickly followed up his confusion by raising his eyebrows naughtily. “Is this a promise I’m going to make later after I rip the one’s you’re wearing off?” He reached out, playfully groping Andy’s butt, before snapping the waistband of the panties he was wearing.

Andy giggled and scooted away. “Ash, we’re in a store.”

“So?” Ashley smiled and reached out to do something else inappropriate but Andy moved away half laughing.

“Focus! We’re supposed to be bra shopping and you owe me a bra from the one you ripped off when we you know--we--uh…”

Andy felt his face turn bright red, which was utterly absurd because he was an adult and could talk about sex. Except talking about him and Ash had him remembering that night and how Ash had kissed him and held him as he--Andy felt his face grow even redder and couldn’t deny the stirring he felt in his lower regions.

Ashley took advantage of his embarrassment and didn’t show an ounce of it himself as he pulled Andy close so they were pressed against each other. His voice was deeper than usual as he whispered pitched so only Andy could hear. “Fucked, had sex...made love.”

Andy felt suddenly shy as he whispered back. “Yes, that’s--that’s when.” His breath caught as he felt Ash slip a hand under his shirt. “Ash--”

Ashley placed a finger over his lips and Andy fell silent as the hand in his shirt fell away and he felt it drift down past his waist band into his panties so that Ash was fingering him. “How about I go help you try some of these bra’s on?”

Andy knew he shouldn’t have agreed, after meeting with his parents Ash still hadn’t seemed to go back on his comment that they weren’t together. In fact he had been staying away from him more than anything. But now felt right and Andy figured...hoped Ashley’s actions meant he had finally made the decision they were together. He couldn’t help giggling again as Ashley pulled away from him and tugged him towards a changing room.

Andy clicked the lock shut behind them and nearly yelped as he was pressed against the wall behind him. They dressing room was surprisingly roomy for a dressing room with a bench to his right and a floor length mirror to his left.

Ashley was on Andy’s neck, sucking and nipping, while his free hand drifted lower again. The hand found it’s way underneath Andy’s waistband and panties again, rubbing the folds of flesh hidden underneath. Andy tried to suppress the moan that threatened to bubble up and wrapped his arms around Ashley’s shoulders.

“Oooh a mirror.” Andy’s breathing was hard as he looked over to where Ashley had indicated. “I want you to watch how fucking gorgeous you are right now.”

“Kay.” Ashley pulled Andy away from the wall and guided him so that Andy was facing the mirror before wrapping his arms around him from behind. He watched as Ashley pulled his pants all the way down, bringing his panties with them.

“You watching?” Andy nodded and continued watching with difficulty. It was hard keeping his eyes open when Ash was doing amazing things with his hands.

One of Ashley’s hands drifted back to his clit again, rubbing the flesh. Andy could feel the pleasure deep within himself, and watching Ashley at work made it that much better.

“Everything okay in there?” Andy and Ashley jumped away from each other in surprise. Neither had heard the lady coming up.

“Uh y-yeah sorry.”

“Oh okay, well a customer said they saw a man go in with you. Policy states that you can only have one person in a dressing room at a time.”

Andy blushed heavily as Ash started rubbing him again. “T-there’s no one else here, I promise.”

“Well-” The lady stopped as they all heard the sound of the ringing of a phone nearby. After a second, they could hear the steps of the clerk fade away. Andy tried to suppress another moan as Ashley determinedly tried to get Andy off.

“Stop...We have to go before we get caught. And I still need bras.”

“This will be really quick.” Ashley sucked his neck again before adding “I can tell you’re almost there.”

Andy wanted to go along with it but as he heard footsteps and voices outside the dressing room common sense overrode his desires. He reached down grabbing his pants with one hand and started to drag them and his panties up. His legs were trembling from how close he was to climax.

Andy reached out unlocking the door and peered out making sure the coast was clear. Before he stepped out he turned back to Ash who looked frustrated and disappointed. “Do you take rain checks?”

Ashley grinned. “Only for you.”

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Andy scratched his arms vigorously resisting the urge to claw at himself like he wanted to and instead settling for for running his fingers up and down his skin trying to make the itching stop. It wasn’t just his arms, it was his chest, neck...everywhere he had a tattoo or didn’t for that matter. If he had known with pregnancy came itchy tattoos _and_ that he would be pregnant one day he never would have gotten them...or at least not as many as he had. Some days the itching wasn’t so bad, but today it was terrible.

He grabbed a bottle of lotion slathering it on his arms and nearly moaning at the relief, he needed some on his back and thought about asking Ash for but only entertained that thought for a second. Ever since the almost-sex in the dressing room while they had been bra shopping Ashley had been ignoring him---well not exactly ignoring him, but he wasn’t talking to him like he had been, he wasn’t cuddling with him and when Andy had came and tried to climb in his bunk he had either made an excuse or flat out refused….which also meant they hadn’t had sex and Andy was at an almost three month dry spell and horny as hell.

He tried not to think about any of that though, because thinking about Ash would just have him crying, and thinking about sex was too distracting when he had a concert to play in less than thirty minutes. Instead he grabbed the bottle of lotion and went to the dressing room Jinxx was in. He and Jake were talking about guitars when he walked in holding the lotion bottle sheepishly.

“Would one of you mind putting some lotion on my back? I would but I can’t reach it and I would ask Ash but--” Andy blinked at that feeling his eyes burn. Jinxx quickly hopped down from where he was perched on a table.

“Sure, I thought it was just your tattoos that itched. “Jinxx asked as he squeezed out a dollop of lotion and Andy self consciously removed his shirt, still not used to wearing a bra in front of the guys. Neither Jake nor Jinxx said anything about his undergarments though.

“Everywhere itches now, my tattoo’s just itch worse and more...even my boobs itch.”

Jake laughed. “Those you can lotion up yourself.”

“Yeah, I’m going to have to agree.” Jinxx chuckled as he rubbed the lotion in and Andy leaned into the touch. He felt starved for actual physical contact, since Ash was practically avoiding him.

The massage ended all too soon. Andy hurried to get to the stage, only to stop as he passed Ashley. Ashley didn’t notice him but a group of fans noticed Ashley. It was two young women, they came running up and Ashley stopped as they held out photographs to be signed and began gushing about how much they loved him.

Andy tightened his hands into fists a one of the women leaned forward and kissed Ashley square on the lips. It was unexpected but Ashley didn’t seem angry, in fact it was quite the opposite. He pulled away after a moment smiling and then as Andy watched began flirting heavily with both of the women.

Andy had to force himself to walk on. This was just Ashley being himself...he always flirted it didn’t mean anything...except it felt like it did.

Andy got to the stage where they were supposed to play in the nick of time. He only had time to smooth out his clothes making sure the baby bump and his breasts were as hidden as possible and then it was time to walk on stage.

As usual a roar greeted his arrival as fans screamed their excitement. Before it was mostly fans with the occasional heckler. Now though, it was hard to ignore that the composition had changed...not a lot but still more noticeable. He launched into the first set trying to ignore the person in the back chanting: Andy Biersack is a Fag. Or the small group to one side yelling. “We don’t want a lead singer who looks like a fat ass woman.”

Andy got through two more songs before he couldn’t take it anymore. He was still angry about Ash earlier, and how he was acting and he was tired of the comments that were becoming increasingly common at shows.

He turned around signalling that everyone to stop playing then turned back to the crowd. The hecklers could clearly be heard in the silence that fell when the music abruptly stopped.

“So now you’re not complaining that we make shitty music, now you’re complaining about me. Does that mean you’ve run out of shit to say?”

The heckler from the back had enough guile to say. “Talk shit is all you can do fag boy, hear you were out looking in the fucking women’s clothing aisle a few days ago.  Rock music doesn’t need faggots and trans shit heads fucking--”

Andy wasn’t even consciously aware of what he had done at first but he jumped off the stage into the crowd intent of wading through the sea of people to the man in the back. The fact that he was fourteen weeks pregnant was forgotten in his anger...he wanted to make someone pay.

He didn’t make it more than a few steps before hands grabbed at him, pulling in several directions as fans touched him, pawed him, groped him. Someone got a hold of his clothes and Andy felt his jeans being tugged down, someone was also pulling his shirt up. Before they could completely undress him, hands were pulling him away. Andy tried to resist until he realised it was security and his bandmates getting him to safety. He was hoisted on stage. His pants were still half down in the back and he was well aware almost everyone now probably had snapped a picture of his ass. He pulled his clothes back on as the other guys guided him backstage..he felt dazed.

“What the hell was that?” Jake immediately said.

Andy took a moment to straighten out his clothes before replying. “That guy fucking pissed me off.”

“So now you jump into a crowd and try to get to some guy that pissed you off when you're _fourteen_ weeks pregnant? You could have got hurt.”

“I’m fine.” Andy still had adrenaline flowing through him after the encounter. The guys’ concerns were valid, but they definitely didn’t seem as serious at that moment. “The baby is fine too. I’m getting tired of these assholes thinking that can walk into our mother fucking shows and act like shit heads when all we’re trying to do is make some goddamn music and have fun.”

Andy had started out talking normal and by the end he was yelling without having even realised he had raised his voice. All four of his bandmates exchanged looks.

Ash tried to be the voice of reason. “We’re canceling the show for today. You could have gotten hurt and--”

Andy ignored him, still seething inside at Ash’s flirting from earlier. “We’re going back on stage just as soon as security escorts those guys out, okay?”

“They pulled your clothes half off.”

“So? Hasn’t been the first time, won’t be the last. They got a shot of my ass and my belly...so what? The tabloids have been saying I was gaining weight for weeks, and they probably saw my bra...they've been saying I was trans too….nothing new. Let them feed their fucking rumours.” Andy said the last part viciously.

The other guys tried to protest but Andy ignored them and when it came time to walk back on stage they followed him.  Andy pulled his mike off the stand and addressed the crowd. “Now that we’ve removed a few assholes, let’s get one last thing out the way. For the few of you that didn't get a shot and no doubt are on fucking youtube or twitter or whatever the fuck trying to find a picture, take one of your own.” Under normal circumstances he wouldn’t have done what he was about to do but he was still angry and pissed and a whole bunch of other emotions.

He turned so his back was facing the crowd and mooned them briefly earning incredulous and embarrassed faces from his bandmates. Jake in particular was shaking his head in disbelief. Andy didn’t care, he turned around and raised his hand flipping off the rest of the assholes he was sure who had somehow managed to slip past security and then signalled the rest of the guys to start playing.

He had listened to all the songs before and written most of the lyrics, but for some reason the one he was singing now, never had been clearer to him then it was at that moment. There was a meaning so much deeper than the one most people thought they heard, he started to cry as he sang “Lost It All.”

Ashley looked at him in alarm as he heard his voice hitch and Jake and Jinxx were subtly turning to stare at him also. Andy gestured for the guys to once again stop playing. The music petered out instead of abruptly stopping as everyone looked confused.

Andy grabbed the mic again, still crying. “I had to tell you guys, this song--this song is so much more than a song--it’s like a poem--but with a deeper meaning and it’s about me--about us--everything was going okay and then...it just got messed up and--” Before Andy could say anything else the microphone was pulled from his grasp.

Ashley was the one who had snatched it and he glanced at Andy with evident concern before addressing the bewildered fans. “We’re sorry but we’re going to have to leave this concert early today. Andy’s been feeling under the weather and it’s best if he gets some rest.”

Andy would have protested he was fine to continue the concert but he wasn’t able to stop crying long enough to speak coherently. Ash guided him backstage and the rest of the guys followed.

“Andy what the hell was that?” Ashley asked frowning. Andy couldn’t speak, and looking at Ash only made it worse as he thought about his flirting today.

Jinxx noticed Andy pulling away from Ashley and tried to ask. “What happened? What--”

Andy didn’t answer instead he took off, pushing past the people backstage, fans, security, until he got back to the tourbus. He started to make his way towards Ashley’s bunk, instinctively wanting Ash’s smell to soothe him, then he remembered Ashley didn’t want him there---didn’t want him at all anymore and that had him crying harder.

He curled up on his own bunk instead wrapping his arms around himself. A door slammed and Andy cringed thinking it was Ashley, instead he heard two sets of footsteps and Jake and Jinxx walked into view.

Jinxx immediately crouched down, his eyebrows furrowed with worry. “What happened back there?”

Andy shrugged not trusting himself to speak.

Jake spoke this time his voice soft. “It wasn’t just that song that had you upset was it?”

Andy shook his head, and the guys waited patiently as Andy tried to compose himself, Jinxx passed him tissue to wipe his nose and after blowing it Andy managed to speak. “I-I was just standing there singing and it struck me..that song is about me--me and Ash. Everything was going okay and then I thought we were together, I thought he wanted me and didn’t care about what I am or that the baby was an accident--and now it's all gone. He hates me again--or at least doesn’t care about me--- _-I_ lost it all.”

Jake and Jinxx both tried to console him but Andy was too upset for their efforts. He began hiccuping and as the crying made his stomach feel upset before he knew it he was gagging. Jake and Jinxx were blocking the exit to his bunk unintentionally and Andy didn’t have an opportunity to push them aside before he wound up vomiting.

When he had realised throwing up was inevitable and he wasn’t going to make it to a bathroom in time he had twisted away from Jinxx and Jake but that meant his bunk caught the mess.

That caused him to be even more upset and it was long moments before they managed to get him calm enough to change clothes, by then Andy was exhausted. Both Jinxx and Jake offered to let him use their bunks to sleep and Andy settled into Jinxx’s feeling miserable.

Jinxx turned to leave and Andy couldn’t take the thought of being in the near silent tourbus alone. He didn’t want to make things awkward though so he didn’t say anything but something made Jinxx turn back. Jinxx stared at him for a moment looking sad then sat down on the edge of the bunk and somehow fitting himself in. It was a tight squeeze but andy didn’t mind as Jinxx wrapped his arms around him and whispered. “Get some sleep Andy.”

It took him half an hour to cry himself to sleep, because he couldn’t forget the arm’s wrapped around him and the breath in his hair wasn’t Ashley’s.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

“So tell me about the tour so far. How is it going?” The brunette woman sitting across from them gave them a smile that Andy couldn’t figure out if it was genuine or not.

“Good. There’s been a few bumps along the way, but what tour doesn’t, y’know?” Jinxx leaned forward a small bit on the couch that Jinxx, Jake, and himself were sitting on. Andy tried to push away the guilt at Jinxx’s words. He knew he was the one causing most of the bumps. Especially after the fiasco that had been the concert early last week turned out to be. The combo of pregnancy hormones, Ashley flirting with other people and the hecklers in the crowd had turned him into a mess.

Things still weren’t right. Andy had managed not to have any more meltdowns...well at least not in public but Andy had seen Ash lately talking to the women who frequented their concerts and he was ignoring Andy in the process more and more.

“Andy?” A finger poked him in the side and Andy turned to see Jake and the interviewer watching him. He blushed slightly as he realised he had been asked a question.

“Sorry, pregnancy brain--” Andy froze as he realised what he had blurted out without thinking. Jake and Jinxx stiffened.

“Pregnancy brain? Care to explain that?” The interviewer sounded like a dog pouncing on a bone.

Andy couldn’t figure out exactly what to say, Jinxx half glanced at him before quickly jumping in. He gave a fake half laugh. “Andy’s been kinda spacey...it’s a joke between the band….Andy having pregnancy brain you know like pregnant people get.”

Jake was nodding in agreement and the interviewer looked between them and back to Andy with narrowed eyes. “I see.” But Andy could tell she really didn’t. There was something about her he didn’t like and wished Ashley was there, because his presence was soothing even when he was acting like an asshole. But Ashley was off on a partying binge with CC somewhere and had left the three of them to do the late night interview.

“That’s another thing fans have noticed during concerts you’re acting quite bizarre lately, you’ve had at least two incidences where you were seen going to the ER, and based on some injuries sighted there’s suspicion there was fighting among the band.”

Jake answered that one because Andy had even started to think of a lie and the seconds were dragging on. “You know when you are on tour and in really close quarters tempers run high and stuff can get a little out of hand. There was a scuffle over some...issues and we worked it out and are stronger than ever.”

“Yeah.” Andy continued, now that he had figured out what he was going to say. “I’ve been having some--health issues lately, but the band as a whole is fine.”

“What sort of health issues?”

“It’s a private matter. I’d really not like to talk about it right now.”

“I’m sure your fans would be interested, you’ve always disclosed your injuries in the past and--”

“And this time I’d like everyone to respect my privacy.”

A sour look appeared on the interviewer's face at his firm tone. She shuffled the note cards she was holding, before asking the next question in a clipped voice.

“In that case, I’ll just be frank. Are you taking drugs like some many other young musicians have succumbed to over the past few years?”

“What? I’m not on drugs I--”

The interviewer cut him off and Andy could have sworn she had a disbelieving smirk on her face for just the hint of a second. “Okay, how about your recent incident of mooning a crowd and trying to attack one of your concert goers?”

Jake answered that one and Andy could tell he was being civil with difficulty. “That guy was asking for it, every concert we have to deal with some idiot and after awhile it gets to you.”

The woman was barely mollified by that remark but was quickly following up with another increasingly rude question. Andy wanted to leave, but he knew if he did his abrupt departure would only increase the rumours about him and confirm a lot of them.

“You’ve had considerable _weight gain_ recently, compared to your almost anorexic frame fans are used to you sporting. What’s up with that?”

“I, uh--” Andy broke off and the woman took advantage of his silence to speak.

“Fans are calling you fat, and considering your recent body weight changes how does that make you feel?” Andy glanced down at himself feeling self conscious. It was true he had gained quite a bit of weight, even so at his last OB appointment the woman had seemed concerned that he wasn’t gaining enough.

“The weight gain is connected to those recent health issues. The fans are allowed to think what they want to think. And yeah I’m gained a bit of weight, that doesn’t mean I’m fat and I don’t see how that’s an appropriate question to ask.”

The lady tightened her lips at his response but continued on anyways. “Another question that fans have been asking is whether or not you’ve been transitioning. Tell me about that.”

“Transitioning? You’ll need to be a bit more specific. Am I transitioning from to a different musical style?” Andy clenched his jaw and crossed his arms over his chest protectively and started talking even though he hadn’t given her a chance to reply. “Well the band as a whole is always in transition, we’re trying new things and you know how that--”.

The interviewer looked like she wanted to strangle him for being so purposefully obtuse. Her teeth were almost gritted as she said with ill disguised irritation. “Are you, Andy Biersack, transitioning from a man to a woman? Is that clear enough for you?”  
  


“No. I am not. Why would I be transitioning from a man to a woman? I’m not wearing dresses or skirts or anything like that...”

“How about bras?” At her question, Andy’s insides went cold. “Photos of you and your missing bandmate Ashley Purdy were snapped of you two bra shopping together just last week. Care to explain that?”

Andy froze, unable to speak. His eyes were wide like he’d been caught with his hands in the cookie jar. Before he could reply, Jinxx spoke up. “It was a dare. They were dared to go bra shopping by one of the crew. That’s all.”

“Then how about the one that Andy was seen wearing at that concert last week. The concert in which Andy basically had a meltdown on stage and attacked a helpless concertgoer.”

“For your information that heckler was calling me out, so he was in no way innocent or helpless.”

“And the bra was part of the dare. He had to buy one and then wear it on stage. No big deal.” Jake exchanged a glance with Jinxx and raised his eyebrow subtly tipping his head in the direction of the interviewer.

The interviewer asked a few more questions, each as rude as the last before she finally had stopped the interview. By the end of it, Andy was nearly in tears and shaking from anger. Mentally he vowed never to do interviews with that news company again.

When they got to the bus, CC and Ash were back. Ashley’s leather jacket was draped across a chair and there was a trail of crumbs from CC’s post drinking food binge but both were missing from the front of the bus area. Biting his lip, Andy went to the back where CC and Ash were bunking. To his right, he saw CC crashed out in his bunk. Rolling his eyes, Andy turned to the left, where Ash was laying down reading a magazine.

“Hey.” Andy gave Ashley a small smile, but it quickly faded as he realized Ashley wasn’t going to look his way.

“What do you want?” Ashley’s voice had a hard edge to it, and his speech was slurred. Andy bit his lip again, feeling the burn of tears. The urge to cry was harder to ignore as he noticed a smudge of lipstick on his neck and now that he was paying attention a whiff of women’s perfume hung around Ashley’s clothes.

“I wanted--I wanted  to lay down next to you for a little bit. The interview...it...it was a disaster.” Ashley finally gave Andy a look, but the look he gave him was cold and uncaring.

“So? You should have expected that after what we’ve been reading in the magazines and the web and what you did at the concert last week. Go lay down in your own bunk. I’m tired and these really are only meant for one person.” Fighting back tears, Andy stood there for a moment longer before he turned and shuffled back to the front of the bus. He stopped in front of his bunk and let out a sob before climbing into it, rolling onto his side. _What did he do wrong?_

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Andy gave up trying to sleep after a few minutes of restlessly tossing and turning. He stood up  walking towards the lounge figuring if he couldn’t sleep he’d watch TV or something. When he opened the door, he caught sight of Jake sitting on the couch with his Xbox controller in hand. On the screen was what Andy figured was probably one of the many Call of Duty games that Jake played.

“Oh hey, couldn’t sleep?” Andy looked up to see Jake glancing over at him a concerned look. Shaking his head, Andy slowly made his way over to where Jake was and sat next to him.

“No. All I could think of was that interview earlier.” Jake paused the game and turned to look at him, he seemed unsure what to say but after a moment said.

“Don’t let it bother you, that interviewer was just being an ass...Want to play? I have an extra controller..” Andy looked at the screen for a few seconds before shrugging.

“Sure. I could use a distraction.”

“Cool.” Jake leaned to the side snatching a controller from the far end of the couch and handing it to Andy.

“Here. Let me just go ahead and finish this match, then I can get us set up for a game.” Andy nodded and watched as Jake attempted to finish his match.

When he was done, Andy gave Jake a small smile of congratulations at Jake’s half yell of victory and then stared down at his own controller.

It didn’t take long for Jake to get their game started. Andy focused on the game, and grinned a little when Jake cried out as Andy sniped his character a minute later.

“You cheated!”

“No I didn’t, You’re just slow. You left yourself wide open there.” Jake gave a snort of amusement.

“Yeah yeah. I just didn’t expect you to get up there on that perch so quick.” Andy snickered as he sniped Jake’s character again.

It wasn’t long before Andy was soon on the receiving end of the kill shots. After the third death in a row, Andy bit his lip as he tried to fend off the thoughts of Ashley from earlier that night.

“Hey Jake?”

Jake answered him without turning from the game. “Yeah?”

“Why does he hate me now?”

Jake turned in his direction at that comment, losing focus on the game. His character died horribly on screen and Jake briefly turned back frowning before pausing the game. “Who?”

“Ash. He’s been ignoring me and he refuses to even talk to me sometimes.”

“He’s been what? Damn it.” Jake ran a hand through his hair. “This isn’t--it isn’t about you.”

“It isn’t? Because it feels like it is. He doesn’t touch me, he barely talks to me and--tonight I saw …” Andy trailed off.

“You saw what?” Jake prompted.

Andy bit his lip. “It was nothing--”

“Nothing wouldn’t have you this upset.”

“It was lipstick...I saw it on his neck.”

“What? Damnit Ashley! You just don’t get it.” Jake slammed his controller down onto the floor, causing Andy to jump. Tears came to his eyes as he worried he was to blame. Obviously he had said something wrong, but what?

“I don’t g-get what?” Andy set his controller down on the seat next to him and pulled his knees up to his chest.

Jake glanced at him, and his jaw was clenched and his eyes were glinting with anger. Andy quailed under the glare, until Jake’s expression abruptly softened.

“I didn’t mean you..I meant Ash. We talked to him...the three of us, me, Jinxx and CC.”

“About what?”

Jake’s jaw tightened again. “About everything these past few weeks and his behavior.”

Andy waited for more, but Jake was silent. Tentatively Andy spoke up. “What..Did I do something wrong?” Andy could feel himself starting to panic. “Did Ash say what I did wrong? If..If I did something wrong I’ll….I’m sure I can try to make up for it…”

“Andy you didn’t--” Jake started to say but Andy didn’t hear him he was too busy running over the events of the past weeks in his head trying to find what had changed things between them.

“Is he mad because of that lunch with my parents? Or --or does he not want the baby anymore or--” Andy felt Jake’s hands on his shoulder and he gave him a shake.

“Stop--just stop. None of this is your fault.”

“But--”

  
“Come here.” Jake reached out pulling him close. Andy gave no resistance and instead let himself be pulled into a strong embrace with Jake. The tears finally fell freely, soaking into Jake’s shirt.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter of UE...kinda sweet and fluffy and then next chapters things are going to take a different turn...things still aren't settled between Ashley and Andy and they are going to get worse...a lot worse before it gets better.
> 
> Also great news! For all who follow us, and subscribe we've had quite a few people inquiring about a sequel to Like a Virgin and we can say now that it is most definitely a THING. We're over 10k in and it's turning out to be a multichapter story in it's own right...look out for more updates on when the story will be posted. And enjoy this chapter.

Andy squinted at the scale in front of him, his eyes were blurry which was something that had popped up a week or two ago but seemed to be getting worse not better. Even with his poorer vision he could see the number was 3 pounds less than it had been. He had lost more weight instead of gaining it.

That he blamed on vomiting. It had gotten so bad these past few weeks he had finally given in and started a prescription for Reglan, which didn’t even seem to be making a dent in his symptoms. Andy put the scale away and got dressed. He snatched the bottle of water he had taken to carrying around up and took a several long swallows. That was another symptom that had cropped up, he was always thirsty. He started towards the kitchen to get some food then abruptly changed direction as another need made itself known.

Andy stopped in front of the closed bathroom door and nearly cried from frustration he had go to so bad. He reached out knocking on the door. “Can I please get in there?”

Ashley’s voice responded from behind the closed door. “I’m in here taking a dump, for christ sakes Andy what the hell is so important you have to interrupt?”

“I have to pee.” Andy waited shifting from foot to foot and seconds away from holding himself. He added when Ashley didn’t immediately respond. “Unless you want me to piss the floor and myself then…”

“Okay...okay I’m coming out.” There was a few moments pause as Andy heard water being run and plastic being tied then Ashley opened the door. “It’s all yours..” He trailed off and raised an eyebrow. Andy had waited so long he had resorted to holding himself in an effort to not make good on his threat.

Ashley grinned. “If you need some alone time Andy, you could have just said that.”

“Bite me.” Andy muttered hurrying into the bathroom. He yelled as Ash pinched his behind on the way past.

Ash started to say gladly, but Andy had already slammed the door in his face.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

They were going to yet another appointment. The OB appointment three days ago hadn't gone well. The obstetrician had been very concerned about his weight loss and all his other symptoms and had insisted on running more blood work and other tests. It had come back with an elevated glucose, which apparently was quite high and she was concerned he had diabetes.

Andy immediately started blaming himself for eating the wrong foods or not exercising enough until she told him, it was probably nothing he did and because he was well below normal weight there was nothing he really could have done to prevent it... _probably._ Andy still couldn’t help blaming himself.

Then she had ruined his day even more by telling him he was going for another test son and explained that one. So far Andy didn’t like it. He hadn’t eaten or drank anything (except water) since the night before which was over ten hours ago, so of course he had spent a good portion of the morning throwing up bile.

His stomach hurt from that. He had hid in his bunk as everyone else ate breakfast and CC had forgot he wasn’t supposed to eat anything and brought Andy breakfast in bed. Which had only made Andy more angry as he saw the scrambled eggs and peanut butter toast and couldn't eat it.

Andy walked in and struggled not to yell at the receptionist when she asked how he was doing this morning. Instead of swearing at her he opted to sit in a chair (near to a garbage can) and let Ashley fill out the paperwork.

It was only about ten minutes after that...but it felt like hours before he got called to the exam room for his test. A nurse in pale green scrubs walked up and gave him a cup of some thick orange liquid.

Andy stared at her feeling murderous. “What is this? I thought I actually got to drink some juice or something.”

“It’s glucose solution, that’s what we need you to take for the test.”

Andy frowned wanting to protest more but the other part of him just wanted to get it over with. He grabbed the paper cup and started to swallow only to begin gagging as the sickly sweet fruit flavoured liquid hit his tongue. The nurse added unhelpfully. “Don’t throw it up, you need to keep that down for about three hours, or you’ll have to drink more and restart the test.”

Andy was so close to homicide. He glared at her but she seemed unfazed by his expression as she took the paper cup back and said to Ashley. “Make sure he doesn’t eat any food also. We tell patients that but the temptation often becomes too much.”

Ashley nodded. “I’ll watch him.” Andy felt betrayed. He glared at Ashley, already formulating a plan to wheedle food from him as they walked back to the waiting room.

“Just some crackers?” Andy started desperately. Ashley turned to look at him as they settled in chairs.

“No. You heard what she said.”

“Please Ash.”

Ashley didn’t say anything, and Andy felt close to tears. “You just want me to hurt, my stomach is killing me, I’m starving. Please, just a few saltines or even graham crackers?”

Ashley frowned looking even more upset than Andy did. “No, I don’t want you to hurt.” He reached out wrapping an arm around Andy’s shoulders.

Andy sniffled leaning into Ashley’s embrace. Ashley was still talking and Andy tried to focus. This was the first time Ashley had held him in weeks. “I just want what’s best for you and the baby. Diabetes is serious and you’ve been feeling really run down, this test will help the doctors get to the bottom it, plus...after this we can go eat anywhere and anything you want.”

Andy perked up at the mention of food. “Really?” He must have sounded disproportionately excited because Ashley laughed and then kissed his forehead.

“Yeah Really.”

Andy started to say what he wanted to eat then stopped as his stomach lurched unpleasantly. He waited hoping it was gas but  as it lurched again, pulled away from Ashley’s arm, His eyes were desperate as he searched for the bathroom sign.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m going to throw up.”

“You can’t.” Andy turned to look at Ashly his eyes narrowed.

“I so fucking can. That orange stuff tasted like satan’s fruit flavoured ass crack and I--”

Ashley chuckled at Andy’s analogy, but Andy wasn’t finding anything funny. He was feeling sicker by the minute and started to tell Ashley off only to stop as he felt acid dance up once again in his throat.

Bathroom...right.

Ash caught his elbow as he turned to leave and reminded him. “If you throw up, you’re going to have to drink it again.”

Andy froze, turning to glance at Ashley feeling horrified. His body was begging him to go puke and make it all better but logically he knew it would all just start again. He put a hand over his mouth trying to stop himself from puking. Andy eased himself back down into his seat his hand still fastened tightly over his mouth, Ashley was watching him with furrowed eyebrows.

“Just take deep slow breaths and..don’t throw up.” Andy nodded, too busy feeling sick to tell Ash to shut up like he wanted to. Instead he threw up in his mouth a little and faced with the possibility of having to restart the test swallowed it back down. Ashley noticed and grimaced. “Did you just? Ugh--”

Andy glared at Ashley, then lowered his hand and leaned back in his seat. The nausea wasn’t gone, it lingered making him have to swallow every few second as saliva filled his mouth.

“You want a few sips of water.”

Andy shrugged but didn’t stop Ashley when he pressed a bottle to hips lips. He took a few sips to rinse his mouth out then pushed the water away and tried to relax. It was hard to do when he felt slightly dizzy, and was so sick he would have given just about anything to go vomit right then.

Andy closed his eyes barely breathing trying to will himself to feel better. It felt like only seconds had passed before he felt a gentle poke to his shoulder, Andy ignored the sensation not daring to move. He felt someone poke him again after a few seconds and opened his eyes fed up and ready to snap at Ash. The words he had been about to say died on his lips at Ash’s expression.

He looked worried and it was obvious Ashley watching but unable to do anything to actually make him feel better was driving him crazy. “Do you think you’d feel better if you laid out?”

Andy shrugged, not wanting to risk speaking.

“Well, you could try it? There’s a couch across the waiting room there.” Ashley pointed and Andy turned to see a beige sofa that was more like a Loveseat than a couch...but it would be better than a hard waiting room chair.

“Yeah, let’s mov--” Andy broke off feeling a sudden full feeling in his throat, he couldn’t get his hand up in time and was grateful when it was just a burp.

“I’m going to grab you a puke bag real quick.” Andy nodded too miserable to do anything else. He waited until Ashley came back and then they moved. Ashley sat down at one end and Andy sat down, feeling a little dismayed as he realised there wasn’t exactly enough room for him to lay down.

He started to lean his head back only for Ashley to stop him. “If you lay down on your side with your head in my lap and kinda tuck your feet up, I think you’ll fit. Plus it’ll be easier for me to rub your stomach.”

Andy hesitated, not used to how Ashley was acting compared with his behavior over the past few weeks. But ultimately his discomfort won out. He laid down like Ashley had indicated, resting his head on Ashley’s thigh and closing his eyes, he felt Ashley’s hand drift under his shirt gently massaging his belly.

It felt like something close to heaven, Andy relaxed into the feeling. After awhile he asked Ashley for the time, assuming that at least half an hour had to have gone by.

Ashley was apologetic. “It’s only been ten minutes.”

Andy groaned and Ashley sighed. “See if you can fall asleep? I’ll wake you up when it’s time.”

“How am I supposed to sleep feeling like this?”

“Try?”

Andy grumbled under his breath, but abruptly stopped as he felt a hand gently carding through his hair. He hadn’t thought he could fall asleep feeling as bad as he did, but within minutes his eyes felt heavy and he drifted into a light doze.

Andy was shaken awake by gentle hand on his shoulder. “Wha’?” He blinked his eyes open and was surprised to see Ashley looming over him until he remembered where he was and why he felt so sick.

Carefully he maneuvered himself into a seating position and took several swallows before tentatively standing. He felt wobbly and he staggered slightly. Ash caught his elbow looking even more worried.

“Are you dizzy?”

“A little bit.”

“Walk slow then.”

Andy nodded in response and then followed the nurse back to the exam room with Ashley tagging along at his side anxiously. He sat down in a chair waiting for the nurse to get a blood sample and was expecting a small finger prick until he noticed her getting a needle out.

“What are you doing?”

“Getting ready to draw your blood.” She moved closer and lifted his T shirt sleeve out the way so the crook of his elbow was exposed and reached out to swab it with an alcohol wipe when Andy jerked it back.

“I thought you were going to poke my finger.”

The nurse shook her head. “For this test we need an actual blood sample.”

“I already feel horrible and you’re going to stick me with one of those?” Andy felt close to crying at the injustice of it all.

“I’m sorry sweetheart, that’s how the test is done. Four blood samples, the first two thirty minutes apart the last ones an hour.”

“Four times?!?” Andy turned to Ashley. He couldn’t do this his stomach was aching, he was the most nauseated he had been in weeks, and the thought of being stuck four times had tears coming to his eyes. “I can’t do this.”

Ashley tried to calm him down but Andy couldn’t listen. “Ashley tell her I can't do this. I won’t.”

“Didn’t the obstetrician explain the test?” The nurse sounded sympathetic but confused.

Andy had tears trickling down his cheeks, Ashley glanced at the nurse. “She did, I don’t think he was paying attention much after she shocked us with saying he might have diabetes.” He bent down trying to comfort Andy again, rubbing a hand soothingly down Andy’s back.

Andy was getting more and more upset, eventually he wound up gagging and Ashley held the barf bag for him. He tried to hold it back but the smallest mouthful of saliva came back up and without thinking he spat it out.

Ashley started to pass him a tissue for his mouth, but Andy ignored him instead staring in horror at the spit in the see through bag. All he could think about was how he was going to have to start the test again, and without warning he broke into sobs scaring both the nurse and Ashley.

After a moment he managed to gasp out the answer to their increasingly worried questions. “I--I have to start again, I can’t do that...I can’t--please don’t make me--”

The nurse started to chuckle and Andy wanted to slap her. _This_ was not funny. Before he could act on his thoughts of violence she had said. “That’s just a little saliva, if you _vomit_ like a lot then we have to restart okay?”

Andy wasn’t feeling okay, but after a few moments managed to calm down enough so she could draw his blood. After that he and Ash returned to the waiting room but Andy couldn’t sleep waiting for the next blood draw.

Thirty minutes after the first true to her word the nurse came like a smiling vampire, and took more blood. Andy cried during the draw and held Ashley’s hand. When they were done with the second blood draw, Andy and Ashley went back into the lobby.

Andy sat back down on the loveseat, feeling tense and upset. Ashley sat next to him then after a few minutes of silence said “You want to try laying down again? You’ve got an hour or so before they take more--”

Andy heard him break off as he no doubt registered the look on Andy’s face. Andy was trying hard not to start sobbing again, so he bit his lip and said brokenly. “I can’t sleep.”

“Oh.” Ashley paused obviously trying to figure out what to do, abruptly he said. “How about we leave here?”

Andy turned to look at him, frowning. He wanted to get out of the stuffy office, but knew he had to finish the test. Ashley guessed what he was thinking. “I don’t mean leave and not come back, but we’ll go for a walk or something. When we were driving here I saw a park nearby...we could go there?”

It took a moment of thought before Andy nodded. “Okay. You think it’s okay to leave? I mean what if...what if they need me for something? Or...There’s something wrong and they need another blood sample? What if we’re gone too long and they miss a draw and I have to restart--”

Ashley snorted and wrapped his arms around Andy’s shoulders before replying, “Andy, it’s okay, we won’t be gone too long. Just long enough to get you out of that stuffy building and relaxed.”  
  
“But what if-” Ashley quietened Andy by placing a kiss on his lips. When he pulled away Andy frowned at Ashley.

“Will it make you feel better if I asked about it first?” Andy nodded. “OK. I’ll go ask. Stay here.”

Andy rolled his eyes and watched as Ashley strode up to the reception desk. When he left the desk, he had a big smirk on his face.

“Yes we can go ahead and go to the park, as long as we’re here in time for the nurse to take the next blood draw.”

“Okay. I’ll go to the park.”

Once they were at the park Andy’s attention was drawn to the playground where a bunch of children were playing. Ashley led them to a bench near said playground before putting an arm around Andy’s shoulders. Andy leaned into Ashley, resting his head on Ashley’s chest. They both watched the children playing. Andy rested a hand on his small baby bump.

“What do you think it’ll be?”

“Do I think what will be?”

“The baby. Do you think it’ll be a boy or a girl?” Andy looked up at Ashley who frowned thoughtfully. It was a few moments before he spoke.

“Y’know, I’m not sure. I’d like either really. Or maybe one of each?” Andy smiled started to smile until he realised just what Ash had said.

“One of each? Twins Ash?” Andy continued. “If you want twins you’re going to have to have the second kid yourself. Besides the doctor already saw only one baby”

“There’s been cases of a second baby hiding behind the first on ultrasound and then--” Ashley stopped at his horrified look. Andy was having a hard enough time being pregnant with one child, the thought of finding out in a few weeks he was carrying two had his heart beating faster.

“I’m just joking Andy, I’m sure if you were pregnant with another kid, you’d be a lot bigger now.” Andy was somewhat mollified by that and before he could dwell too much on the thought of twins Andy had turned to the original question.

“So about a boy or girl… Either one is fine as long as the kid watches football.”

Ashley snorted. “What about Batman? Have you forgotten about him already?”

“No, Batman isn’t a choice.” Andy grinned up at Ashley who laughed. “You know the baby’s room is going to be Batman themed right?”

“What? No way. There has to be Hello Kitty in there.” Andy sat up and gave Ashley a narrow look.

“Blasphemy! You can _not_ replace Batman with a pink cat.”

“Hello Kitty is not _pink._ She’s white with a _bow,_ and a pink _dress_.”  
  


“Same thing.”

“Not the same thing. White and Pink are two very different colors. That’s like saying Superman and Batman are the same person.” Andy was silent for a moment trying to think of a come back. He frowned when he couldn’t come up with anything.

“Compromise? How about both?” Ashley looked at Andy thinking about his compromise before smiling.

“It’s a deal. Hello Kitty Batman room.” Andy laughed and cuddled up next to Ashley again.

They lapsed into silence for a few more minutes before Andy spoke again. It was something he hadn’t really thought of until now, but it was something that needed to be discussed.

“What about names?”

“Baby names?”

“Yeah, baby names.” Andy glanced at Ashley, waiting for his answer before looking back at the playground and all of the kids that were playing.

“Hmm, that’s a good question. What about something like Annie for a girl?” Andy sat up and gave Ashley an unamused look.

“No way. Our child is not going to be named Annie. She’ll be teased about it forever, or have you forgot ‘Little Orphan Annie.’”

“What, I liked that name.”

“Well I don’t.” Andy at up a little straighter not budging on his point, he could see Ashley was wavering so he followed up with a name suggestion of his own. Casually he said. “How about Harley?”

Ash made a face, and seemed to hesitate. “I don’t hate it but....I don’t know.”

Andy added since Ashley hadn’t shot him down. “We could do Bruce for a boy?”

Ashley frowned even more and started to say. “Bruce...that--” He stopped abruptly and narrowed his eyes as his face changed from mild dislike to irritated understanding. “We _are not_ naming our child after Batman!”

“But, Ashley come on Harley is cute and--”

“How would you feel if I said let’s name our little girl or boy Kitty?”

“That’s entirely different! Kitty sounds like a porn star or something, Bruce is a nice normal name and Harley sounds like--”

Ashley cut him off. “A Batman character. It sounds like you opened a comic book and named our daughter after a character in the book.”

They got into a heated (though friendly) argument about names with neither conceding points until Ashley suggested. “We’re never going to agree on names unless we set some ground rules.”

Andy narrowed his eyes, expecting Ash to set the rules in _his favor_ only to be surprised as Ashley responded reasonably. “Neither of us go for comic books, or Hello Kitty or football team members, etc...and we’ll stick to “a” names. Deal?”

“Deal. How about Allison?” Andy watched Ashley’s face turn thoughtful, at the suggestion.

Ash said after a moment. “I kinda like it. Okay what about middle name?” Andy smiled as Ashley’s free hand made it’s way towards his small little bump of a stomach.

“Hmm That’s a good question. How about Leigh?” Andy raised an eyebrow at Ashley.

“Where did that come from?”  
  
“It just came to me.” Andy shrugged.  
  


“Oh... Allison Leigh. Sounds good to me. What if it’s a boy?”

“Hmmm, we could go with Anthony?”

“Yeah. That’s awesome.. What about Christopher for the middle name?” Ashley suggested still massaging him.

“I like it.”

“Okay so it’s settled then. Anthony Christopher for a boy, and Allison Leigh for a girl.”

“Awesome, now the hard part is done.” Andy sat forward and gave Ashley a frown.  
  
“What are you talking about, _I_ still have to give birth.”

“Right, sorry. It’s one less thing to worry about. How’s that?”  
  


“Better.” Andy yawned, feeling tired after hours of restless sleep and the lack of food caught back up to him. Talking to Ash had taken the nausea from the forefront of his mind and he felt better, but he also wanted the testing to be over as soon as possible. He shifted so his head was laying on Ashley’s leg and muttered sleepily. “Wake me up when it’s time, will you?”

Ashley wrapped his arm tighter around him, and said. “Sure.” Andy drifted off to sleep in Ashley’s arms.

It was time to wake up all too soon. He started  to stand with Ashley’s help and felt all the blood drain from his face and was lightheaded. Quickly before he could pass out he sat back down. Ashley immediately noticed. “What’s up?”

“I felt like I was going to faint.”

Ashley frowned. “I shouldn’t have came out here with you. It’s kind of hot and you haven’t eaten and what was I thinking.” Ashley ran a hand through his hair, still berating himself frustratedly.

Andy stopped him. “It’s not your fault. And coming out here was definitely a good idea, I don’t think I could have gotten through the rest of this test without some fresh air.” Ashley still looked upset so Andy added. “I’ll be good to walk in a minute or two after I get my bearings.”

Ashley looked uncertain still and started to say something else before his face brightened. Before Andy could figure out why, his question was answered as Ashley slipped an arm under his knees and one under his back and lifted Andy into his arms.

Andy yelped at the sudden change of altitude and quickly laced his arms around Ash’s neck. “What are you doing?”

“Carrying you. What does it look like?”

“I’m fine you can put me down.” Andy continued. “Besides I weigh too much for you to be carrying  me all the--”

  
Ashley laughed at that. “First of all you’re not as heavy as you think you are. Second, I don’t care whether you think you’re fine. I know you’re not and whatever happens I’m _going_ to take care of you... always.” Ashley sounded more firm than usual and the last sentence sank in as Ashley continued walking. It didn’t sound like just a half joke, it sounded like a promise.


	10. Chapter 10

 

They had managed to get back to the clinic in one piece. Andy had his second to last blood drawn, and then had fallen asleep until the last one. When they were finally all finished, he and Ashley had gone out to eat. The day had been relaxed and pleasant and Ashley hadn’t drank once (or Andy hadn’t caught him at least).

The next morning had been another curveball though, the results of the test were back and he had Gestational Diabetes. They had to go back to the office and Andy had come away with a whole packet of information about the disease, insulin syringes, and vials. He had to check his sugar before eating and then if it was high give himself a shot so it wouldn’t go higher. It sucked, but he was trying to make the best of it.

The OBGYN had been pretty adamant about him attending regular appointments and stopping touring for the duration of the pregnancy, but thankfully Ash had been in the restroom during that part and had missed what had been said.

Andy didn’t tell them. Part of him wanted to stop, but a large part of him felt like touring and being around the guys was the only thing that was holding him together. It was stressful waking up in a new city everyday and dealing with fans, the press, the crew...but  if he stopped now… he didn’t want to think of it...it was even more stressful thinking about being off tour and having to figure all this out on his own.

Ash had to be around him because of the band, but if they cut the tour off. Andy couldn’t help the thought that Ash would go off and leave him alone...sure he’d probably drop by occasionally, but spending days alone in an empty apartment or even worse moving back home with his parents had his heart dropping.

Not to mention he felt like crap most days, and even though he was trying to keep things under control and not be a bother, the other guys were a big help.

He had taken his evening insulin hours ago though, and settled down for the night, but he couldn’t sleep. What was bothering him most now was it had been almost four months since he had sex. It was late night on the bus and after restlessly tossing and turning for what felt like hours he had retired to the lounge. First he tried to play _Madden NFL_ on Jake’s game system, and when that had failed to keep his interest, he had turned it off and instead started watching TV.

Some late night movie, he didn’t know the name of was playing. The movie was only making matters worse, it was a romance and every other scene was getting increasingly raunchy.

After watching a few more minutes of people getting their clothes ripped off and passionate kissing. Andy couldn’t take it anymore. He quickly glanced around making sure the lounge was still empty and listened closely being sure he couldn’t hear anyone moving around the bus.

Once he was sure the coast was clear, he adjusted the blanket so his lower half was fully covered and slipped a hand down past the waistband of his pajama pants.

He found his clit and set to fingering it. The pressure wasn’t enough so he used the heel of his hand to add more, and slipped two fingers down lower inside himself trying to add extra stimulation. In the background, two people were moaning on screen and he could hear heavy breathing. It was a backdrop to his own struggle. Andy’s breath hitched and small pants of frustration escaped his lips as he writhe, moving his hips and hands and curling his fingers trying to reach what seemed to be an elusive climax.

He was so engrossed in his activities, that he didn’t register the sound of the lounge door opening or footsteps into the room. In fact Andy hadn’t really known anyone was into the room until someone had sat down on the couch he was on.

“Oh hey, looks like you’re watching something _fun_. What are you doing up late?” Andy pried open his eyes and looked over at Ash, who thankfully had his attention on the screen, and blushed heavily.

“Uhh, just watching movies. Couldn’t sleep again.” Andy’s fingers twitched inside of him, itching to start moving again.

“Again?” At that, Ashley turned to look at him.

Andy shrugged and tried to feign nonchalance. “Uh yeah, I haven’t been sleeping well.No big deal.” Andy could have strangled Ash at that moment in his frustration. He just wanted to be alone so he could finish (or at least try to).

“No big deal? You’re pregnant, you need all the rest you can get. Are you sure you’re fine?”

Andy nodded. “Yeah, totally.” Ashley gave Andy a look of suspicion before turning his gaze back to the TV.

Andy, however, was still as horny as ever and now had to deal with an unsuspecting Ash in the room. _Great_. Determined to get off, Andy started to slowly move his fingers again while keeping a watchful eye out for any sign from Ashley that he’d picked up on what Andy was doing. He could feel the pleasure from touching himself, but it was clear that his climax was playing hard to get, especially since he couldn’t move as much and had to keep quiet or Ashley would notice.

He stilled when Ash shifted, then laid down next to him, making it even more difficult to get himself off without alerting Ash. Andy could have cried at that moment, instead he let out a disgruntled noise.

Ashley turned to look at him frowning slightly and watching him closely. “I’m sorry is it okay if I lay here? I mean am I bothering you...Is this comfortable?”

Andy wanted to scream at Ashley to leave but managed to grit out. “Y-yeah this is fine.”

Ashley watched him for another moment, then made a noise in the back of his throat before going back to watching the raunchy movie that was still playing. After a few moments, Andy carefully started moving his fingers, slowly rubbing his clit and moving the fingers inside him, trying desperately to get somewhere. Unfortunately with all the interruptions, Andy found himself basically back to square one and seemingly further away from orgasm than ever.

His effort was once again been halted when suddenly he found his arms trapped from Ashley’s arm that had wrapped around his middle. Unable to hold it back this time, Andy let out a frustrated sob. Andy felt Ashley shift behind him.

“You okay? What’s wrong?” Suddenly Andy couldn’t hold the dam back anymore and started to cry. Ashley, now clearly worried, shifted so that he could look at Andy full in the face. “What’s wrong? Did I do something? Are you hurting?”

Andy shook his head and tried to wipe away the tears, only for more to replace the dried ones. “N-no.”

“Then why are you crying?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Nothing wouldn’t have you crying.”

Andy gulped feeling stupid for crying and yet unable to stop himself. “It’s dumb.”

Ash was looking more upset now. He reached out brushing a piece of Andy’s hair back. “Come on just tell me? Whatever it is we’ll fix it.”

That comment only had Andy crying more. There was no _fixing_ this. Mostly because Andy was half sure Ashley didn’t want anything to do with him, not like _that_.

“Is it the baby? Is it something you read? The--”

“P-promise not to laugh.”

Quickly Ash nodded, looking bemused and worried.

“I’m so f-fucking turned on, and I can’t get myself off.”

Ashley mouth opened and closed, and he was quiet for a few moments. “Oh.” He sat up straighter pulling his arm back from around Andy.

When Ash’s arm disappeared, Andy sobbed even harder but after a few seconds started back up, rubbing the folds between his legs with desperation. Ashley was still watching him and Andy was pretty sure he had a half a guess why the blanket was moving but Ashley just blushed slightly then looked away. Andy felt half embarrassed and half horny, and still very upset, though the horniness was increasing every moment threatening to drown out everything else. It was a few moments later when Ash finally spoke.

“So when I walked in you were…?” With tears still in his eyes, Andy nodded.

“Yeah. It’s been four fucking months since I’ve gotten any and I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

“Four months? Fuck…Why didn’t you find someone and ...you know.”

Andy stared at Ash blankly for a moment not comprehending and when he did he felt worse. Did Ash really think that poorly of him that he’d sleep with some random person to satisfy an urge when he was four months pregnant and they were still sorting things out.

“I only want you and besides it’s been just as long for you.”

Ash didn’t respond to that. Instead he looked away for a moment his face contorting into a weird half guilty, half sick looking expression. Before Andy could ask him what was wrong. Ash had turned back and asked a question of his own. “ Do you uh...need help?”

Andy stopped and pondered Ashley’s question for a moment. Ashley seemed a little awkward and hesitant about the whole thing, but Andy wanted to have Ashley touch him...had been wanting it for weeks --months actually--and Ashley _had_ just offered “Yeah...It’s been like a half an hour and I just can’t seem to get there on my own...it’s one of the reasons I haven’t been sleeping much.”

Ashley gave a small grin. “You’re going to sleep like a baby after I get done with you tonight.”

Andy looked back at Ash with wet eyes. “Is that a promise?”

“Yes.” Andy laid there and followed Ash with his eyes as he climbed off of the couch.

“First things first, we need to get rid of that blanket.” With a grin, Andy let Ashley take the blanket off of him and and toss it onto the floor.

Once the blanket was gone, Ashley crawled on top of Andy and leaned down, kissing Andy passionately. Andy reciprocated the kiss and leaned in, wanting more. Ashley’s hand, meanwhile slipped down to his pajama pants and under the waistband. Andy could feel his hands caressing the lace of his panties.

Ashley tickled him and Andy squirmed giggling, the tears almost forgotten. He playfully pushed Ash’s hands away and said mock sternly. “Quit playing, Ashley! Be serious.”

“Serious...right. That’s my middle name.” Ash grinned back at him, but set down to work, kissing him as he slipped a hand inside of Andy’s panties. Andy gasped once fingers started touching this clit, which in turn caused him to break the kiss. Ashley grinned at Andy and scooted down Andy’s body. The hand that had been inside his pajama pants pulled out and came to rest on Andy’s hips along with Ashley’s other hand.

Ashley pulled down the pajama pants along with the underwear in one swift move, leaving Andy naked from the waist down. Andy splayed his legs with his knees bent and intently watched Ash’s hands go back to his hips. One hand stayed there, while the other slipped down to where Andy wanted, no _needed_ to be touched.

“Right there.” Andy made a noise in the back of his throat when Ash’s thumb pressed against his clit a little. He rubbed the flesh there in a circle a few times before slipping two fingers into Andy.

A whine slipped from Andy’s mouth as the fingers started to move. It was amazing feeling, but Andy could tell it wouldn’t be enough. A few moments later, the fingers disappeared, causing Andy to open his eyes.

The sight that greeted him was dark brown eyes giving him an intense look before, Ashley’s head dipped down, so that Andy couldn’t see Ashley’s face. What followed felt utterly amazing as he felt Ashley’s tongue lick a trail down one thigh. He trembled at the sensation as Ashley’s tongue moved and he felt it caressing his folds before Ashley’s mouth was on his clit, sucking and probing with gentle thrusts of his tongue. Andy moaned, having a hard time keeping quiet.

It was made even harder when Ashley left his clit and Andy shuddered at the new sensation as he felt Ashley slip a finger inside of him, fingering him again for a moment before replacing the finger with his tongue.  

Ashley continued his ministrations for a good few minutes until Andy couldn’t help reaching his hands down and gently tangling his fingers in Ashley’s hair as he writhed with pleasure. He was so close, and yet he could tell it _still_ wasn’t enough.

Andy wasn’t sure how Ashley would react to the revelation, but he was so aroused, logical thought was gone the words were blurted out without real thought. “I want you to fuck me.”

Ashley faltered slightly but ultimately didn’t stop, as much as Andy wanted him to continue. He wanted Ashley's dick more. Andy repeated his words and this time Ashley raised himself up a little.

His face was flushed as he stared at Andy. Andy propped himself up slightly and reached down, groping Ash’s groin. “I want you inside of me.”

Ashley flushed and bit his lip. He looked torn. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why?”

“Because...because of the baby.” Ashley sounded like he had seized on that reason abruptly. “This isn’t a good idea for the baby, I don’t want to hurt you and the baby by--”

“Having sex?” Andy felt Ash up more, before Ashley pulled away awkwardly. “I can feel you want this.”

Ashley rocked back on his heels, the frustration in his face, only a fraction of what Andy felt. “I don’t think this is a good idea, for the baby, for you. For us...the guys said….”

“The guys? What do they have to do with us having sex?” Andy continued feeling more and more frustrated and that was causing tears to prick his eyes. “It’s not like they’re going to have sex with me.”

Ashley’s eyes widened at that. “D-did you ask them?”

“No.” Andy snapped out the word in a muffled voice. (Not that he hadn’t thought about asking them though. How did you explain to your best friends you wanted--no needed-- to have sex and it was all totally platonic...not to mention he only wanted Ashley anyway even if the others would have.) The answer was you didn’t ask for favours like that, Jake, Jinxx and CC had been supportive but he doubted any of them would have agreed if he had asked.

“Oh...okay. Andy I still don’t think--”

Andy broke into sobs at what he could tell was Ashley’s next round of refusals. “You’ve been laying next to me and you were holding me...but it’s because you feel sorry for me right? I’m fat and bloated and ugly, and have small breasts that are barely there and you probably want a real woman, one of those blonde haired groupies like the women you have on your arm. I’m not good enough. I’m never good enough.”

Ashley looked like he had been slapped in the face. Andy was sobbing too hard to see the hurt on Ash’s face, but he started as he felt a hand gently caress the side of his face. “That’s not it you’re beautiful...I don’t want to hurt you… and if we have sex...it’s just sex...It’s not...” Ashley trailed off and Andy felt hands on the side of his shirt pulling it up before he knew it the shirt was over his head.

Nimble fingers pulled the clasps from his bra a loose and then Andy was completely nude. Ashley seemed to stare at his breasts for a moment and Andy felt self conscious, they were barely an AA cup at that and he felt so inadequate. But after a minute, Ash’s warm hands were running over his chest and then he leaned down, taking a nipple in his mouth and sucking until Andy tossed his head back reveling in the sensation. After likewise attending to the other nipple, Ashley eased off him reaching for his own zipper and starting to undo his pants.

As Andy watched him, he felt a sudden pang of guilt. Ashley was getting undressed and they were going to have sex but he wasn’t sure if Ashley actually wanted to or was just doing it for him and that made him feel worse. He tried to keep the tears out his eyes as he said. “It’s okay, if you don’t want to. I mean, I was pretty close just with you going down on me and --”

Ashley stopped him, kissing his lips, before pulling away and getting back to undressing. “I want this. I’ve been wanting you for weeks.”

“Really?”

Ashley kissed him again. “Really. You’re fucking gorgeous.” He pulled his pants and boxers down in one move and kicked them off. Andy stared at his naked body hungrily.

Ashley leaned over him again and Andy could feel the heat radiating from his skin. His voice whispered in Andy’s ear. “Remember you asked for a rain check, now’s the time to cash that.”

Andy stared up into Ashley’s dark eyes and let his tongue play over his lips. He wanted Ashley so much it was a physical need like oxygen or water. Unable to stop himself, he edged himself downward, so he was pressed firmly against Ashley’s leg which was between his. He grinded against Ash’s thigh and moaned again as the sensation made his whole pelvis tingle with desire.

Ashley for his part seemed to be even more turned on at the sensation of Andy’s wet folds against his leg. Andy grinded on Ashley’s thigh a few moments longer before he reached upwards wrapping his arms around Ashley’s back and pulling him close. Ashley's hands were at his breast fondling him, and his mouth was on his neck, licking, kissing, sucking. He kissed Ashley back on his neck, tasting the sweat on his skin. As Ash moaned he turned his attention downward, kissing every inch of skin, until he got to his collar bone, emboldened by Ash’s increased cries of pleasures, Andy bit down.It was a primal urge more than conscious decision, He had intended it to only be a nip, but as Ash gave a yelp and jerked backwards he realised it was quite a bit harder.

“Ah!” Ashley looked surprised more than in pain. Andy felt his face flush more as he saw the darkening mark on Ashley’s collarbone, part of him was a little embarrassed, but a large part of him was even more aroused to see the mark on Ashley and know that he had made it. It was like a claim and Andy felt a vindictive pleasure to think the next groupie that tried to come onto Ash would see it and know he had been fucking someone else.

Ashley was grinning now. “You want to play rough Biersack?...” He leaned over Andy again so he was whispering in his ear. “We can play rough.” Andy felt Ashley’s teeth nip his neck and moaned at the sensation, then the moan became a groan of even more pleasure as Ashley sucked his neck, he knew he would have a huge hickey in the morning that probably would be difficult if not impossible to hide, but right then it didn't’ matter.

After a few moments he felt fingers slip down exploring him, the fingers slipped inside and fingered him for a moment before he felt them slip out. Ashley stared at him directly as he slowly licked his fingers which were still wet. Andy felt almost insane with desire and then Ashley was kissing him a little breathlessly. “You’re so fucking wet...I think you’re ready for me babe.”

He felt Ashley readjust himself so he was situated more in the middle between Andy’s legs. He seemed to hesitate again, even though Andy could tell by his dilated pupils and the way his skin was flushed that he was well past arousal...and if that wasn’t a clue the erection that Ashley was sporting was more than enough. Andy was surprised Ash was able to think of anything but fucking however he did.

“Are you comfortable? Do you want to change positions?’

Andy reached down grabbing Ashley’s penis in his hand. He used his fingers to massage Ash’s length as he spoke. The words he said were echos from over four months ago.

“Ash someone once told me...fuck first...talk later.”

Ashley looked blank for a moment, then gave a laugh as the drunken memory came back. Then he kissed him again and slowly pushed himself inside.

Andy involuntarily clenched down as he felt Ash enter him, it felt like every nerve ending was at maximum. Andy relaxed after a moment, and felt Ashley slid in the rest of the way, as he started thrusting Andy tilted his hips up, arching his back slightly trying to bring him and Ash as close as possible. Wordlessly he felt Ashley slip a pillow under him so his hips and buttocks were supported and that gave Andy just the right angle for him to take the rest of Ashley in.

As Ash started to thrust in and out of Andy again, Andy couldn’t help but think of how much better the sex was this time around. “This is so much better sober.”

“You’re sure it’s not just because this is your first time in four months?” Ashley teased. “You’re all hot and wanting to be fucked?”

Andy moaned a little halfway distracted by how Ashley was fingering one of his nipples. His words came out disjointed. “Maybe, but it’s been just as long for you.” Andy wasn’t really thinking with more than half his mind about what he was saying, the great majority of his brain was occupied with how great everything was feeling.

He opened his eyes back up as Ashley faltered a little in his rhythm. His face had a weird expression, almost like he was about to be sick.

“What’s wrong?”

Ashley looked down at him, meeting his eyes and some emotion flickered behind them for a moment before they cleared and he said. “Nothing…” Ashley paused for a moment then abruptly grinned. “Since it’s four months I think you probably need some practice.” Ashley kissed him then, darting his tongue out and twinning it with Andy’s. After a long moment he pulled away. and raised his eyebrows mischievously. “Maybe I could teach you some stuff you’ve forgotten.”

Ten minutes later, they were still going at it, but Andy could tell Ashley was doing his best to hold back until Andy reached orgasm. Every few strokes he would change position slightly, or slow down. Andy was so close he was right on the edge, he reached a hand back down thumbing his clit. He was feeling a little embarrassed taking so long to finish. Ash surprised him by reaching down and placing a hand gently on Andy’s baby bump. “God...You’re so beautiful” Just like that it was enough. With the sounds of their panting and Ashley touching his pregnant abdomen, Andy felt himself finally reach the edge he’d been looking for. It was an explosion of pleasure within him, so overwhelming he couldn’t breathe. Andy couldn’t help but shout as wave after wave of the orgasm hit him.

“Fuck, Ashley!”

Andy’s whole body was trembling, he’d had orgasms before that had been good. But this one made all the others seem like nothing. It was a full five minutes before he stopped trembling and finally became coherent enough to speak in full sentences. Ashley had came already and was looming over him looking worried.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re sure because you looked like you were in pain for a moment or two and you were trembling and--”

“My stomach cramped a little bit at one point...it’s okay I’m fine now.”

Ashley didn’t look reassured. “Your stomach cramped? Is the baby okay? Are you okay? is--”

“Relax Ash, it’s perfectly normal.” Andy gave a naughty grin. “I’ve been reading up on this stuff. Pregnancy orgasms for the win, finally something good with all this weird shit going on.”

“Oh okay, maybe you should rest now. It’s getting late some sleep would be--”

Andy pouted. “What if I’m not ready to sleep.”

Ashley half frowned. “We can watch another movie.”

“Or we could do something else.” Andy sat up and reached down grabbing Ashley’s now flaccid length.

“I’m pretty sure I can’t go again so soon”

Andy grinned. He didn’t know exactly why...maybe because it had been four months since he had last been with someone. But he was horny again...almost as much as the first time. “I think we can have some fun while we’re waiting.”

Andy pushed Ashley down so he was lying on his back and then situated himself so he was straddling Ash’s thigh. He leaned down taking the head of Ashley’s penis in his mouth while simultaneously he began grinding down on Ashley’s thigh. It took a little maneuvering to make the position work. Ash started half snickering a few seconds into it.

“You’re going to have a stiff neck in the morning.”

Andy took his lips away from Ash for just long enough to say. “I don’t care.”

“You’re that horny huh?” Andy didn’t respond so Ashley continued. “We could do a sideways sorta 69 thing...It would be a little awkward with your freakishly long legs...still might be easier than explaining to the guys the reason you need a cervical collar in the morning was because you were sucking cock.” Ashley started full out chuckling as Andy flipped him off, but switched his mouth out for his hand.

He was so turned on, five minutes later he had climaxed again this time just from playing with his nipples and grinding against Ashley. A few minutes after that he was ready to go again.

By the time Ashley was ready for the party and Andy found himself riding him. Ashley was playing with Andy’s breasts when he said conversationally. “That’s about four orgasms in thirty minutes. What turned you into a ravenous sex beast.” Ashley was grinning as he said it.

Andy managed to pant out in between riding Ash hard. “We’re going to blame this on the baby.”

“I feel like that’s an excuse used for everything.”

“That’s because it’s a valid one.” Andy started to say “You try being pregnant and--” He broke off abruptly as a wave of pleasure coursed through him, his toes curled and he felt himself clench hard around Ashley’s erection and then he was riding the waves of another orgasm.

A few hours, and many orgasms later. Andy and Ashley had gone through half a dozen positions and both were tired. Andy cuddled against Ashley’s chest, lying there feeling sleepy. “That was amazing.” Andy whispered nuzzling up closer to Ash.

“Yeah.” Ashley agreed. He shifted slightly pulling Andy closer. “We should probably clean up and go back to our bunks before everybody else wakes up and catches us.” But he made no move to get up.

It was odd how Ash had phrased it ‘catches us’ instead of ‘finds us’ or something similar...like having sex was something they weren’t supposed to do. Still, Andy sorta understood, halfway through switching positions with Ash he had looked up as he heard the door to the longue slip open...it hadn’t opened any further so Andy had chucked it up to wind or something. However, the thought of someone walking in on him and Ash had him blushing.

“We’re both adults we can have sex...I mean the guys know we...you know ….did it before….I’m pregnant. And it’s our business what we do right?”

Ashley murmured something that could have been yes or no in agreement. He was being really quiet for some reason. Andy glanced upwards looking at his face, trying to read if there was something wrong in his expression. He didn’t see anything obvious. Ashley looked sleepy and content..with maybe a hint of worry and for some reason guilt.

Andy stretched his head up kissing Ashley lightly. “Don’t worry it’s going to be okay.”

“What is?”

“Everything.” Ashley didn’t respond so Andy added softly. “Ashley..I love you.”

Ashley didn’t say anything in reply and Andy convinced himself it was because he hadn’t heard the half whisper. The words weren’t important Andy reassured himself as Ashley held him tightly--actions were what was important.


	11. Chapter 11

 

The last week had been a bit of a rollercoaster ride for Andy. Instead of feeling better he was feeling a lot worse, depressed was the word he would have used but he didn’t want to bother the guys. And Ashley? Well, he couldn’t figure out if Ashley cared or not so he kept his mood to himself. It was just the hormones, he tried to convince himself, but all throughout his pregnancy he had been feeling down and it was getting worse, not better.

Being in the second Trimester, he was supposed to have gotten rid of Morning Sickness, but unfortunately for him, it stuck around (as well as the cravings). Then on top of that he had to stick himself with needles before nearly every meal. It sucked and Andy was really tired of that _and_ watching his blood sugar so closely.

Rumors and speculation were growing even wilder as people ranged from theories about how he was trans to how it was some elaborate plot for attention. Andy knew he shouldn't. But he couldn't help reading the blogs, YouTube comments, magazines, etc. that seemed to pop up everyday about him. He also knew he shouldn't care, but it still hurt when he read the comments. Plus he was even more worried now about telling people the truth and that in turn was causing him to put it off for as long as possible. And the thought of inevitably confessing made him more anxious.

The worst part though, was Ashley. The morning after they had slept together Ashley had become progressively more distant. It had been subtle at first, but now he was barely talking to him. He still came to appointments (or had at least promised to) and they discussed the band and everything, but Ash wouldn’t interact with him in any other way except on stage to keep up appearances. He made excuses for them not to cuddle together. When Andy tried to lay in his bunk next to him Ash didn't outright refuse but he would get up and leave as soon as possible all while making excuses. Ash hadn't done anything more than a quick peck on the cheek since that night either. Andy had walked in on Ash jerking off to something on his phone but when Andy had tried to initiate sex, Ash had zipped up and walked away.

Andy couldn’t figure out what he’d done to make Ash stay away from him and each day as Ash’s ignoring him increased Andy felt worse. The last OB-gyn they had an appointment with had scheduled an amniocentesis. When Andy had mentioned he had a genetic abnormality the doctor had been concerned the baby might have some issues related to that, so Andy had gone into the test a little worried.

Ashley hadn’t come. He had been at every appointment and test so far, but this time he said he wasn’t feeling well and CC had volunteered to go instead. Andy tried to convince himself Ashley was just sick and that was the reason for his absence, but still something felt off.

The test had gone well. So far, the baby was fine and even though the regular ultrasound hadn’t been able to tell the gender of the baby yet, the amniocentesis showed it. CC had been excited about seeing the ultrasound but when they found out the baby’s gender his excitement had the whole waiting room laughing and clapping. Andy couldn’t help smiling too, CC’s mood was infectious. The only part he felt bad about was everyone assumed CC was the father and Andy wished it had been Ashley yelling with excitement.

They got back to the hotel everyone was staying at and CC immediately led the way to tell the others. They found Jinxx in Jake’s room sitting on the edge of his bed talking about something. CC yelled out without preamble.

“We found out what the baby’s gender is!” Before Andy could stop him, CC had yelled it out. The others all let out yells of excitement.

Andy smiled and said wryly. “Thanks for letting me be the one to tell everyone CC..really considerate of you.”

CC looked slightly chastened at that. “Ooops sorry.” He immediately brightened. “This is so exciting though. Andy do you have the pictures?”

Andy passed over the ultrasound pictures and let CC show them off while he glanced around realising Ash was nowhere in sight. He tapped Jake on the shoulder. “Where’s Ashley?”

Jake pulled himself away from CC’s gushing over the baby’s ultrasound with difficulty. He was smiling as he said. “What? Oh yeah...ummm Ashley’s been in his room. I haven’t really seen him much today….now that you mention...last time was around breakfast.”

Andy frowned. He was already thinking about the possible reasons for Ashley’s absence..and past experiences had him thinking the worst. He jammed his hands in his pockets and tried to look casual as he said. “So is he drink--”

Jake immediately cut him off. “He’d better--” He stopped and changed. “I don’t think so...he said he wasn’t feeling good. He wouldn’t miss the test you had in order to drink. He’s probably sleeping in because he’s sick or something.”

Andy nodded. Preferring to believe Jake’s words rather than think Ash had skipped out so he could get drunk. He put on a smile. “Let’s go wake him up. Ashley’s been wanting to know the baby’s gender for ages.”

Five minutes later Andy was leading the way to Ashley’s room. The worry had faded away as he kept thinking about Ashley’s response when he found out the baby’s gender. _He would be so excited...Andy hoped._ Andy glanced at the room numbers until he found Ashley’s.

Andy thought about knocking, but decided he wanted to surprise him. He had the key Ash had given him to use in case of emergencies so he used that to open the door and walked in followed by the other guys who had tagged along to see Ash’s expression at the news. The sight that greeted him when he opened the door and walked in, however, managed to wipe the smile off of his face and kill his mood instantly.

Before him, was Ashley with two women. He was lying in bed with a blonde haired woman riding  him. The other woman, who had dark brown hair and a tattoo down one arm, was just to the side and was kissing the blonde haired woman while Ashley played with her boobs.  

Ashley hadn’t noticed they were there, and the women hadn’t either. Maybe it was because the hotel bed was facing away from the door...or maybe it was because all three of them were too engrossed in what they were doing.

As Andy watched for what seemed like an eternity, Ashley slapped the tattooed woman’s ass and made a heart-clenchingly lewd comment. “That’s right gorgeous. I want you to be a bad girl...I want you so fucking wet when it’s your turn to be fucked.”

The woman pulled away from kissing the blonde for a moment and smiled at Ashley. “You want me really wet? Let’s put your tongue to use.”

“Gladly babe.”

Before Andy could say anything, the tattooed woman had swung a leg over Ashley’s head, straddling his face as she settled down. She went back to kissing the other woman, but it was clear by the muffled moans she was making Ashley was following through with her suggestion.

Andy stared at them with his mouth wide open. He could feel his chest tighten and his stomach turned as he watched Ash laying there having sex with not one, but two women. The words he had been about to say died unheard. Around him he could hear the others starting to react. The noise finally caught the three lover’s attention. The blonde haired girl was the first to react, she gave a nervous squeak as she saw them standing in the doorway. It took the tattooed woman longer to notice and then she too gave a startled gasp. Ashley became aware they were no longer alone when the tattooed woman slid off his face.

He started to say something to her then froze as he turned his head and looked directly at Andy.  It was painfully silent and everyone stared at each other.

The blonde broke the silence. She gave a nervous giggle. “Ooops should've locked the door.” She obviously didn’t get the picture because she gave another nervous giggle and then said, “Can you guys shut the door.” She grinned naughtily. “Unless one of you wants to join in.”

She was still riding Ashley as she talked and Andy felt sick as he watched her hump him.  
  


“Get off.” Ashley sounded angry as he shoved the blonde away. He sat up, his face red. He was still fully erect and Andy could see his condom clad penis still wet from the other woman. The sight made Andy want to throw up.

He couldn't understand what was going on...or maybe he just didn’t want to. Sure he saw Ash was fucking someone else but the rest of it had him feeling numb and confused. The _why_ of it all didn’t make sense.

Ash hadn't went to his appointment for the baby. He'd obviously lied about not feeling well. They had been having sex last week and now Ashley was fucking someone else. He felt hurt, bewildered, disgusted, angry. It was a confused tangle of emotions.

His face must have showed it. Because Ash started with excuses.

“Andy? What…..it…..This isn’t…” Andy watched as Ashley stumbled in his excuses and the tears  continued building. The tattooed woman, Andy noticed from the corner of his vision, slid off the bed and started to pull her clothes on.

“I think I should go now.”  She darted past the four bandmembers and then was out the door.

The blonde woman looked confused. “What is going on here?” She turned to Ashley and pouted.

“Make them leave!”

Ashley looked pissed, and glared at her like somehow she was responsible for all this. “Alicia--”

“It’s Marianne!”

“Whatever...get the fuck out of here!” He threw her clothes at her and Andy saw a bra and thong go flying. His eyes burned. Ashley was trying again. “Andy, I--”

“Don’t say one fucking word to him.” CC snapped. Andy felt a tear fall to his cheek as CC stepped slightly in front of him protectively.

Ashley ignored CC and started to say something else only to be cut off by the blonde woman who had grabbed her clothes and pulled a top on but had her lower half still nude. She looked back and forth between Ashley who was sitting on the edge of the bed now and the rest of them still standing in the doorway. “What the hell is this? Are you gay? You’re with Andy? Is that what this is--”

Andy couldn’t take it anymore. He felt something snap inside of him and then before he knew it had pushed past CC and yelled. “Get out!”

The woman looked like she wanted to say something else, but she quickly pulled on her jeans and left as Andy screamed again. “I want you fucking out of here!” He had tears dripping down his cheeks and was breathing heavily as she finally left.

Then it was just the band.

Jinxx started in. “What the hell is this, Ashley?” Andy couldn’t say anything, he was trying to keep from sobbing.

Ashley didn't answer that. Instead he said. “Andy...you--you weren't supposed to find out like--I--I---”

Andy managed to speak with difficulty. Ash's words rang in his ears… _Find out like this._ “How long have--l-last week we…” Andy broke off unable to speak. He felt used.

“I didn’t know you were going to get back early and ….”

Jake jumped in. “You've got some mother fucking nerve making excuses.”

Ashley turned defensive. “You guys had no right to open the fucking door.” He said the words angrily but everyone could see he was just trying to play for time.

“We had no right to open the door?” Jake repeated the words incredulously “That’s all you can say when we just walked in on you fucking not one but two chicks?”

“He had every right to open the door, you gave him a god damn key in case of emergencies. Second he was coming to tell you something about your child.” CC took a step forward as he spoke.

Ashley looked at Andy at that, his expression was curious. “Really? what is it? Is everything okay?”

“Like you give a fuck.” Jinxx said. Ashley bristled at that, but Andy was already replying in between heavy breaths.

“We found the baby’s gender today.” His voice was barely above a whisper, but somehow Ashley had still heard it.

“Seriously? That’s awesome what is it?”

Andy wasn’t sure if he wanted to tell Ashley, but he didn’t get to make that choice because CC stepped forward again his voice dripping with anger. “You don’t deserve to know.”

“It’s my fucking child, of course I have the right to know!” Ashley finally had the decency to pull on some boxers as he yelled.

“You skipped your child’s appointment to have an orgy!”

“It wasn’t a fucking orgy, it was just sex. Or was until you guys interrupted..” Andy noted Ashley's lack of remorse for not attending the appointment with anguish.

“It’s not just sex when you were happily fucking Andy last week, it’s not.” Jake’s voice was angry, with barely controlled rage bubbling under the surface.

“What? How do you even--”

“How do I know? You thought you’d keep it a secret, have your cake and eat it too?” Jake gave a mirthless half laugh. “I accidentally walked in on you two, and I was actually happy to see you two together and thought you had finally made a fucking decision to stop fooling around and commit. But I see I was wrong.”

“That was just sex! Tell them Andy! He was just horny last week. It didn’t mean anything.”

“Wow, you just don’t get it, do you?” Jinxx was shaking his head.

“Don’t make out like I’m the fucking bad guy. Andy practically begged me to fuck him, I _told him_ it was just sex, that it didn’t mean anything at all. With _him_ it was just sex, just now this was _just_ sex.”

“You were fucking cuddling him, you kissed him, you should have realised what you were doing even if he didn’t! It wasn’t just sex!” Jake was yelling now. “We told you to make a decision, and as usual you chose to hurt him again.”

“That’s not--I mean.” Ashley turned to look at him, and Andy had to blink back a haze of tears.

He could remember that night he and Ash had spent together vividly. And he remembered the words he had said before they had fell asleep. He sobbed out them now his voice so broken they were almost indecipherable. “I told you I loved you...and I meant it...but you--” Andy broke off hiccuping.

Ashley looked devastated and moved forward trying to place an arm around him. Jake stepped in front. “Don’t, just don’t.”

Ashley swallowed but didn’t move past Jake. “Andy I care about you too--”

Andy noticed how he didn’t say love--how he didn’t say anything of substance really. He finished Ash’s comment for him. “But you don’t love me? Not like I love you--probably not at all...it was just sex right?”

There was silence at that and Andy after a moment couldn’t bear to listen and fled the room, shoving passed CC who watched him leave with worry. All he could think about was how calmly Ash had said last week didn’t matter.

If last week didn’t matter, then had Ashley been lying about the baby mattering too?

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Ash watched with a rapidly beating heart, as Andy fled the room. _Shit._ He’d made messes before, but somehow he got the feeling this had been the worst yet. As the weight of his latest screw-up hit him, Ashley took a few steps back and collapsed onto the side of the bed.

“I can’t believe you! You’ve done some pretty stupid things before, Ashley Purdy, but this….this one….. You are the stupidest man I know! You know how Andy feels about you. You KNOW he wears his heart on his sleeve and that he puts his whole heart into what and _who_ he loves, yet you keep willingly crushing it after getting his hopes up! You’re just another womanizing bastard that likes playing with the feelings of others. You don’t deserve Andy” Ashley looked over to Jake as he spoke and watched as he clenched his fists tightly.

“The part that pisses me off the most is that you even purposely missed your own child’s appointment, missed finding out the gender of your _child_ to have a party with two bimbos! And the worst part? You’re not even drunk! You made a conscious choice to do this!” Jinxx’s voice was angry, but Ashley noted the deadly calm underneath. Jinxx had gone ghost white with anger, his face was harder than Ashley had ever seen.

He walked a step closer and it was all Ashley could do not to take a step backwards. “I warned you, Ashley. I warned you and you still didn’t listen. I said back at the ER when you first found out he was pregnant not to hurt him. If it wasn’t for the fact that Andy still cares for you as much as he does I’d hurt you so bad you’d wish you were dead...or.. .”

Jinxx took a few more steps closer and Ashley unconsciously stepped backwards, before he knew what was happening Jinxx had slammed him against the wall pinning him there. His fingers were digging into his throat and Ashley could barely breathe. His said the next words with such anger and conviction Ashley didn’t doubt him for a moment. “Or I’d kill you myself.”

Ashley was wondering whether Jinxx was going to make good on his threat right then and there because he showed no sign of letting up. Jake grabbed Jinxx starting to pull him away. “Let him go man. Let him go.”

Jinxx shook Jake’s hand off.

“Jer...Jeremy...let him go! You’re going to make yourself sick again! You’re already stressed out enough by all this.”

Ashley gasped and coughed as CC and Jake managed to pull Jinxx away. After a moment he slid down the wall and put his face in his hands. He lifted his head in confusion as CC’s words finally registered.

“Sick? When was Jinxx sick?”

Jake didn’t answer that. “Do you ever think about anyone but yourself? Fuck you Ashley!” Jake glared at Ashley before looking at Jinxx in concern. Jins was breathing hard but otherwise looked okay.  When he was sure Jinxx wasn’t going to collapse or keel over, he turned a heated gaze back to Ashley. “When you and Andy went to that first ultrasound, Jinxx was supposed to come but he was sick because he was busy babysitting you and taking care of Andy. Something you _should_ have been doing from the very beginning!”

Ashley stared at the ground, remorse washing over him. “I...I tried to let him down nicely….I wasn’t….I didn’t want….I wasn’t trying to lead him on. Last week...it really was just supposed to be sex...I hadn’t realized….I didn’t mean to turn it into something more. When Andy said he loved me…...I didn’t say anything….I just hoped he’d have let it go and tried to stay away. I didn’t want to hurt him..”

“Yeah, well you did. You have got to be the most clueless idiot I’ve ever met, and I’ve met quite a few. You are such a selfish asshole!” Ashley tangled his hands in his hair as he listened to Jake’s words. He didn’t want to admit this, but he had a feeling he needed to. He took a deep breath trying to calm himself slightly before he started to speak.

“I’m...I’m scared, okay? I..I’m scared to commit. I’ll be a terrible father. I don’t even know _how_ to be a father. I know..I know I have a drinking problem, and I know I’m an asshole most of the time..I sleep around and can’t even keep a relationship. I don’t deserve him..I don’t deserve Andy loving me and everytime I try to let him move on...I mess that up and can’t.” Ashley stopped as his breath hitched. “If..if something happens to Andy...I’m not fit to be a dad.” It was silent for a moment before Ashley continued again. "So now do you see why I can't be with him? I know I shouldn't have slept with those women, but I was trying to forget him. And maybe I was even hoping I'd be caught a little bit so he'd just give up and walk away...I didn't mean for it to turn out like this though."

“Dude, do you hear how messed up that all sounds? Instead of making excuses, you need to ask yourself...Do you love Andy? And cut the rest of this bullshit.” Ashley looked down at the floor at CC’s questions. _Did he love Andy? That wasn’t the question...the question was could he do what was best for them both and **stop** loving Andy?_

Jake snorted and didn’t give him a chance to answer CC’s question. “CC we’re done with what _Ashley_ wants and what _Ashley_ fucking feels.” He stepped forward his voice firm. “You’ve gotten multiple warnings now, Ashley. So we’re making the decision for you. Stay away from Andy. If you don’t, we will fuck you up or I’m sure Jinxx here would love to make good on his promise.”

Jinxx took a step forward, causing Ashley to look up. “You need to pull yourself together. This is getting ridiculous.” He turned from Ashley with an expression of disgust and looked at both CC and Jake. “We should to go find Andy and make sure he’s okay.”

Jake and CC both nodded and started to leave the room after Jinxx, who didn’t even glance back at Ashley. CC was the only one that looked back, showing a hint of concern for a second before he left, leaving Ashley alone to his thoughts.

He had to stay away from Andy. It was probably for the best, but Ashley couldn’t help feeling like he had lost everything. As the door closed behind his bandmates, a tear rolled down his cheek.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

It was clear after fifteen minutes of searching, Andy was nowhere to be found. They checked all the rooms (because each of them had given Andy a key incase he needed something during the night), the bus, the hotel lobby, pretty much everywhere they could think of. They had tried Andy’s cellphone and of course he wasn’t picking up, nor had the crew seen him either.

CC was trying to be calm but inside he was freaking out. They had split up and were searching floor by floor. CC reached for his cellphone to text Jake and see if someone had found Andy yet and found his pocket empty. Swearing he started towards his room, where he remembered he had forgotten his cellphone on the night stand.

When he got there he snagged his phone and started towards the door only to notice his bag was dumped on the floor, contents strewn around like somebody had frantically searched for something. Considering his phone and some other expensive items were still there it wasn’t a thief...maybe some nosey maid looking for a souvenir?

CC swore again, pissed at the world in general, only to stop again as he heard something that sounded faintly like a sob. He froze glancing around, and had started to walk on figuring he had imagined it. Then he heard it again, he turned around wondering where it had come from until he saw the door to the balcony was partly open. Carefully CC walked over, opened the door up, and time seemed to stop as he caught sight of Andy covered in blood.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has material that may be triggering to some readers. If you wish to find out what the triggers are prior to reading scroll to the end notes. We also provide a synopsis of the chapter for those who are reading the story but would prefer to avoid possible triggers.

 

Andy pushed past CC, Jinxx, and Jake running down the hallway. He couldn’t get what he had seen out of his head. He just wanted to be by himself and knew that when they guys were done talking to Ash, or whatever they were doing, they would come and try to talk with him. He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want Jinxx to say it would all be okay, or CC to try to cheer him up, or Jake to rationalize everything.

There was nothing they could do to make this better, nothing anyone could do. Ashley didn’t want him because Ashley realised he was a freak. He didn’t deserve Ashley. Ashley wanted a real person, not someone who was half man half woman, like so many people throughout his life had told him.

He had thought Ashley cared about him, and maybe he did, but he didn’t love him. How could anyone love him? He was a fake, a liar, and a freak. Everything that had happened over the past few months came crashing down on him, the rumours, the interviews, all the things fans had said about him, the remarks and side looks of people at stores, what Ash had said and done...it was too much. He had thought he could handle it but that was when it was him and Ashley….he didn’t want to do any of this alone...he couldn’t.

Andy thought about hiding in his room or the bus but knew those were the first places they would look. He had a key to CC’s room and wasn’t really sure why he went there except that he could hear footsteps and worried the guys were coming for him.

Thankfully CC’s room was nearest and empty. He opened the door and slipped inside. He had to pee so he went to the bathroom and that was when he saw a packet of razors on the counter. It had been ages since he had done this..but he still remembered the temporary release from the pain he had inflicted on himself. It was odd how physical pain seemed to have taken away some of his emotional hurt back then...maybe it would do the same now. Before he grabbed them, Andy hesitated just a second before snagging the razors.

As he walked back into the main part of CC’s hotel room, he noticed the suitcase on the Queen-sized bed. It was then that he remembered that CC had been given good pain killers after his dislocated shoulder and broken finger. With little hesitation, Andy immediately went over to the suitcase and unzipped it.

He wasn’t sure what exactly he planned to do with them, but the thought of taking something to ease the pain he felt inside himself and just get away from it all for a while had him searching. As his initial efforts failed to find the bottle of pills, frantically, Andy grabbed the entire thing and dumped everything to the floor before throwing the bag back on the bed.

“Where is it?” Andy knelt down and started searching through CC’s stuff. _CC didn’t bring a single pair of underwear with him on tour? Weird._ When he found the bottle, he grabbed it and stood back up looking around. Spotting the floor length curtains that were covering the balcony door, Andy started towards it, only to pause as he saw a bottle of Whiskey next to the hotel room TV. _What the hell might as well add more to the party,_ he thought ruefully.

Once outside with the Whiskey, razors, and pills Andy closed the door behind him, attempting to make it appear as if the door and curtain had never been disturbed in the first place. He sat down on the cold floor of the balcony and set everything next to him. The tears started to fall harder than they had before as he tried to calm down, only for despair to wash over him again. After a moment, Andy picked up the bottle of whiskey and opened it, staring at the amber liquid in the bottle but refusing to take a sip just then.

He was so stupid for thinking that anyone would ever want him. Andy set the bottle down, and wiped angrily at his tears. Grabbing one of the razors, Andy brought up his left arm shakily. The first cut was ironically across his scissors tattoo. It stung at first as the razor cut into his skin. He relished in the familiar feeling of blood oozing down his arm for a moment. The pain was real and at first it provided the escape he desperately needed.

After a few moments of letting the blood ooze down his arm, Andy realized it wasn’t enough. He didn’t have that euphoric feeling of release he did before, the feeling of physical pain to ease the emotional pain. With a frustrated sob, Andy made another cut into his arm, and then another. Andy kept adding more cuts, until his arm was a mess of criss-crossing lines up and down his entire forearm.

“Fuck!” Andy leaned forward and sobbed into his arms, smearing blood across his face as he did so. Looking up, he threw the blade across the balcony and watched as it slid across and over the edge. Staring at where the blade had disappeared to, he sat up and walked over to the edge of the balcony. He stared down at the ground far below and half heartedly contemplated what it would be like to jump.

 _He was only four or five stories up; he could jump, but there would be no guarantee he’d die quickly,_ Andy realized.

He stared down a moment longer, but turned away in frustration. He just didn’t want to hurt anymore...he didn’t want to fuck himself up more, and falling five stories but not dying would definitely be in the fucking up more category. Not to mention a slow death would give the guys time to try to have paramedics save him. More tears fell and Andy turned back angrily staring at the open pack of razors still holding blades, the whiskey, and finally the bottle of pain pills.

Grabbing the bottle of painkillers, Andy opened the lid, albeit clumsily (since his hand was slick with the blood flowing down his arm already). He had thought about taking one or two just so he could sleep---for a long time, but impulsively he tipped the bottle out in his palm and emptied it.  He opened his mouth and poured the handful of pills in his mouth, before grabbing the whiskey and washing them down. Andy looked back at the bottle and set it down as he stared at the city from the view with tears streaming down his face still.

A thought tickled the back of his mind. _It wouldn’t be that hard to jump...no one would really care...this way would be so much easier...five stories was enough he would die right?_ As if on autopilot, Andy stood up and stepped over to the railing. _Who would miss him anyway?_ He grasped the metal tightly and looked down with a sob. His stomach leapt up into his throat as the realization of how high up he was, hit him. Andy started to lift his leg, but stopped as he heard the door slide open. _NO! Not now...I’m so close..._

“Andy? What are you doing?” Andy turned towards the door of the hotel room and swallowed as he looked at CC. CC looked bewildered until he saw Andy’s bloody forearm, the fat red drops of blood spattered around the balcony, not to mention the open pack of razors, and the bottle of whiskey.

“Shit, are you--” CC broke off. It was too obvious what Andy had been doing. Even still Andy tried to lie his way out. He tucked his still bleeding arm behind his back and used the other to wipe some of the tears from his face.

“I’m fine--I’m fine--I’m…” Andy trailed off as the tears started up again in earnest. He didn’t bother to say anything else, CC could tell it was lies anyway of that he was sure. Instead he sank to the balcony floor hugging his knees against his chest. CC came closer crouching down to his level.

Andy tried to pull his arm back but CC grabbed it staring at the cuts dripping blood. “You are _not_ fine. You’ve got blood all over your face and …” CC bit his lip and Andy watched as he quickly pulled his bandana off and started wrapping it as a makeshift bandage around the cuts in Andy’s forearm.

As he worked he asked. “Why did you do this? Is it because of Ashley? Because it’s not worth it...he’s not worth it.”

Andy sobbed even harder at that and CC who had finished wrapping up the wounds looked up concernedly. Andy whispered brokenly. “I’m not worth it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m a mess. I wasn’t supposed to get pregnant, I wasn’t supposed to be with Ashley. I’m too much of a freak for him. Everyone hates me or is going to..when I tell the truth to everyone about what I am..they’re going to hate me. Ashley was trying to be nice but I know he’s disgusted with me. I know you all are.” CC looked like he wanted to say something else but Andy quickly continued. “Ashley was right when he said it was just sex, I was the one being stupid. I thought he actually wanted me...but I asked to sleep with him. He was reluctant and I see it now he was just doing it out of pity.”

CC pulled an extra bandanna out his pocket and wet the corner with some spit before he began wiping the blood stains from Andy’s face. CC was quiet for a long moment and Andy didn’t bother to break the silence. Finally when he spoke his voice was quiet and gentle. “Andy when you came out here with the razors and whiskey what were you planning exactly?”

Andy turned his head not meeting CC’s eyes. “I just wanted this all to end..I’m tired okay?” He turned back to CC staring at him for a moment before dropping his gaze. “I’m tired of people hating me, I’m tired of trying to make this whole thing work, I’m tired of of being hurt.”

“So you cut your arm?”

Andy shook his head. He could tell CC was trying to understand why he had done it but he wasn’t sure if he could explain it all. He blurted out the answers in quick bursts. “It used to make me feel better a long time ago...and I thought now...I drank some whiskey...I thought about jumping..and I took some--” Andy broke off realizing he still had the pills inside of him and the quantity he had taken might be enough to end it all.

CC noticed his sudden quietness and looked even more worried. Andy couldn’t help glancing at the pill bottle that had rolled across the balcony and CC followed his gaze before Andy could glance away.

“Fuck” Andy watched as CC quickly snached up the bottle and all the blood drained from the drummer’s face. “Andy how many of these did you take?”

Andy shrugged refusing to answering.

CC came closer and crouched by him again this time shaking his shoulders. “Answer me damn it! How many did you take! The bottle was still almost full.”

Andy still didn’t answer CC looked like he was panicking. “You’re pregnant Andy okay, if you don't care about yourself you care about the baby right? You don’t want anything to happen to her, right? She’s your little girl that you’ll get to hold and love.” CC was obviously trying to appeal to whatever he could to make him see reason.

Andy hadn’t thought about the baby when he had started trying to hurt himself, he had only wanted the pain to end. Now that he actually thought about being pregnant and possibly harming the baby he was torn. He wanted to end it but he couldn’t bring himself to fully go through with it, especially with CC going crazy over him.

“I took the whole bottle.”

CC blanched even further. Andy tried to resist as CC grabbed his arm pulling him upward, but the drummer’s wiry strength was unyielding.

“Where are we going?”

“You have to throw those up, you fucking poisoned yourself.” Andy tried to pull his arm away and when that didn’t work, yelled at CC.

“I don’t care. Maybe I want this--maybe I want to--”

“Don’t you dare say it.” CC turned to him, his voice and demeanor vicious. Andy was taken aback at the panic, anger, and determination in that were so vivid in Chris’ expression. “Those are Norco’s, they’re not just narcotics they’ve got tylenol in them. You’ll damage your liver if you don’t throw up even if we get you to the hospital, so you have to puke them up.” Andy didn’t say anything but he didn’t move either. CC softened his voice, clearly trying to get through to him. “You don’t want to die...You’ve got family, friends, you’re pregnant for christ sakes….I know you and you’re not that selfish that you’d throw your life away like this! What about everything you’ve told our fans about staying strong and holding on?”

Andy let CC drag him to the bathroom. He crouched in front of the toilet but made no move to do anything else. Despite what CC had said he was still on the fence. Before he could decide, CC took matters into his own hands. Andy felt him grab his head and then the drummer’s fingers were down the back of his throat. He tried to squirm out of his grasp, but was too weak to do anything.

Andy gagged and then retched bringing up liquor laced bile. He managed to stop after a few moments and saw half disintegrated whitish pills floating in the toilet, but CC wasn’t satisfied. Before Andy could twist away CC had once again stuck his fingers down his throat, it was several more rounds before he finally let Andy collapse back sobbing and panting against the porcelain tub.

“We’re going to the hospital now, get up.” Andy blinked back tears still sobbing and looked at CC. The drummer had pulled out his cellphone and was obviously about to call someone.

Andy reached out grabbing the phone while simultaneously getting to his feet and backing up. The last thing he wanted to do was go to a hospital. He had been to a psychiatrist when he was younger after his parents had forced him to go when the bullying at school had been at its worst. To say he had hated the sessions was an understatement. He was well aware if he went to the hospital like he was now they would probably keep him. He remembered that from his past sessions how the counselor would always ask if he was thinking about hurting himself and had told him if he was then she’d have to report it so he could get some ‘help’. Of course back then he’d lied and said no.

“What the hell? Andy give that back.”

“I’m not going to the _fucking_ hospital!”

“You just tried to kill yourself! You don’t get a say in this.”

“You’re exaggerating, I’m fine. I was just upset and--”

“Slicing your arm open like a piece of meat, drinking whiskey when you’re four months pregnant and taking a whole fucking bottle of pills is not exaggerating!”

Andy shook his head backing even further up until he was pressed against the tub. “I told you I’m not fucking going and you can’t make me!”

“That’s it, give me the phone, I’m calling the guys and--”

Andy hadn’t thought about that--everyone else finding out what he had done. They already thought he was weak and worthless this would only make it worse...especially if Ashley found out...then he would think he was even more of a freak. Andy broke out in tears again, as CC reached for the phone he impulsively dropped it. He saw CC crouch down to grab it and Andy stomped on it hard, feeling satisfaction as he felt plastic and glass shatter.

“I’m not going!” Andy yelled again. Before he knew what was happening, CC had closed the distance between them and pinned Andy against the wall with his arm across his chest and shoulders. “Get off me!” He could feel CC’s fingers groping in his pockets and tried to pull away. “Get the fuck off me.” He managed to pull halfway from CC and when CC didn’t fully let him go he turned around kneeing him.

CC let go of him then as Andy’s knee caught his groin. He fell to his knees, one hand holding between his legs, the other hand had Andy’s cell phone which Andy realised CC must have stolen from his pocket during the tussle.

Before he could stop him CC has speed dialed Jinxx and gasped out. “He’s in my room.” He didn’t say anything else to Jinxx because he doubled over breathing heavy and holding himself.  After a moment CC looked up, white faced. “Shit, I can’t believe you did that.”

Andy was torn between apologizing to CC who was obviously in pain, or leaving before the guys arrived. In the end he hesitated a minute too long. Jinxx and Jake’s footsteps thundered into the room. Andy turned to run, finally reaching a decision and found them standing in the bathroom door right behind him.

They took in the scene in one quick glance, Andy standing there in tears with a blood-stained bandana on his arm, CC kneeling on the floor in obvious pain, the smell of vomit and blood mingling in the narrow confines.

“What the hell happened?”

“Nothing--” Andy started to say.

CC cut him off, trying to get to his feet. He stood with difficulty turning pale. “Andy tried to kill himself--”

“I didn’t--”

CC overtalked him. “I found him on the balcony with booze, razors, and a pill bottle. He was covered in blood and sliced his arm open, he was drinking and he took all the painkillers that were left over from what the doctor gave me.”

“He’s lying--” Andy avoided the other's gaze as they looked at him.

“I’m not fucking lying. I made him throw them up they’re still in the toilet.”

Jake and Jinxx took a few steps closer and Andy knew they saw the evidence still there so he changed tracts. “I took them, but only because--” Andy broke off as there wasn’t a lie he could think of that even began to make sense. In any case he could see everyone believed CC.

“He..Andy needs to go….to the hospital.” Andy looked to CC and swallowed at the pained look on the drummer’s face before he looked back at Jake and Jinxx. He shook his head with tears in his eyes.

“Please...please don’t make me go..” Andy’s voice broke as he said those words and collapsed onto the edge of the tub. Jake and Jinxx both crouched in front of Andy with concerned confusion.

“Why did you do this?” Andy sniffled and shook his head before putting his face into his hands. He felt hands pull his hands away from his face, only to see Jake staring back at him. _He’d screwed up so bad._

“Andy..why did you try to kill yourself?” Andy glanced at Jinxx then Jake before he turned his gaze to CC and then the floor of the tub.

“I wasn’t--I mean--not really--I’m tired of all this--nothing I ever do is right--I’m a freak--and after today---I just want this over--I’m tired and I don’t want--to do this alone” Andy gasped the words out in between sobs.

“Hey, today was just a bad day. You are NOT a freak. Stop saying that.”

“Jake is right, Andy. It’s just one bad day. We’re going to help you through this. You’re not alone , okay?” Andy didn’t reply. Behind them, they heard CC groan and dart to the toilet. With a wince, Andy looked away as Jake and Jinxx turned to CC with worry.

“Hey what happened to CC?” Andy tried to avoid answering, but it didn’t work as Jake brought his face back so that he was staring at them.

“Andy we need to know. What happened with CC?” Andy stared at Jinxx and Jake trying to avoid answering.

  
“I...he had me p-pinned to the wall. I don’t want to go to the hospital and he was trying to make me...”

“Andy focus.” Jake frowned wrinkling his forehead in worry. “Please tell us what happened so we can help CC...”

“I kneed him...I meant to get his stomach but.... He wouldn’t let me go!...” It was a moment before either of the guitarists replied.

“You kneed him in the balls?” Jinxx made a face. “Ouch.”

Jake gave a glance in sympathy at CC who had stopped retching and was kneeling in front of the toilet panting. “Well if that’s the case, he should be okay it hurts like a bitch but it won’t last long.”

Jinxx nodded. “Yeah, the person we need to worry about is you. You need to get checked out. You took all those pills and your arm is fucked up.”

“I’m not going!” Andy watched as Jinxx and Jake shared a glance. Jake started to say something but CC interrupted with a loud retch followed by a moan that had everyone turning towards the drummer. His fingers were clutching the toilet bowl with one hand while the other still was holding his crotch like somehow he could take the pain away.

After a moment of pained heaving CC turned to look at Jake. “The pain’s not going away...it’s getting worse. Something is wrong.” CC tried to get to his feet and on the second try succeeded. He leaned heavily against the sink. “My stomach hurts, I feel like I can’t stop puking and my junk hurts really really bad.”

Andy felt even worse as he heard that, but before he could apologize Jinxx had asked. “Like how bad?”

“Bad.”

“Worse than when your shoulder popped out?”

CC nodded not able to speak and Andy could see tears in his eyes. The drummer swallowed before saying. “I’d rather dislocate my shoulder again.”

Jake glanced at him and Andy quelled under the stare mistaking the guitarist’s concern for placing blame. Andy started to apologize yet again but Jake was already speaking to CC. “If you’re hurting that much we need to get both you guys to the hospital.”

Andy straightened up at that, he felt like shit about injuring CC but he had no intention letting them take him to a hospital where he’d be locked up on a psych unit. “I’m not going.”

Jake replied soothingly. “Okay we’re not going to make you check in, but we still need to get CC to the hospital, and we don’t want to leave your here alone. Is that okay?” Andy stared at Jake for a long moment debating on it.

“Only if you promise you won’t make me see anyone.”

  
“I promise.” Andy nodded and wrapped his arms around himself as the two turned to CC.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGERS: Suicide attempt, suicidal character, prescription drug abuse during pregnancy, alcohol use during pregnancy, suicidal thoughts.
> 
> Synopsis: Andy leaves his band mates talking to Ash and goes to CC's room to hide. There he takes a razor from the bathroom, left over prescription pills from CC's bag and a bottle of whiskey. He goes to the balcony and thinks of killing himself by jumping off, he also cuts his arms and drinks whiskey and takes a whole bottle of pills. CC finds him and talks to Andy. When he finds out Andy has taken pills he forces Andy to throw them up. They get in an argument, Andy knees CC in the groin. CC calls Jake and Jinxx who come to CC's room and take CC and Andy to the hospital.


	13. Chapter 13

Jake resisted the urge to slam his hands on the steering wheel and yell. That would accomplish nothing and just add to an already tense situation. Someone needed to keep a level head and a little sanity. He just wished it didn’t have to be him.

Andy was sobbing in the back seat next to Jinxx who was trying fruitlessly to calm him down. It was obvious what Andy had been trying to do, even though Andy had lied that he had been trying to kill himself, maybe it was a half-hearted attempt, but cutting your arm up and taking a bottle of pills was pretty suicidal. His emotions were all over the place and Jake felt guilty and he could tell Jinxx did too that they hadn’t noticed how depressed Andy had been before it came to this.

He hadn’t had an easy pregnancy thus far and Ashley being an asshole. The fans and everyone else talking about him every five minutes hadn’t helped not to mention that he was always sick and tired and had diabetes on top of it all...it was a miracle he hadn’t cracked earlier. Andy had been upset about Ashley but he was now even more upset about CC who was miserable. Jake glanced at CC who was hunched over in the front passenger seat holding a store bag and throwing up every few minutes in between groaning in pain. He had no idea what Andy kneeing CC in the groin had done but whatever it was had obviously seriously fucked him up.

“Are you--” Jake broke off because he obviously wasn’t okay and that was a stupid thing to ask.

CC answered it anyway, his face was an ashy grey. “I’m--I’m okay.” It was a lie. Jake could tell even though CC was hurting he was trying not to make Andy feel worse...which was a lost cause because Andy was only sobbing harder as the car ride progressed.

By the time they got to the hospital, CC was looking close to passing out and Andy had managed to stop crying but just barely. They all looked a mess. Andy’s shirt was covered in blood and he had a stained bandanna hanging askew on the arm he had cut, not to mention tear tracks down his face. CC was barely standing and had vomit down his shirt. Then there was Jinxx who Jake could tell wasn’t feeling well.

Jake parked the car quickly and then got a wheelchair for CC. The others followed behind and Jake was trying to split his mind between figuring out how he would talk Andy into getting checked out in the ER for mental health and what was wrong with CC.

The nurse that met them at the triage counter looked unconcerned. There was a full waiting room and several more people waiting to be checked in. Jake wheeled CC past the line (since they didn’t appear to be dying and Jake wasn’t sure CC was far from it himself).

“Excuse me sir, but it’s a first come first serve basis and--” Jake managed to keep a smile on his face as he talked to the nurse trying to stop him.

“My friend is really sick.”

“Everyone is sick, it’s the ER.” She sounded bored.

Jake ground his teeth and Jinxx stepped in being his awkwardly charming self. “We think something is really wrong with him, he’s in a lot of pain and keeps puking.”

She perked up a bit at that, but didn’t seem inclined to move things along faster. Jake watched as she (her name tag said Melinda) looked down at CC and started asking questions. “Do you have chest pain?”

CC shook his head no, too busy throwing up to speak. The nurse still seemed unfazed by his sickness. “Any shortness of breath? Weakness in any limbs? Recent head injury.”

“N-no.” CC gasped out the words shaky. The nurse straightened up with a satisfied look on her face. Jake couldn’t help asking.

“What the hell does any of those questions have to do with why we’re here.”

“If you’d watch your tone with me, I’d let you know I have a waiting room full of people that want beds if your friend isn’t dying then he can wait.”

Jake clenched his fists and had to hold his tongue with difficulty. The nurse was already asking another question. “Where is your pain?”

CC gestured to his stomach and groin vaguely but started retching again cutting his answer short. Jinxx answered helpfully. “He said his stomach and his groin hurt on the way here. He got hit in the --”

The nurse cut him off. “I was asking the patient not you. Abdominal pain we can deal with. He won’t die….and why is he covered in blood?” She pointed at Andy, who had been halfway hidden behind Jinxx until then.

“He--he cut his arm.”

“It must be a deep cut... he should get checked in too.”

Andy shook his head vigorously at that and Jake glanced at Andy wondering whether he should tell the nurse what Andy had done right there, but based on how she was acting she would probably make everything worse so he kept silent.

Jake had to take a deep breath as the nurse checked them in and then sent them to a waiting room. He was reporting that nurse as soon as possible but for now he hoped it wouldn't be long for CC’s sake.

Andy meanwhile had started crying again quietly. It didn’t help the entire waiting room was staring at them because Andy was still covered in blood and sobbing about how everything was his fault. CC in between moaning and retching was telling him it wasn't and between the two of them the whole situation was royally fucked up.

A nurse took CC back to a room after about ten minutes and they were left to wait in the waiting room while the nurse got him situated. Jake used that time to try to talk Andy into checking in.

“Hey,” Jake waited until Andy looked at him. His face was blotchy with tears and his eyes were red. Jake gently thumbed the tears from Andy’s checks before saying softly. “I think you should let someone see you.”

“No, I’m not crazy!”

Jinxx joined in. “We’re worried about you and talking to someone would help.”

“I don’t want to.”

“You’re pregnant and if you had hurt yourself really bad today what about the baby? You’ll hurt both of you if you do something again like today.” Jake tried to reason.

Andy seemed to hesitate then said. “I’m not going to see anyone, or talk to anyone. You said I didn’t have to! You promised!”

“Yeah but Andy--”

Jake tried to reason, Jinxx tried to reason. And Andy ignored them both, going so far as threatening to walk out the hospital. After a few minutes they fell silent. Jake knew Andy needed to be checked in he just couldn’t figure out how to make him...you couldn’t force someone to come in for a psych evaluation could you?

Abruptly an idea came to him, he took a moment to figure out how to phrase it then said. “Andy you really should get your arm checked out though.”

Andy looked at him suspiciously. “I’m not going to walk in here and have someone tell me I’m crazy and --”

“No one said anything about you being crazy. I’m talking about you need to make sure your cuts don’t need sutures or get an infection.”

Andy seemed to consider that after a few seconds he said “What are we going to say how I got them?”

Jake shrugged feeling bad for lying but reasoning it was for a good cause. “You can say it was an accident or something.”

“You won’t tell them the truth?” Andy sounded like a little kid and looked so miserable and innocent that Jake felt the lie catch in his throat as he thought about deceiving him more.

Jinxx smoothly took over. “Definitely not, we’re just concerned about you. And if you’re not a danger to yourself then we won’t tell the doctor anything right?”

Jake noticed though Andy didn’t, how Jinxx had phrased that last part...he was basically saying the opposite of what he had told Andy in the first part. But Andy accepted it and agreed to let a doctor see him, so Jake pushed down the guilt and called it a win.

“Fine. Just the arm though.”

Ten minutes later they were in a hospital room (Jake had tried to check on CC but he was down having some sort of ultrasound done) and Andy was sitting on the bed waiting for the doctor.

The doctor who came in was an older man with glasses and greying hair. “I’m Dr. Denault “ He reached out shaking Andy’s hand and Jake was surprised when the doctor shook his and Jinxx’s also. “So what’s going on today. I hear you cut yourself.”

Jake watched as Andy immediately corrected the doctor’s turn of speech “I didn’t cut myself it was an accident!”

“I didn’t actually mean you cut yourself on purpose, obviously you didn’t mean to.” The doctor got near Andy motioned toward his arm. “May I take a look at your arm?”

Jake watched Andy carefully as he held out his arm and replied. “I cut my arm on some broken glass.” When Andy wasn’t looking, Jake and Jinxx shared a look.

The doctor glanced at him and Jake before turning back to Andy. “Glass?”

“Ye--yeah. I fell through a window and I--”

Jake couldn’t believe what he was hearing and it was obvious Andy wasn’t going to tell the truth so he jumped in. “He did it. He cut himself.”

There was silence, in which both Andy and the doctor turned to stare at him. Jake continued talking aware Andy was looking at him like he wanted to kill him.

“He cut his arms with razors--”

Andy jumped in. “I fucking did not!”

Jinxx broke in. “He also took a whole bottle of pills.” The doctor looked alarmed at that.

“How long ago was this?”

“About thirty minutes ago….I brought the pill bottle with me so you can see what it was.” Jinxx reached in his pocket and passed the amber bottle to the doctor.

“You’re a goddamn liar! I didn’t take shit!”

Jake overtalked Andy who was becoming more and more hysterical. “CC made him throw them up but we’re worried about him. He’s been really depressed and--”

Jake didn’t get to say anything else because Andy cut him off half-screaming. “You want to know what happened? They’re a bunch of fucking liars. I didn’t take pills. I’m not crazy. They want you to think I’m crazy, but I’m not. Okay? I’m not, I’m just pregnant and yeah stuff is bad but I’m not crazy and how about this--they cut up my arms, they want you to think I’m insane!”

“Andy, please try to calm down. We’re trying to help you! What about your baby girl, huh? If you hurt yourself you’re not going to be fit to take care of her and they’ll take her when she’s born.” Jake mentally winced at such a low-blow, but he was desperate. Andy however only paused for a split second before hardening his gaze again.

“I won’t go! You can’t make me!”

“Andy be reasonable. Just talk to someone and if everything is okay then they’ll let you go home.” Jinxx spoke softly and carefully, but Andy was hysterical.

“I’m not crazy. There’s nothing wrong with me. Nothing!” Andy began sobbing again. “I just want go home. You guys are supposed to be my friends why are you’re doing this to me...I wasn’t trying to kill myself I promise.”

Andy stared at him and Jinxx through a haze of tears. He looked miserable and yet still defiant. Jake held his gaze.

The doctor used the opportunity to ask. “Then what are the cuts from?”

Andy was too distracted to lie so the truth spilled out. “It was just cutting..I used to do it when I was a kid. It was stupid...didn’t even work. So that’s why I took the--” Andy broke off abruptly but Jake knew he had been about to confess to taking the pills, and the doctor looked like he knew too.

“What pills did you take?”

“I didn’t say I took anything.”

“You—“

“Everyone’s fucking lying on me, they just hate me. Everyone hates me.” Andy cut the doctor off hysterically.

Instead of pressing Andy further Dr. Denault said. “I’m going to let your nurse Nicole help you get settled in and we’ll run some tests and then have someone come down and talk to you.”

“I don’t want to stay!”

“I understand that Andy, but I need to make sure you’re not a danger to yourself. If you can show me that then you can leave okay?”

Andy hesitated but Jake let out a sigh of relief as he nodded. Jinxx patted his back and said. “It’s all going to be okay, you’re doing the right thing.”

Andy ignored him. The doctor walked out the room and Jake followed him out along with Jinxx. Once the door had closed behind them the doctor walked a short distance away and then asked. “You’re his friends?”

Jake nodded and beside him Jinxx did the same. “I’m Jake and this is Jeremy.”

The doctor nodded. “So you found him trying to hurt himself this afternoon?”

“Well, yeah--but not exactly us.” Jake glanced at Jinxx who had just swayed slightly before catching himself and acting like nothing had happened. Jake frowned but continued. “CC caught him cutting himself on the balcony of the hotel we’re staying at and he swallowed the whole bottle of Norco’s CC was given for when he hurt his shoulder, then CC made him throw them up.”

The doctor frowned digesting all of what they had said, then he asked. “And CC is?”

“Our other friend, he’s in the ER now--uhh---room 17 I think it was. Abdominal pain, he got kneed in the junk by Andy when he tried to get his phone so he could call us and tell what happened.”

“Christian Mora?”

Jake nodded after a second, not used to hearing CC’s legal name. The doctor was already continuing. “Okay...what brought on Andy’s attempt today? Do you know what it was?”

Jinxx answered this time. “Andy’s been upset for months--since he got pregnant really. It hasn’t been an easy four months. We should have noticed he was getting so down, but it’s been everything you know?” Jinxx’s face hardened and he said. “We’re all part of a band and we’re on tour. Andy won’t stop even though he’s pregnant. He’s upset about being pregnant, and upset about the shit magazines and fans are saying about him...he got recently diagnosed with diabetes….”

Jinxx trailed off and Jake picked up. “He’s throwing up all the time and today he walked in on Ashley...that’s another one of our bandmates and the one who Andy is having the baby with...anyway Ashley was fucking two groupies and Andy saw it all. He had walked in to tell him the baby’s gender and Ashley was just…” Jake fell silent only to have Jinxx finish bitterly.

“Eating one of those bitches out and letting the other ride him.”

Jake glanced at Jinxx noting the way the guitarist had snapped the words. He was angry that much was clear but the clipped way Jinxx had finished made his voice sound pained.

“Where is Ashley now?” The doctor asked.

Jake couldn’t answer before Jinxx snarled. “Who gives a fuck.” He abruptly turned and walked a short distance away pacing and Jake looked after him frowning before answering the doctor.

“We didn’t tell Ashley that Andy was in the hospital or what he had done. This--what Ash did today isn’t a one time thing. He keeps going back and forth, last week they were sleeping together and then this week Ashley has the nerve to say it’s just sex and nothing else. He keeps toying with him and half the time I don’t think Ash even realises he’s fucking doing it...so yeah it’s best he stays away.”

“Well you did the right thing bringing him in, and he’s lucky to have such caring friends. We’re going to get him the help he needs.” The doctor clapped a hand on Jake’s shoulder and gave him a slight smile before he left.

Jake didn’t feel like smiling. He glanced down the hall to where Jinxx had sat down now, his head was resting on his arms which he had crossed on his knees. Jake walked over sensing Jinxx didn’t feel the greatest even though he knew Jinxx would deny that if anyone asked him. Jinxx was convinced that he had to deny he had an illness or everyone would consider him a burden. It didn’t matter how many times any of them had told him the opposite. The guitarist had a way of self-flagellating unlike anyone Jake had ever seen.

“Hey what’s up?”

Jinxx looked up his face drawn before he quickly tried to cover the momentary weakness with a smile. “Nothing I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Jinxx, come on--”

“It’s just a headache okay?”

Before Jake could say anything else he heard a commotion and yelling from the room Andy was in and turned back quickly. He opened the door followed by Jinxx to find Andy half undressed, his T-shirt was off and was yelling at two nurses one of which was holding a gown, and the other supplies to draw blood.

“I’m not doing it.”

Jake tried to ask. “Not doing what An--”

“I’ve changed my mind. I want to go home, please I promise I won’t do anything.” Jake swallowed trying to remain firm.

“Andy you don’t have a choice, we need to get you checked out at least for the pills...your arm needs some stitches probably and…”

“None of this is going to make me better. She wants to stick me with needles.” Andy pointed at one of the nurses who added in an undertone.

“We’re just getting some blood to check his Tylenol levels, and some other stuff.”

Andy wasn’t listening, “They want me to take all my clothes off and then they’re going to look at me while I’m naked--”

“We’re checking to make sure he doesn’t have anything to harm himself--”

“Andy calm down.”

“I’m not! I don’t want to be here. I don’t have to stay here, you can’t make me--” Andy snatched up his shirt and started towards the door only to be stopped by Jinxx who stepped in front.

Andy’s face contorted with anger and Jake knew he was seconds away from forcing his way past Jinxx. Before he could make good on the threat implied by Andy’s posture Jake soothingly said. “It won’t be that long. Just let them check you out and -”

“They can’t fucking touch me!” Andy started to attempt to shove Jinxx aside and Jake brought out his last card...the one he hadn’t wanted to use. “If you walk out that door, we’re calling off the tour, we’re calling off every single gig or whatever we have planned.” Andy froze at that, so Jake continued talking. “I’m going to call your mother and your father and I’m telling them all the shit that has been going down these past few weeks...all the stuff you said you could handle by yourself. You said you didn’t want to worry your parents? Well maybe they need to be worried because you're sure as hell worrying us. You need to cooperate and let us help you”

Andy who had stopped crying started back up again at that. He glared at Jake then walked back to the middle of the room. “Okay--okay.”

Jake tried not to react to the furious look Andy was giving him with tears running down his cheeks. Inside though his chest was tight and he wanted to cry himself.

“Okay, you want me to cooperate, Jake?” Andy stared him in the eyes as he began ripping his clothes down. He pulled his bra off and threw it to the floor, then tugged his panties and pants down in one motion so he was completely nude. “There I’m fucking cooperating. You want to cavity search me next?”

The nurse swallowed looking upset, but Andy wasn’t done. Before any of them could react he had snatched the blood drawing supplies from the other nurse and uncapped a needle.

“You want some blood?” Jake tried to stop him but Andy backed out of reached as he stabbed the needle into his arm, dragging it down so it scratched his arm leaving a deep welt. “I’ll give you some blood, god damn vampires!” A nurse tried to snatch the needle away and Andy side stepped her still stabbing his arms. Blood was running in rivulets to the floor.

Someone must have heard the commotion and called security because the door opened and two guards came into the room. Andy was hysterically yelling now, a nurse called out in an undertone to the one standing next to her. “Get some restraints for him.”

To Andy she said. “Andy you need to calm down, if you don’t I’m going to have to put you in restraints for your safety and everyone else’s.”

“If you do that...I’ll--I’ll kill myself...I’ll fucking kill myself. I’m not crazy!”

Jake quickly stepped in grabbing Andy since the two security guards seemed hesitant to touch the naked, pregnant person covered in blood in front of them. Andy immediately fought against his grip, sobbing and repeating over and over “I’m not crazy.”

He caught Andy’s hand trying to get the needle away from him. Jinxx had stepped forward to help but Andy was wildly thrashing. Jake managed to get a hand around Andy’s waist holding him still. It was an awkward position holding his naked friend, but he was more concerned with making sure Andy didn’t hurt himself more.

Just then Andy ripped his hand free and stabbed out with the needle he was holding. Jake swore in pain as the needle caught his hand sinking deep into his flesh. Andy lost his grip on the needle and Jake counted that as a win. But before he could do anything further, someone came back holding restraints.

“Tie him down.”

“No.” Jinxx snatched the restraints from the man who had walked in holding them. “This is isn’t going to make things better tying him up like he’s a wild animal...let us try to calm him down.”

The guy glanced at the rest of the people in the room, then ignored Jinxx and started to move forward. Jake caught the doctor arriving at the back of the group of people and caught the man’s eye.

“He’s sixteen weeks pregnant for god sakes and we’ve already been through enough, please don’t tie him up. We can calm him down.”

The doctor looked hesitant but abruptly he nodded and people slowly cleared the room. The doctor was the last to go. “You’ve got ten minutes.” Then the door shut but Jake noticed they kept the window set in the door open so they could hear what was going on.

“If you make me go to the Psych floor, you can’t stop me from killing myself there or when I get out!” Andy, who was still crying heavily, slipped out of Jake’s grasp and Jake let him go. He backed up until he was against the furthest wall from Jake. Jake gave Andy a pained look before speaking next.

“Andy, if you don’t agree to get some help, we’ll be forced to break up the band.” Andy gasped at Jake’s words and the pain and anguish on Andy’s face almost forced Jake to cave to Andy’s whims when Jinxx took over.

“Andy we love and care about you and we’ll do whatever it takes to get you better, even if it means quitting one of the things we love more than anything.”

“Please….don’t. No not the band.” Andy slid down so that he was on his knees looking heartbroken. “You can’t….you won’t! We worked so hard on the band! It’s all I have.”

“We will if we have to. We’ll break up and then we’ll even take turns watching you, and you can bet your parents will be helping too. For as long as we need, until we’re sure you're safe...” Andy was silent at Jake’s words, the only sound in the room was Andy’s sobbing.

Jinxx added softly. “You’re worth more to all of us than the band.”

Jake walked over slowly and crouched in front of Andy with a softer look on his face. Andy hesitated then leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Jake’s shoulders, sobbing into his chest. “No I’m not. Look at me...I’m so fucking worthless!”

“You are not worthless! You’re just going through a rough patch, and _when_ you make it through this, you’ll be so much stronger for it.” Jinxx crouched down next to Jake, wrapping an arm around both Andy and Jake. Andy’s tears were dripping down his chest but Jake only hoped that Jinxx’s words had gotten through.

“I’m sorry. I’ll listen. I’m so sorry.” They stayed that way for a few minutes before Andy pulled away. Jake started to thumb the tears off Andy’s face and Andy jerked away abruptly staring in horror at Jake’s blood stained hand. “I stabbed you...I’m so stupid! I’m sorry! I don’t even deserve to be forgiven.”

“Hey, hey, hey. I’m fine. It’ll heal. It’s okay, it’s okay!” Jake hugged Andy again and  held Andy tightly, rubbing his back until he had quieted. After the sobs had subsided he glanced at Jinxx  giving him a semi-relieved look that they’d gotten Andy a bit calmer. Jinxx gave a tired half smile in return.

After a few minutes, Jinxx  grabbed the forgotten gown and came back over to where Jake was still holding onto Andy. Andy’s sobs had quieted to sniffles but he was still holding onto Jake as tight as ever like the contact was the only thing holding him together.

“Here let’s get you in this gown, so that you’re not naked and cold, okay?” Jake released Andy who stood up slowly and allowed them to dress him. Andy nodded as they got the gown on him, tears trailing down his face.

“I-I promise not to act up anymore..” Jake gave Andy a smile and a tight hug before guiding Andy to the bed in the room. Once Andy was sitting, a thought occurred to him.

“Hey Andy, when was the last time you ate today?” Andy frowned, wiping his eyes.

“I...I don’t remember.” Jake looked over to Jinxx who had the same concerned look on his face.

“Okay. We’ll get you something to eat, will you be okay here?”

“By myself? You...you can’t leave me here by myself. Please..”

Jinxx answered. “We’re going to step out for a few minutes and let the nurses and doctor do their stuff but then we’ll be back okay?”

Andy bit his lip but nodded and Jake gave him an encouraging smile before he opened the door and walked out gesturing to the nurses standing outside that they could go back in.

He started walking intending to go to the cafeteria and see about getting Andy some food then thought better of it realising he still had blood on his hand and should probably clean up first. He turned to Jinxx to ask had he seen a bathroom and the words died on his tongue as he saw Jinxx resting his head against the wall.

“Are you okay?”

“You keep asking me that.” Jinxx opened his eyes and glared at him.

“Maybe because I want the truth.”

Jinxx didn’t answer that but swallowed heavily and walked ahead. Jake followed along and when they had reached the end of a hall, Jinxx said tiredly. “I’m not feeling so hot--I’ve got a headache...my stomach’s a little upset too.” He fell silent and Jake waited for him to say more but he didn’t. Jinxx turned another corner and walked a little more until he reached a bathroom.

Jake started to follow him in and Jinxx turned to him with an irritated glare. “Are you following me like a mother hen again? I’m not about to die you know.”

Jake raised his bloody hand. “I need to wash up.”

Jinxx looked ready to argue but then abruptly turned away, making a weird gulping sound. Without another word he walked in and Jake followed. He started to wash his hand at a sink, but stopped in concern as Jinxx bolted past the line of urinals and into a stall.

After a few seconds,the toilet flushed and then there was the unmistakable sound of someone being sick. Jake washed his hand, knowing Jinxx didn’t want him to know. But he couldn’t stop himself from saying when Jinxx came out. “Did you take your meds today?”

Jinxx avoided his eyes as he rinsed out his mouth. “Yeah.”

“Really? How about this past week?”

Jinxx shrugged.

Jake already knew the answer, but he was hoping he was wrong because between everything else going on he had enough to worry about without Jinxx making himself sick trying to care of everyone else and pretending he didn’t need to take care of himself also. “You missed at least three days, and two last week.”

Jinxx turned on him at that. “If you know every fucking thing then why ask Jake? Second, how do you know anyway?”

“I saw your pill organizer.”

“Snooping in my shit?”

“Keeping an eye out on you.”

“I don’t need you to keep an eye on me...I’m not an invalid!”

“I didn’t say you were.”

“Then fucking leave me alone. Why don’t you worry about Andy and CC, somebody you can actually help? I’ve got myself under control.” Jinxx gave him one last glare then stalked off slamming the bathroom door behind him. Jake ran his hand through his hair in frustration and slammed his fist into the tiled wall next to him. He felt the tile crack under his fist and took a deep breath.

“FUCK!” Jake turned around and grabbed the nearest object to throw which happened to be a bottle of liquid soap and watched it crash into a wall by the door of the bathroom. He put his hands in his hair and gripped hard, nearly ripping out handfuls of hair. “Fuck….”

With his anger slipping, Jake sank to the floor and bent his knees, resting his elbows there with his hands still twisted in his hair painfully. After a moment Jake lifted his head at the feeling of his phone vibrating. He pulled the object out and answered without even looking at the screen.

“What?” Jake winced mentally at the broken sound in his voice. He sounded so defeated.

“Jake? Thank god you picked up. I’ve been trying to get a hold of you guys and no one else answered. What’s going on? Is Andy okay?” At the sound of Ashley’s voice, Jake let out a hysterical laugh. Of course Ash would call right then.

“What do you think, Ashley?”

“I don’t...Fuck. I don’t know. Please tell me Andy didn’t do anything stupid? Where are you guys?”

“You mean stupid as in cutting himself, drinking whiskey, and trying to kill himself with the entire bottle of CC’s pain pills? Or how about when he stabbed himself with a syringe over and over, threatening to kill himself in front of us?” Jake knew he was being spiteful at that moment, but he didn’t care. He was tired of being the strong one and wanted to lash out.

The other line was silent for a moment before Jake heard a thunk on the other end of the line followed by more silence. Despite what Ash had done, Jake got worried, all of the spite fading from him. The last thing they needed was Ashley doing something rash too. “Ashley? Ash? Are you there?”

After a few more moments of silence, Jake finally heard the sound of someone picking the phone up followed by the panicked voice of Ashley. “Fuck..I’m so sorry. Where...where are you guys...where’s Andy?”

Jake deliberated for a moment if he really wanted to tell Ashley where they were at and finally decided that yes, Ashley needed to know. “Alright I’ll tell you, but please don’t come down here to see him. It’ll only screw everything up worse. We’re at St. Mary’s on 11th.”

“Thank you. Is he going to be okay?”

“I hope so. Fuck it’s been a nightmare down here. CC’s in the ER too-”

“What? What the fuck happened? Is he okay?”

“Andy kneed him in the balls really hard when CC tried to call us and tell about Andy... Also Jinxx hasn’t been taking his meds either.”

“Fuck, let me guess. He didn’t want to fess up to it and brushed it off?”

“More or less, yeah.” Jake sighed and closed his eyes for a second.

“How are you holding up?” His eyes snapped open in surprise at Ashley’s concern for a moment.

“Uhh...okay I guess.”

“Is that a real okay? Or everything is screwed up and I’m trying to hold it together but I’m messed up too.”

Jake bit his lip then answered. “The second one I guess.” He cleared his throat then launched into what he had been trying to say for weeks. The only difference was he hoped that everything had been enough of a wake up call that Ashley would actually listen. “Ash, listen to me. You and Andy need to work this out...and by that I mean _you_ need to stop fucking around with Andy. It’s not only destroying Andy, it’s destroying the band...CC has been hurt twice in the past few weeks trying to help out, Jinxx is sick and I--I can’t keep doing this.”

There was silence on the phone but Jake could hear Ashley breathing so he knew he hadn’t hung up.

“What do you want me to do?”

Jake kneaded his forehead...this wasn’t about what he wanted...this was about what was best for everyone. And at that point Jake wasn’t quite sure what that was. “You need to stop drinking for one...or at least not so much...and as for Andy I mean---I know we told you to stay away, but fuck...I don’t know if that’s going to help….you really messed up with what you did today.”

“I’m going to make this better.” Ashley’s voice hitched on the phone and he added. “I’m going to fix this.”

“Yeah…” Jake trailed off, not sure if he believed Ashley...and not sure if it was possible to fix all that happened.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

“Hey, CC how are you, buddy?” Jake smiled at CC who looked his way before shuffling over so that Andy and Jinxx could see him.

“Oh heeey guys! Wassup?” Chris gave them a lopsided grin and made some sort of hand motion that Jake wondered if it was supposed to be a wave. Andy, who had been silent the entire way to CC’s room moved forward and climbed into Chris’ bed before Jinxx or Jake could do anything about it. “Hey Andy! You’re okay?” Andy nodded but didn’t say anything else. CC looked at Jake with a worried expression which was somewhat marred in effect by how his eyes were unfocused and his expression was dazed by whatever meds the nurse had gave him. CC pulled Andy close giving him a tight hug. He gestured at the bandages on Andy’s arms and Jinxx mouthed. _He tried to hurt himself again in the hospital room._

Before CC could ask anything else Andy had said. “I’m sorry Ceeses...I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t have hit you and I didn’t mean to hurt you, I--I’m an idiot...”

“No you’re not. I know it was an accident.”

“Are you going to be okay?”

CC started to say. “I’m going for--” But Jake quickly caught his eyes reminding him what they had agreed on. Before Jake had convinced the nurses to let Andy come see CC he had stopped by himself and found out CC had been diagnosed with a testicular torsion. Apparently it was a medical emergency and they had scheduled emergency surgery. It sucked on all accounts but telling Andy what was happening wouldn’t make anything better. Especially since CC’s injury _was_  Andy’s fault and Andy was already suicidal. “I’m going to be okay.” CC said simply.

The rest of the visit went okay and by the end Andy was noticeably calmer. Jake got him back to his hospital room before the surgical nurse came in to get CC. They left Andy eating a late lunch and Jake with Jinxx went for coffee from the hospital’s Starbucks.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Jinxx needed to get some air. He felt like he was overheating, his head was still killing him and he was feeling increasingly worse. He wasn’t really interested in eating or drinking anything but coffee would help. He was exhausted and so far today was proving to be a long one. Jinxx bit off his frustration as Jake tagged along, he was feeling grumpy and tried not to take it out on Jake but he was in so much pain it was hard not to.

They got to the coffee counter and Jake ordered some coffee and a pastry, then glanced at Jinxx. Jinxx shook his head, trying to focus, finally after a few seconds of deliberation and Jake watching him concernedly he muttered. “I’ll just have whatever you’re having.”

Five minutes later he was sitting on a bench outside holding a pastry he really didn’t want to eat and sipping coffee he really didn’t want to drink. Jake was sitting next to him checking his messages on his phone ostentatiously, but Jinxx knew he was just pretending and was actually watching him instead.

“I’m okay.” Jinxx answered firmly, the unspoken question lingering between them. He took another sip of his coffee and ate a corner of the pastry.

Jake asked. “Do you want to go back to the hotel? It’ll be a while before CC’s out of surgery and they get Andy all settled on what’s going to happen with him...I can call when I know something.”

“And I should leave you to take care of all this shit by yourself?”

“You can’t take care of anything if you get sick yourself.” Jake countered.

Jinxx shrugged swallowing thickly. The heat from outside was getting to him. He stood up. “I’m going back inside...we should check on Andy.” He stood up trying not to stumble, and he was only partly successful. Thankfully, Jake didn’t say anything. Jinxx pitched the coffee and pastry in the garbage on his way inside.

They made it to the hospital lobby before Jinxx really started to feel a lot worse. He was dizzy and his stomach was roiling. He started toward a chair before deciding that was a bad idea as his stomach protested more. Quickly he darted to a nearby trashcan and threw up, when he straightened up a moment later Jake’s face was contorted with worry.

“Jinxx?”

“I’m oka--” Jinxx broke, off a sudden wave of dizziness coming up. His legs buckled and before he knew it he was falling. Jake caught him before he hit the ground then his vision went black. When his vision came back, he noticed Jake had a very scared look on his face.

“I’m pretty sure you’re not okay, man.” Jinxx swallowed and blinked up at Jake, trying to get his bearings together. His head was still fuzzy from blacking out. After a moment, he sat up trying to get into an upright position. It was a bad idea, he realized, as the dizziness came back and his vision started to grey again. “Hold on, let me get you a wheelchair.”

“N-no. No wheel chair. I can do this.” He blinked a few more times, before trying to sit up again. This time he managed to fight through the dizziness and get to a sitting position.

“I’m getting you a wheelchair, hold on.”

“Wait-” Jinxx watched Jake leave anyways and let out a frustrated breath. He should have remembered to take his meds, Jake had been right to get on him for forgetting. Of course he wasn’t going to tell Jake that.

When Jake got back with the wheelchair, Jinxx hesitantly let Jake help him up and into the chair.

“You wanna get checked out? I don’t think it’s good to be blacking out like that.” Jinxx felt frustration rear its head again. No he didn’t want to get checked out, however guilt started eating at him. Jake was essentially taking care of the whole band at that moment, and the last thing he needed was Jinxx to be more of a burden by fighting him too. Andy and Ashley had both done enough of that in recent weeks to last a lifetime.

“Yeah. I’ll go get checked out.” He heard Jake release an audible sigh of relief and then jolted when the chair started moving suddenly.

“Thank you, man.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed that, sorry for the delay in posting. RL has been busy and there have been some creative issues but rest assured this story will be finished!


	14. Chapter 14

Andy picked at his food tray, wondering when the guys would get back. Jake and Jinxx had left about 30 minutes ago and he didn’t want to be alone. He’d asked a nurse if he could go back to CC’s room and she’d said he wasn’t there and wasn't sure exactly where he had went but maybe he was discharged.

“Why did you try to hurt yourself today?”

Andy glanced up coming out of his reverie and remembering the woman who was supposed to be figuring out just how crazy he was, was watching him. He was sure she had an official title but didn’t care to learn it. So far she had asked him almost every question under the sun, how was his childhood, had he taken drugs before etc etc.

The questions were just a lead up to what she really wanted to know...just a way for her to soften him so he’d slip up and she’d be able to lock him up.

“I didn’t.”

The woman, Kaitlyn, her name tag read, raised an eyebrow and marked something on her clipboard. “What were you trying to do?”

Andy shrugged, and then as she continued to stare at him he turned away and squished a french fry between his fingers as he mumbled in a low voice. “If I was trying to kill myself why’d I just cut up my arm? I didn’t do my wrists. It’s stupid I just did my arms.”

“Do you wish you had done your wrists?”

“Ye--no.” Andy looked back at her just in time to see her make another mark on the clipboard. He wanted to snatch the papers from her and rip up her neat little evaluation no doubt saying he was crazy and should be locked away. But he had promised Jake and Jinxx he would cooperate and the threat of breaking up the band still was hanging over his head.

There was silence as the woman waited for him to say more...when he didn’t she cleared her throat and said. “You didn’t just cut yourself you also took a whole bottle of pills that could have been fatal if you hadn’t thrown them up.”

“Yeah…” Andy couldn’t think of anything to say about that so he stayed silent. Kaitlyn reached out and placed a hand on his. She looked kind and caring but he knew it was a trick...she was just doing her job and trying to get him admitted.

“Sweetheart, something obviously happened today or recently that made you want to end it all…” She set her clipboard aside and continued. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself, and you’ve got people who care about you. Your friends brought you in...and they’re still hanging around in the waiting room...you’ve got two people that care about you and probably a lot more...am I right?”

Andy swallowed, feeling his throat thicken and his eyes burn with tears. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“So what was it?”

“Not what--who….I caught Ashley today with two women…”

Andy swallowed trying to stop crying but it was a hopeless task.  

Kaitlyn asked. “And Ashley is?”

That was a difficult question...they weren’t together ...Ashley had said they weren’t anything…Andy shrugged. “He...he’s the father of the baby I’m carrying…”Abruptly the rest spilled out. “We had sex once and I got knocked up--Ash acted like it was my fault at first and was ---mean--but just because he didn’t want to be a dad...but he’d be a great dad...and he wanted me to have an abortion but he didn’t really...and then he acted like we were together but when my parents came then he said we weren’t….but then he kept kissing me and stuff and I thought it was---just him being scared to commit or whatever---or maybe even not wanting to tell my parents we were together...and then a few weeks later we had sex...like a lot of sex...and he kissed me and held me and--I thought we were together!” Andy sobbed harder and then grabbed his hair in frustration pulling it. “I’m so fucking stupid! So Goddamn fucking stupid.” He grabbed his milk carton off his lunch tray and threw it, the carton popped open splashing milk on the walls.

Before he knew what had happened three people had burst into the room and all were staring at him. Andy noticed one of them was surreptitiously fingering something that looked like restraints.

“You need help in here Kate?”

Andy swallowed, wishing Jake and Jinxx were there. He could tell people thought he was going to go off again. “I--I’m sorry. I just got mad...I’m not going to do anything--”

The guy with the restraint glanced at him then turned back to the Kaitlyn waiting for her reply.

“Yeah we’re okay Matt.”

There was a moment as Andy felt everyone look at him then they were alone again. Kaitlyn waited a moment before continuing. “You love Ashley?”

“I--yeah I do.” Andy glanced at the woman to try to read her expression; he wondered, did she think he was as stupid as he had felt? Her face was neutral though so Andy finished telling her the rest. “Ash said he wasn’t feeling good today...so I went to my OB appointment with CC. CC…Chris was really, really excited about the baby.” Andy toyed with the edge of his hospital gown thinking of how excited CC had been to find out the baby was a girl. He smiled for a moment at the image of the drummer literally jumping with joy, then his expression changed as he thought about how it wasn’t Ash who had been with him.

“Sounds like you’ve got some good friends…”

“Yeah.”

“So...today...I went to tell Ash about the baby and --he was having a threesome with these--these--groupies….he was fucking eating one of them out!...and I saw it...then he said what we had a week ago was just sex...and I was just horny...which I was horny..but it wasn’t just sex...I told I loved him---then he says it’s just sex!” Andy broke down sobbing and told the rest of the story in a voice barely understable it was so muffled with tears. “I was so angry--and --after everything--everyone always thinking I was a freak---and hating me because of this fucked up body I have--Ashley was supposed to love me--I thought I finally had someone who did--but it was a lie...I wasn’t going to kill myself at first---not really---but when I got to the pills I was tired you know...I just wanted this this be over--it’s stupid...I’m stupid.”

“You’re not.” Andy didn’t respond so the woman continued. “I’m going to go talk with the psychiatrist and see what he recommends, but if he wants you to stay how do you feel about that.”

“I don’t want to.” Andy rubbed the tears from his eyes and sniffed back tears trying to compose himself. “I just want to go home. Please, can I go home? I promise I won’t hurt myself.”

“You tried to kill yourself and that’s serious--”

“Okay, but I won’t again...and if I have to stay here it’s not going to make me feel better...what can you guys do for me? Can you fix any of the shit that is my life?”

“Andy, we can help make sure you’re safe and let you talk to someone and work stuff out, we can see about starting antidepressants--”

“But I’m pregnant...won’t those hurt the baby.”

“You’d have to talk to the doctor about the risks...but a lot of women take them when they’re pregnant and hurting yourself will hurt the baby.”

Andy swallowed considering her words as he laid a hand across the swell of his stomach. “So if I agree to take meds can I go home today?”

“We need to watch you and make sure they work.”

“So basically I’m fucked in whatever scenario you want to come up with.” Andy couldn’t believe what he was hearing...there was the tour..signings, concerts, appearances...so many things to do and he had messed it all up.  “I can’t stay...I have so much stuff to do. You just want to keep me.”

“No, I want to make sure you’re safe.”

“Whatever.”

“Andy, I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

“I won’t, I told you that--besides the guys will watch me...you can ask them and---”

“Think about what you’re telling me...is that really fair to put that burden on your friends? To make them the ones who feel responsible if something happens to you…” Andy fell silent at that thinking about her words.

“What if they slip up one day, and aren’t watching you close enough...what if you feel bad and hurt yourself again and maybe kill yourself this time...how would your friend Jake...or Jeremy or Chris feel?”

Andy knew she was telling the truth but he didn’t want to be locked away. And yet he couldn’t forget the look on CC face as he had found him covered in blood on the balcony, or Jake and Jinxx freaking out as he had tried to stab himself.

“Okay--I’m not saying I’m going to stay...but...go talk to whoever you were going to and--if they want me to stay I’ll think about it.”

She gave his shoulder a slight squeeze at that and walked out the room. The had moved him earlier so it wasn’t even a room anymore but two rooms connected and walled off by a curtain...there was a huge gap so he was in full view of the nurses station and he could see somebody sitting there watching him, like it was their job...maybe it was. Kaitlyn had mentioned a sitter.

Andy wanted to leave and find Jake and Jinxx and CC and go home, but he was beginning to realise that wasn’t really an option. The woman had acted like he had a choice but it was becoming clearer that he didn’t.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Jake had gotten Jinxx checked in and the guitarist was currently hooked up to an IV and having blood drawn. Jinxx had been a  lot more honest with his nurse than he had with him and Jake had forced himself not to say anything as Jinxx started telling her a litany of symptoms that apparently he had been very adept at hiding. The doctor who came and saw him said he was dehydrated and possibly he had some sort of infection along with a flareup of his disease….they were waiting on labs to see what was actually going on though.

CC was still in surgery but according to the nurse he asked the surgery was usually only about 60 min. Jake wanted to check on Andy before he went to see CC in recovery.

Andy had been moved from the room he was in near the back of the ER to one directly in front of the nurses station, it was only screened off halfway by a curtain. Jake slipped past the beige fabric to find Andy sitting cross legged on the bed, ignoring the hospital employee in scrubs who was trying to make small talk with him.

Andy wasn’t crying and Jake took that as a positive sign until he noticed Andy’s mostly untouched lunch tray sitting in front of him and his eyes were very swollen and red rimmed. “They want me to stay.”

Jake nodded, feeling helpless to do or say anything to make it better. Still he tried. “We knew that might happen right? And it’s not so bad, before you know it you’ll be out.”

Andy ignored that. “It’s a locked unit, like they’re fucking locking me in like I’m crazy. I’m not Jake.”

“I know you’re not.”

“You’re lying. You think I am...everyone thinks I am now.”

Jake started to say. “ No, we don--” But Andy was already continuing.

“They wanted me to sign some papers saying I was agreeing to stay.” Andy had tears dripping down his face again, and Jake reached out grabbing a tissue and brushing them away. Tomorrow Andy’s eyes were going to be so swollen, it’d be a miracle he could see. “I’m not signing anything! I don’t want to stay.”

“Okay you don’t have to sign.”

“Yeah...yeah, that’s what the doctor said but then he said I had to stay anyway and they can make me. It’s some stupid law or something..I have to stay for days and if I don’t after that a judge can come and make me stay longer if I need to.” Tears were trickling down his face in a steady stream and his nose was running. Andy let out of sob of pure anguish and said through a voice thick with tears and snot. “They--they said if I don’t get help, or I don’t get better when I’m here...when the baby’s born DCFS will be involved and take my baby.”

Jake swallowed he hadn’t known any of that…

Andy continued hysterically. “They’ll take my kid Jake!”

“That’s not going to happen.”

“Liar.” Just like that Andy turned on him, talking loudly and fast. “I hate you. I hate all of you. You lied to me, to get me to come here. You said it was just for CC then it was just my arm. You guys hate me...you just pretend you don’t. You think I’m a freak...you want me gone...I hate you!”

Jake tried not to take any of it to heart but Andy’s words hurt. Instead of focusing on his own emotions he tried to remind himself how Andy felt...he had just found out (to his mind) the guy he loved probably more than anyone was cheating on him and then Ash had made it even worse by saying that him and Andy was just sex...

Andy tried to pull away at first as Jake put an arm around him, but after a few moments he stopped and instead pressed his face into Jake’s shirt dampening it with tears and mucus. Jake swallowed heavily and felt his eyes burn with tears he couldn’t shed. He had to stay strong at least for a few more minutes until everyone else was squared away but it was difficult as Andy’s muffled voice whispered. “I’m a freak.  I just want to die.”

“It’s okay...it’s okay.” Jake patted Andy’s back soothingly trying to calm him down. He faltered though as he heard a new voice.

“Shit.” He swore under his breath and gently disentangled from Andy hoping Andy hadn’t heard. “I’ll be right back in a few minutes.”

Without waiting for a reply Jake walked out to find Ashley at the far nurse’s station counter talking with a nurse. Jake walked over struggling to keep his anger off his face.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Jake grabbed Ashley’s shoulder painfully hard, ignoring the glance the nurse gave them as he steered the bassist out into a hallway.

“I’m checking on Andy.”

“You’re checking on Andy?” Jake spat the words out quietly worried Andy would hear and be more upset. “It’s too late for that. Everything is seriously fucked up.”

Ashley frowned obviously upset. Jake was too pissed to hold back and spare Ash’s feelings, at this point Ash deserved to hear the truth no matter how much it upset him. “Andy is about to be admitted to the psych floor.”

“What? Why?”

“Because he tried to kill himself Ash! He took a ton of pills, he cut himself…”

“Why--” It was probably a reflex question but Jake lost it at Ash’s comment.

“You know fucking why. He caught you fucking two chicks, we all did. You lied to him! Lied Ashley!” Jake angrily paced, trying to keep himself from decking Ash like he wanted to. “You skipped his OB appointment and said you were sick and then you cheated on him,”

“We aren’t together so it’s not cheat--”

“Bullshit!” Jake said the words so loud a few nurse’s glanced in his way, and he gave them what he hoped was a reassuring smile before he turne back to Ashley. “Fucking bullshit. You don’t tell me that crap when I know you don’t even believe it yourself...not fully. I saw you and Andy, and you were kissing him, hugging him, saying how beautiful and gorgeous he was as you fucking humped him so--”

“What are you some kind of pervert that you watched us? Seriously Jake--”

Jake clenched his fists. “Don’t change the fucking subject Ash. You messed up. Andy is going to the pysch floor and thinks you cheated on him because he’s a _freak_ and somehow everything's his fault...are you hearing this...his fault not yours!”

Ashley looked sobered at that , all feigned anger disappearing. Jake continued. “CC is in surgery! And Jinxx is in the ER right now probably going to be admitted too.”

“What happened?”  
  


“Andy kneed CC so hard he did something to his testicle and they had to do some surgery and fix it...and Jinxx has been throwing up for the past few hours and feeling like shit...I think he’s not been feeling good for probably a few days but was trying to keep it under wraps because of everything with you and Andy.”

“So, this is all my fault?”

“What do you think.” Jake stared at Ashley and the other man didn’t say anything. After a moment Jake said. “I asked you not to come, and you ignored everything I said to you on the phone and came anyway.”

“I just want to see Andy and--”

“And do what? He doesn’t _need_ to see you. He may want to, but he’s so upset he’s going to make himself sick. If he sees you that’s going to make everything worse…”

Ashley bit his lip but reluctantly agreed. “Okay.”

Jake let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding. “Thanks...can you go check on Jinxx and make sure he’s okay? And then see if CC is out of surgery yet.”

Ashley seemed like he wanted to say something else but ultimately he nodded and turned and walked off. Jake watched him leave for a moment before he went back to Andy.

Andy was still crying but less than before. He looked up as Jake walked in. “Where were you?”

“I--I--” Jake tried to figure out a lie and Andy picked up on that.

“You wanted to get away from me...I’m sorry.” He pulled his knees up towards his chest rocking back and forth.

“No, I wanted to check on CC and Jinxx.” The lie was part truth and the first thing he could think of at the moment. It was a bad idea because Andy seized on his comment.

“What’s wrong with them?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re lying to me.”

Jake swallowed, wondering should he tell. He decided not to as he considered how Ashley had taken the news. If the bassist was upset over hearing about them Andy would be 100 times more.  “CC and Jinxx are okay.” It wasn’t a lie, Jake reasoned, they both were okay just in the hospital.

“Then why haven’t they come to see me again? Why is it just you?” Andy didn’t let Jake answer and sobbed. “They’re mad at me aren’t they?”

“Jinxx can’t come because he’s uh--watching CC.” At Andy’s confused look, Jake added. “You know how CC got when he had those  pain meds. CC’s sleeping in the lobby and Jinxx is making sure he doesn’t get into trouble.”

Andy seemed mollified at that and Jake used the opportunity to sit down on the edge of the bed next to Andy. “Every single one of us cares about you.”

Jake didn’t get to say more because a nurse and a guard had arrived to take Andy to the psych unit. Andy got into the wheelchair resignedly. Before they wheeled him away Andy asked one last question. “Even Ash?”

It took Jake a moment to figure out whether to go with a lie or the truth. “Ash too.” Andy was already being wheeled away though and as he left Jake realised he wasn’t sure which one he had answered Andy’s question with.

A lie? Or the Truth?

 


	15. Chapter 15

Ashley stared ahead as he walked down the halls of the hotel with the heavy bottle of whiskey in his hand, that it was taking all his willpower not to open and drink. He felt numb. It was still fairly early in the morning, but he wanted to make sure he could visit Andy before Jake and the others found out about his plans. Jake’s words about making everything worse were still ringing in his ears but Ash was sure or at least half sure that if he could talk to Andy he could make him feel a little better.

When he went to visit, he’d figured he could bring Andy some things from his room to him to at least make his stay a little easier. Plus, Andy had left his medications and insulin syringes behind, Ashley was sure a hospital had that stuff but just in case he could bring it too.

First he had to get his head straight. Jake’s words had stayed with him all night, causing him to lose sleep. Andy had tried to kill himself and thought it was all his fault, even though Ashley knew that couldn’t have been further from the truth. No matter how much he wanted to deny it, Ashley knew he’d screwed up. There was no possible excuse for it.

The idea that Andy was alone in that ward beating himself up for somehow messing up everything when _nothing_ was his fault, was a tough pill for Ashley to swallow.

Ashley stopped at Andy’s hotel room and opened it with the spare key he had in case of emergencies. When he unlocked the door, he stepped inside and stopped as he took in the near pristine condition of disuse of the room.

The bed looked barely slept in and Andy’s things were mostly still packed. That hurt more because Ash knew the reason, Andy had been spending his all time with the other guys, even going so far as to sleep (when he slept at all) in their beds a few times when the loneliness got to be too much. That was Ashley’s fault, and he felt terrible knowing he had let things go this far for so long.

He took a deep breath and pushed the tears that threatened to fall back as he started forward. _Grabbing Andy’s stuff...right._ He went to the bathroom first and snatched the toothbrush and shampoo off the counter, other than that it was empty. Andy’s backpack was still on the floor next to his bed along with another bag so Ashley went to those and crouched down pulling stuff out.

Andy’s meds, some pajamas, toothpaste….Ashley felt a wry grin come to his lips as three travel packs of peanut butter (Ashley didn’t even know they made those) fell out Andy’s bag, then the grin just as abruptly fell off his face as he noticed something else at the bottom of the bag.

There was a collage of pictures showing him and Andy….in all of the pictures they were smiling or laughing...some were from months before...some from years..but all were before the pregnancy. Ashley smirked at the sight of them,[ Andy in his Batman snuggie and himself in his Hello Kitty one.](https://www.google.com/url?q=http://www.google.com/url?q%3Dhttp%253A%252F%252Fs1074.photobucket.com%252Fuser%252FMusicFreakBoi%252Fmedia%252FDevils%252520Choir%252FAdorkablePurdysack_zpsd7194e41.jpg.html%26sa%3DD%26sntz%3D1%26usg%3DAFQjCNHlReEsFuR5y3N1PMAX7j0oYqlYHQ&sa=D&ust=1503694618392000&usg=AFQjCNGkJfGSylEfWa_CTPJyEEUbgD-KXA)

There hadn’t been much cause to smile since Andy had got pregnant and that...was mostly Ashley’s fault too. Ash stared at the pictures a moment longer then set them aside and started to go back to what he had been doing before but before he could do so something else caught his attention. Once more Ashley reached into Andy’s bag and this time pulled out a grey piece of fabric, he shook it out then noticed it was the first onesie Andy had ever bought. It was the batman one.

Ashley fingered the fabric a little longer, then set it down noticing more clothes at the bottom. It wasn’t Andy's clothes though. It was baby clothes, lots of them. Andy must have secretly been buying a few each time they went on a shopping trip. There were more Batman ones, a few that had the Cincinnati Bengals logo...one for NFL Madden (how had Andy found that one?), and….Ashley felt his eyes burn as he pulled out the largest pile of folded baby clothes. They tumbled from his grasp and Ashley rocked back on his heels sucking in a breath.

His hand was trembling as he reached out and picked up a [pale pink shirt...with a large familiar cat on the front](https://www.google.com/url?q=http://sparklefairy.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/hello_kitty_baby_clothes.jpg&sa=D&ust=1503694618419000&usg=AFQjCNHaCOpgw6oW9_d1OD3Aa8arVkWQGg)...true to his word Andy had found a Hello Kitty onesie and overalls, booties, diaper covers, a sleepsuit...Ashley clutched the shirt to his chest feeling worse than ever.

It wasn’t just clothes...it was Andy still holding onto the naive hope that they would be together. Even after all Ashley had done to him Andy still kept believing in them, right up until the moment Ashley had thoughtlessly lied to him and then showed no sign of caring at all as he fucked two women. _In front of Andy no less._

Ashley let the tears fall then. There was no one to see him cry and no reason to hold back. He longed to pick up the bottle of whiskey he had set down but he resisted. Alcohol wouldn't help in fact it had actually made things a lot worse. Minutes later Ash wiped the last of the tears from his eyes.

It was time to stop all this. He had played with Andy going back and forth like he had time to decide, like it was okay to leave Andy in limbo as he drew him through the wringer.

Sleeping with those women had been one of his worse ideas. He had skipped the appointment trying to distance himself from Andy more. And when the opportunity for a lay had sprang up he had gone with it. Sex would take his mind off how much he hurt.

He had thought Andy might find out later what he had done and walk away. Because that would be easier… And cowardly...making Andy be the one to end it all finally.

But Andy walking in and what happened next wasn't in the plans. To hurt him so much was never in the plans.

Ash shoved the stuff he had gathered for Andy into a bag and stood up. He needed to mend things by breaking them even more. It was stupid and ironic but true.

Ash briefly considered if it would be better to wait until Andy left the Psych floor then decided against that. This way if Andy took it hard… And Ash was sure he would… At least he was where people could make sure he didn't try to hurt himself again.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Ashley gripped the bag of things he had a brought for Andy a little tighter in one hand, and clutched his hot coffee in the other as he waited for the elevator to go up to the top floor. It was still early in the day, a little before 10 in the morning, which wasn’t a time Ashley was usually used to getting up at. Sipping the coffee, Ashley glanced up at the floor indicator impatiently. Of course the hospital had to have nine floors and slow elevators.

When the elevator finally dinged and the doors slid open, Ashley stepped out and looked around for any signs of where to go. Looking around, Ashley noticed he was in a lobby sort of area with a set of double doors to his left. He turned and headed towards the doors, slowing down as hesitation started to creep in. Steeling himself, Ashley shook off the feeling and walked up to the doors.

After pushing on the doors, Ashley realized they were locked. _Right...Psych ward._ Ashley looked on either side before spotting the button to buzz him in. He juggled the bag and hot coffee cup in one hand as he pushed the button .

“I’m here to see Andy Biersack.”

“And this is?” a woman’s voice called out.

“Umm, his friend...Ashley Purdy”

Ashley waited for a few moments as there was silence, he was beginning to worry someone...Jake maybe or even Andy had said to the nurses he wasn’t allowed to come up and visit. Abruptly the doors clicked and then swung open. Just a few feet ahead, Ash spotted the nurses desk about ten feet in front of him and to the left, with rooms on the right of the hallway. Ashley noticed the doors were made of heavy metal with a square window about eye level. People were walking about, all of them dressed in grey pajama like clothes. People were wondering the halls and it truly looked like a psych ward.

Someone was standing there staring at the wall, not moving, not talking just staring. Another person had a shirt on pulled down past their waist like an impromptu skirt and bare legs with (Ash was willing to guess) nothing else on underneath and was dancing in the hall. Someone else was ripping pages from a book and calmly chewing them and Ashley watched as an exacerbated woman in scrubs tried to snatch the book away. And finally the largest group was clustered in some sort of lounge area, a woman (also a patient) was directing some of the patient’s in what seemed to be an exercise routine...except no one but a psych patient would have followed it. Ashley would have laughed as she bobbed and danced, looking like she was trying to do a rain dance and four other people followed her movements earnestly, but Ashley couldn’t laugh. In fact he felt sick inside thinking of Andy locked way up here with all the rest of these people that were really crazy.

Ash stopped at the nurse’s station. “Uh, where is Andy’s room? I wanted to see him.”

The nurse who answered was a short woman, who could have passed for a senior in high school still. Her dark hair was tied in a bun and she had a stern look on her face. “Visiting isn’t allowed in rooms.”

“Okay.”

“Did you check visiting policies before you came?”

Ashley hesitated...he hadn’t thought to. Before he could figure out what to say to the nurse she was already continuing sounding exasperated.

“We typically don’t allow visitors the first day but considering how upset she’s been...I think seeing one of her friends would be good for her. You have one hour though then we have group at 11 before lunch.”

“Thank you so much.” Ashley didn’t miss how she kept referring to Andy as a she, but decided not to bother correcting her. Andy for the most part didn’t care and Ashley figured she was just doing what most people did when they found out. Assume Andy identified as a girl because he had girl parts.

The nurse nodded in response and called over her shoulder to another woman in pale green scrubs. “Carla, Can you get room 26 out and tell her she has visitors.”

“I think she’s still asleep.”

“She’s not asleep she’s sulking about breakfast...two different things.” The nurse added. “Go get her.”

The nurse called Carla walked away and disappeared down a hall.

Ash frowned at how callous the nurse acted but tried to stay civil more concerned about Andy than..he glanced at the nurse’s name tag... _Heather’s_ attitude. “What’s going on with breakfast?” Ashley was worried Andy wasn’t eating and had noticed that the more upset he became the less he ate.

“Nothing happened. Your friend was trying to skip a meal. I told her no hunger strikes in here.” Heather leaned forward, conspiratorially. “Some people get like that when they’re depressed...can’t let them have their way. Anyway, Andy was crying and making a big deal about how she was going to throw up and I put a stop to that. You’ve got to be firm, made her eat every bite. Told her if she kept threatening to throw up the doctor would hear about it and make her stay longer”

Ashley wanted to slap her at that. If Andy hadn’t wanted to eat breakfast forcing him was hardly the solution, especially with threats.

Carla noticed the bag in his hands. “What’s in there?”

“Some stuff for Andy.”

“Like what?”

“Pajamas, toiletries, underwear, I brought him some chocolate milk too. It’s all he ever really likes to drink most days.”

“Hmmm, that’s sweet but, half that stuff probably won’t be allowed. I’m going to have to take that bag you have. We can’t have any contraband being given to these patients.”

“What? I’m just bringing things to my friend to help cheer him up.”

“I understand that sir and we appreciate your thoughtfulness, but we’re going to still have to take the bag. This is the Mental health area of the hospital, which means that anything that comes from outside has to be locked away.” For her understanding tone, her expression was totally unsympathetic...Ashley handed over the bag, pissed at her and silently glad he had stashed the candy he brought for Andy in his pockets for some reason instead of in the bag with the other stuff.

Ashley wanted to smack the nurse’s outreaching hand away. He couldn’t stop himself from snapping, “You have to be kidding me. Fuck. Fine. Take the fucking bag, see if I care.” With a frustrated groan, Ashley none-too-gently set the bag on the counter of the nurse’s desk. “Happy now?”

Heather frowned, staring at him with narrowed eyes. “If you’re going to cause trouble. I’m going to call security and have them escort you out.”

Ashley swallowed at that, willing himself to smile. As the nurse relaxed a little at his feigned half smile he added. “I’m sorry I’m just kinda on edge with things.”

“I can understand that. It’s difficult what’s happening.” Heather sighed. “Andy has had a pretty tough road from what our mental health evaluator got from her Andy’s boyfriend was cheating on her...such an ass. She walked in on him having a threesome.”

Ashley went pale at her words, he felt sick as she continued. “When Andy got up here last night she was a mess. Skipped dinner, cried all night, kept making herself throw up...that boyfriend Asher--Ashley--is a piece of work--”

Abruptly, Heather stopped. A lightbulb seemed to click on. “What did you say your name was?”

Ashley swallowed he was pretty sure telling the truth wasn’t a good idea. It didn’t matter though the nurse consulted a clipboard in front of her then looked up with murder in her eyes. “You’re _Ashley_. Well in that case, Andy is definitely not having any visitors today.”

Ashley quickly interjected. “What? Wait I need to--”

“What you need to do is get off this floor before I call security. You’re abusive, emotionally and verbally from what I’ve been hearing and--”

“I just want to see my friend.”

“No you want to see your would-be girlfriend who you’ve been messing over for weeks and--”

“Please--”  
  


“Get off this floor--”

“Ash?!”

Ashley and the nurse both froze mid comment at the half yell. Ashley turned around to see Andy dressed in the same shapeless grey pajama-scrub hybrids that the rest of the patients seemed to be wearing. A nurse or maybe she was an aide because she looked to young to even be out of high school--was trailing behind Andy like a shadow. She was small and blond and Ashley wondered what her role was until he remembered Andy was on suicide watch and she was probably making sure Andy didn’t do anything to hurt himself.

Andy looked awful, his hair was tangled, his face was puffy from lack of sleep and crying, Ashley could smell that Andy had been throwing up a lot and hadn't washed in a day from his body odour.

“Hey.”

“I thought you weren’t coming.” Andy bit his lips looking tearful again.

“What? Of course not.” Ashley glanced back at the nurse Heather who looked like she was wavering in her previous order that he leave. Ash turned back to Andy. “I wanted to come yesterday when I heard...Jake thought it wasn’t a good idea...which I understand...but I wanted to come.”

Andy looked a little relieved at that. “Okay, I thought you were mad at me or something.”

“Mad at you for what?”

“I don’t know...I was being stupid I guess.” Ashley felt his heart tear at those words. Andy was still blaming himself.

“Don’t say that. If anyone was being stupid, it was me. I should have never thought that distancing myself from you was a good idea. I screwed up, a-and for that...I’m so sorry.” Ashley stopped, feeling tears burning in his eyes and his voice wavering. He looked up at Andy to see his red puffy eyes looking uncertain. Behind him, he heard a sigh and turned to see the nurse give him a look he couldn’t decipher.

“Go. Go ahead and visit. But just know Mr. Purdy, that I am watching you.” Ashley swallowed and nodded before looking at the small blonde girl. _What was with this hospital and teenage looking staff?_

“Thank you.” Ashley followed the small aide and Andy down the hall to a room at the far end of the hallway. When he walked in, the first thing he noticed was that everything was bolted to the floor.

He watched as Andy took a hesitant seat on the couch that was sitting under a window with a bolted down coffee table in front of it. Ashley went around and sat on the other side of the couch, turning towards Andy. He spared a glance of irritation in the direction of the blonde girl and she settled in a chair next to the couch watching them. Ash hadn’t expected an audience as he talked to Andy.

“How are you doing?” Andy didn’t look at him, instead wrapping his arms around himself and shrugged.

“Okay.” Ashley looked down at his arm and noticed that it was riddled with stitches.

“How do I not believe that?” Ash gave Andy an awkward smile.

Ashley noticed how Andy glanced at the girl watching them before shrugging again. “My stitches ache a little…” Andy broke off like he didn’t want to say much with their audience listening in but he added after a moment. “I’m tired...and hungry.”

Ashley frowned, thinking back to what the nurse had said. “I know you probably didn’t get much sleep...I thought you ate breakfast though?”

“I did--” Andy was interrupted as an intercom blasted overhead. _Code 67 Mental Health, Code 67 Mental Health._ Ashley glanced around wondering what was up and except for nurses running past in the hallway there was no indication except for the blonde girl commenting to Andy.

“I’ll be right back okay?”

Ashley watched her leave the room and relaxed a little he couldn’t help feeling she had been watching and judging them both. Andy seemed less tense too. “What do you think is going on?” Ashley meant it as more of a rhetorical question but to his surprise Andy answered.

“It’s probably the same guy from earlier...he freaked out in the lounge area, started pissing on the floor then began throwing stuff at people and yelling. He got a hold of a pair of scissors someone left out I guess. He’s probably freaking out again, the other patients say he does that a lot--”

Ashley’s eyes widened at that. Andy had been matter of fact about the whole thing, but Ash felt terrible thinking about how unsafe the whole place was and Andy was here and pregnant to boot.

Andy noticed his worried expression and quickly added. “It’s okay though. They have hospital guards and last time the nurses gave him a shot so he calmed down.”

Ashley wanted to say something else but it was obvious Andy was trying to make him not worry---yet another thing wrong with this picture--Andy was always looking out for him and not the other way around.

He forced himself to smile. “Yeah okay…” He tapped his fingers against his legs trying to figure out what to say...the seconds stretched and abruptly he said. “I brought you some chocolate milk.”

Andy’s eyes predictably lit up at that. “Really?”

“Yeah…”

“Where is it?”

The nurse’s took it...I don’t know if they’ll let you have it...one was talking about contraband.”

Andy settled back in his seat biting his lip. “I can guess which one...Heather.”

“Uh , yeah…”

“She made me eat breakfast.” Andy sniffled. “Everyone got pretty much the same tray but because I got here last night I couldn’t choose anything because the menus or something were already filled out or something like that she said.”

Ashley frowned. “She’s a bitch.”

“Yeah.” Andy agreed, wiping his hand across his eyes. “Anyway my tray had bacon and sausage and some sort of lumpy oatmeal and canned peaches..and orange juice...I _told her_ I couldn’t eat it and it would make me sick.”

Ashley could guess what had happened next, all the foods Andy had described they had long since figured out made his ever present nausea worse and he couldn’t keep down. Fruit and meat were the worst offenders.

“She said I had to and if I didn’t eat she would tell the doctor and make me stay here.” Andy looked up with a tear dripping down his cheek. “And I don’t want to stay here. So I ate it, and she made me eat it all...because I didn’t have dinner. And I tried to keep it down--I really did Ash.”

Ashley could tell Andy was getting upset so he quickly added. “Of course you did.”

“But I threw it up anyway, and then when I tried to sleep because my stomach hurt they kept waking me up and made me go to therapy and I just--” Andy started crying again and Ashley pulled him close.

“Hey, hey. Look, don’t cry okay?” Ashley massaged Andy’s shoulder and back, before he remembered what else he had brought. “I brought you something else.”  
  


“What?” Andy glanced up and Ashley triumphantly pulled the now slightly squashed bag of Reese's cups from his pocket.

“Ooh, Reese’s cups! I miss peanut butter so much.” Ashley smiled as Andy pulled open the bag and popped a piece of candy into his mouth.

“I kinda figured you would.” The room was quiet for a few moments as Ashley tried to put his thoughts together. “First off, I want to apologize. I screwed up so much over the last few months and no one has suffered more than you have because of it.” Ashley stopped, trying to gather his thoughts again. He glanced at Andy and noticed he was watching him with wariness. “I know it doesn’t really seem that way, but I do care about you and not just the baby. What happened last night--last night... I guess was kind of like a wake up call. I want to change, no I _will_ change. I know I need to stop drinking, and I’ll stop sleeping around. I want to be a better person for you _and_ our child.”

“Okay.” Andy said the words resignedly like he didn’t dare to believe him and even though that hurt, Ashley couldn’t blame him.

“I mean it.”

“Yeah I know.” Andy ate another Reese’s cup but he seemed to be eating because it gave him something to do...his face looked like his appetite was gone.

“Just give me some time. Time to straighten things out and I’ll show you I can be better. I need to get my head on straight and going back and forth with you while I do it is just hurting you.”

“I understand.” Andy said the words mechanically...and Ashley wasn’t really sure Andy did.

He tried again. “I’m really going to make things right.”

“Yeah, I know...and I agree. I mean things have changed and I see that now and what you’re saying is best.” Ashley frowned wondering whether Andy was getting some other kind of context from what he had said than he intended. Andy seemed close to tears and Ashley had expected that when he was mentioning last night but not now…

Andy swallowed thickly and whispered. “Are you still going to come visit while I’m here?”

“Of course.” Ashley frowned. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“I just thought you wouldn’t because…” Andy ate a piece of candy and then mumbled through a mouthful of chocolate. “CC and Jinxx won’t though...they’re mad at me...Jake too I think.”

“Huh?” Ashley tried to follow the abrupt change in conversation and mentally frowned. “Why would you think that? If they’re mad at anyone it’s me, not you.”

“CC and Jinxx never visited me last night and when Jake did he was really upset.”

“Jinxx is in the hospital and CC had surgery last night. He was pretty out of it when I saw him after the procedure.” Andy sat up straighter and looked at Ashley with wide eyes.

“What? But...but Jake said he was okay…”

Ashley’s eyes widened as he realized Andy hadn’t known about CC and Jinxx. But it was too late to stop so Ash focused on emphasizing the positive. “He is okay. Everything went fine, and he’s doing good. Probably just sleeping it off in his room. Or Jake’s. Who knows, Jake didn’t really want me around last night.”

“Surgery?”

“Yeah.”

“But he said he was fine yesterday.”

“He probably didn’t want to worry you.”

“I--I didn’t mean to hurt him...really I didn’t.” He started sobbing and Ashley shut his eyes for a moment trying to calm himself... _this was why Jake hadn’t wanted him to come...he always screwed up stuff._

Ashley opened his eyes to see a devastated Andy. “What was hurt?” Andy stifled the tears long enough to ask.

“His testicle.”

Andy sobbed even harder at that and mumbled. “Now he’ll never have kids.” Ashley would have pointed out how CC had two testicles and only one had been injured, but Andy was crying so hard he doubted that would be helpful. Similarly he discarded pointing out how with CC’s issues about having sex it would be quite surprising if he had kids. Instead he said something different.

“He’s fine. The docs fixed him up perfectly good as new.” Andy seemed somewhat mollified at that but before Ash could breathe a sigh of relief Andy had started up again.

“Why is Jinxx in the hospital?”

“He uh...his disease flared up and he was dehydrated. Jinxx has been either skipping or forgetting to take his meds...that’s _not_ your fault.”

It took Ashley a few minutes to convince Andy of that and calm him down, but as the tears stopped Andy’s expression turned angry.

“Jake lied to me!”

“What?”

“He said when I asked him where the guys were, Jinxx was in the waiting room with CC. He lied to me Ash...lied!” Andy continued. “I’m tired of being lied to.”

Ashley swallowed thinking of all the times he had lied to Andy over the past few months. But Andy wasn’t looking at him. Instead he was angrily ranting. “I thought Jake was the one person who wouldn’t do that to me. The one person who would be honest!”

“He lied because he was trying not to worry you.”

“I don’t fucking care!” Andy yelled the words. “I’m never talking to him again. I’m not playing video games with him. I’m throwing all the crap nasty smelly vegetable stuff he keeps in the tour bus fridge out!”

Ashley would have laughed at Andy’s increasing plots for revenge but he could tell how under the absurd threats Andy was very hurt. A thought occurred to him though causing Ashley to frown.

“Andy when’s the last time you checked your blood sugar? When it gets low you know the doctors said you can get mood changes and--”

Andy turned to look at him with a glare. “My blood sugar is fucking fine Ashley! Jake is not!” And Andy continued. “I’m not talking to that goddamn lia again.”

Andy had started to pace and now he sounded more sad than angry. “I can’t believe Jake did this...what if something had happened to CC during surgery? What then, I didn’t even know CC _was_ going...and Jinxx...this is all my fault. I hate Jake!” Predictably Andy started to cry. Ashley got up at that.

He awkwardly wrapped his arms around Andy who even though he was a good head taller sort of bent over so he was crying into his shoulder. “Calm down, it’s all fine now. Jake was just trying to protect you because he cares. We all do.” Without thinking Ashley brushed Andy’s hair away from his face and kissed his cheek.

Andy tensed like he was startled and Ash pulled back realising what he had done... _right...he was supposed to NOT be leading Andy on falsely...he had to get himself straightened out first before there could be a them._

“Sorry.” Ashley automatically apologized.

Andy who’s eyes had brightened at the kiss, looked down. “It’s okay.” The words were mumbled. Seconds stretched and Ashley couldn’t leave Andy looking so hopeless...he cast around for something to say...then he remembered.

“Hey Andy...what were you going to tell me yesterday?”

Andy looked up, “What do you mean?”

“You know yesterday when you walked in and uh--” Ashley broke off feeling terrible.

Andy visibly flinched but didn’t otherwise react. “Oh yeah, the test they did found out the baby’s gender.”

Andy was watching him closely and Ash knew it was to see if he actually cared. He didn’t have to feign enthusiasm, “Shit, for real?”

“Yeah.”

Ashley let out a yelp of excitement and Andy grinned. “It’s a girl.”

“Fuck yeah!” he reached out pulling Andy close and hugging him tightly.

Andy hugged him back and then squirmed away after a moment. “You’re going to make those reese’s come back up with all that hugging.” Andy placed a hand to his stomach with a frown...it’s like everything is turning around in there like I swallowed a jumping bean.”

Ashley laughed at that and reached out placing a hand on Andy’s belly. Andy leaned into him as Ashley gently massaged the baby bump.

“That feels so good.”

“Well I’ll have to do this more often then.”

“Mhmmm” Andy moaned. He yawned and then rested his head on Ashley’s shoulder closing his eyes sleepily as he leaned against him. Ashley couldn’t smiling at the sight of Andy, finally looking relaxed and peaceful. Even with grubby patient scrubs, tangled hair and tear streaked face Andy was gorgeous to him.

“I bet the baby--she-- is going to be just as fucking beautiful as her mother.”

Andy opened his eyes. “God no, I hope she looks loads better than a half man, half woman--whatever I am like me...I make a passable guy but I’m a ugly chick.”

“Not to me. To me you’re beautiful.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“I’m saying it because I mean it.”

Andy hesitated for just a few seconds then his face broke off in a smile. “Thanks Ash, you’re not too bad looking yourself.”

Ashley chuckled and was about to say something else when the blonde girl came back. “Oh my god, the stuff people do here.” She muttered the comment under her breath and then added to them. “Sorry guys we have to cut visiting time short.”

“What?” Andy glanced at the clock, “But we’ve got twenty more minutes.”

“It’s not just you it’s everyone.”

Andy started to protest but Ashley quickly said. “It’s okay.”

“You’ll come tonight though right?”

“Of course.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.” Ashley smiled again giving Andy’s hand a squeezed then started to walk away. He had a sick feeling in his stomach though, because he saw a single tear drip down Andy’s cheek and knew that even after it all he didn’t believe those two words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, the story will continue. I am now writing the story alone, so updates will be less frequent, I'm still looking for a new beta or coauthor but that's kinda hard to find in bandom. Good news is after this on is finished there will be a sequel to LAV and a new multichap :)


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have another chapter, And if anybody reads this and also my star trek stories, so sorry there hasn't been an update.

It took Ashley a minute to find Jinxx’s room from the hospital receptionist, by the time he got there he had managed to feel better about his visit with Andy. Considering all things it had gone well and Ashley was so excited to know the baby was a girl...if she had been a boy it would have still been the same excitement...there was something about knowing how to envision the child he had created with Andy that made him love them both all the more.

Ashley frowned as he reached Jinxx’s room and heard voices...one of which was Jake. He thought about not going in to avoid the guitarist but his desire to see Jinxx won out against his desire to avoid a confrontation with Jake.

Jinxx was laying in a hospital bed two IV lines trailing down each arm and some kind of monitor beeping above his bed. He looked tired but otherwise okay. Jake was sitting on the edge of Jinxx’s bed and CC was half dozing in a chair.

Conversation petered out as he walked in. Jake was the first to speak. “Well there you are.” He said the comment a little meanly and Jinxx glanced at him frowning.

Jake wasn’t done though. “Where have you been? I went to your hotel room to look for you and you were gone...figured you were off getting drunk.”

“Jake…” Jinxx said it warningly.

“What it’s the fucking truth, don’t tell me you didn’t think the same thing.”

Jinxx started to say something but Ashley shook his head. “Don’t bother, I deserve that.”

“Fuck yeah you do.” Jake started to say something else but CC woke up stretching and yawning and all eyes turned to him.

“Hey you feeling okay Chris?” Jake immediately asked going over to where the drummer was blinking blearily in his chair.

“Yeah...fin’” The words were slightly slurred and Ashley frowned glancing at Jinxx.

Jinxx answered the unspoken question. “CC is high, Jake gave him some pain meds before he came and CC’s a total lightweight.”

“‘Not a light weigh’...and definitely’ not high.” CC protested, rubbing his eyes looking for all the world like a little kid. He started to say something else but then seemed to notice Ashley. “Ashley! Where have you been?” CC stretched out his arms for a hug and Ashley smirked a little but obliged.

High CC matched drunk CC, which was to say CC was exuberantly happy either way...and he had no filter. Ashley asked. “So is everything okay with you?”

“I’m fixed.” He nodded. “Not like a dog is fixed though...that would be bad…” He laughed at that then continued. “I just hurt a little but that is supposed to go away.”

Ashley nodded patting CC’s arm. CC continued, leaning in close to Ashley. “They said I can’t have sex though for a week...and I told the doctor that wasn’t a problem I haven’t had sex in--” Ashley placed a hand over CC’s mouth. Besides not wanting know the drummer’s sex habits Ash knew CC would be mortified once he was sober and realised what he had said.

He pulled his hand away after a moment to hear CC finished. “And the Doctor laughed and said I was weird...I guess I am a little weird.” He didn’t seem concerned by the revelation in the least. Instead he abruptly switched topics. “Ashley?”

“Yeah CC?” Ashley furrowed his brows, hesitant to hear what a high CC might say.

“I know you love Andy.”

Ashley swallowed at that and Jake and Jinxx fell silent too, you could have heard a pin drop. CC didn’t notice the sudden silence. “And Andy loves you...you guys should be together….but you have to stop what you’re doing...ya know?”

“Yeah...I know.”

“You can do better.”

“Yeah CC.”

CC looked at him with solemn drugged eyes. “I know one of the reasons you keep going back and forth...your parents.”

Ashley felt his mouth go dry at that, his heartbeat picked up. “Yeah...what do you know.”

CC pulled him close, so Ashley’s ear was right near his mouth. “I read the accident report...I looked them up. The other guys don’t know.”

Ashley pulled back but CC was already onto another subject. Ash turned to Jake to find both him and Jinxx focusing on CC a little exasperatedly.

Jake ran a hand through his hair, then sighed. “I thought about leaving him in the hotel, but he begged to come plus he’s really loopy right now and I didn’t trust anyone else to watch him. As he is now alone, he’d probably walk off one of the balconies or something.”

Ashley nodded, trying to put CC’s words out his mind, he cleared his throat focusing on Jinxx. “So what’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing much, I had a flare up from not getting my meds like I should….plus turns out I have Gastroenteritis--stomach flu---on top of all that.”

Jake made a face…”You’re staying away from me dude, last thing I need on tour is diarrhea...it’d be the fucking shit topper to this whole crap sundae.”

“Really eloquent Jake.” Jinxx said.

“Bite me.”

Jinxx half smiled and added. “So I’m getting IV fluids and antibiotics and some other meds and in a day or two I should be great.”

“Awesome.”

Jake, who was turning into an uncharacteristic pessimist said. “Not great, I spent all the first part of this morning since 5 am, taking care of CC and trying to get things set up with our manager to cancel the tour for the week...maybe even the whole thing---though that’s still up in the air.”

Jinxx sobered up at that. “Yeah, it might be a good idea though, the stress on Andy is crazy and if we cancel the tour--”

“He’ll freak--” Jake massaged his temples looking upset. “It would be a good idea but Andy will freak out and having something to take his mind of things is probably a good idea...if he’s okay when he gets out...then we’ll just have to go from there….which reminds me I better go see him before visiting hours are over.”

“They already are.” Ashley blurted it out without thinking.

“What? How do you know?” Jake answered his own question. “You went to see him didn’t you?”

Ashley knew there was no point in lying so he nodded.

“Fuck you, you selfish asshole!”

“I wanted to apologize!”

“Bullshit...Andy doesn’t need to hear your self serving apology.”

“It wasn’t like that...I realised I need to stop what I’m doing and make some changes.. Cut back on drinking...no more banging random chicks…”

“Like you’ll do any of that…”

“I’m serious. I told Andy I would and I _will!_ ”

“After everything you’ve done, you think I’m just going to believe anything you say? Screw you Ashley!”

Ashley stopped and tried to calm his temper down. The last thing he needed was to start a fight with Jake and prove Jake right that he couldn’t change. Instead Ashley walked around to the empty seat on the other side of the room of Jake. He was grateful for Jinxx’s change of subject.

“So how _did_ it go with Andy?” Ashley scratched his arm and looked at the floor.

“Not as bad as I expected. Andy’s still blaming himself for everything, which I told him not to, but you know how he is.” Jinxx nodded and shifted in the bed. Ashley continued, wanting to at least be mostly up front with them. “That one nurse...Heather or whatever, she’s a real bitch. You know what she did? She forced Andy to eat breakfast this morning. Andy told me what was on the tray and not one of those foods Andy can keep down. It pisses me off so much!”

“Great that you care so much about Andy's meals but don't give a shit about him as a person.” Jake snapped out, glaring at him.

Ashley bit his lip wanting to say something but Jake wasn't done. “You're not seeing Andy again.”

“You can't tell me what to do.”

“I can and I will...you're not the one who’s going to have to hold Andy as he cries, or coax him into eating, or check his blood sugar because he hasn't taken his meds when you finish fucking around with him again!”

Ash bristled. “There won't be an again.”

“Damn straight there won't. Because you're not seeing him again.”

“I care about Andy! I made a mistake...a lot of mistakes but I'm not doing it again. I'm going to change. Give me a fucking chance.” Ashley stood up his fist clenched.

Jake took a step forward. “I--”

A quiet voice cut them both off. “I think it's a good idea if you visit.”

Jake and Ashley both turned towards Jinxx who had spoken. The three men stared at each other in silence then CC’s voice called out to no one in particular.

“I'm thirsty.” He continued when nobody responded. “Really thirsty.”

Jinxx sighed, reaching out and nudging the pitcher on his bedside table. “There's some water here. You want that?”

“No...I want a pain pill. Can I have that?”

Jake pinched the bridge of his nose and said in a pained voice. “No you had one about two hours ago.”

“But I hurt.”

Jake’s control snapped at that. “Shut the hell up CC.”

The drummer fell silent at the outburst but he looked hurt. Ashley frowned at Jake realising this wasn't just Jake being angry with him.

The stress of it all was getting to him. CC was silent for a few seconds then said again. “But I still hurt… And I'm thirsty.”

Jake swore at that and snatched a magazine off a bedside table and tossed it to the ground. “Will somebody make him shut the hell up!”

Jinxx looked alarmed at the outburst. Ashley was also but Instead of trying to calm Jake down and getting his head bit off in the process he walked over to CC.

“How about a soda or something?” CC nodded and ashley straightened up to find Jake shrugging off Jinxx’s hand.

“I'm fine.”

“No you're not”

“I'm fine. It's just Ashley who--”

Jinxx cut him off. “Okay that's it. You're not standing here picking a fight. Go get CC a drink and take a walk yourself…”

Jake looked defiant for a few moments then abruptly nodded. “Yeah okay.” He stalked out the room slamming the door behind him.

The three of them were silent for a few moments as the tension died down. Ashley looked around the room before looking at Jinxx again. He needed to apologize to Jinxx, and it was obvious this was the best time. As he opened his mouth to speak, Jinxx did the same, both of them speaking at once.

“I should apologize--”

“Ash I’m sorry--”

Ashley stopped as he realised he and Jinxx had spoken at the same time. They stared awkwardly at each other for several moments before Ashley started to say “Go ahead--” Only to stop as Jinxx started. “You first--”

Once again silence reigned until they heard an almost-giggle from where CC was sitting. Ashley turned to find the drummer laughing. “That’sss funny--you were talkin’ at the same time.”

“Glad someone is finding this amusing..” Ash heard Jinxx mutter. He turned back to find him frowning. “Look, I’ll just go first...I shouldn’t have said all that stuff back at the hotel. I mean yeah I was pissed...but I think you know I’d never kill you right?”

Ashley hesitated...he hoped Jinxx would never kill him but yesterday the guitarist had sounded dead serious. “I hope you wouldn’t, knowing for sure though...you can be really scary when you want to be dude.”

Jinxx chuckled at that, then sobered. “Yeah...thing is, I was stressed yesterday and after what you did with Andy...and those chicks...that was the last straw to what was already a really crappy day..not to mention week for me...I kinda took out some stuff on you and for that I’m sorry.”

Ashley nodded, but before Jinxx could beat himself up over it he said. “You were right though, you three gave me the kick in the ass I needed. I’ve been fucking over the whole band and Andy and it’s got to stop. CC is injured--” Ashley ignored the mumbled “I’s fine’--” from CC and continued. “You’re sick and Jake is at the end of his rope...not to mention Andy. And all of this is my fault.”

“Thank you, for apologizing.” Jinxx gave Ashley a smile who returned it hesitantly.

“Jinxxy you sounds like a self-rightness prick..” Ashley and Jinxx both laughed at CC’s words.

“Yeah I guess I kinda did.” CC nodded and sat back in the chair looking at the ceiling. Ashley raised an eyebrow and shook his head. After a moment he frowned as he remembered what had happened with Andy.

“Oh, uhh I also need to tell you something else. I didn’t realize Andy didn’t know about CC’s surgery…”

Jinxx’s face paled at Ashley’s words. “Oh shit.” Ashley nodded.

“Andy’s upset with Jake for lying. He pretty much threw a fit about it. I tried to tell Andy that Jake only did it because he cared, but Andy wasn’t listening.”

“That’s not good. We’re going to have to tell Jake what happened.”

“In his current mood? Yeah that’ll work great..” They both went silent for a few moments.

The silence of the room was broken as Jake came walking back in. His mouth set into a grim line as his eyes glanced at Ashley before walking over to CC and handing him a Cherry Pepsi.

“How are you feeling? Better?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s good. There’s a bit of an issue.” Jake was silent at Jinxx’s words, his eyes automatically going to Ashley Again for a brief second.

“Yeah, what’s that?”

“I didn’t realize Andy didn’t know about CC’s surgery and may have told him about it.”

“You what?! I can’t believe this! Is there anything else you want to spring on me?”  
  
“Andy knows Jinxx is in the hospital too.” Jinxx turned and looked at Ash with what Ashley assumed was a form of alarm.

“Great! See this is precisely why I didn’t want you seeing Andy. Because you always screw things up! Andy doesn’t need you!”

“Actually I think he does. Andy needs Ashley, more than we know. And people can change. I think Ashley will change and the whole band will get over this bump in the road and be a team again.”

“Cut the eternal optimist bullsht Jinxx. This band is falling apart. Andy coming out was a blip in the road, in the end that would be fine. But Ashley fucking everyone over is killing us all...I give us a few weeks tops before half the crew quits and even we go our separate ways.”

“And you’re saying if that happens it's all going to be my fault?”

“And you’re saying _when_ it happens it won’t be?” Ashley didn’t say anything to that so Jake continued, turning towards Jinxx like he couldn't stand to look at Ashley a moment longer. “This isn’t going to stop. Ashley isn’t, this will all get worse not better.”

Ashley couldn’t believe what he was hearing it was taking all his energy to respond civilly. The words came out in between gritted teeth. “Some People can change.”

Jake laughed and twisted around, he was half yelling as he said. “Some people being the keyword... _some.._ Not _you._ ”

Ashley didn’t even get a chance to respond because with that nugget of pessimism Jake left the room, once again slamming the door in his wake.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

He had been on the psychiatric ward a one full night and day. So far the people were still as crazy as ever but he was adapting. Thankfully, the nurse Heather who had set out to make his (and apparently several other patient’s) life miserable with her ideas of how things should be done, was off today. So Andy had managed to wheedle another one of the nurses, Rebecca, into getting him a tray of food he could actually eat without feeling sick. And some of the other residents were nice even if it made Andy feel a little weird to be talking to people who one moment were discussing a football game and the next were screaming about something totally random and talking to themselves.

Still, he had made two...friends? Did you call a schizophrenic and a guy who had overdosed on heroin then tried to kill himself friends? Or were they all just patient’s thrown together by some crappy circumstances...Andy preferred to think the latter….friends were better.

Jesse was skinny and constantly moving, like his skin was itchy. And Leslie had a tendency to laugh randomly, but compared with most of the people up there they were perfectly normal.

One good thing about the psych floor though was no one looked at him weird. He had become increasingly used to stares as his pregnancy became harder to hide, but up here a seemingly male that was also obviously pregnant (it was harder to hide in thin scrubs then it had been in his regular clothes) wasn’t anything to wonder about.

Ash had visited him last night as he had promised (even though none of the other guys had). Andy had already tried to console himself that Ash wasn’t coming, it was becoming easier to just expect Ash to go back on what he had said then to allow himself to hope and instead be disappointed again. But he hadn’t...Ash had came and visited him again...and almost even better brought more contraband candy.

Andy licked his lips tasting the phantom sweet saltiness of reese’s bites.

“Andy? Time for your meds.” Andy glanced up from the monopoly game he was half playing and looked towards the nurse’s station where a woman was standing there with a medicine cup and a clipboard. Reluctantly he put his fake money down and walked over.

He didn’t have many meds to take really, but the nurses had said while he was in the hospital he couldn’t take any meds unless the staff administered them. So his prenatal vitamin and his Reglan were dosed to him like a little kid. It would have been humiliating if everyone wasn’t treated the same.

When he grabbed his medicine cup after telling the nurse his name and birthdate and showing her his ID band he stopped and stared at the pills. There was the familiar white and beige ones...but there was another one...a pinkish pill he didn’t recognize. The nurse didn’t say anything and still had that serene half smile Andy didn’t quite trust plastered to her face.

“What are these?”

“Your pills for the afternoon.”

Andy narrowed his eyes wondering was she being obtuse on purpose. “Which are?”

“The ones the doctor ordered.”

Andy frowned and fished out the new one. “What is this? I’m pregnant and I’m not taking crap I don’t know no matter who ordered it.”

“I believe that’s your Celexa.”

Andy opened his mouth to ask more but she cut him off. “It’s a low dosage of antidepressants. Dr. Sanders thought it would be a good--”

Andy cut her off. He dropped the pill back in his medicine cup and clenched his fists trying to keep his voice level. _This was one of the reasons he hadn’t wanted to come here...they were going to drug him to the gills until he was a fucking zombie then call him “cured.”_

“I’m not taking it.”

“The doctor ordered it.”

“I don’t give a fuck who ordered it!”

The nurse tightened her jaw at that and respond. “If you don’t take your meds and you get upset we can give you a shot, plus noncompliance is only going to make you stay here longer.”

Andy swallowed at that, feeling his eyes burn...he just wanted to be treated like a human...was that too much to ask...and since he had came here he had felt like like one every moment that passed. He was the patient in 26, the suicidal one, the one with a sitter….It seemed that the staff hardly ever said his name. Plus everyone had taken to calling him a “she” which he didn’t mind so much, but no one had even bothered to ask... before apparently his “freak diagnosis” spread around the nurses, he had heard a few of them saying some pretty mean things about him being _transgender_ and _weird._ He was who he was and even if he had been transgender they had no right to be acting the way they were.

It was easy for the other guys to say that he was coming for help, but they weren’t the ones being followed to the bathroom, or forced to eat food and take meds they didn’t want...they weren’t the ones being dehumanized.

“I don’t want to stay.”

“Then take your meds.”

Andy’s eyes burned and he struggled not to start crying. His voice was muffled as he said. “No.”

He saw the nurse make a tick on her clipboard and tried to appeal to her. “I’d take it...probably...if I could just talk to someone first….I’m pregnant I don’t want--”

The nurse wasn’t listening. She didn’t even look up from whatever she was writing on her clipboard as she said. “The doctor wouldn’t have ordered them if he didn’t think it was safe. I’m sure he talked them over with you, you probably weren’t paying attention. But I don’t have time to argue with you.” She grabbed his pills and dumped the whole cup in the garbage and then called out. “Lindsay, time for meds.”

Andy stared at her, biting the inside of his cheek so hard he tasted blood in his mouth. “Can I take my other pills?”

The nurse stared at him like he was crazy...maybe he was. “You refused them.”

“Just the Cel--whatever that was...I take a vitamin every day and reglan three times a day.”

“Well , you’ll just have to wait until evening.” She said dismissively gesturing for him to move as a grey haired woman sidled up and grabbed a cup of pills downing them in one swallow and ignoring the offer of water as she dry swallowed.

Andy waited until she had left and then tried again. “Just the reglan then? If I don’t take it, I’m going to throw up--a lot--and it’s lunch in an hour.”

“You should have thought of that before you started refusing meds...which reminds me. You need your blood sugar checked and you have sliding scale insulin.” With that revelation she scooped up her clipboard and tray of meds and disappeared into the med room. Andy wanted to tell her to fuck off, but he instead he allowed her when she came back to take his blood sugar and then give him an insulin injection. By then Andy was crying. One of the nurse’s gave him a sympathetic look and passed him a box of tissues but she didn’t intervene otherwise.

Lunch was a disaster and Andy tried to eat and wound up vomiting most of it up. The nurses were even madder because he tried to get the bathroom and only made it to the hall before he got sick. The nurse who had refused to give him his meds talked about him “making himself puke” and being “attention seeking” as she glared at him while wiping the floor.

It was turning out to be a bad day. Ash still hadn’t visited by 2pm and there was only one more set of visiting hours...he was beginning to understand that Ash had probably lied to him about the others not being angry...after all if not at least Jake would have come to see him. Andy sat on his bed and picked at the stitches in his arm. One popped out as his fingernail caught it, he hissed at the pain, but that didn’t stop him from continuing scratching at the others. The pain felt better then sitting there staring at the walls, or listening to his roommate talk to herself...or whoever she was whispering in the corner to…

Plus, he was dizzy, but he didn’t dare ask for a snack....everyone was already mad enough at him. It was boring too, there was a few books to read but the pages were missing and after seeing patients eating paper he could guess what happened. The few DVD’s and VHS’s they had were cracked or really old movies...and the few other options were beat up games and basically colouring...Andy was not a fucking child...and he refused to colour no matter how boring it was.

“It’s time for your session.” Andy, quickly pulled his sleeve down and looked up at the person standing in the doorway. It was the girl who had been his sitter the first day while he was there and she at least was nice. He tried to remember her name...Megan...yeah that was it.

“With who? We already had group.”

“The psychiatrist I think.” Andy shrugged. He didn’t want to go but he wasn’t sure he had a choice. “Okay, give me a minute.” He took a few deep breaths trying to stop feeling so lightheaded. The girl waited patiently in the doorway, only moving to let his roommate by as she wandered off.

As his roomate left Megan came closer. “I heard you didn’t do so well with lunch?”

“Yeah.” Andy shrugged, then quickly followed up. “I wasn't making myself puke though.”

He was surprised when she rolled her eyes and gave a half laugh. “I didn’t think you were. You’re not like most of the people here...you just feel bad...not like something is off upstairs you know?”

Andy nodded warily not sure if she was playing some sort of trick. He was surprised when she pulled a small carton of milk out her pocket. “Anyway, I got this out of the fridge, technically you’re not supposed to have it so drink it before Kathy finds out and hands me my ass.” At his incredulous look she pushed the milk carton forward into his hands. “Go on, Kathy’s the nurse who dumped your pills...don’t worry she’s mean to the rest of us too.” Megan smiled and Andy gave a half smile too though he wasn’t sure what there was to be happy about.

He opened the milk carton and took sip, only to stop as he realised it was chocolate milk. His surprise must have showed on his face, because Megan grinned again.

“That guy who came to see you last night...Ashley? He said it was your favourite.”

Andy swallowed thinking about Ash. After talking with him, Andy was fairly sure what he had meant by “Taking some time to get his head straight.” was that he was breaking up with him. Which hurt and Andy felt stupid for feeling like that...because they weren’t together...Ash had made that clear and Andy had kept pushing and pushing and that’s why everything had spiraled out of control.

Ash was sleeping with other women because he could...they weren’t together...it was all in Andy’s imagination. And yeah Ash had been taking pity on him and Andy couldn’t blame him for what had happened...after all Ash deserved better than a freak like him...but still he couldn’t help feeling a little better knowing Ash still cared something about him.

Andy finished his milk and walked out following Megan to the therapy room. She left him, and Andy walked in feeling apprehensive. He had met with many psychiatrists over the years when he was a kid and then a teen...it never went well. They thought they knew him...and none of them had ever really understood.

“Hello.”

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Andy settled on one of the chairs across from a man in his early forties or late thirties. He was dressed in regular clothes and not scrubs...a pair of khakis and a button down shirt. His face looked kind but after Andy’s previous experiences with psychiatrists and even more with how this pysch unit was he wasn’t about to trust them.

“Hello.”

“I’m Dr. Bennett. I believe Dr. Sanders saw you when you first came in?”

Andy shrugged, he had a vague memory of some guy in a doctor’s coat asking him a bunch of questions early yesterday morning before but he had been too upset to pay much attention or notice what his name was. Andy waited patiently for the psychiatrist to respond and after a few seconds silence Dr. Bennett asked another question.

“So, Andrew? Andy, Ms. Biersack….? What do you prefer to be called?”

It took Andy a  moment to respond, he was used people just assuming. “Andy is fine.”

“Okay Andy what brings you here?”

“Is this some kind joke? You already know why I’m here.”

The doctor didn’t react to his snapped reply except to continue calmly. “I know what the ER doctor wrote, I know what the on-call psychiatrist said and the mental health evaluator. I know what the nurses told me a few minutes ago...I’m asking you...You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to but I’d like to know.”

Andy, felt the anger he had been feeling drained at that...He fingered his sleeve, then said. “Okay...okay. They said I tried to kill myself.”

“Who’s they?”

“The doctor, Jinxx, CC, Jake…”

“And were you?”

Andy didn’t answer that. He knew admitting to being suicidal was not going to make leaving the psych floor sooner rather than later possible, but he also knew the doctor was too smart to accept an outright lie. “I tried to hurt myself.”

“Are you feeling like you want to hurt yourself now?”

“That’s a trick question….if I say yes you’re going to say I’m suicidal and if I say no you’re going to say I’m not being truthful.” Andy shrugged. “I don’t want to kill myself...but I feel like a freak…”

He broke off and seconds passed before the Dr. Bennett prompted. “You feel like a freak.”

“Yeah….see I cut myself because I was hurting..and you probably think it’s stupid and yeah it is...but when that knife was cutting my arm it hurt but that felt better than everything else...it felt real and I could focus on that and not what happened.”

“And what happened?”

“Don’t you know?”

“I’d like you to tell me.”

“Ash, cheated on me--well, that’s not true...I’m being stupid. I’m always stupid.” Andy laughed mirthlessly and bit his lip staring down and playing with his hands before he looked back up blinking back tears. “I’m a freak, so Ash cheated..He doesn’t want to be with me...and I don’t blame him. I’m a freak...they knew that way back when I was a kid in school, middle school, high school...I never fit in. They used to do stuff….some boys cornered me in a locker room once and made me undress so they could see if I really didn’t have boys parts---I never told anyone that.”

The doctor didn’t interrupt so Andy continued. “Some kids shaved off my hair once, some others stole my clothes, I got shoved in lockers..you name it...so I learned to hide….and I forgot with Ash...I thought he loved me...but who can actually love this?” Andy gestured his hands down at himself. “Seriously who can? I’m a fucking freak...and Ashley took pity on me and when we had sex that first time it was just because he didn’t know what a freak I am...I should have just had an abortion and forgot this whole thing happened.”

“Is that what you want?”

“An abortion?...No--not really I just…” Andy let out a sigh and scrubbed his hands across his eyes wiping away the tears.

“I’m tired and I want this whole thing to be over...I have diabetes now because of the pregnancy, half our fans are talking about us, not to mention the newspapers...and I throw up all the time, the medical doctor who came to see me yesterday and today said I had something else hyper---I can’t remember.”

“Hyperemesis Gravidarum--it’s a fancy way of saying you have severe nausea and vomiting--you probably weren’t diagnosed earlier because you haven’t been seeing one OB regularly--a lot of people with this condition get very depressed.”

“I’m not depressed or even suicidal---not exactly--I just wish sometimes... I’d fall asleep and just not wake up.” Andy felt a tear drip down his cheek and then another. His voice was thick as he added. “I’m so selfish...everyone is worried about me and I’ve caused so much trouble. CC is in the hospital because I kneed him after he made me throw up the pills I took, Jinxx is sick because he forgot his meds because he’s always making sure I’m okay and have taken mine...Jake is mad at me because he takes care of everything...after I mess it up...and even Ashley is screwed up because of me...I’m the reason he’s drinking more.” Andy swiped the tears off his face with his sleeve and sniffed back the rest. “So that’s why I’m here.”

Dr. Bennett’s face was serious, and he looked genuinely concerned. “What I’m hearing from you is that you think you’re a freak and everything's your fault.”

“Because I am and _it_ is.”

“You need to look at the positive’s Andy...and even in your situation there’s some. You’ve got a successful band, you’re a very intelligent person from what I’ve getting when I talk to you, you sound like you have people who care for you, you’re having a child and you’re here to get help.” The doctor passed a box of tissues over as Andy started to cry again. “Now I want you to think about one positive thing about yourself and tell me.”

Andy had to really think about that, he sat the box of tissue back down and rested a hand on his stomach thinking. It felt like stuff was flipping inside and that made it hard to think, he absentmindedly thought about the baby and then something occurred to him.

“I never thought I’d be able to have kids and I’m pregnant.” The doctor nodded smiling slightly and Andy gave a hesitant smile back...then another thought popped into his mind. It was ridiculous but definitely a positive. “And the baby’s name isn’t Annie.”

The doctor chuckled at that and Andy gave a half laugh too. He added. “Ash wanted to name her Annie, so I vetoed that one and we decided on Allison.”

“That’s a nice name.”

“Yeah.”

The doctor wasn’t finished though. He tapped a finger on the arm of his chair. “Now I asked you about telling me a positive thing about yourself...and being pregnant is a miracle really...but what about _you_?”

“What do you mean?”

“What are you good at? What are your strengths?”

Andy shrugged trying to make a joke…”Well, I’m not very strong….” he trailed off thinking...and after a minute or two shrugged. “I don’t really have anything. Jinxx and Jake are great at the guitar...CC plays drums, Ash bass...I’m not really great with instruments...I’m not the greatest singer.”

“Okay outside your band...what else...education, family...?”

“Well I’m a shitty daughter, I was terrible as a kid...my parents got called into school for me tons of times, I dropped out of highschool just before my graduation because I couldn’t take it anymore….and now I got myself knocked up and tried to kill myself and I’m on a psych floor….I’m a fucking mess. I’m a loser.”

The doctor’s voice was firm but gentle. “You’re _not_  a loser Andy. From what I’m getting is you’re having a difficult time, and for good reason. But you need to understand, what’s happening isn’t necessarily your fault...it’s life. Good things happen and bad things happen and often we can’t control it, but what you can control is how you react to it.”

“I guess.”

“It’s the truth.” The doctor smiled and said. “You’re intelligent, you’re kind, and you seem to be putting a lot on your shoulders, but what you’re not doing is taking care of yourself or seeing your self worth. You know what I see when I look at you?”

“A half man-half woman genetic freak?”

“You’re not a freak, and I want you to stop calling yourself that...what I see when I look at you is someone who has friends that care so much about you they weren’t going to let you quit at life. I see someone who’s got a lot to live for and a bright future ahead...I think you and Ashley can work something out...and no matter what happens you yourself can get through this..okay?”

Andy was openly crying now but he managed to hiccup out a muffled. “Okay.”

 


	17. Chapter 17

 

Andy looked away from the window he was staring at as he heard someone calling his name. Standing a few feet away was one of the nurses. He warily watched as she walked up to him. She was one of the nicer nurses all smiles and helpfulness, but after his experiences over the past two days Andy was wary of pretty much all the staff.

“Yes?”

“Ms. Biersack? You have visitors.”  He wondered who it was, Ash hadn’t been to see him that morning and Andy was wondering if would he come today at all. Then he realised the nurse has said visitors indicating it was more than one person. Excitement and apprehension warred with each other. He wanted to see the other guys and yet he didn’t. CC, Jake and Jinxx were probably all mad at him and for good reason too. Ashley had said they weren’t but Andy wasn't stupid and could tell when people were lying to him because they thought he was _pregnant and fragile_.

He got up from the chair he was sitting in to follow the nurse. They walked to the visitor's room where he had visited with Ash the first morning he was here. This time there was a lot more people. He had been expecting Ash and one or two of the other guys but all four were there.

The first person he noticed was a tired and pale looking Jinxx then next to him was Ashley and CC (who gave him a wide grin and a wave) and finally Jake, who was smiling but just barely. Andy gave them all a small smile but didn’t move forward, he stood there awkwardly until CC walked over to him and abruptly pulled him into a hug. “Are you feeling better?”

Andy nodded, he didn’t feel like hurting himself anymore but he still felt down about everything..considering what had happened over the past few days Andy kept that to himself and said. “Yeah.”

CC nodded, smiling a little goofily and that was when Andy noticed his eyes were a little unfocused and his words had been just a tad slurred. He glanced away from CC to look at Ashley questioningly. Ash gave him a brief hug and whispered. “CC’s still taking pain killers, he’s kinda high.”

“Am not.” CC protested.

“He is.” Jinxx scrutinized him closely for a moment before hugging him also. Jake, gave him a wave but didn’t walk any closer and his jaw was clenched tightly. The other guys noticed Jake’s behavior too and he could tell by their half glances at Jake before they turned away trying to ignore him.

“So what’s new?” Ashley asked as Andy settled onto a seat next to him and the other guys sat on the chairs and couch nearby.

“Uh, nothing really. I got started on an antidepressant...C-celexa I think it’s called. And they made me talk to a different psychiatrist today--Dr. Bennett--he’s nicer than the first one.”

“That’s good...is that bitch nurse still working?”

Andy shrugged. “I haven’t seen her since the other day.” He thought about telling Ash that a new nurse had taken her place and the whole lunch fiasco but knew that would make Ashley mad and considering how tense everything was he didn’t want to add to it. There was an elephant in the room and everyone was trying to ignore it. Andy looked up from where he had been staring at the floor and glanced across at Jinxx who was leaning back in his chair, his eyes half closed and his face pained. Jake was watching Jinxx out the corner of his eyes and as Andy watched Jinxx raised his hand ran it over his face, his sleeve fell back and that was when Andy saw an IV in his arm.

Jinxx, pulled his sleeve back up quickly once he had realised what happened but it was too late. “Why--”

Jinxx cut him off. “I’m fine.”

“That’s not what I was going to--”

Jake cut them both off. “Jinxx is still in the hospital, he snuck out his fucking room to come see you.”

Andy swallowed at that and felt even worse, but Jake wasn’t done. Jinxx turned to him, his face pale and tight. “Shut up Jake.”

“I’m not shutting up.”

CC joined in. “Stop arguing! We’re here to see Andy. Not argue.”

Everyone fell silent at that. Andy could feel the tension in the air, the words tripped off his tongue before he could stop himself. “Are you mad at me?”

“No.”

“Of course not.”

Jinxx and CC immediately responded. Andy didn’t believe them though and started apologizing. “I didn’t mean to hurt you CC, I was just--I’m so sorry and I’m stupid and selfish and--”

Andy stopped and swallowed, until he was sure he wasn’t going to cry again then started back. “And Jinxx, I know the reason you’re sick is because of me and--”

“Stop apologizing okay? They said they weren’t fucking mad at you.” Jake snapped the words.

Andy felt Ashley shift next to him and then he responded. “Jake, leave Andy alone.”

“I didn’t say anything to him except to stop apologizing okay? What you want him saying everything is his fault and saying sorry all the time? You like that, then you can pretend like you haven’t fucked up so much shit and--”

“Hey, is there a bathroom nearby?” Jinxx asked, grimacing. Andy would have thought he was just trying to defuse the situation but Jinxx’s expression was genuinely pained.

“I saw one in the hall.” Jake said, momentarily distracted from half yelling at Ashley as he turned to look at Jinxx. “Are you okay? Should we get you back to your room now?”

“I’m good...just feeling a little off...my stomachs cramping”

Jake muttered something under his breath to that and then turned to glare directly at Andy. “You’re mad at me.”

“No, I’m not.” Jake immediately snapped.

“I can tell, you are.”

“Don’t put god damn words in my mouth Andy okay? I said I’m not mad at you and I’m not okay?”

“Okay.” Andy whispered.

There was silence for a few moments in which Andy felt Ashley shifting next to him and knew that Ash was upset with Jake and that ratcheted his anxiety up a few more notches. He couldn’t take it if Jake and Ash came to blows again. Thankfully, Ash seemed to be controlling himself and Jake was likewise limiting himself to side glares.

“You should call your parents and let them know what was going on.” Jake’s comment was totally out of the blue but Andy knew he didn’t want to. The last thing he needed was his mother coming here and worrying over him, or his dad laying blame.

“I don’t want to.”

“I think you should,” Jake said evenly, his voice tight.

“My mom will just worry and my dad will say everything is Ashley’s fault and--”

“You need to call your Goddamn parents! You wanna know why? Because your mom is blowing up my phone, our manager’s phone...everyone is trying to find out what’s going on. The only reason she isn’t on a flight out here is because I haven’t told her what fucking city we’re at.” Jake had raised his voice and Andy cringed but Jake wasn’t done. “Your father is calling too, you think  I like having to lie to your parents?”

“No. Jake I didn’t think--”

“Damn right you didn’t think! You’re protecting that asshole sitting next to you and can’t get it through your thick skull he’s no damn good.”

Ash responded at that. “Fuck you Jake, leave him alone.”

“Shut the hell up.” Jake stood up. “You’re selfish, everyone is taking care of you, everyone is doing stuff for you. Jinxx and CC are fucking sick trying to take care of you and I’ve had it, trying to coordinate stuff with crew, evade your parents, handle the media and all on four  fucking hours of sleep these past few days. and Ashley gets off fucking scot free...You need to cut him out of yours and the baby’s life. Just fucking walk away from him already!”

“You asshole.”

“Shut up Ashley!”

“Make me mother fucker.”

CC looked as upset as Andy felt. “Will you guys stop fighting? I don’t like it when you fight.”

Andy started to cry as Jake rounded on CC and stabbed a finger in his direction. “And Chris that’s another thing. I’ve had it up to here with you. You act like a goddamn child half the time. Grow up for once. Stop walking around acting like everything is fun and games and don’t even get me started on you acting like Andy is having your child or something...it’s ridiculous how excited you get.”

Ashley glanced at CC and then said quite calmly for the circumstances. “Jake leave Chris out of this.”

Jake ignored him. “You’re absurd...you won’t even have sex and yet when Andy’s pregnant all of a sudden, it’s some big thing. Why don’t you go find some fucking chick of your own to bang and have your own fucking kids. You have a dick use it.”

CC was even more upset, and as Andy watched he rubbed a hand over his eyes like he was trying hard not to cry in front of them. Jinxx was ghost white.

Andy couldn’t stop sobbing, and pulled at the stitches in his arm, picking at the neat little rows as he tried and failed to swallow back the tears.

“I’m sorry Jake.” Jake either didn’t hear him or ignored him. In any case he was too busy glaring at Ashley to respond anyway.

A groan grabbed all of their attention. Jinxx was leaning over resting his head on his knees. “I feel like I’m going to puke.”

“Then get up and go to the fucking bathroom Jinxx.” Jake said uncharacteristically uncaring.

“I’m too dizzy.” Ashley walked over, and placed a hand on Jinxx’s shoulder.

“Want me to walk you there?”

“No, just give me a minute, I’m oka--”

“Great the liar is at it again. That’s another thing. You are not _okay_...Jinxx you’re sick. Okay? You’re fucking sick. And you’re even sicker than you usually are because keep trying to take care of everyone else. Namely the Ash and Andy show, instead of yourself.”

“I told you to leave Andy and everyone else out of this...you’re mad at me okay?” Ashley stood up walking over to Jake. “So be mad at me, yell, swear, Hell hit me if you want but leave everyone else out.”

“Everyone else is the problem too! Because they won’t stop thinking you will change!”

“Jake please don’t do this.”

“You need to leave Ashley...You need to walk away for the good of the band and everyone.”

Andy let out a sob at that and Jake spat out. “Look at him.” He pointed at Andy. “You got him knocked up, acted like an asshole about Andy not being a guy until we find out, then you’re just a total fucking bastard dicking around with him every time you get a chance….Andy’s so messed up he doesn’t know up from down now. Walk away Ashley!”

“Jake--”

Jake was beyond reason and began yelling even louder. “Andy, stop being stupid and realize the truth! Ashley won't commit because sees you as a freak! He doesn't want to be with you, he wants to fuck you and play around with you, but he doesn't care! He wants some blond bombshell and not some woman who looks half like a man.”

Andy stood there with his heart beating frozen from the shock of Jake’s words. His words shouldn’t have affected him so much, as the words weren’t anything that Andy didn’t tell himself almost every day anyway. Still, the words hurt and he felt betrayed. Jake had just confirmed the horrible truth. _Ashley didn’t care._

“Jake, you need to leave.” Ashley’s terse words barely registered in Andy’s mind as the silent tears started back up again. Andy started picking at his stitches again, increasing the pressure.

It was a few moments before Andy realized he’d started to pull out his stitches. He didn’t mean to, not really. The pain of the stitches was something he sought subconsciously. An old habit that had been dug up from the past. Back when he had been in high school, scratching his scabs and reopening them was something he did in class when he couldn’t get to his razor. It was a cheap substitute, and had eventually turned into a habit that he’d do when nervous.

“ _I_ need to leave?!” Jake gave a hysterical laugh. “That’s cute coming from you, Ashley!”

“I don’t want to fight you Jake! You obviously need to clear your head. Security is going to come in here and make us all leave!”

“I’m not going anywhere.” Jake’s tone brought Andy out of his daze and back to the present. There was something about his voice. Before Andy could think on it any further, however, Jake swung a fist at Ashley’s face. The sound of bone and flesh against more bone and flesh made Andy cringe.

“Y-you punched him...What’s wrong with you?” CC’s eyes were impossibly wide as he stared at Jake in genuine horror.

“Stay out of this Christian!” Andy watched as Jake shoved CC off of him after CC had tried to pull Jake away from Ash. CC was silent after that and Andy could tell he was crying silently.

Andy pulled his feet up onto the couch and curled in on himself when Jake launched himself at Ashley and started pounding down on him. Ashley wasn’t retaliating, he was trying to get a hold on Jake so he couldn’t fight anymore. Even though his jaw was tight, besides trying to ward off the worst of Jake’s blows, Ashley wasn’t engaging him. Andy felt sick as he watched what was happening.

“Stop it! Both of you, just stop.” Andy said picking at his stitches feeling the threads pop and blood start to ooze out. The pain was peripheral and the action wasn’t intentional, it was an automatic  reaction to the anxiety of the situation.

Jinxx, who had been holding his head as if trying to quell the dizziness, stood up shakily, as Jake pushed Ashley again this time causing Ash to slam into a wall.”You guys are acting like idiots. For fucks sake stop.” Andy gave Jinxx a worried glance as he noticed Jinxx was barely standing and his voice had wavered.

And just like that Andy saw it all clearly. This wasn’t all his fault, but part of it was. Going back and forth with Ash about whether they were or weren’t together hadn’t helped anyone...in fact it had done a lot of harm. Tearing everything he had apart wasn’t worth trying to build something that wasn’t there….Ash had said he needed to get his head straight obviously as a way to let Andy down easily. And Andy needed to accept that and let it go...he wasn’t going to sacrifice his friends---no, his family for his own shot at happiness.

“Sit back down Jinxx.” Andy said the words quietly and calmly. He stood up for the first time in weeks feeling like he was a little in control. He didn’t turn to check and see if Jinxx had followed his advice. CC was once again trying to pull Jake apart from Ash. Ash’s control had snapped...as would anyone’s who had basically not fought back and their friend did his best to cause them serious injury. Ash’s lip was bleeding, as was his nose. Ash was fighting back now, but Andy could tell his was more self defense versus Jake who looked almost deranged with anger.

Jake was yelling as he fought. “Why do you keep doing this to him? Why? Why can’t you let someone who actually loves him--” Ashley fist caught Jake’s jaw and his words were cut off as his head snapped back. Jake backed up for a second, spitting out a glob of bloody saliva.

Andy quickly put himself between the two fighters before they could attack each other again.

“Get out the way Andy.” Both of them almost immediately yelled.

“I’m not.”

Jake tried to go around him and Andy stepped back in front of him quickly. “You have to stop!”

“If you don’t get out of the way I’m going to--”

“You’re going to hurt a pregnant person? Really you’re threatening to hurt Andy now?” Ash spat the words angrily.

“Shut the fuck up. I’d never touch Andy…” Jake snarled at Ashley. “I don’t hurt the people I love.”

“So what you’re doing now isn’t hurting Andy?”

“I’m not the one hurting him. I’m not the one who’s screwed everything up.” Jake’s voice was growing curiously emotional. “I’m not the one who Andy loves, because he loves someone who won't love him back. You’ve had all these chances Ashley, and every single time Andy keeps choosing the one who doesn’t give a fuck about him over the person who actually loves him and wouldn’t make him fucking cry every few minutes”

Andy froze at that glancing at Jake who was avoiding his eyes. Jake’s comments didn’t fully make sense or maybe Andy just didn’t want them to make sense. Jake didn’t acknowledge him though instead he was talking only to Ashley. “Assholes always win every time.”

Anything else he was going to say was cut off as security burst into the room. They took one look at the scene...Andy standing between Jake and Ash, Ashley the only one with injuries and the final nail in the coffin a frightened looking nurse peeking out from behind a guard and pointing a finger. “It was that one...the one with the long black hair.”

Which would have been laughable since every single one of them had black hair, dyed or otherwise, however the nurse  was pointing directing at Jake as she added. “He attacked the other visitor.”

That started a whole new round of issues. The hospital guards were talking about calling the cops, Ashley looked like he was going to agree but abruptly changed tracks. Jinxx was close to passing out and Jake continued to yell as the security guards made him leave.

Andy was still reeling after everything that he had seen and heard. _Jake loved him?_ Andy was still having trouble digesting that….but it made sense...kind of.

He didn’t get to contemplate Jake’s words further because the security was making Ashley and the rest of the guys leave and Ash had come over to him speaking quickly. “I’m going to take Jinxx back to his room and drop CC off at the hotel, I’ll ask one of the crew to keep an eye on him…”

“Someone needs to check up on Jake he’s--” Andy blurted out the words thinking about the anger and hurt on Jake’s face as he had been forced to leave. Ashley quickly cut him off as security guards gestured impatiently for him to leave.

“Yeah, I will--”

“Ash he’s mad at--”

“I know he is.” Ashley bit his lip and then finished. “I messed this up and I’m going to get to the bottom of things. Jake’s just upset and that’s my fault...we need to talk.”

And then Ashley was gone as were the rest of the band...Andy was left alone standing in the middle of the visitor's room. It was quiet all of a sudden, he could feel his heart hammering in his chest, he glanced down as he felt a drip of blood fall down his arm. The drop landed on the carpet sinking into it.

Andy stared at the stitches that he had torn apart in his arm….the broken line of neat rows mocked him...they were just as torn apart as everything in his life was becoming...


	18. Chapter 18

 

When Ash got back to the hotel, the first thing he did was drop off CC with their tour manager. He felt bad for leaving CC to Jonathan, but he had to make amends with Jake and he couldn’t do that with a high CC hanging off him. He started searching by checking their rooms. Letting Jake cool down before he confronted him was probably a good idea, but Ashley knew Jake would be beating himself up over what had happened at the hospital. Plus, the need to talk to Jake sooner rather than later about what he had said in the hospital was burning in him. _Jake was in love with Andy_.

The more he thought about it, the more he could feel a pang in his chest. Ashley loved Andy, and even though he hadn’t admitted it out loud yet things were changed. No matter how he tried to forget it, convince himself they couldn’t be together or struggled with his own issues about liking Andy when he had thought he was biologically male, he still loved Andy.

Hearing the things Jake had said had hurt and he would be lying if he said it didn’t spark a flare of jealousy in him when Jake had all but came out and said he was in love with Andy. That had been a shock, but looking back to how protective Jake was...how Jake had been even nicer to Andy than usual...how Jake had been taking every up and down of his and Andy’s relationship personally...it was clear Jake didn’t just love Andy in a brotherly way...it was something more...a lot more.

Ashley searched for hours. At first he hadn’t been too worried, but after searching fruitlessly without finding Jake, Ashley felt himself panicking a little. He had called Jake’s phone, which was either turned off or Jake was ignoring him, his hotel room (which Ash had wheedled a key for out of a maid) was empty, the band crew said they hadn’t seen him….Ash tried calling Jinxx’s hospital room to see if Jake had called him, only to have a nurse tell Jinxx was sleeping.

It was almost night time and Jake had been missing for five hours before Ashley found him on the tourbus. Ashley had resorted to calling area hospitals to see if anyone matching Jake’s description had turned up, when that had turned up a dead end, he frustratedly went over the same places he had already looked….after all what else was there to do.

And that was when he found him. As he checked the bus once more he caught a glimpse of a familiar shoe sticking out of one of the bunks, and let out a sigh of relief. He was simultaneously irritated at Jake for making him worry and weirded out as he realised the bunk Jake was sleeping was Andy’s. He slowly approached trying to figure out what to say and  knocked on the wood frame.

“Hey. I’ve been looking for you man.” Jake didn’t immediately respond, so Ash continued. “We were getting worried.” The _we_ part wasn’t strictly true since Ashley hadn’t wanted to worry their other bandmates with Jake being missing, but he was sure if they had known it would have been true.

Jake finally spoke after a long minute and when he did his voice was heavily slurred. “Why? You don’t care about me or anyone but yourself right? So why, tell me why?” Jake pulled back the curtains to glare at Ashley. He looked terrible. His hair was mussed, his clothes were disheveled. Glassy eyes stared at Ashley accusingly, and Ash could tell by how flushed his face was and the strong odor of booze that Jake has been drinking --a lot. Plus the several empty bottles of beer next to him and the half full bottle of whiskey in his lap were a dead give away.

Jake didn’t tend to drink as much as the others, and Ash in fact hadn’t seen him ever this drunk, with the exception of the few weeks after his mother had died. For Jake to have let go like this so much was a testament to how bad he was hurting.  Ashley looked away for a moment as he thought about how to reply to Jake.

“I’m sorry. For everything I’ve done to hurt you and Andy, and the guys. I know I’ve screwed up, but...but I want to fix it. I want to change. When you left the hospital I got worried because honestly most of this is my fault. If I hadn’t have pushed everyone so far, you’d never have snapped like you did.”

Jake was quiet as he continued to glare at Ashley. He took a sip of whiskey and Ash wanted to snatch the bottle away but didn’t because that wouldn’t end well. Jake swallowed forcefully then said. “You’re just saying what I want to hear….save it Ash.”

“I--”

“You what?” Jake gave a mirthless laugh. “I’m not Andy, I can take the truth. You don’t need to feed me your fucking lies okay.”

“Listen you’re right I messed up with Andy and you all, but I’ve seen the error of--”

“How many times do I have to tell you I don’t care...you keep messing over him and I can’t do a damn thing to stop it and it’s killing me, okay?” Jake stared at him, his eyes wet with unshed tears. “And you keep making these goddamn excuses, about your parents and your issues with commitment…They’re so fucking weak Ash.”

Ashley winced. He didn’t disagree with that, but something told him it was time to come clean with Jake. It had been time from when this all started, he needed to face it instead of sleeping around and basically being in denial like somehow it would all go away. “I haven’t been exactly clean with you about that--One of the reason I was so messed up these past weeks and basically taking it out on Andy was because I love him and--”

“Bullshit!” Jake swept his hand out knocking one of the beer bottles to the ground so it shattered, sprinkling glass everywhere. Jake stood up and Ashley took a step backwards. Jake yelled. “You don’t fucking love him, you don’t!” Jake poked a finger into Ashley’s chest and Ashley wondered vaguely was Jake going to attack him again, instead of dwelling on that he replied calmly (or as calm as he could be).

“I do--I just have an issue with Andy looking like a guy, but I do love him”

“You don’t, and I know you don’t because I do. I love Andy--I love him more then you fucking ever--wait what did you say?” There was silence in the tourbus, all you could hear was Jake’s heavy breathing.

He blew out a breath. “Fuck--I can’t believe you just said that--I mean Jinxx, I can understand and everything but you?”

Ash frowned wondering what Jake had meant when he mentioned Jinxx, but he filed that away to ask about later and said. “Yeah--but it’s not Andy..it’s me.”

“Is that what you told him? Have you been telling Andy you think there’s something wrong with him? Is that why he keeps saying he’s a freak?”

“What? I’d never.” Jake snorted and Ashley quickly rushed on. “Listen, I loved Andy before we slept together. For years before I knew he was a she--or whatever--”

“And--”

“And it’s bothering me. It’s bothering me that I liked a guy or someone who I thought was a guy and then slept with them..and I’m still attracted to Andy.”

Jake’s eyebrows were furrowed, like he was confused. “So you’re gay?”

“Yes...I mean no..maybe….I like banging chicks...I’m attracted to women...but I’m also attracted to Andy and--I don’t know what that means.”

“Well this makes a lot of sense and no sense whatsoever.” Jake sighed. “It means whatever you want it to mean---maybe you’re bisexual.”

“Yeah but I can’t be--”

Jake narrowed his eyes. “Why not?”

“Because--” Ashley swallowed feeling really stupid. “I grew up in the country, rural Missouri”

“I don’t need your life history.”

“Hear me out.” Ashley ran a hand through his hair trying to figure out how to say this without seeming like a dick. “It was good for the most part, but being gay, or bisexual or anything but a straight god-fearing christian wasn’t exactly tolerated...and I guess I still have some hangups from that...so instead of facing it I’ve been drinking and going back and forth with Andy...because I love him--but I keep thinking it’s wrong or something--I don’t know it’s fucked up.”

“Yeah it is, but I don’t care what anyone else thinks, Andy deserves to be loved. Loving him isn’t wrong, no matter what anyone thinks and I think deep down you know that right?”

Ashley’s throat felt thick but he managed to say. “Yeah.” It was different knowing it and having another person say it out loud giving him permission to actually feel okay to feel it. There was still some other stuff to get off the table, however. “Jake--you mentioned a few minutes ago about loving Andy...and you’re serious aren’t you? You mean love like--me and Andy--not like say CC or Jinxx or whatever--”

Jake’s eyes welled up at that and abruptly he turned away and started walking. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Ashley gave Jake a minute to compose himself then went after him. He found Jake sitting at the tourbus dining room table. Jake was chugging whiskey from the bottle he was holding and Ash frowned. “Dude, you’re going to be sick as hell soon if you don’t stop.” Jake didn’t stop immediately so Ashley walked over prying the bottle from his grasp. “Come one we need to talk.”

“We already did and I don’t want to anymore.” Jake mumbled, blinking furiously obviously trying to keep from crying.

“Yeah I know, but no more secrets, everything out in the open...okay?” Ashley sat down opposite Jake. “You love Andy.”

That was the breaking point. Jake let out a sob at that startling Ash, his heart wrenched as normally strong Jake had tears falling down his cheeks. “I do--and I know Andy doesn’t love me back--not like I want him to. He loves you, which would be okay, but week after week I kept seeing you fucking him over and --I actually walked in on you guys having sex--and then you go ahead and do something like what you did that started this whole mess. I can’t take it.”

“Okay,” Ash didn’t know what else to say and was aware anything he did say was woefully inadequate. But Jake appeared to just need to vent.

“I’m okay if Andy loves you, I’m okay if I can never be with him, but I’m not okay with him hurting every day and I can’t do a damn thing to make it better.” Jake was full blown sobbing then and Ash hesitated for just a second feeling awkward before he got up and pulled Jake into a hug. It was less weird than he had thought it would be, but if Jake wasn’t so tired and miserable Ash would definitely have prefered not to have one of his best friends sobbing into his shirt.

It was minutes before Jake managed to cut down to sniffles and Ashley pulled back, using grabbing some tissues as an excuse to extricate himself from the embrace. He came back to the table and dropped the wad in front of Jake. Jake was looking at him still, and Ash felt he had to clarify one last thing. “I promise this is the end..I’m going to take care of Andy no matter what.”

“You’d better.” Jake mumbled, before wiping his eyes and blowing his nose.

Ashley nodded. “I will.” He hesitated but then decided since tonight they were seemingly airing all the dirty laundry to just go for it. “You mentioned Jinxx having a problem with Andy earlier? What was that about.”

Jake shrugged looking a little guilty. “Jinxx feels really bad about it...so don’t tell him I told you. He’s okay with Andy but he was having a hard time at first adjusting to Andy being a female and pregnant. So to make up for that he’s being trying way too hard to go the extra mile and I think that’s one of the reason he’s been forgetting to take his meds and has been getting sick lately.”

“Jinxx was having a problem?” Ash would have never guessed.

“Yeah , I know right...who would’ve thought. He confessed to me weeks ago, he’s been fine for weeks now, but he still feels guilty about earlier..you know how Jinxx is.”

“Yeah, unfortunately I do.” Ashley sighed. Jinxx was his own worst critic. “But we all care about Andy and that’s the important thing.”

“Yeah.”

Conversation petered out and they sat there for a few minutes each lost in their own thoughts. Ashley glanced at his watch as he noticed Jake starting to nod off. “We’d better get you back to the hotel.”

Jake blinked at him blearily. “Me? I’m fine.”

“Yeah you, you’re drunk as fuck.”

Jake shrugged but stood up.

“A few glasses of water, some aspirin, a garbage can just to be sure and some sleep are what you need.” Ashley added self deprecatingly. “Take the advice from the alcoholic.”

They were out the tour bus now and Ashley was half holding up Jake because he was so wobbly. Jake turned to look at him. “That’s not funny Ash..”

Ashley shrugged. “Well advice still stands, you’re already going to feel like crap in the morning this will take the edge off.”

“Didn’t think you’d care after what I did today.”

It took Ashley a moment to realise what Jake was referring to. But earlier in the hospital seemed like ages ago. Ash shrugged. “Dude I think we’re even...last time I threw the first punch ...this time you did...evens out.” Ash grinned at Jake and abruptly added. “Besides you hit like a bitch.”

Jake snorted punching him in the shoulder. “Right back at you Ash.”


	19. Chapter 19

Things weren’t perfect but they were better. And the tension that had been there for weeks had definitely lessened to more the stress that could normally be attributed to touring rather than the tension of piles of hidden secrets. Jinxx had been discharged from the hospital after three days and a strict order by the doctor to ‘remember’ his meds.

CC had made a full recovery and everyone was thankful to not have to deal with a high CC anymore….one incident of streaking naked down the hotel halls and then culminating it all by winding up naked in Jake’s bed eating candy was enough. Jake was still scarred from walking in to find a pain-med high CC snacking on sweet tarts while wearing not a stitch of clothing.

Things between Jake and the rest of them were back to normal and except for a round of apologies that morning after Jake’s drinking binge nobody was mentioning the hospital incident. The nurse’s still wouldn’t let Jake visit but he had apologized to Andy over the phone.

Andy was better too. Ashley had been visiting him twice a day everyday and he seemed happier. He had been cautious at first obviously not trusting Ashley to keep his promise of changing, but Ashley was committed to becoming a better person and things were slowly being repaired between them.

A week after being in the hospital Andy was discharged and everyone was excited and ready to be on their way. But first they had to settle some stuff...the tour was still on hold and Ash and the other guys were torn between cutting it off altogether or canceling the european leg entirely and finishing out the last two weeks in U.S. then calling it quits.

Ash wanted to finish and he could tell the other guys did too, music was their life ...how couldn’t they. But he was also aware that Andy needed to rest, Andy however as usual had other ideas….and as usual even though being the youngest of them all (by four years on the low end)  he was the most persuasive.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

“We are not canceling the tour!” Andy overtalked their manager causing their tour manager to sigh in exasperation. The man had presented some marginally reasonable points (to Andy’s way of thinking) but Andy had no intention of canceling the tour entirely. The European leg hadn’t really been on the table for a while now but he was determined to finish out the last weeks of the U.S. one. After the baby came who knew when--or if he would ever tour again---that last thought sobered him. He was going to have to come out soon and had no idea how fans would react.

“Andy, come on.”

“My mind’s not going to be changed.” At that their tour manager threw his hands up in a frustrated gesture.

“Fine, I’ll  let you guys discuss it. Tell me what you decide.” Then he was gone.

Andy looked around at the other guys trying to read their expressions. “Well?”

“Well what?” CC asked.

“What does everyone else want?”

“I think…” Ashley paused like he was trying to figure out how to say this. “I understand why you want to stay but I think for you and the baby it would be a good idea to cancel the rest of the -”

Andy cut him off. “The baby is fine and I am too, I feel the best I have in weeks actually.” Andy reached out snagging a piece of candy from the bag he had borrowed. He continued thoughtfully. “Listen I’m fine so, I don’t want a decision made based on me okay? I’m not going to lie if I feel bad or something I’ll tell you, but for now this tour goes on...that is if you guys want?”

“Of course we want to.” Jinxx muttered and the others half reluctant half excited agreed.

“Okay so that’s that.” Andy settled back feeling content.

Ashley shook his head a smile quirking his lips. “How is it every single time we wind up being talked into something by a 23 year old.”

“You guys just agreed, I didn’t force anybody.” Andy added, a little reluctant to potentially spoil the mood. “We need to have a meeting though.”

“I thought we were already having one?” Jake said smirking.

“No, I mean a meeting and everything that is bothering everyone we talk about, no more hiding...no more letting old stuff fester.” Everyone looked a little uncomfortable at that.

So Andy said. “I’ll go first.” He tapped a finger against his leg trying to pull his thoughts together. “I want to thank you guys for all that you’ve done for me over the past few weeks.”

There was a chorus of ‘no problems’ and ‘we’re your family.’

Andy continued clearing his throat. “However, I am not an  _invalid_. “

“Ungrateful little shit.” Jinxx said under his breath, half laughing.

“I’m not saying I’m not grateful Jinxx. I’m just saying with being pregnant and everything I’ve been a lot more emotional and upset, but you guys go too far sometimes. Ultimately I’d feel more normal if you didn’t treat me like all of a sudden I’m about to break.”

“We do not do that.” CC said.

Jake nodded. “Definitely not.”

“Well how about hiding all those tabloids and magazines from me for weeks…” The guys looked guilty at that, but Andy wasn’t done. “Or forcing food on me every few minutes, and lifting everything that’s heavier than like two pounds.”

“That’s not--”

“You snatched my  _empty_ duffel bag from me the other day CC.”

CC looked chastened. Andy was a little more solemn but it still needed to be said. “And you don’t have to hide the knives and stuff...I’m not going to hurt myself...I promise if I ever feel like that again I’ll tell one of you and go see someone before it gets so bad, okay?”

There was silence then nods. “Okay, we’ll be honest with you and you’ll be honest with us.”

“Who wants to go next?” Andy asked.

Jinxx spoke up. His face was flushed and sheepish by the time he started. “So, I uh---this is actually really embarrassing.” Jinxx’s face was a bright red and Andy had a half idea what he was about to say after talking with Ashley over the past week. Ashley had been keeping him updated on the band and one of the things was part of his conversation with Jake.

“I was having some trouble, with you being a girl. I mean that wasn’t the problem...it was just something to get used to, because I’ve known you for years and all of a sudden you dropped this bombshell---which is really my fault and not anything about you--and anyway I’m over it and---” Jinxx broke off, looking flustered. “You know I love you dude and we’re okay, right?”

Andy couldn’t help laughing a little at the whole exchange. He reached across patting Jinxx’s knee. “Yeah we’re okay, right back at you.”

There was only a second or two pause before Jake stood up and announced like he was trying to get something over with quickly “So, uh about me--I care about you--like a lot.” Andy nodded, wondering what Jake was getting to. “More than a lot and--” Jake glanced at Ashley and that was when he realised Jake was about to confess to what he had told Ashley.

Andy thought about helping him out as Jake obviously grew more flustered. Jake blurted out. “I have feelings for you.”

There wasn’t as much awkward silence since Ash and Andy already knew, what was surprising was Jinxx also didn’t seem fazed. The only person looking like the news had smacked them in the face was CC who had his mouth open.

“And I’m happy for you and Ash but...yeah I love you.”

“What?!?” CC half yelled the words. “When did this happen.”

“While you were in oblivious land Chris.” Jinxx said, but not unkindly.

Jake stared at Jinxx. “You knew?”

“Dude, it’s not that hard to tell to tell when you have a crush on someone...you go all sappy and overdoing shit.”

Jake looked like he didn’t know how to take this, but instead of saying anything else to Jinxx he turned back to Andy and cleared his throat. “I hope this doesn’t make things awkward.”

“I’m not going to make it awkward if you don't.” Andy said calmly, out the corner of his eye he noticed CC looked upset by something. Jake on the other hand looked relieved.

“Cool.”

Ashley was the last person to respond, and contrary to what everyone had expected he said. “I need help cutting back on drinking.”

Everyone stared at Ash, and he looked sheepish. “What, I recognize I have a problem and I need to get better. So I’m asking you guys to help.”

There was a long moment as everyone digested what they were hearing but then the outpouring of agreement was overwhelming. Andy looked at Ashley thoughtfully, and for the first time his face was open, and Andy felt like he could totally trust what he was saying was because he believed it and not because he was saying what he thought Andy needed/wanted to hear.

Andy started to stand up, “We should go tell our manager what we decided and--”

CC cut him off. “You guys forgot about me….you always forget about me.” CC said the last part in a low voice looking upset. Andy glanced at him surprised CC had something to add to the list of issues (the drummer usually was happy-go-lucky and hard to upset).

“I just didn’t think you had anything to say Ceese’s”

“Yeah, well I do.” CC glanced in Jake’s direction and then stood up..he opened his mouth like he was about to say something then abruptly closed it. When he spoke his voice sounded a little defeated. “S--someone’s been stealing my candy.”

Andy was half sure that wasn’t what CC had been about to say, but he frowned guiltily hiding the bag of peanut M&M’s behind his back.

CC wasn’t done. “I care about stuff and you can’t just ignore me all the time and take my stuff and--”

Andy frowned sensing even more that something else was up, before he could ask Ash chimed in. “CC, seriously? You’re getting this worked up over candy?”

“Yeah, I am because it’s mine!”

Andy couldn’t figured out what the real issue was so he apologized for what he did know. “We’re not ignore you, and CC I’m kinda the one who stole some of your candy.”

CC glanced at him, “that’s okay  _you_ can.”

Jinxx chimed in. “I uh may have taken some too.”

Ash scratched his head, and muttered  guiltily. “Yeah and me.”

Jake cleared his throat. “And umm, me too...actually I took a lot.”

Eyes turned to Jake at that revelation. Jinxx was the one who said what they were all thinking “Jake you don’t even eat candy most of the time.”

“What? I was stressed.” Jake said defensively, then added to CC.”I’ll make it up to you.”

CC looked a little mollified at that as Jake patted him on the back affectionately.  Everyone stared at each other for a moment, unsure what to do next.

“Group hug!” Andy rolled his eyes at CC’s proclamation, but everyone stood up and Andy had to admit it felt good, and finally like the world was right as he felt his bandmates holding him tightly.

 

☆═━┈┈━═☆

The last few days had been good for Andy, even with his mother showing up unexpectedly. Andy felt for the first time in a long time that maybe things would be okay. Reflecting back on his mother’s impromptu date, Andy frowned. She’d been only slightly hysterical because no one had told her anything about the postponement. They’d kept the fact that Andy was in a psych ward to themselves.

The bus was quiet, as it usually was first thing in the morning. For once Andy was up before Jake was and took the opportunity to make himself something to eat that Jake wouldn’t approve of. He loved the fact that Jake was into fitness and healthy eating, but being pregnant, Andy needed something unhealthy every once in awhile.

Looking through the cabinets, Andy pulled down everything that he needed and put it on the counter. Chocolate chip cookies, Chocolate syrup, Reese's peanut butter cups, whip cream, and the final ingredient peanut butter littered the countertop. Humming to himself, Andy pulled out a bowl and spoons. He crushed the cookies into the bowl followed by the peanut butter cups. Then he poured lots of chocolate syrup and the peanut butter on the concoction before filling the rest of the bowl with whip cream.

There was one more thing he needed: celery. Grabbing some celery from the onboard fridge, Andy happily brought the bowl and his spoon to the tables and sat down. When he took the first bite, Andy moaned loudly and closed his eyes before opening them again. It was the most delicious thing he’d ever tasted. As he went to take the second bite, he heard someone coming over. Looking up he saw a still half-asleep Jinxx and waved. Jinxx managed a wave back as he hunted for some coffee.

“Good morning.”

“Mmmhmm.” Andy snickered at Jinxx’s unenthusiastic reply. After a few moments Jinxx came over and sat across from him.

“Fuck this is so good.” Andy moaned again as he dipped a stick of celery into the sugary concoction and took a bite. Jinxx merely looked at the bowl and shook his head

“I don’t know how you can eat that man.” Andy shrugged.

“It’s actually really good. Wanna try it?” Jinxx looked at the bowl in wariness.

“I don’t know…”

“Oh come on please? Pleeeaasseee?” Andy pouted in Jinxx’s direction only to grin a few seconds later as Jinxx visible caved.

“Oh fine let me have a bite of that.” Andy pushed the bowl forward and offered him the spoon. Jinxx took a bite of the sugary goodness (having declined a stick of celery). After a moment Jinxx gave a look of approval. “Huh. That IS good.”

“Told you so.” Jinxx pulled out his phone from his pocket and set it on the table before taking another drink of his coffee.

“So how long have you been up?”

“Like half an hour. I actually slept pretty good last night.” Andy took another bite of the celery and sugar.

“That’s good…” Jinxx trailed off as he scrolled through his phone and took another drink. The cup was halfway back to the table before Jinxx started to choke.

“Jinxx! Are you okay? ” Jinxx waved off Andy’s concerns and swallowed the coffee before coughing a bit.

“I’m fine, it just went down the wrong pipe. I do not need to go to the hospital.”

“Are you sure? What if-” Jinxx held up a hand and cut off Andy’s near hysterics.

“I’m fine, Andy seriously. Everything is okay.” Andy hesitated before nodding. Jinxx looked at his phone again, scrolling a bit. Everything was silent for a few moments.

“So whatcha reading?” Andy tried to peer over the table. Jinxx looked up quickly and hid the screen from Andy’s peeping eyes.

“Uh, nothing...it was nothing.” Jinxx stuffed the phone back into his pocket. Andy looked at Jinxx thoughtfully.

“If it was nothing, then why did you hide it? You’re not keeping secrets again, are you?” Andy felt the panic bubble up and wrapped his arms around his middle. Jinxx looked torn and slightly guiltily at Andy.

 

“It’s….okay I’ll tell you. I just didn’t want to worry you after everything that’s happened within the last like two weeks.” Andy bit his lip and and let Jinxx continue. “A friend sent me a message on Twitter with a link to an article.”

 

“Article about what?”

“About you...Someone found out you’re a girl and wrote an article about it.” Andy sat back his eyes wide.

“What does it say?” Andy put down his spoon and bit his lips trying to keep his voice level. He could tell today was going to be an emotional rollercoaster day already.

“I don’t think that..”

“Please, Jinxx. Just tell me what it says. I need to hear it.” Jinxx took a deep breath before pulling his phone out.

  
“Okay here goes, "A Hypocrite Uncovered. Andy Biersack has often boasted about being open and honest with fans. But sources reveal that he (or should we say she) is actually a liar. The Black Veil Brides singer has been acting and dressing like a male for years but is confirmed to be biologically female. She apparently lied to fans while she indulged her transgender fantasies but has apparently decided to transition back.” Jinxx stopped reading the article and looked up at Andy.

“The whole article goes on like that, basically blasting you. I’m so sorry.” Andy nodded and looked down at the table with tears filling his eyes.

"It's okay." Andy wiped a hand quickly across his face and sniffed back the tears that threatened to start. "I knew someone was going to find out sooner or later."

“No, it’s not okay. They’re twisting the truth to make something that will grab more attention. The whole article goes on in that fashion. They’re attacking you. When everyone gets up we’ll have a discussion about it and have our publicist put out a statement. How does that sound?”

“We’ll have the meeting, but...I want to tell our fans myself. It’s my secret, they deserve to hear the truth from me.” Andy reached up and wiped the wetness from his eyes as an upbeat Ashley walked into the kitchenette.

“Oh hey you’re awake. I have a surprise for you, Andy.” Andy looked over to Ashley as the bassist walked over to him. His eyes went wide as Ashley bent over and placed a tender kiss on his lips, before going to the coffee maker and pouring a cup of coffee.

“A surprise?” Andy wiped at his tears again and scooted over for Ashley to sit down. Ashley sat down next to him a few moments later with a steaming hot cup of coffee.  
“Yeah…” Andy sniffled as Ashley paused. “Hey are you okay? You look like you’ve been crying.”

“There’s….there’s an article...They know I’m a girl now...they said I’m a liar and a hypocrite.” Jinxx slid his phone to Ashley with the article popped up on the screen.

“Assholes.” Ashley wrapped an arm around Andy’s shoulders and slid the phone back to Jinxx after a few moments of reading. “Hey everything is going to be fine. We’ll get everything sorted out. They’re just trying to get attention.” Andy nodded and leaned into Ashley’s chest.

“What’s the surprise?” Andy changed the subject as Ash’s earlier comment registered. He looked up into Ashley’s face with wide curious eyes. Ashley grinned and placed a kiss on his forehead.

“If I told you it wouldn’t be a surprise, now would it?”

☆═━┈┈━═☆

“Where are we going? Where are you taking me?”

“You’ll see here real quick. No peeking.”

“I’m not peeking. It’s kinda cold out here.”

“We’ll be there in a moment. Have patience.”

“I don’t _want_ to be patient.” Ashley laughed at Andy and continued leading him. Andy huffed and let himself be guided.

“It’ll be worth it trust me. Almost there, I promise.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.” After a few more moments, Ashley stopped him and wrapped his arms around Andy’s middle from behind. “Okay now you can take the blindfold off.”

“You’re not pulling my leg are you? Are we really here?” Ashley laughed again.

“Yes, we’re really here. Go ahead.” Andy pulled off the blindfold and looked around. It was late in the afternoon, the sun starting to sink back into the horizon. They were in a park near a lake and Andy was struck by the beauty of the spot.

“It’s beautiful.” Andy looked around and spotted a blanket with a basket on top just a few feet to his right. “Do you realize how cliche this is?”

“Yes.” Ashley kissed Andy’s cheek while still holding him from behind. Abruptly he pulled away, he brushed some of Andy’s loose hair out of his face. “Sometimes Cliches are what’s needed.”

“Is this a date? Are we going on our first date?”

“Maybe.. And what if it is?” Andy looked thoughtful for a moment before smiling.

“Then I love it.”

“Good. Now let’s go sit down and eat.” Ashley helped Andy sit down before sitting next to him on the blanket.

Andy was pleasantly surprised that Ashley had packed all of his favorite foods (that he could still eat) into the picnic basket. After eating, they went on a leisurely walk around the park. Andy was pleasantly tired by the end and was grateful to cuddle up next to Ashley on the blanket as they watched the lake and the night fell.before they returned to the blanket. It was starting to get cool as the sun set and Ash produced a blanket and pillows, covering them both with the blanket.

“This was the best first date I’ve ever been on.” Andy snuggled into Ashley’s side a bit more with a smile on his face.

“Me too. You know this is the first date I’ve managed to get through without something going haywire?” Andy turned and looked at Ashley with surprise.

“Really? With all the dates you’ve been on?” Andy looked at Ashley with a raised eyebrow as Ashley laughed.

“Well I’ve only been on a handful of dates actually. I usually just go the one night stand route. Two of the dates I stood the girls up, one of them ended with the girl going home with another guy, and the last one before this...well let’s just say it didn’t go well.”

“Wait you can’t just leave me hanging. What happened on that last one?” Ashley sighed and closed his eyes.

“It was a blind date that my buddy set me up on. I got to the restaurant and turns out I was set up with a guy. Big buff guy too.” Andy burst out laughing.

“Oh man. Ashley Purdy going on a date with a big buff guy?” Andy’s laughter died down as he looked at Ashley and noticed his face was serious. “I’m sorry please continue.”

“Yep. He was into motorcycles, old country music, weight lifting, almost everything manly you can think of and he was totally gay. Completely took me by surprise… The date was supposed to be a joke, but something made me actually sit down and talk with the guy. The more we talked the more I interested in him I became.” Ashley became quiet and looked at Andy for his reaction. Andy looked at Ashley back in thought.

“Why are you telling me all this?” Andy kept his tone calm and even, even though inside he was confused and worried. Was Ashley trying to say he was gay and didn’t want him? Andy may have looked like a guy, but was definitely female.

“Because you deserve to know. I hardly ever talk about my past with you guys. And what I’m about to tell you none of the guys know... So this guy was actually a nice guy and I really didn’t mean for it to happen, but we had a few drinks, one thing led to another, and we ended up sleeping together. The next morning when I woke up, he was gone with no note, no anything. I was left sore and really confused. Truth is...I had actually liked you for years, but was too uncomfortable with myself to do anything about it. I had thought for my whole life that I was straight, only liked girls. That night challenged that idea and I thought I was okay with it but.....” Ashley was silent for a moment. “That night we slept together I...I was actually working up the courage to talk to you. Instead we both drank waaay too much and we ended up having sex.”

Andy looked at Ashley with confusion. He didn’t understand what Ashley was trying to tell, not completely. “So, are you saying you only wanted me because you thought I was a guy?”

“What? No, not at all. I want  _you_ and I don’t care how you look or even if you’re a guy or girl.” Andy relaxed a little at that, Ashley continued. “This is about me.  _I_ was an asshole to you these past few weeks.  _I_ took out my confusion on you...and I still don’t know what exactly I am but I know you’re the only one for me.”

Andy stared at Ashley for a long moment searching his eyes. “You’re serious?”

“Serious as--well whatever the most 100% serious thing you can be.”

Andy laughed a little at that.

“I’m ready to settle down and I want you, no I need you in my life. You make me a better person.”

Andy swallowed, his eyes burning and his throat thick with the emotion behind Ash’s words. He leaned forward and kissed Ash on the lips before pulling away after a moment and trying to lighten the mood while still letting Ash know he had understood the gravity of his words. “Things are escalating quickly here...next thing I know you’re going to produce a ring and get down on one knee…”

Ashley chuckled and started to say something before a mischievous look popped on his face. Before Andy could ask what was up, Ash had jumped to his feet. Andy watched curiously still tucked under the blanket, as Ashley walked up to a food truck a little ways down the path that was selling candy and snacks. It was a few minutes then Ashley walked back grinning about something. One hand was behind his back.

“Why do I get the feeling you’re up to something.”

“I’m not up to anything.” Ash dropped to one knee and Andy thought he was about to get back under the blanket but instead he put his hand out and said “I just needed a ring.” There resting in his hand was a grape flavored ring pop.

Andy stared at it for a few moments in shock. “Ashley what the hell are you doing?”

“Proposing to you.”

“With a ring pop.”

“Shhhh, it’s short notice, I should get points for ingenuity.” Ashley said it so solemnly Andy couldn’t help laughing. “Biersack I want you to know I’m entirely serious here...no laughing.”

Andy swallowed down the his laughter with difficulty even though he could tell Ashley was having a hard time keeping a straight face himself as he said “Andrew Dennis Biersack, you are the light that brightens my world, the warmth on my face. You are my world, my everything, my Heart, my fire, the puker in my bunk..” Andy swatted at Ashley with a half frown, half smile on his face at that last comment.

“Hey!”

Ashley didn’t stop, he just ducked Andy’s poorly aimed blow and continued. “I bleed for you, forever I will lie awake. I would die for you, I see the truth. I've given you my heart to break. I would die for you.”

Andy swatted at Ashley again, barely holding in his giggles. “You just quoted one of our songs? Really? Now who’s not being serious?”

“Shhh, I’m not done.” Andy made a motion of zipping his lips shut and watched as Ash extended the ring pop further. “I need you so much. So will you take this confectionery delight as a token of my affection?"

"What am I supposed to say?"

“You’re supposed to say yes.”

“Or I can say no.” Andy grinned deviously at Ashley. Ashley gave Andy the most pathetic pouty look he could muster.

"Damn It I knew I should have gone with blueberry instead of grape...over even better dumped some peanut butter on it and...." Andy kissed Ashley, effectively shutting him up.

“Yes.” Behind them, fireworks shot up into the sky, exploding with colorful lights high into the air. Ashley grinned widely, and climbed on top of Andy.

“You just made me the happiest man in the world.”

“If I had known that was all it took to make you happy we could have done a candy proposal earlier.” Andy said laughing as Ashley slid the ring onto his finger. He took a lick of the grape candy before wrapping his arms around Ash and shifting so they were both on their sides.

“It may have been candy, but you know I’m serious right?” Ashley kissed him again, this time slow and deep. “I want us to be together.”

Andy thought of all the things he could have said but in the end he went with. “I do too.”

Behind them fireworks were popping in the sky and colours bursting out against the black backdrop. A few other people were spread out on the grass, but they were far enough away Andy felt like he and Ash had privacy. He made sure the blanket was covering them, then started to ease his pants down. “We can be together right now.”

He pressed closer to Ash, kissing him and was surprised when Ash gently grabbed the waist of his jeans pulling them back up.

“I don’t--I don’t think now is a good idea.”

Andy smirked, “Now you’re being modest? It’s dark no one can see us….well not really well anyway.”

“It’s not that.”

Andy’s heart sank a bit at that and he pulled away from Ash. Trying to say offhandedly. “So you just don’t want to have sex with me...you think I’m--”

“I think you’re fucking gorgeous.” Andy looked back up at Ashley only to find the man staring at him earnestly. “I just want to take things slow, and do this right this time. I don’t want you to think all I care about is sex.”

“I don’t--” Andy started to protest.

Ashley shook his head. “I want to do this right, and you deserve it.” He leaned forward and Andy allowed him to kiss him again even though he felt confused. Ashley cleared his throat and said a little awkwardly. “I don’t want you to just accept everything I say and forgive me for a week and a half ago and the past few months. I want you to see I’ve changed...okay?”

Andy nodded. It made sense and even though he understood what Ash was saying, he wanted something more out the night. “So, we can’t--”

“We can kiss...we can cuddle.”

Andy frowned, “That’s all.”

Ashley smirked at him “Don’t be so dismissive sweetheart.” Ashley climbed back over him so their bodies were pressed together, and his lips were once again against Andy’s. “This is definitely not going to be  _all._ ”

What followed was one of the best nights Andy had in long time.

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains graphic scenes that may be triggering for some people. If you wish to know what the content of this chapter is there is a brief description of the content. If you wish to continue reading the story but would like to avoid the graphicness of the chapter a summary of the chapter is provided and you may skip this chapter and continue reading the next one when it is posted. Thanks for understanding.

“I can’t walk on stage and lie again tonight.” Andy stopped pacing turned toward Ash who was leaning against his dressing room door with his arms folded.

“What do you mean lie.” He frowned.

“These past few shows people have been asking and that one guy last night...he knew Ash--he knew and I just let the crowd boo him and --”

Ashley came closer. “We have an interview planned, a day from now and it’s not your job to confirm or dismiss every rumor people throw at you.”

“Yeah but I feel like I’m lying.” Andy bit his lip, pulling his legs up so they were tucked against his chest. After a moment, he put them back down, realising with a jolt just how uncomfortable that was with how big his stomach had gotten after 18 weeks of pregnancy.

Andy tried to relax as Ashley came up behind him and started massaging his shoulders. “I told you you’re not.”

He wanted to enjoy Ash’s hands kneading out the tension and kinks in his muscles but he couldn’t he was so wound up. “Ashley, I want--” Andy knew the other guys would shoot it down, and maybe they had a valid point. It was probably better to tell it during a conference where they could control the questions somewhat rather than a free for all if he went through with what he had planned. But having to walk on stage every single day and basically lie by omission was against everything he stood for.

Ashley caught the aborted comment and prompted. “You want what?”

Andy shook his head, starting to chicken out, he knew Ash wouldn’t appreciate his spur of the moment plan anymore than the others would. “Nothing, it’s nothing.”

“Come on, whatever it is you can tell me.”

“I--I want to tell people at the concert tonight.” Andy quickly continued before Ashley could respond. “I need to Ash. I hate this big secret and now that everyone knows me acting like it’s not the truth when it is, will just make everything worse.”

Andy twisted around to look at Ashley whose hands had paused on his shoulders. “Okay…” Ashley spoke slowly like he was thinking carefully about what to say. “But we need at least tell the other guys.”

“They’ll shoot it down!”

“And for good reason. Andy I think we should wait, and do this like we planned. We tell people you’re a girl, and let them digest that for a few days before we come out about us being together and you being pregnant.”

That was another thing that was bothering Andy...waiting to say they were together like it was some terrible secret. He was upset that Ashley wasn’t backing him and that was one of the reasons he snapped. “And what is up with that Ash?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Why are we waiting to tell everyone about us being together.”

“You know why, to give people a chance--”

“I don’t think that’s the reason, I think you’re still embarrassed we’re together or whatever--”

“I never said I was embarrassed of you!”

“Yeah you just acted like this.” Tears threatened to come and Andy pulled away from Ash, standing up and starting to pace.

“This is not about you! This is about keeping you safe!”

“How does lying keep me safe? More like it keeps your fucking reputation safe, you’re just worried if you admit you’re with me someone might think you’re gay or bi or whatever and you can’t people thinking you’re some kind of freak like everyone thinks I am.”

Ashley winced like he had been slapped. “Andy none of that is true! Have you read the comments people have been posting? They’ve been threatening some serious stuff and I think an interview would be safer.”

“We have security Ash..Don’t make excuses.”

“We also have a few hundred people who could do God knows what..”

“You’re such a liar! You said you changed! You said you didn’t care about me being like this--this--this freak that I am.”

“Stop calling yourself that!”

“Why it’s what I am! A freak, a god damn fucking freak!” Andy yelled out. “And I want to admit it and get it over with.”

Ashley patiently waited until Andy had stopped and then said quietly. “Can we stop? I don’t want to fight with you.” Andy didn’t say anything, he was too upset. His stomach was doing that weird flopping thing again, like little flutters.

He didn’t jerk away as Ashley came closer and put his arms around him. Andy wanted to bury his head in Ashley’s chest and forget they had a show in 15 minutes. He was terrified of confessing and terrified of the response he would get, but also he just wanted to get it over with.

Surprisingly Ash seemed to sense what was the problem. “I know you’re scared.” Andy looked into Ash’s face as he spoke. “And you have every right to be after how everyone has acted your whole life because of how you are. But you are _not_ a freak. Never. And especially not to me, understand.”

Andy hesitated then nodded. “But you see why I have to tell tonight? I can’t take this Ash, I need to--”

Ashley cut him off. “No, you don’t. And I’m telling you that you can’t.”

Andy stiffened. “What do you mean can’t.”

“You know what I mean.”

“You can’t forbid me!” Andy pulled back staring at Ashley with disbelief and anger. “This is my secret, my choice. My goddamn life! I finally get a chance to choose when and how to tell and you don’t get to tell me what to do Ashley!”

“Andy please.”

“No! You can’t just fucking forbid me!” Andy stalked out of the room, ignoring Ash’s attempts at reason. He avoided him until it was time to go on stage.

Jinxx, Jake and CC had picked up something was wrong with him. And Jinxx in particular kept picking, trying to find just exactly what it was. Andy felt bad for snapping at him, but he just wanted to try to get his head on straight before he walked on stage and changed everything, and Jinxx’s concerned questions were not helping.

Andy got through three songs. Ashley had been tense when they first started but as time went on and Andy didn’t break for an announcement he relaxed. Andy meanwhile was growing tenser. He spotted a few signs (like it was some political rally) that were directed at him “Andrew Ballsack, actually doesn’t have balls,” “Trannie Fag go home,” and his personal least favourite “Andy Fagsack should drop dead.”

They finished the first set and usually this was where they did a quick instrument check and caught their breath for a minute or two while having a (usually friendly) chat with the crowd. Andy glanced in Ashley direction and met his eyes, and in that fraction of a second saw that Ash desperately wanted him not to say anything. The look only spurred Andy on farther.

He grabbed the mike off the stand and walked to the edge of the stage. “I always say to be true to yourself and I wholeheartedly believe that. But the truth is, guys...I haven’t been truthful to myself and I’ve been lying to you all…”

There was a murmur of disbelief in the crowd but Andy pushed on. “You’ve probably heard the rumours and seen the videos...and I’m here to set the record straight.” Andy took a deep breath, he felt like he was about to choke. The words tumbled out into the near silence of the stadium as everyone waited to here. “I was born with female genitalia.”

There was a deafening roar from the crowd at that and Andy winced as he waited for the noise to die down. He glanced back at the rest of the guys, everyone looked shocked...except for Ash who’s face was inscrutable.

As the yelling died down, someone called out. “Show us!”

The cry was taken up, like a chant. “Show us, show us…”

Andy froze, and then suddenly the mic was being pulled out his hand. Ash had walked up and proceeded to tell the crowd viciously, “H--She, is not showing you fucking anything, you sick fucks!”

There was some more yelling at that and the chanting was halfway drowned out as more insults were yelled, as well as some threats. Andy was half sure he heard at one point, “Someone needs to fucking kill you, you gay piece of shit!”

It took a few moments for the crowd to quiet enough for Andy to speak. He started to talk, only to have his voice stick in his throat. His eyes were burning again at all the comments he had heard...the few positive ones were lost in the yelled swearing and curses. Before he started sobbing, he felt a hand slip in his and looked down to see Ash’s hand holding his tightly. Footsteps were on his other side as Jake, Jinxx, and CC walked away from their instruments to stand by his side.

Andy wasn’t sure what else to say except he just wanted it all out in the open. Ashley took part of that out his hands.

“Everyone that isn’t for this band and for Andy needs to shut the fuck up and walk out. Andy is one of the strongest---no, the _strongest_ person I know. And for all this time she’s had to hide and let everyone think she was something she wasn’t just to fit in. So for you fucking shit heads to come here and make her feel worse about something Andy can’t control makes me sick.” Ashley continued yelling out to the crowd. “I want to see you do as well, when everyone is making fun, or criticizing you! We--me and this band and our crew support Andy 100% and if you don’t then get the fuck outta here and go screw yourself, you motherfucking piece of shit!”

Ashley wasn’t done yet though, Andy felt his hand pulled a little higher and then Ash was telling the now, mostly quiet crowd. “We’re together. Me and Andy. If you have a problem with Andy then you have a problem with me too, because whatever happens we’re in this together!” The crowd was still eerily mostly silent in the face of the news and it made Andy apprehensive. The quiet wasn’t a peaceful sound, it was like a fake calm before the storm.

Someone from the back yelled “Oh my God Andley is real!”, there were more yells. “We love you guys.” “Congrats Andy!”

But the crowd was divided. “Die you faggot freak,” “You’re not a real rock band,” “Liar,” and a particularly loud guy in front yelled out. “If you want a dick you don’t have to pretend you have one! Get down off that stage and come suck mine!”

Ashley nearly lost it at that and was halfway into the crowd when Jake reached out grabbing the back of his clothes and holding him in place. Ashley began yelling as his attempts to exact physical revenge were stopped. “Say that again, you fucking asshole, say it one more time and I’ll get down off this stage and knock your teeth out.”

The guy made a ‘come on’ gesture and Ashley gave a low growl, but heckler wasn’t done yet. Andy watched as the guy unzipped himself and held his penis out so it was clearly seen. “Take a good look!”

Security was trying to get to the heckler but they were too far away.

Ashley yelled still straining against Jake and now Jinxx who were both holding him back. “She’s pregnant you bastard!” There was uneasy stirring in the crowd at that.

“Liar!”

A few people began chanting that...and more joined in. It was a backdrop to the whole chaotic scene. Andy wanted to run, but he couldn’t move it felt like his legs were rooted to the stage. The heckler had produced a cup from somewhere and was urinating in it, and then before Andy had realised what was happening the cup was sailing through the air.

He tried to move but was too slow, it hit him in the face splashing urine across him and the rest of the guys.

Andy stood there numbly, piss dripping down his face. Ashley had lost it as he realised what was happening. He ripped himself free and was going towards the guy in the crowd, the crowd was going wild. People in the crowd were attacking each other and Andy assumed the actual fans began figuring out who the hecklers were and turning on them. People began pulling themselves on stage. Bottles were being thrown, pieces of food, something sharped flew past his arm and Andy vaguely felt it bite into his flesh.

Hands pulled at him, the crowd was attempting to drag him off stage. Security was wading in attempting to pull people off, his bandmates were likewise attempting to help and at the same time resist the crowd attacking them.

Someone hit him in the face and Andy tasted blood in his mouth. Another person spit on him and then he felt a kick in his ribs. Another foot aimed for his stomach and Andy turned at the last moment, and caught it on his back instead. His only thought was protecting the baby.

Someone grabbed him bodily pulling him along and Andy tried to pull away, afraid of what the person was planning, until he realised it was two of his bandmates. CC and Ashley had somehow managed to extricate themselves from the melee long enough to get to him. Andy clambered onstage with their assistance, and turned to help them up but the crowd was already swallowing them back. People were on stage too and Ashley yelled out. “Andy, run!”

Andy hesitated but as someone tried to swing on him he ran. He was trying to get back to the tourbus. Security was nowhere to be seen as they tried to control the crowd. The concert venue was chaos as the fighting spilled over. Andy ran, pushing past people, not giving them a chance to figure out who it was. Andy reached the tourbus, out of breath from having run. But he quickly turned as he spotted a crowd of people near it. One of them had a baseball bat, and the others were clearly waiting for him or someone else with the band so they could start trouble. Andy took off as he heard one of the people give a yell.

He was exhausted and out of breath, but he forced himself to run longer, dodging and darting between parked trailers, tents, campers….finally he was too tired to go any further.

The commotion had died down in the distance, and Andy thought he had lost his pursuers. He didn’t know how far he had ran but it had to have been some distance. He was in a dirty alleyway, with a gate at one end and dumpsters lining the walls. Andy didn’t care about the surroundings. He sank to the ground, breathing hard. Tears dripped down his face and his chest hurt as he worried about the rest of the guys. _What if one of them got hurt?_

Andy had barely a few minutes of peace before he heard a voice “There you are.”

“Thought you could run from us?”

Andy glanced up, feeling sick. Five people were walking into the alley, four guys and a woman. They were all dressed in ripped jeans, and tees. Two of the guys had shaved heads.

The woman regarded him disdainfully. “You’re the piece of shit with Ashley...I always thought he had better taste.”

Andy didn’t respond, instead he quickly got to his feet and tried to run even though he knew it was hopeless. A hand reached out catching shirt and jerking him backwards. Andy felt his shirt rip more. He was spun around and his body slammed against the brick wall behind him, thankfully it was his back and not his front….but he still hurt and was dazed.

He opened his mouth to scream for help and a _schick_ clicked by his ear. One of the shaved head guys was holding him and he had a wicked looking knife in his hand. “Scream and I’ll cut you.”

Andy didn’t doubt they’d do worse if he kept quiet so he took his chances and yelled… only to stop as a hand slammed his head back into the wall and he felt a sharp sensation on his neck followed by a hot drip of blood.

“Eric…” One of the other guys had spoken, he looked uncomfortable. He had on a black t-shirt with a skull and looked worried. “I thought--”

“Shut up.” Knife-guy, Eric, said, still glaring at Andy. Andy wasn’t sure if the comment was directed to him or the skull t shirt guy but they both fell silent.

Andy, took a breath, trying to stop his head from spinning and pleaded. “Please just let me go…”

“And why would I do that?”

“I’m pregnant.”

Andy wasn’t sure he what he had been expecting but Eric’s response wasn’t it. He began laughing. “First you’re a girl and now you’re pregnant. Let’s get this straight you fucking freak...deciding you want to be a chick does not mean you are one.”

Andy didn’t bother responding instead, he used the opportunity to twist away and try to fight back. It was a very short lived fight. It was five against one and he was already tired from having ran from the venue. They caught him and knocked him down. Andy curled up on his side, trying to keep his abdomen protected, kicks rained down on him and his head rang as shoes connected.

It was a minute or two before they stopped. “Get up.”

Andy didn’t move, he was too dizzy and in pain. But as the woman’s voice added. “Get up freak or we’ll kick you until you can’t.” Andy shakily got to his knees and then tried to rise only to retch. He was pretty sure he had a concussion at the very least. His hairline was damp and he raised a hand to feel blood trickling down his temple.

They were unsympathetic. Someone jerked him back up, Andy forced himself to stand, leaning heavily on the alley wall. “If you let me go, I won’t tell...I promise.” It was a desperate plea but it had worked before. Against his will he was remembering times before in high school and after that when sometimes (after he had been badly hurt and the people who did it were afraid of getting in trouble) they would take his offer and leave.

Instead he got laughs. “In your dreams.”

Andy started to sob even though he knew that would make it worse. “I don’t care about me, I just care about the baby, please.”

They didn’t believe him and Eric’s knife quickly flashed out. “You are such a deluded little lying freak...get this in your head trannie freak...you’re a guy...you can’t be pregnant! Sick little mother fucker.” Andy tried to yell again and this time, Eric pinned him against the wall and shoved a hand across his mouth. “I told you to shut the hell up.”

Andy felt the knife tip dance across his face, and whimpered. Eric grinned. “Don’t worry about your pretty little face..I’m not going to touch that...how about I go for your--little pregnant belly.” He said the last comment derisively and Andy gasped as he felt the knife slice into the skin there. It hurt and burned and Andy couldn’t help sobbing and squirming. Two other people were holding him as he tried to move. It was a good minute before  Eric was finished.

“There now you have a permanent reminder of what you are.”  Eric backed up and Andy looked down, pulling up his shirt. Blood was seeping into his pants from five jagged letters carved into his skin “FREAK.”

Andy was trembling, from half fear and half helplessness. There was nothing he could do and he knew that. Skull guy looked more uncomfortable with how things were going and said. “I’m leaving guys...maybe you should, you know lay off him.”

“Shut up, go away if you’re too much of a pussy.”

Andy watched as skull guy left and then there were just four. Four was plenty to make his life hell. “What should we do next?” A man with blonde hair appraised him like a piece of meat, he had a sneer on his face. He gestured to his friends. “What do you say we check out just how much of a girl he is...you never know maybe he’s telling the truth.”

There were whistles and hoots of approval, so blonde guy turned back. “Strip.”

Andy didn’t move. The other shaved head came closer. “He said fucking strip...if you don’t get those clothes off I’m going to undress you myself...and you won’t like it.”

He didn’t have a choice. Andy slowly peeled up his ruined T-shirt. He stood there with just his bra on. They walked around him. Someone snapped the strap, another person, reached out pinching his breast.

Eric called to the other shaved head guy. “Zach, guess this fag is taking hormones or something...little fucker’s got some tits...little bittie titties.”

Andy’s face burned with shame.

“Take your bra off.” Andy struggled to undo the clasp with his trembling fingers. He couldn’t get it done and they grew frustrated. The blonde haired man ripped it off.

“Pants.”

Numbly Andy obeyed. He crossed his arms over his chest silently sobbing as they watched him in nothing but his panties.

“Please.”

Inexorably there was an order. “Underwear.”

Andy refused. He couldn’t take that last humiliation no matter what they threatened. “No.”

“Take it off or--”

“No!”

“Don’t be shy, show us the goods.”

Andy tried to run again, but Eric reached out snatching him and Andy felt the knife again, this time easily slicing through the lace of his panties.

The fabric fell to the ground and Andy was released. Everyone stared.

“So you had bottom surgery.” That was a musing from blonde guy. He gave a sick grin. “I always wanted to see how a fake pussy felt on my dick.”

Andy grew cold at that. He glanced around trying to find some sympathy unable to see any, but he saw uncertainty in the woman’s eyes. She still had an angry look on her face, but now she also seemed confused. “What if he really is a girl? I mean he could be pregnant...that looks really...convincing.”

“And how would you know a fake from a real...only one way to tell...gotta go for a test drive babe.” That last comment was directed at Andy and not at the woman they were with, but in any case the woman gave Eric who had spoken, a disgusted look and walked away.

She didn’t look back.

It was just the three of them...and it should have felt easier to escape, but Andy only felt more trapped.

The other shaved head guy, Zach, reached out grabbing him and wrapped an arm around Andy pinning his hands against his sides. Andy tried to squeeze his legs shut but he couldn’t stop the hand that forced its way down.

He gasped as felt felt fingers slid inside him and began stroking. ”Jesus Christ, you’re actually a little wet...doc did a good job with you….you like this don’t ya?”

Andy shook his head, but the man didn’t care. He added another finger and then another, until he had almost his whole hand. It hurt.

Andy whimpered, and that seemed to catch the man’s attention. “Awwww.” He made a mock concerned voice. “Not ready yet….too small for a real dick? You need to be stretched.”

“A big cock will stretch him out...should give it to him up his ass if his fake pussy can’t handle it.”

Eric laughed at the blonde haired guy’s vulgar statement. “Don’t be such a brute.”

Andy was still being held and he stiffened even further as the guy holding him pointed to a piece of trash lying next to a dumpster. It was a glass beer bottle. “Give me that.”

Andy kicked out, trying to get away as he realised what was about to happen, but the blonde haired guy caught his legs holding him securely as Eric retrieved the bottle. “Be a good little _girl_ and I’ll be gentle.”

That was all the warning Andy got and then he felt cool, grimy smooth glass against his thighs. They didn’t bother to be gentle and Andy actual felt something tear a little as the drinking end of the bottle was rammed up inside of him.

He screamed, and kicked and swore and cried. They clamped and hand over his mouth and laughed. The bottle moved around for a minute or two and then it was withdrawn. Andy was released and fell to the alley floor. The tears were gone now, he felt too numb to cry.

Eric crouched down. “You want us to leave you alone?”

Andy, bit his lip and nodded. He could feel something running down his legs and thought it was blood, that worried him….maybe they had hurt something with the baby too. “Yes.” He whispered.

“Then you let us all have some fun and we’ll go.”

Andy swallowed turning away...they were toying with him. Eric jerked his face back. “Concentrate sweetheart. I’m not a liar. Zach here--” Eric jerked a thumb at the other guy with the shaved hair.”--tested you out...now it’s just me and him--” He pointed to the blonde haired man. “--and then I’ll let you run on home.”

Andy didn’t believe him but he didn’t have a choice. Eric was unzipping his pants and Andy watched as pulled himself out. “Suck me off.”

It was an order. Eric added after a moment, “I think you know what happens if you bite down.”

Andy didn’t know but he could guess. He slowly got to his knees and painfully took the length into his mouth, his jaw hurt from being kicked, but he forced his lips to move. Thankfully it wasn’t long before Eric was bracing a hand against the alley wall and had his head tipped back and his eyes closed as Andy felt him come.

He was already nauseated and the taste had Andy wanting to gag. He tried to turn away but Eric grabbed his head holding him in place and Andy retched. Eric released him then and Andy fell back on his hands and knees gagging. He felt Eric finish on him.

Andy, raised a hand to his face wiping the semen off from where it was dripping down from his hair. He felt so dirty.

The blonde haired guy was the last in line but he was the worst. Andy figured he would want the same as Eric and didn’t know how he’d be able to get through it without puking and angering them more, but a blow job wasn’t on his mind.

The blonde haired guy got down and loomed over Andy. He looked up at the man fearfully as one of the man’s hands was undoing his pants, and the other reaching out. The man pushed Andy flat on his back, causing the singer to wince at the hardness of the pavement. Hands reached out again and grabbed both of Andy’s hands and pinned them to the asphalt above his head in one giant fist. Andy tried to push him off but the other guys soon joined in making the effort futile. Before he could kick out, the two men grabbed his legs and held them firmly apart as the man looming over him, got into position.

Andy yelled, crying and begging. He just wanted to be home, and none of this to have happened. He wanted Ash. “Ashley!” He screamed his name, even though he knew Ash was probably back desperately looking for him at the venue unaware of where he had gone.

“Stop that.” Andy fell silent abruptly as an elbow crashed into his face, stunning him for a moment. He tasted blood in his mouth.

“Please--” He tried to beg only to have someone clamp their hand over his mouth. Before he could do anything to stop it, the blond haired guy was forcing his thighs apart as he pushed himself in. He set to thrusting roughly, not particularly caring about Andy whimpering at the pain, if anything it seemed to egg him on more. Andy thought he heard footsteps in the distance and someone calling out. He felt fear bubble up more as he wondered had one of the others come back to join in.

He tried to squirm free, only to freeze for half a second as he heard someone call out his name. It only took him a moment to realise it was Ashley’s voice and then he was fighting as hard as he could to get free. He couldn’t move much but he managed to maneuver so that he could bite the hand over his mouth. The man swore and a fist came crashing down, Andy’s vision dimmed but he screamed as loud as he could.

“ASHLEY!”

“Shut up!” The man inside of him paused and moved to smack him, but with his arm poised in the air, his attention was diverted as fast approaching steps caught his attention.

“We have company.”  
  
“Get away from him!” Andy used Ashley’s appearance and pushed and pulled against the hands that pinned his and managed to twist out of the grip. With his hands free, Andy jabbed his fingers into the eyes of the guy thrusting into him.

  
“AHHH! That little fucker blinded me!” The guy howled in pain and pulled out as he grabbed his face in pain.

Andy kicked out and managed to loose the grip on his legs, allowing him to scoot away. With the men successfully distracted, Andy scooted backwards. The men turned to Ashley who was barrelling towards them.

Eric got to his feet, and as Andy watched he flipped his knife out the blade glinting sharply in the dim light of the alley. “Well, look at who it is. Trannie’s boyfriend.”

Ashley didn’t say anything but Andy saw him glance at him once his expression tightening as he took in the situation then his attention turned back to the men surrounding him.

Blonde guy had struggled into his jeans. It was three against one, hardly a fair fight. Andy didn’t have time to call out a warning but he saw what was going to happen a split second before all three of them rushed Ashley. They caught him, slamming him against the opposite alley wall.

Andy winced in sympathy. He tried to struggle to his feet but his legs felt like Jello and everything hurt...he was pretty sure something, somewhere was broken.

“Keep struggling.” Eric grabbed Ashley’s hair yanking it so Ash’s head was tipped in his direction and he was forced to look into Eric’s eyes. “You’re not getting free and neither is this bitch.” Ashley spat in Eric’s face at that and it only made things worse.

Eric's knife flashed out and Andy saw the blade pressed to Ashley’s throat. Eric’s voice was low but Andy could still hear. “We were just going to kick your ass...maybe you’d be lucky enough to be unconscious while we finish up with your sweetheart. Now you’re going to watch as we get our money’s worth. Her singing may be shit but her pussy is a--”

Ash struggled even harder at that, swearing, spitting, doing his best to break free of the two men holding him. He looked deranged. He was breathing hard as he finally stopped for a moment as one of the guys twisted the arm they were holding even higher on his back, in a way that had it close to breaking.

“He--She’s pregnant, please--” Ashley sounded like he was keeping his voice calm with difficulty. It wavered and broke on the last bit. “Haven’t you already done enough?”

Blonde guy laughed as did the other guy with the shaved head. “So it’s true? Little fucker is pregnant? She’s really a chick? Or... are you playing us because you don’t want to share her fake cunt.”

Ashley swore again, losing all attempts at self control. A line of blood dripped down his neck as Eric’s knife bit into the skin. Eric’s voice was deceptively calm. “Quiet down. Now there’s two things we can do here...you say _she_ is pregnant….I think we could find that out real quick if we cut that pretty little belly of her’s open or we can leave that alone and just have our fun the normal way...why don’t you decide?”

Andy couldn’t move far, but he knew there was no way they were both getting out of this unless he did something to distract the men so Ashley could get free. His eyes landed on the trash laying around the alley and without further thought, he grabbed a sizeable piece of broken concrete and threw it at the nearest guy. It hit the blonde guy in the back and he swore and turned around. Andy quickly followed through with another piece of trash, this time the glass bottle they had used on him. It was still tacky with his drying blood.

Ashley was momentarily forgotten and he used that to his advantage. The had slackened their grip, Ashley pulled free and then rushed Eric. Eric fought back, he had a knife and Ash just had anger and his bare hands.

The knife flashed out and Andy screamed a warning at the last moment. Ash was already moving though and the knife, instead of sinking into his chest, sliced his left arm. Blood was trickling down and Ash backpedaled as Eric closed in for the kill.

Ash tripped over a piece of debris, causing him to struggle to stay upright. One hand stretched out to prevent his fall and his fingertips brushed over the bottle. It had broken when Andy threw it.

Ashley grabbed the shard of glass and as Eric advanced he plunged the glass upwards. It sank into Eric’s stomach. Eric dropped the knife, his hand going automatically to the wound in his abdomen. The other two guys advanced, their faces sobering as they realised what had happened. The blonde one came forward and Ash defying (who was injured and a good half foot shorter and 75 lbs lighter than his opponent) logic took the fight to him. It was short and brutal. The other guy with the shaved head hesitated between joining in and starting to run off and chose the latter.

Andy tried to get to his feet, wanting to get off the cold, dirty alley floor. It took two attempts before he could get his legs under him and he rose with a groan, succeeding at standing for a wobbly millisecond before he collapsed, close to blacking out. He was dizzy, and in pain and extremely nauseated. Andy moaned and that caught Ashley’s attention.  He looked up from where he had been hitting the blonde guy (whose face was bloodied and bashed in), he hesitated for a moment but as Andy shivered involuntarily Ash forgot the blonde and quickly walked over to Andy.

The blonde man used the opportunity to stagger to his feet and get away….his other two companions had long since fled.

Ash glanced back as the man ran looking like he wanted to follow after him, but Andy stretched out a hand grabbing Ashley’s wrist. He didn’t care about revenge at that moment or whatever Ashley was thinking, he just wanted to leave there.

“Ash.” Immediately Ashley’s eyes were back on him and Andy saw his eyes widen even more as he took him in surveying the injuries.

“Shit, I’m sorry--I should have been here faster... I didn’t realise you weren’t at the bus until--”

Andy tried to speak but couldn’t help breaking into sobs. Ashley hugged him tightly for a moment,  Ashley reached out patting his back pocket like he was looking for something and swore. “Shit I don’t have my phone.”

Andy sobbed out. “I want to go home.”

“I know--I know.” Ashley glanced around then turned back to Andy. “Can you stand?”

Andy shook his head only to stop as his vision dimmed, and Ash’s voice grew tiny. It felt like it was just a second but it must have been longer because when he opened his eyes again Ashley was even more worried. “Andy? Can you hear me?”

Andy stared at him blankly for a moment before Ashley’s words registered and he nodded, he added. “What?”

“You blacked out for a few seconds.” Ashley bit his lip and Andy shivered again, feeling like he was freezing. Ash said, “Okay.” Like he was telling himself something and then pulled off his own shirt. “Let’s put this on, and then we need to get you to the hospital.”

Andy didn’t resist as Ashley dressed him in his shirt, He couldn’t help yelling out in pain though as Ashley swung him up into his arms.

“What hurts?”

“Everywhere.” Andy tucked his head against Ashley’s neck, trying to be as still as possible. It was a short walk back to the venue, Andy hadn’t come as far as he thought he had.

Ashley made good time, and even though he was injured himself he didn’t say a word about that. Ash didn’t put him down even though Andy felt gross knowing he was still bleeding from between his legs and his stomach, and half way during the walk he couldn’t help getting sick on them both. He also blacked out another time, Ash’s worried expression belied the calm in his voice.

“He’s not at the other stage or the--” Jinxx’s voice yelled out, sounding panicked. Andy heard his voice hitch and stop as he saw them fully and realised who Ash was carrying. “Shit, is he--” Andy wasn’t sure exactly what Jinxx had been about to say ... _injured ….unconscious ….dead ..._ Ashley cut him off.

“You’ve got a cellphone...call the ambulance. And we need a blanket.”

“O-okay.”

There wasn’t a blanket nearby but Jinxx took off the jacket he was wearing and draped it over Andy before calling for an ambulance.

Andy groaned as Ashley carefully lowered them both to the ground so he was cradled in Ash’s lap. Ashley was running his hands through his hair, heedless of the filth clumping the strands. “The ambulance will be here, soon--it’s going to be okay.” Ash’s voice sounded close to breaking and Andy didn’t need to look at his face to know how upset and emotional he was.

Andy could feel his vision blacking again at the edges and his head was swimming. He shifted slightly in Ash’s arms and the whispered, because his throat was sore and it hurt to speak, “I think I’m going to pass out again.”

“Your blood sugar’s low...maybe...or it could be a concussion.” Ashley gritted his jaw obviously trying to keep calm but Andy could see he was freaking out. Andy was still sobbing himself but wanted to say something to calm Ashley down, he opened his mouth to speak and stopped as he felt a flopping sensation in his stomach.

He held his breath waiting for it to stop, and Ashley noticed. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, it’s just my stomach is upset again.”

Without being asked Ashley slipped his hand down, gently avoiding the cuts on Andy’s stomach as he massaged. Andy felt his stomach flip again and Ash’s hand froze. His eyebrows knitted as he frowned.

Andy was worried, was something else wrong and Ashley had just noticed? “What’s wrong?”

Ashley didn’t answer immediately, when he did it was with a question of his own. “Andy did you just feel something...like in your stomach I mean?”

Andy frowned. “I feel like I’m going to puke, it keeps flipping.”

Ashley looked directly at him then and Andy was surprised that after all that had happened Ash had a very slight smile on his face. “That’s not your stomach, that’s the baby moving.”

“What?” Andy started to say something else then broke off as he felt the flipping sensation again. Ash must have felt it too from where he had his hand still resting on Andy’s stomach, because his face actual broke into a full blown smile. Andy, felt a sense of wonder as he thought back to the times over the past few weeks that he had felt the same sensation and hadn't realised till now that he had been feeling their child.

Andy was still crying but he felt a little better knowing the baby seemed okay.

Jinxx, came over to them with his cellphone still at his ear. “An ambulance is coming and--” Jinxx broke off as he noticed the expressions on their faces. Confusion and worry warred with each other as he glanced at them. He evidently must have misinterpreted them because he said. “What’s wrong with Andy.”

That was a loaded question, Andy felt like shit. He hurt everywhere and was miserable, but for just that moment things were okay. He answered instead of Ashley. “Nothing, the baby’s moving.”

He had just a moment to take in the widened eyes as Jinxx processed what he had said, and then Andy passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Potential Trigger: Homophobic remarks, Transphobia, Physical and Verbal Assault of a Pregnant person, Graphic Sexual Assault of a Pregnant person. Swearing. 
> 
> Summary: Just before a concert Andy and Ash are having a conversation. Andy wants to tell the fans about being pregnant and he and Ash being together. Ash is very much against this and tries to talk Andy out of it but in the process implies that he doesn't want people to know about him and Andy because he is ashamed. Andy gets very upset but appears to agree not to tell. Once on stage Andy tells, blindsiding Ash and the rest of the guys. Their is a mixed reaction in the crowd. Some are happy but others are upset. The crowd becomes more and more rowdy culminating with hecklers swearing at them and a bottle of urine being thrown at Andy. Ash tries to attack the guy that did it and Ash is held back. The crowd starts fighting among themselves. People are trying to pull Andy off stage. Andy is pulled off and the rest of the band and the crew wade into the corwd to get him back. Andy manages to get free of the crowd which is by now totally out of control. Andy runs, but when he gets back to the tourbus finds people waiting there for him, one of them menancingly holding a baseball bat. They start to chase him and Andy runs. He runs until he's too tired to run and collapses in an alley. 
> 
> Before he can catch his breath a group of concert goers find him. They start with punching him then one of the guys carves "FREAK" into Andy's stomach. They make him undress until he's naked. Then three of the guys take turns raping him. Ash finally finds Andy as the last guy is finishing and they turn on Ash, Ash manages to get the guys to go away but only after being injured himself.
> 
> Ash manages to get a bleeding, bruised Andy back to the concert site where Jinxx is waiting. Andy is close to passing out, but complains that his stomach feels weird. They realise that Andy's been feeling the baby move for awhile but didn't realise what that was. As Andy and Ash stare at each other with realization, Andy faints. 
> 
> end chapter


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I'm looking for a prereader... If you want to Beta that's great too but mostly I want somebody to read as I write and cheer me on or point out issues.
> 
> Must be 18-years or older. If interested leave me a comment.

 

Andy was exhausted. They had been at the hospital for hours. They had done a rape kit on him, which was unpleasant and had made him feel humiliated (even though the nurse doing it was kind) as he had to recount what had happened to him and what they had forced him to do. The police had came to the ER and questioned him. Not to mention he had been bleeding a lot from between his legs and his stomach and was worried there was something wrong with the baby even though she was moving.

They had done an ultrasound and thankfully the baby was okay, but now Andy had a neat row of stitches in his abdomen, outlining the letters carved into his skin. Plus, at some point during the assault he had sustained some large lacerations to his vagina and that was where all the bleeding was from. He had a few stitches between his legs too and those ached and pulled. Two ribs were broken, he had a concussion, not to mention innumerable bruises and scratches. And the doctors thought the reason he had passed out was due to his sugar dropping very low from the stress of everything.

Andy was happy to finally be discharged. By the time they got to the hotel they were staying at for the night it was well past midnight.

The other guys were likewise tired. Jake had gotten knocked out during the mobbing of the stage and was nursing a concussion of his own, not to mention Ashley had 20 stitches in his arm where the guy had sliced him with a knife. They had all stayed with him while he was in the ER, but now they started to drift off to their separate hotel rooms. As Andy watched them start to walk away he felt himself panicking.

“Please don’t go.” Andy hadn’t meant to blurt it out but now that he had started he didn’t stop. “What if they come back? What if.” Andy felt Ashley’s arm tighten around his shoulders and then Ashley shifted so he was looking Andy directly in the face. “It’s okay. I’m going to spend the night, you won’t be alone.”

Andy nodded, but then remembered how many guys it had been and how they had hurt Ash and were going to hurt him again after they finished with Ashley, and was even more frightened. “Ash, what if someone gets in and it’s more than one person and --”

“We’ll stay.” All three of the guys immediately volunteered. Andy saw Ash glance at Jinxx, Jake and CC before intervening. Jake looked close to passing out.

“Andy it’ll be okay, we’ll lock the door and we’re in a hotel, it’s safe. No one knows we’re here. Jake needs to get some rest...and someone needs to keep an eye on him tonight.” The last part was said as an order to the other two.

Jake started to protest, but CC, being uncharacteristically firm, overtalked him. “He can come back to my room, I’ll watch him.” Jake half heartedly argued a minute more and then followed CC towards his room.

Jinxx was still standing there. “I’m not that tired and--”

Ashley shook his head. “Get some sleep we’re good.”

Jinxx, looked uncertain but watched as Ashley unlocked the door and started to walk in. Andy froze in the doorway. The room had a balcony and was only two stories up. Andy knew it was illogical, but what if somehow those same guys or someone like them got in the room and incapacitated Ashley...then they would come after him and --

Flashes of hours earlier in the alley came back to Andy and as Ashley gently took his hand and tried to guide him into the room he freaked out.

“I can’t--I can’t Ash, what if they come? You can’t promise they won’t--you could be asleep---or they could knock you out or hurt you--”

“Andy calm down.”

Andy barely heard Ash’s attempts at soothing him. “I don’t want them to do it again, I don’t. Please, I don’t want to sleep, I don’t want them to hurt me again.” He began sobbing again and Ashley wrapped his arms around him holding him as Andy buried his head in his shoulder.

Jinxx was speaking behind him. “It’s okay, no trouble at all--I’ll stay….”

Andy thought he heard Jinxx add in an undertone ‘until he falls asleep’ but quickly forgot that as Ashley started walking him into the room.

Andy changed into pajamas as quickly as possible and then went back out into the main room where Jinxx was sitting in a chair near the bed and Ashley was laying atop the covers. Andy gingerly laid down next to Ashley trying to get comfortable.

Ashley reached down pulling up the covers over them both and said. “Try to get some sleep.”

Andy quickly said. “I’m not sleeping , I--”

“Okay, just rest then.”

Andy relaxed a little at that. He had been afraid Ash would insist he sleep and the fear of nightmares and the men from the alley coming while he was asleep made him feel panicked.

Against his will though he felt his eyes start to close after a few minutes and after struggling to stay awake surrendered to sleep.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

As he left the haze of sleep, Andy could feel the familiar ache of broken ribs as well as the tugging feeling on his stomach and somewhere else. There was an arm around his middle with a hand resting on his slightly swollen stomach. It took a few minutes before memories of the night before came to him. Once he remembered, Andy suddenly sat upright with his eyes wide and looked around.

Ashley groaned next to him at the jostling. “Hey...ev’rything okay?”

Andy looked around but couldn’t find Jinxx which caused his panic to spike. “Where’s Jinxx?”

“Everything’s fine-”

“But-” Ashley sat up and pulled Andy to his chest.

“Hey, relax. Jinxx went to his own room to get some sleep about an hour after you fell asleep. We made it through, didn’t we?”

Andy bit his lip and looked around to make sure everything was okay. When there was nothing to suggest that something happened, Andy nodded.

“Yeah..”

“Okay, so don’t panic yourself.” Ashley kissed the top of Andy’s head before speaking again. “How did you sleep?”

Andy swallowed. He hadn’t slept badly, or at least he didn’t think he had, he couldn’t remember any of his dreams. And now that he was awake and could fully remember what had happened, he didn’t want to. Admitting to that wouldn’t help anything though so he smiled at Ashley and said. “Pretty good, surprisingly. Though at one point I dreamt that you were turning into a cucumber..” Ashley snorted and looked down at Andy with an eyebrow raised.

“And why do I not believe that?” Ashley in a slightly amused voice.

Andy shrugged, trying to think of something else to say, but the smile was slipping off his face and he found he couldn’t keep the act of smiling up anymore. He turned away before Ashley noticed. Andy was picking on the edge of the comforter when Ashley asked quietly, “Do you want to talk?”  
  


And knew what he was saying but turned back to Ashley and gave a half grin that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Isn’t that what we’re doing?”

“Yeah...but I meant about what happened yesterday.”

“No.”

“Andy--”

“I don’t want to talk about it, and definitely not right now.” Andy started to get off the bed and try to make an escape, fearing Ashley was going to force the subject. A gentle hand on his shoulder stopped him.

“Fine we don’t have to.” There was silence for a few moments and then Ashley cleared his throat and said carefully. “What about the tour. We had a concert scheduled for today.”

Andy froze at that, not registering the past tense. “I--I--” He broke off, not wanting to admit he was scared to go back on stage with all those people screaming and yelling and waiting to do god knows what and yet he didn’t want to be the one who pulled out of the tour and ruined it for everyone else.

“Andy?” Ashley was rubbing his arm in a soothing manner, but fear still gripped his heart. “Are you okay?”

“I...I don’t...I don’t think I can. I can’t go….not after..” Andy broke off after his voice had started to crack and break.

“Okay. You don’t have to.” Ashley paused for a moment. “You’re trembling.”

Andy, startled, looked up. He hadn’t realised he had started to shake. He took a deep breath willing himself to calm down enough to say, “Can--can we take a few days off, and then maybe we can restart--”

“Andy, I think it would be best if we cancelled the whole thing.” Andy didn’t say anything to that and Ashley took his silence for disagreement and quickly launched into a list of arguments. “We’re almost done with the US part of the tour anyway, so it’s not like we’re stopping in the middle. And no one is going to think any worse of you or anyone for stopping now, and I think it would be best for the entire band, not just you okay? Jinxx has been getting really sick, Jake’s injured, CC was injured, I’ve been injured and you were--” Ashley bit off what he was about to say and finished. “It’s time to stop.”

“Okay.” Andy didn’t realise until Ash had said it just how relieved he would feel as he finally felt like he had permission to hang up the tour and go home. Still he felt bad about it as he thought of all the loose ends and letting down the rest of the band and their fans. “Are you sure the rest of the guys are going to be okay with this?”

“We’ve already been discussing it on and off and after last night, all of us were in agreement. I just wanted you to be feeling better before we talked it over with you.”

Andy nodded. “And our fans?”

“Fuck our fans!” Ashley said the words viciously and Andy saw his hand clench into a fist.

“Ash, you--”

“After what they did to you I don’t give a shit about them.”

“That wasn’t everyone Ash, you’re being unfair.”

Ashley glanced away for a moment then looked back running a hand through his hair. “Fine, you might be right. We were planning on doing an interview anyway, what if we had some kind of farewell thing during that? That sound okay?”

“Yeah.” Andy bit his lip and swung his legs over the side of the bed and stared at the floor. Fears and doubts were nagging at him. “This...we..I don’t want us - as band - to break up. Not even after...” He broke off and twisted around, bringing his legs back up on the bed. “We’re not breaking up...right?” Ashley frowned and pulled Andy to his chest before placing another kiss on top of his head.

“As long as we’re still breathing we won’t give up. We worked too hard for this. We’re just going to have to adjust to the new addition to the BVB Army.” Andy smiled at Ashley’s words and snuggled further into Ashley’s chest.

He felt a hand go to his belly. As soon as Ashley’s hand pressed against his small protruding belly, he felt the tell-tale flip-flop of their baby moving. “I think she knows you’re her Dad.” Ashley squeezed Andy a little.

“I love you, Andy.” Ashley’s voice was sincere and Andy couldn’t help the tears that came to his eyes.

“I love you too.”

☆═━┈┈━═☆

“So it’s settled. We’ll set up an interview for the day after tomorrow and announce it all then.” Ash nodded as the guys and their tour manager agreed with their regular manager who was on speakerphone.

Everyone was nodding and more than once face had hints of relief. Ash for his part felt relieved that the tour was finally going to be over and he and Andy would have time to focus on them without having to add the dynamics of a stressful tour and everyone else to the mix.

Andy looked a little upset though and Ash knew it was the dual emotions of feeling like he had let their fans down and wanting to finally relax. He understood, he really did, however Ash knew it wasn’t healthy for Andy _or_ the baby.

They discussed a few more points and then Blasko clicked off. They all filed out the hotel conference room they had borrowed for the occasion so the whole crew could be in on the conversation. Ashley tried to catch Andy so they could talk, but Andy pulled away as he reached out to touch him. His voice sounded broken and his voice was barely above a whisper as he said. “I want to sleep.”

“Okay.” Ashley tried to touch Andy again and this time Andy let him. He still wasn’t meeting his eyes so Ash tipped Andy’s chin up and saw he had tears in them. The rest of the crew was moving away giving them privacy. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Andy shrugged out of Ashley’s grip gently and looked at the ground again.

“No, lies okay?” Ashley watched as Andy swallowed nervously and looked to the side.

“I didn’t want the tour to stop because of me.” Ashley cupped Andy’s face with his hand and brought their foreheads together.

“Hey it’s not because of you, we talked about that.” Andy shrugged, still looking upset.

“Yeah maybe...I just liked us being on tour and ...us being together...and now we’re going back to LA.”

Ashley frowned not sure what Andy was getting at. “You want to go back to Cincinnati with your parents instead? That’s fine, I don’t care.”

Apparently that was the wrong thing to say because the tears started falling in earnest. Ashley quickly tried to backtrack. “L.A is fine too, whatever you want.”

“Well--what are you going to do...while we’re off tour I mean?”

“I have stuff to keep me busy. I kinda let the clothing line I was working on fall to the wayside while we were on tour and I’ve got a few more projects.”

“Oh...okay.” Andy was still crying so it obviously wasn’t okay, Ash determined.

“Come on something is bothering you.”

“Nothing.”

“Is it what those guys--”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Andy whispered and wiped the tears off his face.

Ashley felt helpless, and had an inkling it was something he had said or done that bothered Andy but he couldn’t figure out what. “Andy what’s up?”

“I’m just tired.” Andy looked away and said offhanded like he was grasping at straws. “My mom is going to arrive any time now and I want to get some sleep before she comes.”

“Okay, I’ll walk you to your room.” Ashley bit the inside of his cheek and started to walk with Andy, but Andy stopped him. “And I want to be alone.”

Ash thought about arguing, but before Andy had made it halfway down the hall, CC appeared  and muttered. “I’ll make sure he gets to his room okay.”

CC started to walk off but stopped mid stride and said. “You and Andy really need to learn to talk to each other.”

Before Ash could inquire what the drummer meant CC had walked off and Ash was left staring confusedly after.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Ash took a sip of the beer he was nursing and let out a breath. “Why is my life so messed up?” He muttered the half question, half comment under his breath only to hear someone reply.

“No idea, but getting drunk isn’t helping things.” Ash turned to find Jake slipping onto a barstool next to him.

He wanted to say something more vitriolic but Ash contented himself with “I wasn’t getting drunk.”

Jake didn’t say anything but looked pointedly at the beer bottle in Ashley’s hand.

“It’s my first and last one of the day okay.” When Jake didn’t say anything Ashley sighed. “Believe me, or don’t...we’re not getting into that today...I’ve had so much stuff happen these past few days I deserve one drink.”

“Fair enough.” Jake said after a moment and gestured to the bartender for his own. Once he had a beer sitting in front of him, he asked. “So what’s up with Andy?”

“I don’t know...I think he’s upset about the tour but I think it’s something else too.” Ashley took a large swallow of his drink as if to fortify himself and added in a lower tone. “Probably about what those guys did, and he won’t talk about it. He keeps having nightmares though.”

“Did the cops catch anyone yet?”

“They caught that guy I stabbed, and he knows the others. They have warrants for their arrest. I got a call from the police earlier today.”

“Good I hope they lock those fuckers up for the rest of their lives.”

“Me too.” Ash said even though he knew it probably wouldn’t be for that long. All he could think about was Andy’s face as he had found him and how Andy had been screaming his name as they---

Ash bit off that thought. Instead he blurted out what he had been thinking about for a while. “Do you think Andy really wants me?”

Jake looked at him like he was crazy at that comment. “You really didn’t just ask me that did you? Are you insane? Of course he does.”

“Do you think we’d be good together...I mean like am I good for Andy?” Jake took longer to answer that and finished off his beer and was rolling the cold bottle between his hands when he finally answered.

“Yeah, when you’re not dicking around with him, Andy is the happiest I have ever seen him with you. You’ve got that, you make him the saddest but you also make him the happiest...so if you’re going to do him right I think you’re good for him.”

Ashley knew what Jake’s feelings were about Andy and how much it must have cost him to admit what he had just said. That alone was enough to settle it for him, it was something he had been thinking about for a while since their date and he had given Andy a ring pop proposal...now he was sure. “Can you keep Andy busy for a few hours tomorrow?”

“Yeah….”

“Good, I need some time to do something.” Jake’s eyes narrowed at that.

“It’s nothing bad I promise.”

“What is it?”

“A surprise...a good surprise--probably the best one of my life.”

☆═━┈┈━═☆

“After the past three days of cancelled concerts and several refusals to answer questions by fans and the media you're finally sitting down and I hear you have an announcement.”

“Yeah…” Andy swallowed and looked out at the auditorium of the carefully screened crowd. He was still half worried about someone slipping past security. Andy glanced at Ash who was pale and kept fidgeting with something in his pocket. He had snuck away for a few hours the day after they had decided to stop the tour. Plus, the whole morning before their interview now Ash had been acting weird and almost going out his way to avoid him.

“We’re--we’re--” Andy felt like the words were caught in his throat. He was grateful when Jinxx spoke up for him.

“We’re cancelling the tour.”

There was a ripple of noise from the crowd watching at that announcement. The interviewer quickly followed up after the yells and murmurs had died down with, “The rest of the US tour or the entirety of your tour?”

Andy opened his mouth to say something, he half wanted to go back at what imagined was an accusatory tone in the interviewer's voice and say they were only cancelling the rest of the US leg.

Jake caught his eye and as if reading Andy’s mind before he could speak, Jake said firmly. “The whole tour.” There was another wave of loud murmuring from the crowd in shock and disappointment.

“The whole tour? May I ask what caused such a drastic decision to be made? Does it have anything to do with the incident two days ago and the announcement you made then?”

Andy stiffened as unpleasant memories resurfaced of that night. He wanted to reach out and hold Ashley’s hand for reassurance but Ashley was just far away enough that to do so would have been awkward. Instead Andy bit his lip before launching into an explanation. “Um, yeah what--what happened is part of it but...I’m pregnant and--”

There was a cacophony of noise at that and Andy realised as the crowd went wild that they hadn’t officially announced the pregnancy (unless you counted Ashley’s enraged yell to one of the hecklers at the disastrous concert before the mobbing.)

“Now I want to back up just a bit before we address your comment. At the concert two days ago you announced on stage that you were in fact female, is that correct?”

Andy nodded and swallowed again, trying to hold in his nervousness. “Yeah.” He wanted to say a little more but the words caught in his throat. Thankfully the interviewer stepped in for him.

“So tell us about that. You say you’re a female, but physically you look like a male. Does that mean you’re transgender?”

“No, I--”

“So your appearance and the way you present yourself is by choice? Do you present as male to be better accepted and taken more serious in Rock music today?”

Andy scrunched his eyebrows together in irritation. Was the interviewer implying girls couldn’t be taken seriously? Or was she implying that he was intentionally deceiving people. Andy wasn’t sure exactly what the interviewer wanted but he was aware of the cameras on him and the hushed voice of the crowd. Everyone was taking in every word and judging.  “No.. I don’t do this on purpose. I was actually born like this. It shouldn’t matter what I look like, or what parts I have as to whether I will be taken seriously or not. That type of thinking just promotes sexism in the industry and that’s not...why I did this...I mean I didn’t do this it’s just…easier.”

Andy cringed at that last word, wishing he could take it back. He sneaked a look at the rest of the band wishing someone would take over. But this was his secret to tell and he had to face it.

The interviewer had raised an eyebrow and repeated “Easier?”

“I was born like this, there’s something wrong with my body or my genes...the doctors aren’t really sure what’s off, that don’t even have a name for it except some terms they cobbled together ‘failed pubertal onset and secondary sexual differentiation’ it means I look like a guy but I have girl parts inside, and so people look at me and assume they know what I am...early on it was just easier and has been to go along with that.”

“Oh okay. Interesting. In that case, do you identify with male more so than female, or visa versa?”

“Not really, I guess. I kinda identify as both. I don’t know what they call that.”

“So you’re more gender fluid then?”

“Yeah I guess. Maybe moreso now than before. I never got to go bra shopping until recently, so that was a fun experience.” Andy gave a small laugh, and felt himself relax a little as he saw the interviewer smile as well.

“It gets old after a while, trust me.” The interviewer seemed to hesitate but ultimately launched into her next question. “You’ve had girlfriends in the past and now you and one of your bandmates are in a relationship? Could you clarify that?”

“Clarify what?” Andy frowned really not knowing what she was talking about. Ashley apparently did because he sat up straighter his eyes slightly narrowed even though he looked somewhat uncomfortable.

“Are you sexually attracted to males or females or both?”

Andy squirmed uncomfortably at that question. “I’m--I’m attracted to both...and yeah me and Ashley are together.”

“So, Ashley you’re always seen with multiple females and Andy is  --”

Whatever the question she was going to ask, was stopped midway, as Jake said quite calmly. “I know where you’re going with this and it’s not your business. So ask something else.”

The woman cleared her throat, but ultimately changed tracts. “Now getting back to your original statement, you said you’re pregnant? So when you mentioned recent health issues during past interviews with other interviewers you meant this pregnancy?” The woman clarified.

“Yeah, yeah--” Andy swallowed and then continued. “I’m pregnant and after two days ago when they--those guys--they..I didn’t want to stop, I just can’t--I can’t do this anymore--It’s time to stop and I…” Andy trailed off feeling close to tears and unsure what else to say as he remembered what had happened just two nights ago.

“So Black Veil Brides is breaking up then? The recent trials and turmoil have finally caused you to go your separate ways?”

“What? No!” Andy quickly interjected.

Jake added. “The band is closer than ever. We’ll be back next year or maybe the year after that.”

Despite Jake’s comment and the rest of the band nodding in agreement there was still an undercurrent of uncertainty in the crowd.

Ash for the first time during the interview broke in. “Whatever happens we’re staying together.”

“Fair enough, however are you concerned about the effect announcing Andy is biologically female will have and has had on the future of the band?”

CC started to say. “That doesn’t--”

Ashley cut him off. “No one should fucking care.”

“You expect fans to ignore the announcement and --” The interviewer asked.

“I _expect_ them to respect Andy as he is and accept him regardless of what’s in his pants.”

Andy blushed, feeling his cheeks heat up at Ashley’s typical lack of social grace and Jinxx and CC were likewise snorting with laughter.

Ashley either didn’t hear them or ignored them, because he stood up, and turned so he was mostly facing Andy. Andy watched him curiously wondering what he was doing as Ashley dropped down on one knee. As Ashley dropped down the crowd went wild, screaming, yelling and squealing as the fans apparently picked up on something. The rest of his bandmates must have realised what was going on too because they had stood up and were motioning everyone to be quiet. Silence fell except for the occasional excited gasp.

Andy turned his attention back to Ashley, and listened as he said, “I’ve learned a lot over the past few weeks. It’s not how someone looks, or whether you think that other people will judge you. It’s about what makes you happy and about who you are as a person.”

Ashley seemed to be only speaking to him now as he continued. “And Andy you make me very happy, happier then I’ve ever been in my life and if you’d let me, I hope I can do the same...will you marry me?”

There was a collective gasp by pretty much everyone including their bandmates who obviously hadn’t known.

Andy, felt his mouth fall halfway open as he tried to process what Ashley had said.


	22. Chapter 22

Andy’s heart was hammering in his chest. Was this really happening? Was Ashley really proposing? He could hear blood rushing through his ears as he took a glance around at the crowd and then the guys. It was silent and everyone was waiting on him to make a decision. It had only been a few quick seconds in actuality but to Andy it felt like minutes.

When the shock started to die down, a swell of happiness and joy overcame Andy, causing tears to well up. With his decision made Andy nodded.

“Yeah...Yes I will.”

There was a roar of noise from the audience and Andy was vaguely aware of Ashley pushing a ring onto his finger and then Andy was being pulled up into a tight hug. Andy was startled but melted into the sensation. Ashley’s voice whispered in his ear. “I love you.”

Andy was too choked to reply, but he hugged Ashley back fiercely, before catching his breath enough to say.

“I love you too.”

The crowd was whooping and hollering, camera flashes were going off, Andy could hear their bandmates somewhere in the distance. But none of that was important. For now it was just him and Ash.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Ashley finished washing the breakfast dishes and then went into the living room where Andy was watching TV, curled up on the couch with Crow. It had been two weeks since the proposal and they had moved in together into Ash's apartment which was larger.

Ashley hadn’t realised Andy had thought they were going to be living separately until Andy had started crying and hugged him when Ashley had mentioned stopping by and grabbing his cat before they moved to Ashley’s place. Yet another instance of their lack of communication or missed communication. He wasn’t sure how to fix that though, Andy still wasn’t talking about what had happened the last day of their tour and Ashley wasn’t sure how to broach it.

The bruises were healing, but Andy seemed depressed, he barely left the apartment and was content most days to lounge around and watch TV or read. Ashley didn’t blame him, the bruises and cuts had mostly healed, but a new side effect had popped up. Andy had headaches almost every day, some were so bad he wound up vomiting and once Ash had found him crying on the bathroom floor as he tried to open the tylenol bottle.

The doctors weren’t sure if it was related to his concussion from all the times the guys had kicked him in the head --Ashley’s jaw tightened as he thought of that--or a side effect of the antidepressant he was on or even related to the pregnancy.

They had tapered him off antidepressants to find out if that was the cause and so far that hadn’t helped. All it had done was made Ashley feel more worried and watch Andy even closer. He felt helpless to fix anything and it hurt every day that at least half of all that had happened he felt was in some way his fault.

Still he was trying to make the best of everything, which meant getting things in order for the baby and trying to make Andy feel better. He put a smile on his face and settled on the couch next to Andy.

“What do you think if we go out today?”

Andy shrugged and changed the channel, this time to a documentary about lemurs. Ashley tried again. “I was thinking we could get lunch, maybe do some shopping?”

“Okay.” Andy turned to look at him this time, and frowned. “What are we shopping for?” He didn’t wait for an answer and added. “I just want to stay home.”

“Yeah, but you need to get out, some fresh air would be good.” Andy still hadn’t said anything else. Ash added, “I’ve got a surprise for tomorrow and you need some clothes to wear to it.”

“We’re going somewhere tomorrow? You didn’t tell me and--”

“I told you last week, remember?” Ever since the concussion Andy had been having trouble with his memory, but Ashley wasn’t sure if this was related to Andy purposefully _forgetting_ to try to get out of going or actually not remembering.

“Okay, I guess we can go tomorrow. What is it anyway?”

“A surprise which means I’m not going to tell you.” Andy grumbled for a moment under his breath but then sighed.

“If we’re going somewhere tomorrow then I’m not going anywhere today.”

“You need to get some clothes to wear for tomorrow.”

“Why can’t I just wear my regular clothes?”

Ashley tried to figure out how to tactfully broach it. Andy’s regular clothes had long ago ceased to fit. Right now he was wearing one of Ash’s t-shirts and one of his cut off sweatpants. “You know why. You clothes don’t fit, mine don’t even fit you anymore really.”

Andy stared at him, his face blank. Then he whispered his voice quivering a bit. “You’re saying I’m fat?”

 _Oh, shit._ Ashley swallowed and said carefully. “You’re pregnant.”

“And fat and ugly.” Andy said, tears starting to fall.

“Hey, I never said that.” Andy quickly added. “You’re beautiful, everybody that’s pregnant gains some weight and I think you’re gorgeous just like you are.” Andy still looked half way between upset and believing.

“Really?”

“If I was lying would I do this?” Andy jerked back in surprise as Ash kissed him, before he eagerly reciprocated. Ashley grinned and pulled back adding. “Or this.” And kissed Andy’s neck, before sucking it and licking a trail down his collar bone.

Andy giggled and Ashley slipped a hand under his shirt, groping Andy’s breasts. And Andy arched into the touch. Ashley was well aware they had things to get done before the day got too late but Andy had other ideas. Ashley had been hesitant to initiate anything after what had happened and Andy hadn’t seemed interested.

Until now.

Andy was shimmying out of the shorts he was wearing and reached up pulling his shirt off. Ashley still hesitated, watching Andy’s face for any sign of discomfort. Andy grinned naughtily. “Are you waiting for an invitation?”

Ashley grinned, and pulled his own shirt off. He leaned over taking one of Andy’s nipples in his mouth and sucking. Andy moaned and wrapped an arm around his neck pulling him closer. Ashley moved his lips down leaving a trail of kisses, with one hand he eased Andy’s panties down.

His fingers had just slipped between Andy’s legs and his lips were kissing Andy’s stomach when he met a raised line of flesh. He was puzzled what it was at first until he remembered the letters that had been carved into Andy’s stomach. Andy had stiffened and Ash sat up a little to find him ghost white and his eyes saying it all.

Ash wasn’t sure whether it was him touching the scars or Andy reacting to their first attempts to be intimate, but he knew what Andy wanted even if he didn’t say it.

“Too soon?”

Andy immediately shook his head. “I’m fine and --”

Ash swallowed and gently cut him off. “It’s too soon.” He could feel Andy starting to tremble and gently eased his panties back up and instead laid down next to him so Andy was wrapped in his arms. Gently he stroked his fingers through Andy’s hair andy ran his fingers over his skin, letting him know he was there and safe without making him feel confined.

Abruptly Andy had stopped trembling only to start again. Ash turned to see Andy’s face and was surprised to find his lips compressed like he was trying to hold back a giggle.

“What are you laughing for?” Ash stopped his fingers where he was stroking Andy’s chest and Andy stopped giggling and said slightly out of breath. “Nothing.”

Ashley felt his eyebrows raise but didn’t comment on the weird behavior. Instead he went back to what he was doing only to have Andy burst out in giggles. “Stop!”

Ashley froze as he realised the comment was addressed to him. “Stop what?”

“What you were doing.”

“Which was…?”

“If I tell you then you’re not going to stop.”

Ashley was totally clueless as to what Andy was talking about and started to say. “I will, but--” He stopped as an idea occurred to him and then a mischievous grin crossed his face.

Andy saw the look and said half laughing “Oh shit.” He tried to back up but Ashley reached down running his fingers along Andy’s chest where he had been before, this time he was rewarded but full blown giggles. He kept at it for a few seconds, and by the time he stopped Andy as out of breath and looking for revenge.

“I’m pregnant Ashley.”

“So?”

“So tickling isn’t good for the baby.”

“Says who?”

“Says me.”

Ash started to argue only to stop as Andy sat up so he was leaning over him and began tickling him mercilessly. Ashley caught him back in between laughing fits and a few minutes they were both slumped on the couch twined together after calling a truce.

Andy’s head was resting on his shoulder, and he looked a little tired but mostly content. He was smiling and that in and of itself was a rare occurrence lately.

Andy reached up grabbing his hand and placing it on his stomach. “You woke the baby up.”

Ashley smiled as he felt little feet and hands pushing out against Andy’s belly. They both laid there for a moment before Andy leaned up and kissed his cheek. “We’d better get ready to leave, if we plan on shopping and lunch.”

Andy stood up and started to walk towards the bathroom. Ashley frowned, a little bemused. “I thought you said you weren’t going.”

“I’m pregnant Ash, I change my mind every few seconds. Blame the baby.” And with that Andy walked away. Ashley laid back and shook his head for a minute before getting up to get ready.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Shopping for maternity clothes with Andy turned out to be an adventure. It was L.A. so they didn’t get too many stares and Andy was obviously pregnant so it wasn’t a matter of Andy being mistaken for a guy. The problem this time was Andy himself.

He was like Goldilocks if Goldilocks was a shopper. Every shirt, pants, whatever, was either too small or too large, too tight or too loose, or the material drove him nuts. After half a dozen stores and four hours of shopping they finally had found a few sets of clothes that fit. It was getting late and Ashley was (impatiently) waiting for Andy to finish looking through the racks.

Ash looked up from his phone as he realised Andy had wandered out of sight. He quickly stood up, shoving his phone in his pocket and trying to calm the hammering of his heart in his chest.

It was broad daylight and they were in the middle of the store, Andy was safe. And yet Ash couldn’t truly feel everything was okay until he made sure.

He called out, but Andy didn’t respond. Ash rounded another set of clothes rack and nearly bumped into him. “There you are I was worried.”

Andy glanced at him and shrugged. “I’m okay.” He seemed preoccupied and was staring at the clothes in front of him and biting his lip.

“What’s up?”

“Nothing.”

Ash raised an eyebrow at the quick reply. “Come on, that’s not nothing. You’re thinking about something I know that face.”

“Okay…” Andy turned to him, his face flushed with embarrassment for some reason. “I was looking at...don’t laugh….at this dress.”

Ash looked at the piece of clothing Andy was holding up and saw a black and orange striped dress with ¾ sleeves. Andy was biting his lip now. “I’ll look stupid in it right? It’s dumb.” Andy hung the piece of clothing up. “Forget I said anything.”

Ash tried to find out exactly what was up, but Andy wasn’t talking and after a few more minutes of shopping they left the store. They had lunch at an outdoor cafe and by the end of the afternoon Andy was almost back to his usual self except he seemed a little preoccupied.

Ash put it down to pregnancy mood swings, until the next morning.

  


☆═━┈┈━═☆

“Andy come on we’re going to be late.” Ash checked the time on his phone and paced the floor. Today was supposed to be a surprise. Hopefully a pleasant one. He had signed them up for birthing class. It was something called the bradley method, which hadn’t meant much to him, but the woman he had called at the OB’s office had said that since he and Andy hadn’t had much time together with just them it might be better bonding time than Lamaze. Lamaze was only four days compared to the several weeks worth of classes he had paid for. The ones they were soon going to be late for.

“Andy what are you doing?” Ash called again because Andy hadn’t responded the first time. He bit off the hint of worry in his chest and tried to stop himself from mentally reviewing if Andy had brought anything potentially dangerous in the bathroom with him.

“I’m--I’m coming.” His voice sounded weird though and Ash frowned and took a step closer.

“Seriously are you okay?”

“Yeah--” there was a pause then. “Ash, I don’t want to go wherever it is.”

“Come on, you said you would. And you need to get out of the house.”

“I know but...I’ll look stupid.”

Ash frowned, trying to keep how much Andy’s comment was bothering him out of his voice. To him, Andy looked gorgeous, but to everyone else they saw a pregnant guy or a half man half woman--or whatever the fuck else. Ash didn’t particular care about people’s perception but he did care how it made Andy feel.

“No you won’t. You’ll look find. And I think you'll have fun.”  Ash hoped it was true. He had asked around and the class they were going to seemed pretty inclusive. The lady running it had mentioned they had a lot of non traditional couples and assured Ash, he and Andy were welcome. Ash was reserving his judgments until they actually saw Andy, complete with his deep voice, over six feet of height and a very pregnant belly.

“Please don’t laugh.”

Ash’s eyebrows went into his hairline... _when had he been laughing._ Instead of commenting on that he simply said. “Okay, I’m not laughing.”

“Promise?”

“Yeah, I promise.”

“Okay, I’ll come out.” There was a click and the bathroom door opened. And Andy stepped out. Ash stared for a long moment. Then he realised his mouth was hanging open in shock.

Andy was standing there in a black and orange striped dress with ¾ sleeves and black leggings. “Nice.” But Ash had taken too long in replying because of his shock and Andy picked up on the hesitation.

“I’m ugly right?”

“No, you look great.” And it was true. Ash had never seen Andy in a dress, but he looked cute and…something else was different. “You did something different with your hair?”

“Yeah I trimmed it a bit…” Andy stared at the floor and then glanced up. “This was stupid I’ll go change.” Ash reached out gently grabbing his wrist and stopping him.

“Was that what the problem was yesterday? You wanted to buy a dress?”

“Yeah...I bought it when you weren’t looking and wasn’t going to wear it but...” Andy shrugged. “It’s stupid.”

“No, you look amazing.”

Andy looked doubtful. So Ash added. “I’m serious, plus it's like halloween.”

Outrage replaced Andy’s sad expression “Halloween? These are the bengals colours and not related to a holiday centered around kids in costumes and candy.”

Ash smirked at Andy’s quick retort and just because he could, egged him on. “Well, seeing as we’re in California and it’s not yet football season, I think people in L.A. are going to think more Halloween than the Bengals.”

“Well then fuck them!”

Ash, started chuckling at the righteous anger Andy had just displayed. “You’re getting a little worked up over this aren’t you.”

“Blame the baby,” Andy used their typical joke.

Ash couldn’t resist one last playful jibe. “The baby isn’t the one who just swore at an entire city of people, because they’re going to make a reasonable assumption.”

“The baby isn’t the one who keeps being teased.” Andy, tugged at the hem of his dress and said, uncertainly. “But seriously, I look okay? People won’t find this weird or whatever?”

“You are weird and whatever.” Ash leaned closer so he was an inch away from Andy and close enough to smell his body wash. He leaned in, his breath caressing Andy’s cheek as he added. “You’re also cute and hot as fuck, and staring at you is making me want fuck you right now.” The words has slipped out unintentionally and Ash started to freeze, realising what he had said and not wanting Andy to think he was trying to push him into anything. However, Andy didn’t look upset, in fact he looked the exact opposite.

Andy grinned and then kissed Ash nibbling his lip before pulling away regretfully. “And your next line was going to be, but we’re adults and we are going to be parents soon and need to be responsible.” Ash sighed and Andy continued mischievously and said in a naughty voice. “So I’ll fuck you when we get home.”

Ash grinned. “Are you saying that’s what I’m going to do, or what you’re planning on doing.”

“We’ll see how the day plays out.” And with that Andy started towards the apartment door, his hand hesitated on the doorknob as he turned back and said wickedly. “But I think it’s going to be a little bit of both.”

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Andy frowned as he looked at the window at there destination. _Meadowview Birthing Center._ “Ash why are we here?”

“I told you it’s a surprise.”

Andy turned to stare at Ash who was smiling like there was something to be happy about. As far as Andy was concerned the prospect of some medical exam or whatever Ash had planned was not fun.

Ash sensed his apprehension and the smile faded, he sighed and said. “Okay, I signed us up for birthing classes?”

“Birthing classes?!?”

“Yeah, they’re called Bradley Method or something and--”

“I don’t want to go.” Andy didn’t need to hear more.

“Come on, it’ll be fun.”

“For you maybe.”

Ash frowned. “What’s that’s supposed to mean?”

Andy hadn’t meant to sound so mean but the thought of him walking into a room where a bunch of expectant mothers and their partners were had his stomach turning. He knew he didn’t look like most pregnant women and that wouldn’t have bothered him, but the way other people treated him because of it did bother him. “Nothing, I just don’t want to go.”

“Why?”

Andy turned away not saying anything and tugged at the hem of his clothes. He felt Ash’s hand settle on his shoulder and took a deep breath to calm himself before answering. _He was getting really sick of crying at the drop of a hat._ “I don’t think people are going to...want someone like me there.”

“Like you?”

“Yeah like me Ash, like this.”

“So it’s this again.” Ash’s tone had Andy looking up angrily. Ash continued before he could respond. “Andy, you have to stop saying this shit about yourself. Who gives a fuck what anyone thinks! You are who you are and you’re amazing, and kind, and beautiful and I love you and whoever wants to talk shit about you can go fuck themselves. Stop! Caring what other people think.”

Andy didn’t say anything, Ash made sense, and yet it was hard to shake off the habits of past years. Ash didn’t give him the chance to brood, instead Andy felt a hand under chin and his head tilted up so he was looking in Ashley’s eyes.

“Okay?” Ash prompted.

“Yeah, okay.” Andy agreed. Ash nodded and searched his eyes for a moment longer before giving him a quick peck on the cheek. “If anyone bothers you I’ll kick their ass pregnant or not.” Ash gave him a grin and then got out the car. Andy followed to startled to speak.

He snorted with laughter as Ashley’s comment fully registered. “Ash you can’t threaten pregnant women.”

They had arrived at the birthing center door. Ash opened it and Andy stepped in, but not before he heard Ash add. “I can and did.”

☆═━┈┈━═☆

Andy walked in expecting stares and whispered comments. So when the door opened he was braced. There were numerous couples scattered around the room and a woman with greying curly hair sitting crossed leg up front, he assumed she was the teacher.

Everyone was settled on mats on the floor and quietly talking, a few people glanced his way as he and Ash walked in but besides a few polite hellos and smiles no one was bothering him...yet.

Andy settled down on the floor and Ash dropped down next to him. “So, what do we do now.” He asked Ash.

Ashley shrugged. “The class hasn’t started yet, so nothing.” Andy nodded, and to take his mind off the stares he imagined people were directing at him he looked around the class. It was a mixed group. Some were older, some younger and he had Ash weren’t the only couple most people would have considered odd or non-traditional. There were two guys (Andy assumed they were together) with what was probably their surrogate. Two women that were holding hands and both were very obviously pregnant.

Andy had started to relax a bit as he realised he and Ash weren’t the only couple that most people would have found strange.

“I really like your dress.” Andy turned as someone tapped his arm and found the very pregnant woman to his left and her equally pregnant partner were looking at him. Before he could reply she added. “It brings out that pregnancy glow, everyone keeps saying we have.” She gave a small chuckle and smiled.

Andy bristled at the _obvious_ insult. He had known something like this was going to happen and yet Ash had still insisted he come. He tried to keep his voice level as he replied.“You don't have to laugh, I know I--I know--” Andy stopped as he voice faltered and he felt tears of anger come to his eyes. Which only made the situation worse. _He was not going to cry in front of this woman._ Andy looked down taking a second to compose himself then glanced back up and said. “I know this doesn't look good and I know I shouldn’t have worn this but I wanted to and--”

He stopped again. _He didn’t need to explain anything to her, and yet he felt he did._ The woman was staring at him with her brow furrowed like she was confused and a little worried. Her partner looked likewise upset.

Andy turned to Ash. “Can we just go.”

“Andy, they--”

“I want to go.” Andy started to stand up, he knew Ash was going to shrug everything off and try to make out like it was okay what had happened. Ash reached out and grabbed his shoulder keeping him from getting up. Andy turned to him angrily.

Before he could speak Ashley had started. “Andy listen, she wasn’t insulting you okay?”

“What?!? You heard--”

“Yeah I heard what she said and she was being serious.” Andy couldn’t believe what he was hearing and ripped his arm away from Ash and started to walk off. Ash caught him in the lobby of the building. Andy was doing his best not to cry and was biting his lip with the effort of keeping the tears back.

“I want to go home.” His voice sounded small and defeated even to him.

“Will you stop running from everything?” Andy looked up at that and Ashley was frowning at him. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said it like that….just give me a minute to explain okay?”

Andy was too tired to argue, he sat down on a convenient bench and crossed his arms as Ash sat next to him. “Those women weren’t insulting you.”

“Ash they said--”

“I know what they said, but I also know what you heard.You’re so used to people insulting you and picking on you that you’re always expecting it.” Andy frowned, he didn’t say anything as Ash continued. “I look at you and I see a smart gorgeous, amazing person and you look at yourself and see shit--”

“I--I don’t--” Andy couldn’t believe what he was hearing, but before he could fully process it enough to be more hurt Ash had reached out tucking a strand of hair behind Andy’s ear. His voice was soft as he added.

“People aren’t always going to love you, fans, family whoever...but you’ve got to love yourself.” Andy swallowed, and rubbed a hand over his eyes. _He was not crying._ Ash pressed a kiss to his forehead and then leaned his forehead against Andy’s. His breath was warm against his face as Ash said quietly. “And I’ll always love you.”

Andy took a moment to compose himself and then he and Ash went back to class.

The woman who had first commented hastened to apologize. “I’m really sorry it’s--”

“It’s okay.” Andy ventured a half smile which turned into a full one as she smiled back.

Next to him Ash said. “It’s been a tough past few months.”

The woman sighed. “You’re telling me. My name’s Leslie by the way and this is Karen my partner.”  Andy listened as they launched into a story of family drama and disapproving parents and tentatively joined in after a few minutes. Then the class started, by the time it ended they had exchanged numbers with two other couples and Andy was feeling a lot better then when they had arrived.

“So are you glad we came?”

“Yeah it was...fun.”

“Does that mean you want to do it again next week?”

“Sure.”

“Great I already signed us up.” Andy turned to look at Ash.

“Seriously?” Andy couldn’t be angry though. Ash was grinning. It was early evening and for the first time in weeks he was out in the street and didn’t feel scared or upset. Though he did have a headache. He reached up massaging his temples. “You didn’t even bother to ask me? How long is it anyway?”

“Um, until the baby’s born. And it was supposed to be a surprise. You know something we could do together, I didn’t think you’d be mad.”

“I’m not….you’re just really getting into this baby thing.” Andy smiled as a thought occurred to him. “So since you’re taking these classes and you’ve got like ten baby books you’re reading--”

“It’s four...and I’m trying to educate myself.”

“Whatever….you’ll be perfectly ready for diaper duty.”

“Hey!”

“Only fair Ash.” Andy grinned at Ash’s half feigned indignance. “I’m doing the hard part here. Nine months of carrying this bowling ball around and then--”

“The grand finale?” Ash suggested.

“I was thinking more like who knows how many hours of pain and suffering during labor.”

“Grand finale sounds better...more glass half full.”

“You can think glass half full, I’m thinking an epi--ahh--” Andy broke off as the pain in his head spiked.

Ash’s grin immediately fell off his face. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I--” Andy started to say only to stop dead in his tracks and reach up clutching his head as the pain grew worse. He whimpered. Ash’s hand touched his shoulder asking something but it was hard to focus.

“Andy?--Andy? Andy!” Ash’s voice was getting smaller and smaller and the pain was getting worse. The ground was tilting and the colours were bleeding.

Andy heard his voice say. “Ash I feel weird.” And then it went dark.

 


End file.
